Z14 (Zombie Rules)

by Achord, David

“Thanks.” She said quietly. “Is it always going to be this way?” She asked.

  “I’m not sure yet, but your commentary earlier sure didn’t win any points with me.” I said and glared at her momentarily. We rode in silence then for a couple of miles until we neared Old Hickory Boulevard.

  “Okay, we’re going to get the Allen family moved as quickly as possible. You can help, or sit in the truck.”

  “I’ll help.” She said.

  “Good, I was hoping you’d say that. Now, here’s something we need to address. If the Captain shows up, what are you going to do?” I asked.

  Andie looked confused. “What do you mean?”

  “I’m guessing he’ll be pissed and demand you go back with him.”

  Andie shook her head violently. “I can’t go back, Zach. I can’t take it anymore.” I looked at her quietly. She was trying very hard not to cry, but it wasn’t working. I reached into the glove box and gave her revolver back to her. She looked at it, and then looked at me.

  “We’ll encounter him one day. It is a matter of when and not if. The question is, am I the person who is supposed to be your knight in shining armor and kill him for you?” I shook my head. “In the immortal words of Max Hoover, you carry your own water.” She stared at me for a long moment before responding.

  “I have no idea who Max Hoover is.” Andie said. “But I think I get the idea.”

  Howard and Lil’ H met us as we drove up. “They’ve been trying to call you on the radio, Zach.”

  “Who, the Captain?” I asked.

  “Yep. I got a bad feeling. We need to get out of here as soon as possible.” He said. He looked around anxiously. I can’t say I blamed him.

  Andie and I got out of the truck and looked around. “What’s left to load?”

  He shook his head. “Nothing we can’t come back and get later.”

  “Alright.” I said and gave Howard a hand drawn map with directions to the Parson house. “Let’s get going then. You go straight there. I’m taking a roundabout route and will meet you guys there.” Andie took her cue, got back in the truck, and lay down. We arrived at the former home of the Parson’s approximately twenty minutes later. I told Andie we had arrived, and we met the Allens in the front yard of their new home. I scanned the surroundings. The surrounding landscape appeared much the same way it did the last time I was here. Hopefully, that equated to no unwelcome visitors.

  “This is a nice house.” Lashonda said.

  “Yeah, I like it. It’s fully furnished as well. Let’s err on the side of caution and make sure there are no unwelcome visitors since the last time I was here, and then we’ll get you guys moved in.” Fortunately, there were no surprises awaiting us. With all of us working together, it only took a couple of hours to get all of their belongings unloaded and moved into the new house. Howard got a fire started and we sat in the den recuperating.

  “What now, Zach?” Howard asked.

  “There is a recycle bin in the garage filled with aluminum cans. Have the boys use them and string up a perimeter around the house. Make it about waist high. It’ll serve as a makeshift alarm system. We’ll work on hardening up the house later. We also need to get a greenhouse built, among other things. In short, there’s a lot of work to be done Howard, but I’m very happy to have y’all as neighbors.” I pointed toward a nearby hill. “Our house is on the other side of that hill. If you ever have to bug out, just head that way and announce yourself loudly when you get to the front door.” Howard nodded in understanding. As I pointed, I saw a rider on a horse crest the hill through a grove of trees, and make their way toward us. It was Julie. When she saw us, she broke into a gallop. Lashonda clucked her tongue.

  “I’m going to get all over that girl.” She clucked her tongue again in the way only a caring mother could. When Julie rode up Lashonda started in.

  “Young lady, you know better than to be riding a horse like that when you’re pregnant. What has gotten into you?” She scolded.

  Julie looked down a moment. “I just wanted to go for a ride.” She then looked over at me. “You won’t believe what I just saw.” She had our attention. She pointed back toward the state highway.

  “There is a dude parked in a bus out on the road near Fred’s house. He’s sitting on top of it, playing a guitar.”

  “The Captain’s bus?” I asked. Julie shook her head.

