I Can't Die Alone

by Regina Bartley

  He clapped his hands together. “I’ve got it. How about while you take a shower,” he grinned. “I’ll go get take out and bring it back here. In the meantime, you can throw your dirty clothes into the wash.”

  “Alright, that sounds good actually.”

  He showed me where the bathroom was, and the fresh towels. Then he left to grab us some food, which he said was a surprise. Thank goodness I wasn’t a picky eater. I’d eat almost anything except oysters. Yuck!

  After my long, much-needed shower; I put on the same nightclothes from before. So, the shower was useless. At least I was comfortable though.

  I picked a comfy spot on the couch and flipped through the channels until Bo got back. His arms were overflowing with bags, and the smell was unbelievable. It was chicken. I’d know that smell anywhere. My mouth was watering.

  “Thank you, this smells delicious. What time will your Dad be home?” I asked.

  “He only works four days a week, so his hours are usually long. He usually gets in around eight thirty or nine.”

  I helped him unpack the massive amounts of food from the bags. There was seriously enough to feed an army, far too much for just the two of us. I didn’t even know where to begin. It looked so good.

  “I didn’t know what you liked, and I figured Dad would love the leftovers.”

  Inhaling deeply, I moaned at the smell. Was there anything that smelled better than fried chicken?

  I couldn’t think of anything.

  Funny how you can recognize certain things by smell, like chicken, or gasoline, or even Bo. He smelled like cologne. Not the kind of cologne that was strong, but like the cologne that was just barely there so that you knew he smelled amazing, but it softly lingered.

  Bo was staring at me funny.

  I was oblivious to my surroundings because I wasn’t used to the company. I’d set myself up for embarrassment way too many times with him. Letting my mind wander to far off places, and thinking out loud. Every time he stared at me I’d get tongue-tied and have to look away. I was a social disaster, clearly a loner. This whole sharing my space with others was going to take to some getting used to.

  “Sorry.”

  “No, continue.” He cleared his throat. “I was enjoying it.”

  Again with the comments… Could my face be any redder?

  “I want to get to know you better. You don’t have to shy away from me. I like that I keep you on your toes, and when you blush like that I think you’re beautiful.”

  Deep breathe in. Who says things like that?

  Maybe I was being naïve, but I’d never been with a guy before. I’d never been told those things by anyone except my mother. The way he said them was unbelievably hot, and I couldn’t hide the way his words made me feel.

  “You’ll get used to me,” he said.

  “Will I?” I smiled. “I know I should be better equipped in this dating process, but to be honest I’m glad I’m not.”

  “Why’s that?” He asked.

  “As crazy as this sounds, I want to be able to remember this feeling.” I squinted my eyes tightly because I felt like I wasn’t making much sense. “It’s always been me and my mom. I was almost seventeen when she got sick, and I devoted all my time to taking care of her. I never got the chance to live the normal teenage life. I never really had friends. I guess you can say that I had to grow up quicker than most. Only, what I didn’t realize at the time was that I hadn’t really grown up at all. Maybe my heart was older, but my experiences weren’t. So when I say I want to remember this feeling it’s because I know I’ll never get it again. It’s a little late in life for first time butterflies, but it’s an amazing feeling. Gosh, I must sound so stupid. I feel stupid.”

  “You’re not stupid. I get it. I meant every word I said about wanting to know you. I’m glad that I’m the only person to give you butterflies, and for what it’s worth, you make me feel the same way.”

  I looked him in the eyes as he said those words to me. I didn’t want to look away. It was hard, but I found the courage to keep eye contact. There was no hidden meaning or false hope. He spoke the truth, and it was everything that I needed to hear and more.

  “You guys start dinner without me?”

  “Dad,” Bo said giving him an awkward glance. “Perfect timing.”

  I smiled and looked away. Interruptions or not, there was no wiping the smile off my face.

