Z14 (Zombie Rules)

by Achord, David

  There were wisps of smoke curling out of the chimney of Bernie’s house as we approached. I pointed.

  “That’s a good sign.” I said. Bernie met us at the door as we got out of the truck. He did not look very well. The overalls were hanging loosely on his scrawny frame and they had the appearance of not being cleaned since last summer. He grinned at us with toothless gums as we walked up.

  “My gums are hurting too bad to wear my dentures.” He explained. I nodded. He was displaying symptoms of nutrition deficiency.

  “Have you been sick Bernie?” Macie asked.

  “I have been feeling unfavorable of late.” He said before he was wracked with a coughing fit. The three of us looked at each other.

  Macie put on a cheerful smile. “Bernie, you and Zach sit down and get caught up. Julie and I will cook up a hot lunch.”

  “That would be most appreciated Miss Macie.” Bernie said. He walked into his den, shoved some bric-a-brac out of the way, and sat heavily on his couch. It seemed to take the wind out of him. His breathing was coming in phlegm filled, erratic pants. The winter had taken a toll on him.

  I looked at him quizzically. “How old are you Bernie?” I asked.

  “I’ll be eighty-seven on my next birthday.” He paused a minute, as if searching for an elusive memory. “What month is this?” He asked.

  “It’s January.” I said. He looked at me as if surprised, and then nodded. I wondered if he even knew what year it was.

  We said our goodbyes and left after lunch.

  “Bernie wasn’t looking so good.” I said.

  “You didn’t see the kitchen.” Julie said. “It was disgusting. His cleaning habits are even worse than before.” We talked about him as we made our way to the Allen’s residence. Every so often, I’d have to stop due to a tree lying in the roadway. We’d get the chainsaws out, cut enough of the tree to move it out of the roadway, drive a few miles, and repeat the process. It was slow going, and took over an hour to make it to the tire shop. Lil’ H and Derry ran outside to greet us as we drove up.

  “Holy shit you two are growing quick!” I said. We all took turns hugging. Howard and Lashonda met us at the door and we all hugged again.

  “I brought some steaks.” I said cheerfully and brought the cooler in.

  “Oh, those look good Zach.” Howard said when I opened the cooler. “We’re getting low on meat. Lil’ H killed a deer last week and we’ve done a lot of fishing. If it wasn’t for that, we’d have turned vegetarian by now.” I laughed.

  “You sure are in a good mood. What’s got into you?” The two girls burst out in laughter. Derry interrupted when he came running inside.

  “Daddy, we got zombies again!” He shouted. Howard and I looked at each other.

  “We get about one or two a day.” Howard said. “They don’t move so well. We had a few of them wandering around when the ice storm hit. They were frozen solid.” Howard pointed. “They were standing like statues out in the middle of Old Hickory. It was kind of funny looking. Then, one day they were up and gone. I guess they came back to life when they thawed out.”

  “Let’s go take a look.” I said. We went outside and Derry pointed them out. There were three of them slowly moving down Nolensville Pike. I got my twenty-two revolver and approached them. Howard and Lil’ H followed with rifles in hand.

  “Let me do the shooting with this gun. It’s a lot quieter.” They nodded in agreement. They were three men of indeterminate age. When I got to within thirty feet of them, I could hear their breathing. It sounded like a phlegmatic embrace of two pieces of sandpaper. They were nothing more than rotting skin hanging loosely over their skeleton. Their eyes were a cloudy blackish color. They turned toward me as I approached. I swear they could see me with those weird eyes. I tried circling them. As I sidestepped, they would turn toward me and struggle to close the distance. Howard, who was standing several feet away, coughed. They immediately turned toward him. So, they could still hear too.

  Okay, enough playing, I thought. I took aim and shot each one in the head. When I was sure they were dead, I walked up close to them. The group, except Lashonda, followed suit.

  “Did you see how they acted? They can still see and hear.” Julie said.

  “The eyes definitely look different from what I’ve seen before.” I said.

  While we were standing in the street looking them over, I saw Macie cock her head.

  “I hear something.” She said.

  “I do too.” Derry added.