  “No. It’s one of those fancy tour buses that country music stars use.” Julie dismounted from Prancer. I took Prancer’s reins and stripped her of the riding tack before giving her a slap on the rump. She took off at a scamper. She’d make her way back to the barn on her own. Julie, Howard and I jumped in the truck. A minute later we came upon the bus. Sure enough, there was a man wearing an old straw cowboy hat sitting in a lounge chair on top of the bus. He was wearing raggedy jeans, scuffed pointed-toed boots, and was strumming on a very nice looking acoustic guitar.

  He paused briefly to wave, pointed to the other side of the bus, and then went back to singing a country music song about a man, a woman, and his favorite coon dog. The lyrics seemed to indicate the man had to choose, and perhaps the dog won out.

  “Guys, wait here and cover me.” I got out and walked around to the other side of the bus. A woman, wearing jeans, flannel shirt, and a torn goose down vest, was staring up at the man. She seemed enrapt by his singing. Her back was to me, but there was something which didn’t seem quite right. She wasn’t clawing up in the air at him, she was merely standing there. She wasn’t aware of my presence, so I went back to the truck and got the machete.

  When I approached her, the man stopped singing. “There’s something wrong with her, Hoss.” He said to me. “I’d be careful.”

  I glanced up at him a moment and then snapped my fingers. She turned and faced me. She was indeed infected, but she looked distinctly different from most of the others I had been up close with. Her eyes were almost black. Her skin coloration was slightly jaundiced and there was distinct marbling, but that was the extent of any decomposition.

  She hissed at me a second before I buried the machete in the side of her neck. Her spine was the only thing that kept me from completely decapitating her. I took another swing and finished the job.

  “Oh hell Hoss, I was close to serenading the panties right off of her.” He smiled broadly and used the ladder mounted on the rear to climb down. He walked over and offered an outstretched hand.

  “The name’s Rowdy, named after Rowdy Yates from the old TV show Rawhide, although I am much more handsome than Clint Eastwood.” I smiled and introduced myself. Rowdy was a tall, lanky man, the same height as me. He looked like he was in his mid-thirties, had long hair the color of burned brick, and a matching beard.

  “You’re admiring the beard, aren’t you?” He grinned. “I started growing it five years ago and vowed to not shave until I had a hit song. When I finally made it, my agent told me not to dare shave it and then this damned plague hit. I think God didn’t want me to be a star.” He leaned forward. “He’s jealous of my good looks too, no doubt.”

  I nodded. “No doubt. Come on, I’ll introduce you to my friends.” When we came in view of the truck I casually gave a hand signal. When Rowdy saw Julie, he whistled long and slow. He then took his hat off and held it to his chest.

  “Howdy ma’am, I’m Rowdy Thomas, also known as Rowdy Yates, of the once world famous country rockabilly band, Rowdy’s Rednecks. Whichever one of these gentlemen you are betrothed to, I’m ready to fight ‘em to the death in order to win your affections.” He then winked, took her hand and kissed it sloppily.

  Julie laughed. “You are so full of shit.”

  Rowdy gave a big smile. “Perhaps, perhaps. It’s one of my endearing qualities.” I introduced Howard and Julie. Howard grinned and shook Rowdy’s hand.

  “Don’t worry Hoss, I won’t kiss you.” He said. Howard chuckled.

  “What are you doing way out here in a tour bus, Rowdy?” Howard asked.

  “Well now, the answer
to your question requires me to regale the three of you with a story of my life for the last year. I suggest we do it over a bottle of some good Stoli vodka? I happen to have one in the bus. What do you say beautiful?”

  Julie smiled sweetly. “Sorry, can’t drink. I’m pregnant.” Rowdy’s jaw dropped momentarily, but he quickly recovered.

  “Well then beautiful, I’ll gladly drink enough for the both of us. I shall return shortly.” He went into the bus and emerged a moment later with a bottle.

  “I got enough booze to last for years.” He took a swig and handed it to Howard. Howard looked around as if Lashonda was spying on him and took a swallow. He grimaced and swallowed. Rowdy chortled and slapped him on the back.

  “Good shit, huh?” He tried to hand the bottle to me. I declined. He shrugged and took another swallow.

