She’d put on a brave face for her parents that evening, and I loved her even more for it. Watching her mom and dad realize they were going to be grandparents was an awesome moment. She held my hand and slid the ultrasound picture across the table to her mother over dessert. Her mom looked at the picture, then looked up at Ella, and must have looked back and forth a hundred times before she finally muttered a frantic, “Is this what I think it is?” Tears were in Susan’s eyes as well as Ella’s and all Ella could do was nod her head, lip trembling, chin quivering. I looked at her dad and he looked like someone had told him he’d won a million dollars—pure joy and elation.
Her parents stood and hugged us both, her dad holding on to her for so long I wondered if he’d ever let her go.
It was perfect.
Then her mom took her into the office and they started looking at nursery decoration ideas on some website about thumbtacks or some such nonsense. It was a distraction for Ella—one that, at that moment, she’d desperately needed.
We both arrived in Lincoln City late the night before and went straight to bed. When I woke it was to sunlight streaming into the large windows that faced the ocean. The room was bathed in soft white light, but even the sunshine couldn’t remove the dark circles that were painted under Ella’s eyes. She looked exhausted even as she slept. She hadn’t mentioned having any more nightmares, but it was obvious the sleep she was getting wasn’t doing her much good.
I rolled towards her, completely satisfied to just take her in, to watch her in a state a peacefulness. To see her relaxed was something of a rare occurrence these days. My eyes moved over the blonde hair fanned out across her pillow, the way her hands were tightly tucked in under her cheek, the way her shoulders moved with every breath she took in.
I must have dozed off because I startled when I felt something move against my face. I opened my eyes and met her dazzling blue ones. Her hand ran along my jaw, smoothing over the roughness of my skin, unshaved for a few days now.
“Did you wake up to watch me sleep?” She asked, a knowing smile on her face.
“How did you know?”
“You usually sleep facing the window.” She shrugged. “Just a good guess.” She moved towards me and I opened my arms for her, breathing in her vanilla scent as she pressed her body into my chest. My arms wrapped around her, pulling her in even closer. “You’re worried about me, aren’t you?” She said after a few moments of warm silence.
“I always worry about you,” I said as I smoothed my hand over her golden hair. “But yes, I’m worried about you. And about the baby.” I felt her press her face into the space between my shoulder and neck, her breath moving over my skin sent goose bumps along my arms. “Will you talk to me? Are you having more nightmares?” I felt her mumble something into my neck, making me chuckle at her playfulness. “I’m sorry, what was that?”
She moved away slightly and I heard her take in a breath. “I’ve had one or two nightmares in the last couple days, but I’m not sure it’s the nightmares that are taking the biggest toll on me.” She paused and moved back even farther, her eyes finding mine. “All day long I find myself thinking about the shooter, wondering where he is, worrying that he’s going to come back or somehow find me.” She rolled farther from me and her hands came to rub up and down her face. I sat quietly and waited for more from her. I knew she wasn’t finished. Her hands finally came to rest above her head on her pillow and she looked over at me.
“How long will this last? How long will I have to spend my days fearing someone I can’t even remember fully? It doesn’t seem fair. I’ve had my life turned upside down because of this man: we’ve had our lives turned upside down, I’ve lost my memory, been hospitalized, and dealt with so much emotional baggage due to him, and yet he still haunts me. He was in front of me for all of forty-five seconds but he altered my life in an immeasurable way.” Her hand came up to wipe away one single tear. My girl was trying so hard to be strong. I saw her strength every day and knew she didn’t give herself enough credit.
“Hey, Babe,” I said, pulling her back into me, her face just inches from mine. “He’s got absolutely no reason to come back for you, none. He was more than likely just some homeless kid who wanted to make a buck. He doesn’t know who you are. He doesn’t care. You’ve got every right to be angry, but every reason to try and take back your life.”
“What if the nightmares never go away? What if I have to spend the rest of my life battling someone who isn’t even here?”
