Asimov's SF, June 2006

by Dell Magazine Authors

  That extraordinary novel, much less nutty than my synopsis makes it sound, set me to thinking. If someone who isn't even a priest can find himself pope one afternoon, I asked myself, why not someone who isn't even Christian? Why not, for example, me?

  A little research indicated that although no one who was not already a member of the College of Cardinals has become pope since the twelfth century or thereabouts, there is ample precedent for choosing a layman. In the year 236, for example, a farmer from the pro-vinces, one Fabian, was visiting Rome when the election of a new pope became necessary. Popes were not chosen by secret ballot then, as they are now, and Fabian was a spectator at the deliberations when a dove suddenly fluttered down and settled on his head. The assembled brethren were reminded of the scene in the Gospels of the descent of the Holy Spirit upon Jesus, and saw this as a divine instruction to make Fabian pope. He reigned for fourteen years. Eight centuries later, when Pope Benedict VIII died in 1024, his brother Romano seized the papal throne, had himself ordained as a priest and then as a bishop the same day, and took the name of John XIX. He was pope for the next eight years.

  I conceived a similar bold ambition. This was about 1957; Pius XII was pope, and he was not in good health. I told some of my friends that I would offer myself as a candidate when a successor was needed. The writer Randall Garrett, with whom I had collaborated on many SF stories back then, fastened enthusiastically on the idea. (Randall was an Anglican, not a Roman Catholic, but he took religious matters seriously.) He envisaged an all-day ceremony that would begin early in the morning with my baptism, proceed a little later to my entry into the priesthood, and so on up the ladder until by nightfall I had attained the papal throne itself.

  “You will then announce the name under which you will reign,” said Garrett, “and then you'll appear on the balcony of St. Peter's, and utter your first blessing to the city and the world.—By the way, have you given any thought to what name you'll choose?"

  In fact I had. The last pope who had been born as a Jew was the first one, St. Peter. No pope had been called Peter since. I would be Peter II, I told him. But in the discussion that followed, I came to see that that might be going too far, verging on hybris, that useful Greek term for overweening pride that merits divine vengeance. (There's a somewhat similar term in Yiddish—chutzpah.) I didn't want to be guilty of either sin, and so I studied the list of previous popes for a while and discovered eventually, to my great delight, that the name of Sixtus the Sixth was waiting to be chosen.

  I speak above of how, when Frederick Rolfe's Hadrian became pope, he proceeded to transform the Church and the world in the most extensive way. I had certain reforms of my own in mind, too, once I was in charge. I was, as it happened, married—so something had to be done about priestly celibacy. I wanted to reward Randall Garrett for his assistance and advice by making him Archbishop of Canterbury, since he was an Anglican, but that would require my bringing the Church of England back into the Roman Catholic fold. Therefore I was willing to back off a little way on the issue of papal supremacy, which had caused the rift in the first place, and issue a retroactive divorce to King Henry VIII. And so forth.

  As it happened, a vacancy in the papacy developed in 1958, but the cardinals ignored my application and chose John XXIII as pope. In the following years I tried for the job again and again, but was rebuffed in favor of, successively, Paul VI, John Paul I, John Paul II, and now Benedict XVI. But I am still young, as potential popes go. I continue to live in hope. The world may yet see the reign of Sixtus the Sixth. (My robot pope from “Good News from the Vatican,” incidentally, proclaims himself to be Sixtus the Seventh—a little inside joke by the author.)

  The custom by which the incoming pope picks his own regnal name, by the way, got started in 532, when one Mercurius was elected. It seemed like a bad idea for the pope to bear the name of a pagan god, so he chose to rule as John II. Gradually it came to be the custom for every new pope to take a special name, often that of some great earlier predecessor. The last who kept his given name was a certain Marcellus, elected in 1555. There had already been a pope Marcellus, in the fourth century, so he simply named himself Marcellus II. Since then most new popes have used recycled names—primarily Clement, Innocent, Gregory, Leo, Pius, or Benedict.

  But the newest Pope Benedict has one distinction that sets him apart from the fifteen previous popes of that name: an e-mail address. If you want to write to him in English, you can reach him at benedictxvi@vatican.va. He can be addressed also as benedetto (Italian), benedicto (Spanish), benoit (French), bento (Portuguese), or benedikt (German). O brave new century, where the pope has an e-mail address!

  Copyright © 2006 Robert Silverberg

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  On the Net: Adventures in Podcasting

  by James Patrick Kelly

  missed

  Let's start with a confession: I blew my big chance to get in on the ground floor of podcasting. Way back in August 2004 Dave Slusher—www.evilgeniuschronicles.org/wordpress, world renowned Evil Genius and interviewer extraordinaire, asked me to be the inaugural guest on his podcast Voices in Your Head www.itconversations.com/series/voicesinyourhead.html. “Sure,” sez I, “but what the hell is a podcast?” Understand that this was scant weeks after the podfather Adam Curry live.curry.com launched Ipodder www.ipodder.org/history. I'd started posting mp3 files of me reading my own stories to my website just six months before and Dave thought I was a natural to join the revolution. He urged me to jump into podcasting.