  The noise was faint at first, but then it became obvious it was a motor vehicle of some sort. And then it came into view. A vehicle was approaching.

  After a second, I recognized it. “I believe that’s Andie’s jeep.” I said. She wasn’t alone. “The Captain is with her.”

  “What should we do?” Lashonda asked.

  “If you want to take the boys inside, I’d understand.” I replied. “I’m going to say hello.” Lashonda agreed and hurried her two sons inside as the jeep approached.

  There were four of them. Andie was driving, and there was no mistaking the Captain’s burly frame in the passenger seat. There were also two men sitting in the back. I waved as they approached. The Captain exited the jeep last and stood there with an air of owning the entire intersection. Andie stood quietly while taking turns looking at Julie and Macie.

  “Hello Captain, Andie. This is a pleasant surprise.” I said. It was a lie. I never wanted any of these people to see the girls. I walked toward him and shook his hand. As expected, he squeezed my hand hard enough to let me know he could break it if he wanted.

  “Zach, it is so good to see you.” He said warmly with a broad smile. I couldn’t tell if the emotion was genuine or superficial.

  I turned my attention to the other two men and looked them over. They were scrawny runts in their early twenties, unshaven, rough looking. They looked like blue collar workers who had gone straight to the bar after a long work week, tied one on, and then fell asleep in the gutter. I held my hand out.

  “I’m Zach Gunderson.” The two of them ignored my outstretched hand, brushed by me, and headed straight toward the girls.

  “Well, well, well!” The taller of the two of them said. “You two sure are some fine looking fillies. My name is Barry and this is my cousin Eli.” He held his hand out to Julie. Julie wrinkled her nose.

  “You smell like shit. Get away from me.” She said. His smile was instantly replaced with confusion, which then quickly turned to an ugly scowl.

  “You better learn some fucking respect.” He snarled.

  Julie’s hand lingered by her sidearm. “I have no respect for you. Now get away from me and take your little inbred cousin with you.” Now the two of them were scowling at Julie. Eli, sensing he was the better charmer, tried his tact with Macie.

  “Hi! What’s your name?” He asked her.

  Macie rolled her eyes. “Not interested.”

  Barry, with his freshly bruised ego, was not finished. “I’m going to teach you some manners bitch.” He growled as he stepped toward Julie. His hand was raised as if he was going to backhand her. My hand went for my sidearm. Julie was just as quick. She had hers out in a flash. Fred would have been proud. Barry froze when she pointed the barrel at his groin.

  “You wouldn’t dare shoot me. Don’t you know who we are?” He said menacingly. His hand was slowly moving toward his own sidearm.

  The Captain and I were standing together, approximately ten feet away. I glanced at him and then at Andie. He had a small amused smile. Andie was staring intensely at Julie. I think she was secretly hoping they’d kill each other.

  “If Julie doesn’t shoot him Captain, I will. I’m asking you to tell your men to stand down.” I said. He glanced at me and frowned. He then smiled amicably and let loose with a loud whistle.

  “Mind yourself Barry.” He said loudly. “Zach here is liable to tan your hide if you keep messing with his women.” They stopped immediately at the Captain’s command. He walked
over to Julie and Macie while I cast a baleful stare at Barry. He returned my glare and spit on the ground.

  “Please accept my apologies.” The Captain said to Julie. “The boys have been cooped up since that bad ice storm. This is the first time we’ve gotten out of the compound. We’ve all been going stir crazy. Right, Barry?”

  He spat again before answering. “Yeah, don’t mind me.” He said as he stared at Julie.

  “Everybody calls me the Captain. I believe we’ve never met.” The Captain said as he smiled amicably and held an outstretched hand to Julie. Julie shook his hand reluctantly.

  “I’m Julie, this is Macie. Let’s clear the air right away. Zach may like you, but I don’t.” She glanced at Barry. “Especially now that I see the company you keep.” Before the Captain could respond, Julie jerked her hand back and walked over toward Andie. I watched curiously. Well okay, I watched nervously.