I could hear her voice edging on the precipice of panic. I would always do everything I could to make her feel safe, but I couldn’t be inside of her head, as much as I’d like to be sometimes. Even if she looked fine on the outside, she could be waging a war on the inside and no one would ever be the wiser.
“I think you’re doing a fantastic job, Ella. I can’t imagine the stress you’re under, but you have to understand that you are safe. I will never let anything happen to you. What else can I do to make you feel more secure? We can leave. We can up and move to another state, another country even. Anything, if it makes you feel safer.” I felt her head shake in my hands, her no immediate and forceful.
“I won’t let him run me away from my home or my family.”
And that’s how I knew, in the end, Ella would always be stronger than anything she battled against in her mind. She was a warrior, fierce and brave. She just never gave herself enough credit.
“And I won’t let you put yourself through anymore torture. You need to talk to me more, talk to somebody, when you’re feeling this way. Talking helps, yes?” She nodded. I kissed her forehead. “Good. Promise me.”
“I promise to talk to someone when I’m feeling anxious,” she said, humoring me.
I pressed a soft kiss against her lips, silently thanking her for appeasing me.
“Are you ready to go see my mom, or would you like to sleep a little more?” My hand wandered down and my finger feathered across her soft stomach, something I did now without even thinking about it.
“We might as well go now. I don’t think I could get back to sleep if I tried.”
“Will you shower with me?” I asked, my hand moving from her belly, over her waist, coming to rest on the swell of her ass. I was instantly glad she only wore a tee shirt and panties to bed as my hand had free reign over her smooth skin. I tugged her towards me, her hips fitting perfectly against mine, relishing in the way her eyes widened and mouth parted with a small gasp.
“Something tells me showering isn’t the only thing you have in mind,” her voice thick and low.
“I just want to make you feel better,” I replied, dragging my lips across hers, purposefully teasing.
“You’re on the right track.”
“Mmm . . .” I gave in and took her mouth fully against mine. She had the most perfect lips: full, thick, and pink. They always molded perfectly to mine and that always reminded me that she was, undoubtedly, made for me. My lips parted hers and her tongue fluttered out, mingling with mine. I couldn’t help the groan that found its way out of me and loved the whimper she met it with. The sounds she made when we were connected were, without a doubt, the sexiest sounds I had ever heard. Hearing her moan sent more hot blood through my veins, concentrating in my dick. I pulled back and she let out a startled complaint. “We need to get in the shower now, or it will take us an hour to make it there.”
She pushed my shoulders down so I was lying flat on my back and crawled over me. She came to straddle my hips, her sex lining up perfectly with my erection, only two thin layers of cotton separated her heat from mine. Her hair came to rest around her shoulders, her blue eyes bright with arousal, and her hands splayed out around my ribs. I froze watching her, taking in her beauty, struck motionless by the love I felt for her.
Then, much to my pleasure, she ground her hips down on me. My eyes closed, my head fell back against the pillow, and I think I growled. Some animalistic sound came from me and she answered with a low moan. She alte
rnated between rocking back and forth and moving her hips in tight little circles over my dick. It was the most wonderful form of torture. Suddenly, though, the wonderful, soft heat was gone and so was she.
I opened my eyes just in time to see her pulling her tee shirt over her head as she went into the bathroom, left only in her panties. She turned her gorgeous face over her shoulder and gave me the smile that would always and forever make my heart stop.
“Coming?” She asked sweetly.
Her eyes widened as I climbed out of the bed and stalked towards her. “Most definitely. And so are you.”
We eventually made it to my mom’s restaurant. When we entered, it was easy to find my mother. Her laugh was like a beacon and could be heard from anywhere in the building. Infectious, loud, and contagious, she laughed like she lived—without reservation.
She spotted us and I could see her whole face light up with happiness and love. It was nearly impossible not to mirror her expression. My mother was truly a wonderful woman and until I met Ella, I didn’t think there would ever be another woman who mattered to me on the level she did. I could feel my stomach tightening with nerves, excitement bubbling over with the idea of telling her that, finally, she was going to be a grandmother.