  “My tale begins a little over fifteen years ago. I was a nineteen-year-old wannabe stud still living in a trailer out in the middle of bum-fuck Alabama with my baby half-brother, my alcoholic daddy, and his third wife, who was also of the dipsomaniac persuasion.” He thought about what he said, and looked at the bottle with a bit of concern. However, it didn’t stop him from taking another drink, although to be honest, it was more of a light sip this time.

  “So, I’d been playing the guitar since I was around ten or so, and did a lot of singing in the shower. I graduated to karaoke and eventually found myself in a band. We travelled around the south playing in every roadhouse and dive bar out there. In the middle of it all, I sowed many a wild oat and pitched our songs to anyone who would listen. Somehow, a major label in Nashville liked our music and signed us on. We were scheduled to be the opening act at that fancy arena downtown, when that danged plague took over.”

  “How did you survive?” Julie asked.

  “We had our bus parked in the underground garage at the hotel.” He gestured at us with the bottle. “Now here’s the funny shit. This hotel was supposed to have a five-star restaurant. Well, guess what? Most of their food was canned or frozen. Those hypocrites tried to claim all of their food was fresh, which was total bullshit, but it turned out to be a boon for us. All of that canned food didn’t rot on us, we had plenty to eat.” His expression turned somber.

  “How many in your group were there?” I asked.

  “There were nine of us at first. We were in the bus having a little party when one of my buds comes running in and said there was a massive riot going on in the streets. We locked ourselves in the bus. It got crazy real quick like. People were running around like their asses were on fire and they were all trying to drive their cars out of the garage at the same time. All they did was crash into each other and block the entrances, which also turned out okay, sort of. We were trapped in, but it plugged up the holes enough where most of them infected things kept on walking instead of coming inside the garage.” He looked at the bottle before looking up.

  “The bus windows were tinted. Nobody could see in. We watched as people attacked other people and tore into them. It was awful man, just awful.” He drank heavily this time.

  “On the second day, four of our group decided for some stupid reason to make a break for it. Those idiots didn’t even know where they were going. Well, they made it out of the garage and out of our sight.” He shook his head. “We heard these ungodly screams a minute later. That was enough for the rest of us. We kept ourselves locked in the bus until the food ran out. Then we went exploring and found the service entrance to the kitchen. Like I said, everything they served was frozen or came out of a can. We were lucky.” He gave a short laugh. “Yeah, real lucky.” He drank some more, remembered his manners and offered the bottle to Howard. Howard wiped it off and took a small sip.

  “Here’s the crazy shit. First, the electricity and the water in that hotel stayed on for about three months. But, oh yeah, here’s the crazy thing. We were all fine until the second time we ventured out of the bus. We snuck out at night and took turns taking a shower in the manager’s office. Then we stocked up on food, water, and booze before hightailing it back to the bus. We had a good time that night. Hell, this little groupie who was hanging out with us got drunk and did a little strip tease. She ended up in the sack with Ed, my bass player.” He smiled at the memory.

  “Yeah, it was a good night. The next day she was sick as a dog. At first, we thought she was hung over, but it was worse. She attacked Ed. Ed bashed her brains in, but she had scratched and bit him several times. We knew she was infected and Ed had probably become infected too, so we kicked him off of the bus and tossed out the girl’s body right behind him.” Rowdy shook his head sadly.

  “He stood outside the bus door begging for us to let him back in. It took about two hours, and then he started changing. He was…” He left the sentence unfinished.

  “Well, let’s just say that one of us put him out of his misery. After that, our congeniality with each other went to hell in a handbag. I must admit, I was probably the worst one. One day, we were sitting around boozing it up and got into an argument over something stupid. I got my gun out and waved it around. Hell, I even shot it a couple of times.” He pointed at the bus. “I got a couple of holes in the roof.” He snorted and reached for the bottle.

  “So everyone left me. They set themselves up in a few rooms in the hotel. I tried to apologize the next day, but they banished me I guess you’d say.” He scratched his head and followed up with his beard.