  The three of us ate until we couldn’t move. There was so much food, but we managed to eat almost all of it. I had two pieces of chicken, which I never did, but this was no ordinary fried chicken. It was amazing.

  “Since your Mom passed away, what’ve you been doing? Did you work?” Ben asked me as we made ourselves comfortable in front of the T.V. We decided to save the dishes until later.

  “I didn’t have to. After Mom died, I sold our house and my Mom’s car to move to an apartment closer to the city. I had money left from my Dad’s life insurance policy as well, so I didn’t really have to work. I adopted a cat, tried to learn to play the piano, and watched Netflix all the time.” Both men thought that was funny as the room filled with snickers. “I volunteered at the animal shelter occasionally, but I started feeling sick about a month ago. I never got a chance to go to college, and I wouldn’t know what I’d go for anyway.” I shrugged.

  The room was a bit silent except for the television. They were probably pondering over my missed opportunities. I didn’t have time to dwell.

  “As long as we are all here together, I was hoping I could go over a few things with you. About the funeral and stuff. If you’re up to it?”

  They agreed, and I was thankful. Tomorrow wasn’t a guarantee and I needed to be prepared.

  “I’ll go get my notebook,” I said, as I stood up from the couch.

  “I’ll go make popcorn?” Bo questioned and I rolled my eyes. Who has to ask if you want popcorn? Duh.

  He smirked.

  I grabbed my notebook from my backpack and padded down the hall back towards the living room. I stopped next to Bo in the kitchen. “I know that funeral planning isn’t the ideal date,” I whispered to him. “But thank you. Tonight was wonderful, and I won’t forget it.”

  “Me either.”

  “Okay…” I sat cross-legged on the couch, with my notebook and pen in hand. “Are you sure that you don’t mind helping me?”

  My shoulders sagged because I knew this wouldn’t be easy.

  “We’ll do whatever you want,” Ben promised as he patted my knee.

  “Thank you,” I cleared my throat. “Okay… I plan on withdrawing all the money from my account. There will be more than plenty to cover my burial costs and you guys can have the rest.”

  “Wait,” Bo interrupted.

  “Don’t argue with me, Bo Cooper.” I pointed my finger. “It’s my dying wish.” And that shut him up really quick. “I only have one living relative that I know or have met. My grandmother is in a nursing home, and she’s not well. She doesn’t even remember me. I’ve paid for her stay and her medication very far in advance. She is more than taken care of, so the rest of my money will go to you guys. We clear?”

  They both agreed.

  “I want a white casket just like my Mom, and I don’t need any kind of visitation, because I’m not expecting visitors. Just you guys. There is a plot available next to my Mom, and I have all the info for it in my bag. That’s where I’d like to be. Oh, and I want to wear this ring that you gave me Ben, and blue jeans. No dresses! Also, I’ll leave you guys the address to my apartment and the name of my neighbor. They think that they’re just cat-sitting Duncan, because I didn’t tell them I wasn’t coming back. I’ll write them a letter if you don’t mind giving it to them. You’re more than welcome to anything in my apartment. There is a lot of furniture and stuff, or you can just leave it all there and the management will clean it out. It’s whatever you want to do. Don’t feel obligated to do anything; I just want to know that I didn’t leave any loose ends. Oh, and I hate roses. Cr
azy right? But I don’t want any on my casket, if that’s okay?”

  Bo stood up and walked away quickly.

  “Bo,” I called out, but he kept walking right out the front door.

  I exhaled. “I’m sorry Ben, I didn’t mean to upset him. I…”

  “It’s okay. It’s just a lot to process. He needs a little time, that’s all. We’ve never had to deal much with death in our family. My Mom passed away when Bo was just a toddler. He doesn’t even remember her, so I’m sure that it’s just hard for him to hear about it. He’ll be fine, though. I promise. Just give him a little time.”

  I couldn’t guarantee the time part, but I’d let him process it in his own way. It was just too much too fast. It would be for anyone.