She politely finished up the conversation she was having with the two older men at their usual table, always coming in to flirt with my mother, and walked towards us. She went to Ella, wrapping her in a tight hug. I was almost jealous that my mother didn’t hug me first, but knew that no one could resist Ella. Also, it warmed my heart witnessing how much my mother loved her. She pulled away and then moved to give me a hug as well. I bent down and wrapped my arms around her waist.
My mother always smelled the same. It was a combination of baby powder and her favorite perfume, Chanel Number Five. She got her very first bottle from my father when they had started dating and every year on their anniversary he gave her another bottle. Eventually she had enough to last her a while, but he still bought her a new bottle every year. After he passed away, on their first anniversary she had to spend alone, I wrapped up one of her older bottles that hadn’t been used yet and gave it to her.
At first, when my mother broke into sobs, I thought I made a terrible mistake. I only wanted her not to feel sad, I wanted to give her what my dad couldn’t be there to give. I apologized and tried to explain how sorry I was, that I hadn’t wanted to upset her. She quieted me, telling me it was all right. She hugged me and I held her while her cries slowed.
“It’s ok,” she said to me, still working through a few tears. “I’m just so happy.”
“Happy?” I asked, confused as to how she could be happy without my father.
“I’m so happy that even though I lost your father, I still have the best part of him in you.”
After that, every year I wrapped up the same bottle and gave it to her. Until, of course, I grew up and got a job and could afford to buy her a new one. It was still a tradition I cherished and I think she did too.
I pushed aside the memory and pulled back from my mother.
“I didn’t know you two were in town today. Would you like some breakfast?” She looked at the watch on her wrist. “Or lunch?”
My eyes flickered over to Ella and I enjoyed the flush that played over her face, knowing she was thinking about why we hadn’t made it for breakfast.
“Do you have time to sit with us?” I asked.
“I think I could make some time for my favorite son and daughter.” Not once since our wedding had she called Ella her “in-law” and I knew it made both of them so happy.
We followed her to a booth and after we gave our order to the waitress I reached under the table, found Ella’s thigh, and gave it a squeeze.
“Mom, we came here today with a purpose.”
Her eyebrows rose in surprise. “Oh, you did?”
“Yes,” Ella said, bringing up the gift bag she brought in with her and placing it on the table. She looked over at me and gave me a sweet smile, obviously getting just as excited as I was. She slid the bag to my mother across the table. “This is for you.”
She took the bag with a confused look on her face. “It’s not my birthday,” she said, obviously trying to work out in her mind why we were bringing her presents.
“Just open it, Mom.”
She shook her head and opened the bag, bringing out a box one might use to wrap a sweater in for Christmas. She took the lid off and I saw her eyes grow wide with surprise. I gripped Ella’s thigh a little tighter and felt her hand come to rest over mine, showing me she realized how important this moment was for me. My mom reached into the box and pulled out a small pair of booties and a tiny hat, both were knitted with soft green yarn. She held one in each hand, looking back and forth between them and us.
“What is this?” She asked, her breath panting out as I could tell she was obviously holding back tears.
“There’s one more thing in there,” Ella said, her voice also rough with emotion.
My mom looked back into the box and placed the hat and booties on the table as she reached for the last item. She pulled out the ultrasound picture and held it up. I saw a tear fall down her cheek and tried to ignore the prickling behind my own, not wanting to cry in the middle of her restaurant.
“Does this mean what I think it means?”
Ella nodded her head and I moved my arm behind her back as she let out a sob, coupled with a very big smile.
“Oh my word . . .” My mother whispered. “You’re having a baby?”
“Well, I’m having a baby,” Ella said with a laugh. “But yes, you’re going to be a grandmother.”