  “You must be Andie.” Julie held out her hand. Andie shook it tentatively. “Macie and I were talking about going shopping over at the Walmart. Do you want to come with us?” She looked over at the Captain, and then me. “Girls only.” She said pointedly. Andie glanced over at me again. I nodded slightly.

  “Okay.” She said.

  “We’re taking the truck.” Julie said and the three of them drove off a moment later without waiting for an answer.

  “She’s certainly – feisty.” The Captain said.

  “Yep.” I said, and immediately realized it was the same word I had used when describing her to Andie. I wondered if Andie was telling the Captain about our meetings. “Captain, let’s take a look at these zombies. I’m seeing something different.” We walked over and I pointed out the eyes. “Have any of you guys seen zombies with eyes like these?” I reached down, and with my knife gently opened the eyelids of one of them. The Captain crouched down beside me.

  “I’ve not seen this.” He looked up at his companions. “Boys, how about it?” They each shook their head. “Is it some type of decomposition, Zach?”

  “If it is, it’s like nothing I’ve seen before. Oh, this reminds me. When the girls get back, I have a journal I found on the night we made the fuel run. You might find it interesting. The man who wrote it actually opened up a zombie’s skull and inspected the brain. He described it as an onyx black color.”

  “Oh, yeah? It certainly sounds like an interesting read.” The Captain said. He looked at the eyes a moment longer before standing. “Andie has tried to raise you on the radio frequently.”

  I searched his face for any hidden, double entendre. He looked at me plainly, awaiting an answer. “The ice storm destroyed our radio antenna. I’ve not yet replaced it. I checked a nearby Radio Shack, but no luck. I was hoping to spot one on a business or home and salvage it. Otherwise, I’ll have to make a trip further into Nashville.”

  “I see.” He said. Howard brought out some folding chairs when we walked back.

  “I thought we’d sit outside and enjoy this sunny weather.” He said, and then looked at the Captain. “Unless, or course, you want to go inside.”

  The Captain waved him off. “Outside is fine. We can soak up some of the rays, replenish our vitamin D.” He sat and smiled pleasantly.

  “You have seemingly become acquaintances with Howard and his family.” He said.

  “Yes sir, we have become very close friends.” I said.

  “Have you met any other friends?” He asked after a moment.

  “We’ve encountered a few people, how about you?” I asked.

  He nodded. “One or two, nobody of note.” He looked around. “It is a rather pleasant day out, Howard. Do you think the weather is turning?”

  “I’d say it’s a false spring.” Howard said. “We have a few more weeks of cold weather coming, I’m thinking.” The Captain looked at him and nodded thoughtfully.

  “What crops do you plan on growing this spring, Captain?” I asked.

  “We’re going to grow seed corn for the cattle and sweet corn for the dinner table. We’re going to be making several individual plots for various vegetables. We’ve got to replenish our stores and then of course we need to build up an ample supply for trading purposes.” He looked at me as if he needed affirmation.

  “Excellent planning, Captain.” I said. He grinned broadly, his walrus moustache twitching in delight.

  *****

  “Zach and Howard cleared the store of zombies, but we’ll still need to be careful.” Julie said.

  “Can you two shoot?” Andie asked.

  “Oh, yeah. Zach taught us both.” Julie responded.

  “The Captain taught me.” Andie said. “He’s a crack shot.”

  Julie nodded, and stored that factoid for later when she’d tell Zach. She drove up to the front entrance and stopped. She tapped the horn, waited a few seconds, and tapped it again.

  “Why’d you do that?” Andie asked.

  Macie laughed. “Rule number two.” Andie looked confused. “They’re attracted to noise. If there are any in there, they’ll come toward the noise.” Macie held a hand up. “Well, if the nasty shits can still walk.” The three of them laughed. “Is there anything you want to shop for Andie?”

  Andie squirmed. “I need some things. You know.”

  Julie and Macie looked at each other with understanding. “Us too. Let’s grab a shopping cart and head to the women’s section.”

  They loaded up on what was left of the feminine hygiene products. “We’ll split this all up. I’ve no idea what we’re going to do when we run out though.”

  “A sponge works, but it’s not very comfortable.” Andie lamented. Julie and Macie looked at each other.

  “How long have you been doing that?” Macie asked.