  “Okay,” I said. “I think I covered everything. I’ll make sure I write it all down. Thank you for helping me. It’s not something that you’re obligated to do, and I’d understand if you didn’t.”

  “I’m going to be here for you, so you don’t you worry. Okay?”

  I nodded and rested my head on his shoulder. For a moment, I thought I should go talk to Bo, but I decided against it. Death wasn’t an easy subject. Like his father said, he’d come around in time. Space and fresh air were probably the best things for him.

  I just hoped he didn’t need too much time.

  Chapter Twelve

  To do list

  Bo left a set of keys on the dresser in my room and a note that said –Go Shopping.

  It was sweet, and thoughtful, and I was dreading every single minute of it. He could be so kind, and I was happy to know that he wasn’t upset with me. I’d become such a realist and I easily forget that there are still such optimistic people in the world, ones who haven’t been touched by such darkness and dread. Bo was a prime example of good.

  I pulled out my phone and used Google to find the nearest place to buy clothes. It wasn’t far. I grabbed my purse and snatched the keys from the dresser and headed out. Shopping was never something that interested me, even when I wasn’t sick. I dreaded the overcrowded stores, the needle-in-a-haystack searching, and the rude cashier that wished she were anywhere but at work. Uh… Not to mention the trying on. Just the thought of it made my head hurt.

  Two Hours Later…

  I was back at Bo’s house and back in the bed. The stores weren’t too bad and I managed to find myself some boyfriend style jogging pants in three different colors. Loose was better. I found some tee shirts, a new bra, and several pairs of new underwear. I also bought a dress and some sandals. I wanted to be prepared if I got asked out to dinner again. After checking out at the final store I was exhausted. I couldn’t even tell you what all I purchased at that last place. The pile was large because I was ready to leave. I just threw random stuff inside my cart and checked out.

  Back at the house, I spent some time reading one of the books I found on a shelf in the living room. Either I was far too tired to read, or the book was boring on an epic level, because when Bo woke me up the book was resting on my chest.

  “Did shopping wear you out?” He asked. The bed moved as he sat down next to me. He was dressed nicely, same as he was every day.

  “It sucked.”

  Glancing over at him, I watched as ran both hands over his face roughly.

  “Are you okay?” I asked him.

  “Yeah, just worn out. It was a long day. One of the new guys quit, and we have this huge sale going on this week. I spent most of my time outside.”

  Bo was a salesman. He sold cars. We’d talked about it over dinner last night. About how he hated his job and his boss, and how he couldn’t wait to go back to school. He really wanted to be an architect, but he’d said that this sales job sort of fell in his lap and he needed the money at the time. He talked so passionately about architecture that it was easy to see it was his dream.

  I knew when he received the money that I was going to leave him that he’d be able to go back to school, and he could quit his crappy job. It was an amazing feeling knowing that I’d be able to help him. All of that money would be used on great things, and he’d be able to follow his dreams.

  Reaching across the bed, I placed my hand over his. Something in his touch seemed to ease the tension inside of me, and I only hoped that my touch would do the same for him.

  He gripped my fingers in his palm as we sat there in the silence of the bedroom. I tried hard not to think about all the things that were weighing heavy on my heart. Letting my body relax wasn’t easy for me, but being there with him and touching him was just what I needed. Under the glow of the lampshade I could see his body relax. It was working. The silence and our hands together was what he needed too.

  “Can he ask you a question?” He said to me.

  “Yes.”

  He paused before asking, “When you found out that you were dying,” he said hesitantly. “Did you make a list of things you wanted to do and see before it happens?”

  I shook my head no. “Not really a list,” I replied. “In my mind I knew that there were things I wanted to do before it happened, and I guess I’ve been crossing them off as I go, but I haven’t made an actual list. There would be so many things that I couldn’t do that it would probably disappoint me.”

  “I think you should do it. I think that you should write down a bunch of things, and let me help you cross them off your list.”

  “Oh really,” I countered.