  The thing is, although I'm a geek wannabe, I am also, alas, an often-befuddled English major. This whole podcasting thing gave off a serious early adopter www. zonalatina.com/Zldata99.htm vibe that promised head-aches, heartbreaks, and long hours perusing FAQ's of obscure websites. I was way overdue on a short novel I was supposed to write for Tachyon Publications www.tachyonpublications.com so I gave Dave the interview www.itconversations.com/shows/detail219.html and filed podcasting away as a possible subject for a future column.

  D'oh! www.snpp.com/ guides/dohs.html

  So here's that column, now that the cutting edge has long since passed me by. Had I been writing this six months ago, at this point in the column, I would give you a short explanation of podcasting. But just to show you how far behind the edge I am here, I just recycled last Sunday's Boston Globe, and Parade Magazine www.parade.com/articles/editions/2005/edition11-20-2005/featured3, ferchrissakes, had an article about podcasting. By the time Parade covers a story, it's more like history than news. Suffice it to say that anyone who has an iPod or an mp3 player, which I figure must include about 87.4 percent of you, probably has a pretty good idea of what podcasting is and what it can do. If not, just check the Wikipedia en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Podcasting.

  talknet

  More people can talk than can write.

  This may not seem like the most profound insight that has ever appeared in this space, but it helps explain the avalanche of podcasts that has already come crashing down on us—with many more on the way. Of course, there are hurdles that any would-be podcaster must overcome before she gets onto the talknet; despite assurances from podcast evangelists, the technology is not quite ready for primetime. More on that in a moment. However, while it is certainly the case that there are many barely literate bloggers, the fact is that lack of writing skills has served as a kind of
filter for keeping certain people off the net. But once it is possible to plug a microphone into a computer and use a friendly software application to record and post to the talknet, everybody and his cousin will be podcasting. Perhaps you have been put off on occasion by the wrong-headedness and banality of some blogs. Well, it could be worse. Imagine what talk radio would be like if there were no articulate and relatively sane hosts to rein in the rambling and relatively deranged callers. Welcome to the talknet.

  It's been my personal experience, alas, that it's a hell of a lot easier for me to say something stupid than it is to write something stupid; rarely can I listen to an interview I've given without cringing. On some podcasts I've listened to, the quantity of chatter seems to matter more than the quality of thought. Oftentimes these shows will consist of two or more speakers who seem to be modeling themselves on drivetime shockjocks. They interrupt and insult one another, often in the process losing their train of thought. They crack wise about sex and beer and skiffy flicks and reward each other with guffaws in a kind of grotesque comedic codependency.

  And what's particularly ominous about these meretricious and babblicious podcasts is that they've been created by the smart people. Or at least, smarter than me. I won't rehearse all the difficulties I had in getting my own podcast on line, other than to say that I spent at least four days of headaches, heartbreaks, and long hours perusing FAQ's of obscure websites (see above). As it is, I finally had to settle for what feels like a roundabout and kludgy link to the talknet. First, I created a blog on Blogger www.blogger.com, an easy-to-use free service. My blog points to mp3 files available on the non-podcasting but otherwise downloadable Free Reads www.jimkelly.net/pages/freereads.htm page on my website. The problem is that Blogger can only create feeds in the Atom help.blogger.com/bin/answer.py?answer=697 format, but you need a RSS 2.0 www.podcastingnews.com/articles/UnderstandingRSSFeeds.html feed in order to podcast. Luckily, another free service, Feedburner www.feedburner.com can translate Atom into RSS. I highly recommend Feedburner, by the way. The support staff rocks! Anyway, there's a clear explanation of all this on Podcasting News www.podcastingnews.com/articles/MakePodcastBlogger.html, along with all sorts of other information you need to know.

  But wait, there's more! In order to post a podcast, you must first create one. For that, you need an audio editor and recorder. Yes, friends, you too can learn audio engineering in your spare time. The software of choice here is Audacity audacity.sourceforge.net, freeware available for Mac OS X, Windows, and Linux. I'd be using Audacity myself except that several years ago I popped for a commercial program, Sound Forge Audio Studio www.sonymediasoftware.com/products/showproduct.asp?pid=975 and I have so much time invested in learning its foibles that I can't possibly switch at this late date.

  The point here is that although someday there may be fairly transparent software that manages all aspects of podcasting from recording to editing to posting, that day is not yet here. Take it from me, creating your own podcasts is not for the timid.

  listen up

  Okay, okay, maybe you don't want to make a podcast. You just want to listen to a couple. Fortunately, “podcatching” is pretty straightforward. A major breakthrough for podcasting occurred when Apple's iTunes www.apple.com/ITunes opted to carry podcasts. Downloading shows to your iPod is pretty much the same as downloading music onto it, only the podcasts are free. But iTunes is totally Apple-centric. If you have anyone else's mp3 player, you need a different application. There are scads available, but my two favorites are Juice juicereceiver.source forge.net/index.php (formerly Ipodder) and Feed Demon www.bradsoft.com/feeddemon. How are you going to find podcasts to listen to? Well, keep reading; I promise to give you some pick SF hits. But you should also click over to podcasting directories like Ipodder.org www.ipodder.org, Podcast.net www.pod cast.net, and The Science Fiction Podcast Network www.tsfpn.com/tsfpn/index.html.