  “Long enough.” She muttered.

  “Well, enough of that shit.” Macie said. “We’ll get you stocked up.” She smiled reassuringly at Andie, and then glanced at Julie, who was pointing her flashlight up and down the shelves. She suddenly reached out and grabbed a small box. “Did you find it?” She asked. Julie nodded and held it up for Macie to see.

  “Do you want to do it here?” She asked. Julie nodded.

  “But, I don’t want to go back in a dark restroom, and I’d rather not pee on the floor.” She said.

  Macie giggled. “I bet there’s a bucket somewhere around here. You can squat over it.” They found one in the housewares section. Julie opened the package, dropped her pants, and hovered over the plastic pail while she urinated on the plastic device. Macie held a flashlight and peered closely.

  “What are you doing?” Andie asked. Julie held it up to the light and smiled.

  “We just confirmed it. Julie’s pregnant.” Macie said with a grin.

  “I had a false alarm a short while ago.” Julie explained. “My period was late and I thought I was pregnant. I wanted to be sure this time before I tell Zach.”

  “I may as well check too.” Macie said. Julie laughed and took the flashlight while Macie pulled her pants down and squatted over the bucket.

  Andie’s eyes widened. “Wait, you’re sleeping with Zach too?” She asked.

  “We’re all one very happy family.” Julie said. “Zach has told us all about you Andie. We think you’re a good person in a bad situation. We’d ask you to come live with us, but we don’t think the Captain would be willing to let you leave, would he?” Andie dropped her head and shook it slowly.

  “Well, it looks like only one of us is going to be a mommy anytime soon.” Macie said as she looked at the results. She looked at Andie. “Do you need to do one?”

  Andie shook her head again. “The Captain has had a vasectomy. So, I guess Zach told you about that too?”

  “It’s okay. We don’t like your uncle.” Macie said. “But we want to be your friends. Us girls have to stick together, right?"

  Andie smiled tentatively. “This is turning out to be a nice birthday.” She looked at them. “I turn sixteen today.”

  *****

  “So, tell me Zach, what ha
rdships have you encountered this winter?” The Captain asked. The five of us, Howard and me, the Captain, and his two minions were sitting in chairs outside of the tire store. We had been talking for a little over an hour now.

  “The usual stuff. The ice and snow kept us hemmed up for far too long. We lost some cattle, not to mention our means of outside communication.” I said.

  “What’d you do to pass the time, play hide the salami with those two whores?” Barry asked. I glared at him. He responded with a mocking grin.

  “At ease, Barry.” The Captain said and returned his attention to me. “It was the same with us.” He paused in thought a moment. “Have you given any further thought to a trading post?” I nodded. I glanced again at Barry. He still had a stupid grin on his face. I wanted to slap it off.

  “A spot in downtown Nashville would be the ideal location, but we both know it’s not feasible at this time. So, we have to think of a good secondary location. I’ve pondered over it and I’d say one of the truck stops on I-24 would be best. There is one at the county line. It is centrally located to where all of us live. I like the idea of a trading post being near the farms.”

  “Where do you live kid?” Barry asked.

  “None of your business.” I replied curtly. His stupid grin turned into a stupid scowl.

  “George will find you.” He said menacingly. “When he does, maybe we’ll come pay a visit.”

  I shook my head. “I’m afraid not. I’ve posted no trespassing signs. It’s strictly enforced.” Eli seemed to find it funny and guffawed. They were silenced by the Captain snapping his fingers.

  “Barry, if I want any more of your commentary, I’ll beat it out of you.” He said calmly. He then continued speaking as if they were not there. “So, you have a plan thought out.”

  “Yes. First, make a total sweep of the area. Clear it of all zombies and hostiles. Phase two will consist of preparing the facilities. You’ll need to harden the building and build good defensive positions against both zombies and highway men. The place has a big parking lot. It’ll hold a lot of people and vehicles. There is a creek nearby where you can distill water. Of course, the sanitation issues will need to be addressed. I’d start with something simple, like outhouses.” I was interrupted by Lashonda bringing a tray of coffee. I was the only one who thanked her.