  “Really,” he smiled. “And we’ll only put things on the list that are physically possible.”

  “I don’t know,” I groaned. The idea of it sounded good, but I wasn’t sure I’d be up for it. It seemed unrealistic, and impossible.

  “Come on. You don’t want to spend your time watching television and eating takeout do you? There are a ton of possibilities,” Bo pleaded.

  “You know, I’m the queen of Netflix, so television watching doesn’t sound too bad.”

  He nudged my arm jokingly. “I’m serious. We’ll take it easy, and there just might be a few things we could do that we won’t even have to leave the house for.”

  There’s that witty sense of humor.

  “Fine,” I groaned. “Get some paper.”

  He ran out to grab a tablet and pen and rushed back to the bed, nearly bouncing me off as he jumped onto it.

  “Okay,” he said. “Let’s put ten things on the list and if we make it through this list then we’ll add more. Sound good?”

  “You’re the boss I suppose.”

  “Right you are.” His smile made my knees weak. “You start naming some things you’d like to do and I’ll write them down.”

  Hmmm. What did I want to do? “Um, you already gave me my first date so we don’t have to list that.” I smiled. Sitting there thinking about all the things I wanted to do wasn’t easy. The things that I knew that I could never do were what came to mind. “I want to watch the complete Hunger Games series of movies in order from start to finish.”

  “Again with the television.”

  “You asked.” I shrugged.

  “Okay a movie marathon. What else?”

  “I want to get a tattoo.”

  “Good answer,” he replied.

  “I want to ride a motorcycle,” I admitted and his face lit up.

  “I have a motorcycle, so that one is definitely getting crossed off this list.”

  “I’d love to learn how to bake cookies from scratch. My mom was really good at it, but she never got to teach me. And I’d like to sleep under the stars. Like outside.”

  He smiled and continued to write.

  “I want to be kissed.” I hesitated, as he lifted his head up to look at me, and I continued quickly. “I want to make something with my hands.”

  “Like what?”

  “Maybe a bird house. I like birds.”

  “Okay, you need three more things.”

  “Oh, I know… A picnic. I’d like to go on a picnic. I think I’d also like to go to a bar. Even though I’m not twenty-one. I still want to see what all
the fuss is about, and maybe I’ll get to experience my first drink of alcohol too.”

  “That’s ten, and everything on this list we can do. It’ll be perfect.”

  I was actually excited and it felt good. Bo had such effect on me. He was a living, breathing reminder of the good that I never wanted to forget. His life wasn’t measured in time like mine. He was free to live and breathe as he chose, and he’d chosen to make my last moments a whole lot better. I’d never be able to thank him for it. Even if we never crossed a single one of those things of the list it was still wonderful to think that we could, and it felt even better to know that I might get to cross them off with him.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Checking it twice

  “Wake up sleeping beauty. We have a lot to do today?”

  “What time is it?” I asked an all too cheerful Bo. I’d never been a morning person.

  “It’s ten,” he replied.

  Crap. It was practically afternoon.

  “Why are you home?” I asked him as I rubbed the sleep from my eyes.

  “I called in sick.”

  “Which you’re clearly not, or else you are one happy damn sick person.”

  He chuckled which made me groan louder. “You’re funny when you’re grumpy.”

  “Ha ha, what are we doing?”

  The bed creaked as he sat down on the edge of it. “We are going to cross some things off of that list of yours. So go get ready.”

  My eyes were closed but I still smiled. That list was now my happy place. I loved that he was determined to make sure that my last days were amazing.

  “Get out so I can change.”

  “Feisty,” he wagged his brows. “Meet me in the garage when you’re done.”

  ***

  It took me longer than normal to take a shower and get dressed. My daily routine wasn’t as easy as it used to be. On top of the cramping pain, I had to deal with morning sickness. It was dreadful. I had to keep running back and forth to the toilet in an attempt to vomit. Not a good feeling. I’d much rather just get sick, than constantly feel like I was going to.