  “That was about six months ago. They fixed me good. You see, that hotel is full of zombies, all trapped in the rooms. They have no fucking idea how to open the doors, so they’re stuck. I tried to find my friends, but every room I tried had some of those rotten sons of bitches in it. I finally gave up looking for them. For all I know they’re either still hiding out, or they took a chance and left without telling me goodbye.” He chuckled without humor at the memory.

  “During all of this, I would peek out of the windows and check the streets every day. There used to be thousands of those things wandering around, so I was stuck in that damned hotel for, shit let’s see, a year?” He frowned at the memory.

  “I never thought much of prisoners doing solitary, but man let me tell you, it’s enough to drive anyone crazy.” This memory called for another stiff belt.

  “There was enough bottled water and canned stuff to keep me alive, but when the electricity went out, most of the time I had to eat without benefit of cooking. When the water went out, I used the water in the toilet tanks to wash, which was no fun at all.” He shivered in disgust at the thought.

  “Anyway, I would peek out of the windows every chance I could. After a while, I noticed the numbers of them rotten motherfuckers were significantly less every day. One day I watched a few of them no good cocksuckers walking aimlessly, and then they fell over and didn’t get back up. The next morning I walked up the stairs to the top floor and looked out a window.” He looked off into the distance.

  “There were dead motherfuckers everywhere you could see. Oh, there were still some of those pus infested bastards wandering around, but not nearly as many as there used to be.”

  “So you made a break for it?” Howard asked.

  Rowdy shrugged. “After being totally alone for six months straight, I couldn’t take it anymore Hoss. I had to get out of there.” His eyes started watering up now. We found other things to look at. After a minute he dabbed his eyes and continued.

  “I stocked up as much food, bottled water, and booze as I could cram in this bus, and managed to get some of the cars moved out of the way. Now, here I am.”

  “But why here?” Julie asked. “Where were you going?”

  “The Interstate is clogged up tighter than a constipated pig, darlin’. There was no possible way to maneuver a bus through all of those trucks and cars. I was trying to take the back roads to go back to Alabama, but I made one big mistake.” We all looked at him questioningly.

  “I ran out of fucking gas!” He said and then howled with sudden laughter.

  “I got out
and looked around, and that’s when I saw the young lady there meandering down the road.” He peered over at her headless body. “She looked different from the other zombies I’ve seen.”

  “So, you climbed up on the roof and started singing to her? I asked. Rowdy grinned and nodded.

  “She was the closest thing I’ve seen to a live human in quite a while. I know it sounds crazy, but I was enjoying the company. It seemed like the thing to do at the time.” Rowdy exclaimed. Howard chuckled. I shook my head in disbelief.

  “Well, there is one other thing.” He pointed at one of the trees we had cut up and moved off of the road.

  “When I saw those trees, I told myself, somebody had cut them up recently. Now, I might not be the shiniest piece of corn in the manure pile, but I realized there were some live people somewhere around here. All I had to do was cop a squat and wait.” He looked over at Julie.

  “And here you are. If God is especially good, you’ll tell me you have an older nymphomaniac sister somewhere nearby.” He said with a hopeful grin.

  While the three of them talked, I walked over to the corpse, specifically, the decapitated head, rolled it over and looked at the eyes. To my chagrin, they opened and she gnashed at me with her teeth. It caused me to flinch and jump back. Julie must have noticed and walked over.

  “What is it?” She asked.

  “The head is still alive.” I said. She looked, and gave out a yelp when it looked at her.

  “What’s wrong with her eyes?” She asked. The zombie’s eyes were an opaque shade of black. The pupils were barely discernible. Wanting to conserve ammunition and keep noise to a minimum, I found a rock on the side of the road of sufficient size and was about to bash its skull in, but hesitated. I remembered the experiments conducted by Boom-Boom. Here was my chance to conduct my own experiments. I looked over at Julie. She seemed to know what I was thinking and slowly shook her head.

  I brought the rock down.

  “What do you think of him?” I asked. We’d all eaten dinner at the Howard’s new home and were now sitting on the couch with Andie and lovable Curly. He had given Andie a good sniffing when she first arrived and decided he liked her. I was sitting in between her and Julie, who currently had her head on my shoulder.