I felt my smile widen and watched as my mother’s world shifted. I couldn’t imagine telling anyone anything and have them react with as much happiness as my mother was experiencing. She bounced in her seat, her hand covering her mouth, as she cried happy tears and squealed. She squealed so loudly that everyone in the restaurant turned to look at her. Then she let out another happy cry and started scooting out of the booth.
She held up the ultrasound picture over her head and shouted, “I’m going to be a grandma!” Everyone in the bar erupted into hoots and hollers, a round of applause rang through the building, and my mother did a happy little dance right next to our table. “Come give me a hug,” she said to Ella when she’d finished dancing. She climbed out of the booth and my mother wrapped her in a tight hug. “You’ve brought so much joy to our lives, Ella. I’m so thankful for you,” my mother whispered in her ear, just loud enough for only her and me to hear.
“And you,” she said, looking at me. “Get over here and give your mother a hug.” I did as she said and brought my mother into me, placing my nose against the skin of her neck, breathing in her familiar scent. She was tiny, and I had to bend to reach her, but I still felt like a little boy sometimes when she hugged me. “Your father would have loved to be here to see you like this, Porter. Happy. Married. A father. I just know he is somewhere watching all of this and he is so proud of you, Son.” I held on to her for a little longer, not wanting to pull away because I knew I’d lose my composure.
It was easy as the years passed to only think about my father on occasion. I buried myself in my work and didn’t feel anything for so long. However, I found that as my life started happening around me, meeting Ella, fighting for our love together, marrying, and now getting pregnant, every time we hit a milestone or accomplished something, there was always a slight painful pang that came from missing my father. It was a double-edged sword; we missed him, but we also celebrated for him, knowing he’d be just as happy, if not more so, as we were.
“Thanks, Mom,” I said as I pulled away. She lovingly patted my shoulder as we separated and her smile had never been so big or bright. It was simply awe-inspiring to witness.
“So, what names have you picked out?” Her eyes swung like a pendulum back and forth between Ella and me.
“We haven’t really gotten that far yet,” Ella said with a laugh.
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br /> “Well, you’ve got some time yet. When are you due?”
“The middle of August.”
“A summer baby! How exciting! Oh! We’ll have a baby here by Christmas!” She seemed to get lost in a flurry of thoughts all-things-baby. It was entertaining to watch. “Halloween, too! We could dress the baby up as a little pumpkin or a pea pod!” She went on and on like that for a few more minutes, but then, thankfully, our food arrived. We ate and talked about baby stuff, my mom asking Ella all about things like diapers, nursery décor, if Ella wanted to be a stay-at-home mom—all questions Ella had the perfect answers for.
When we left, Ella had plans with my mom for baby shopping the next week and I was exhausted. I had never seen my mother talk or smile so much. Not surprisingly, telling my mom she was going to be a grandma had been exactly as I would have imagined it. But all the excitement left me dragging.
“I think this momma needs a nap,” I heard from Ella. I looked over at her, a little bemused that she’d read my mind and caught her running her hand lightly over her belly, gently breezing over a baby bump that hadn’t quite formed yet. My heart caught in my throat, its pulse beating loudly in my ears. She looked so beautiful in that moment, the ocean behind her through the window, the hand with her wedding ring lovingly caressing our child’s home for the next 7 months.
“I love you.” The words came out of my mouth before I even realized I’d opened it.
Her gaze slowly shifted to me, her blonde hair falling over one shoulder to sway behind her back, her wedding ring still resting on her belly.
“I love you too.” Smiling, she added, “but I still need a nap.”
I laughed. “Good idea. I’ll take one with you.”
We made it home and she went straight up the stairs. She peeled her clothes off as she made her way across our bedroom, heading for the enormous king sized bed we shared. She crawled in, wearing only her panties, and pulled every blanket we owned up around her. She took my pillows, made a nest of sorts, and wiggled around until she finally turned to me and asked sweetly, “Do you think you could get me a glass of water?”
Never Giving Up (Never #3) Page 6