  So here, in no particular order, are some of the podcasts currently loaded onto my Nomad MuVo www.nomadworld.com/products/muvo:

  The Rev Up Review www.revupreview.co.uk is an eclectic mix of reviews, comment, rant, and original fiction offered up by one Paul J, from Portsmouth, England. Paul is one of the most astute SF podcasters on the net.

  The Dragon Page www.dragonpage.com is actually home to three, count ‘em, three, different podcasts brought to you by the easygoing team of Evo Terra and Michael R. Mennenga. My favorite of these is the Cover to Cover show, which features author interviews. Michael and Evo have a lot of fun with their podcasts and you will too.

  The Secrets stormwolf.com/thesecrets/podcasts/index.html offers “invaluable tips, tricks and tools for serious writers” from writer Michael J. Stackpole. While this podcast may offer too much insider info for the general reader, Michael's presentation is clear and his points are for the most part well taken. Aspiring writers should check this out forthwith. I must admit, however, that every so often I found myself itching to debate Michael on some of his pronouncements.

  I Should Be Writing shouldwrite.blogspot.com, hosted and produced by Mur Lafferty, is another podcast aimed at new writers. I have to confess that, even though I haven't been a new writer since Nixon resigned, I was utterly charmed by this sensible and unpretentious show. Highly recommended.

  Escape Pod escapepod.org is one of the most ambitious SF podcasts and probably my current favorite. Produced by Steve Ely, it bills itself as “The Science Fiction Podcast Magazine” and features regular readings of short and flash fiction. Much of what you can hear on Escape Pod are “reprints” previously published in print venues and performed by Steve's talented stable of readers.

  Podiobooks www.podiobooks.com is still in beta as I write this, but is nonetheless up and running nicely, thank you very much. This site is brought to you by the triumvirate of Evo Terro, Tee Morris, and Chris Miller, and is dedicated to longer works of fiction than Escape Pod. That's right, novels—but podcast in episodes. I'm watching this one with great anticipation.

  Spaceship Radio spaceshipradio.com, hosted and produced by Andy Doan, plays public domain Sci/Fi radio plays from the forties and fifties (mostly from X Minus 1 so far) as well as new work submitted by listeners. Lest you think this is merely an exercise in nostalgia, Andy does an excellent job of putting the issues raised by these radio plays into the current context.

  The Fantasy Times www.thefantasytimes.com/podcast.htm is home to the Fantasy Times Podcast and The Fantasy Minute. Both are the creations of Galaphile, who is at once a keen observer of the current fantasy scene and a shrewd critic. Galaphile's tastes are refreshingly eclectic; you're not going to have to suffer through “me too” opinions about the same tired old subjects on this podcast.

  exit

  As I said at the outset, I missed out on being a podcast pioneer. But I was intrigued by the idea of podcasting and so I set out to try it. As I write this, I am reading a new novella on my own podcast, Free Reads feeds.feedburner. com/freereads a chapter a week for sixteen weeks. But by the time you read this, I will have long since finished. And I must say that, while I certainly don't regret creating my podcast, I'm not sure just how devoted I am to it. I'm a writer, not an actor or a sound engineer or a webmaster. You may very well click over to Free Reads only to find that it's a ghost site that hasn't been updated in months.

  And that, I fear, may be the fate of much of the first wave of podcasts. Podcasting is a lot of work for little or no pay or recognition. Because I expect a major shakeout, I haven't a clue yet as to where this brave new tech is headed or what it means.

  But I have my ear on it.

  Copyright © 2006 James Patrick Kelly

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  The Leila Torn Show

  by James Patrick Kelly

  James Patrick Kelly has two new books out from Tachyon Publications: a novella, Burn, about forest fires, Henry David Thoreau, baseball, and apples and Feeling Very Strange: The Slipstream Anthology, co-edited with John Kessel. He recently joined the faculty of the Stonecoast Creative Writing MFA program. In his latest story for us, Jim views a new sort of drama from a very unusual perspective.

  The Leila Torn Show was nervous as she surveyed the audience on the studio monitor, trying to get a feel for their mood. When her band played her theme song as Slappy O'Toole stepped onto the set for the pre-show warm up, their fanfare was ragged. Chill, the band leader, glared at Bebop, the trumpet player, and Bebop stared at his shoes. The Leila Torn Show could see the studio audience shifting uncomfortably in their seats. She winced as Slappy's jokes bounced off them. Maybe they were just tired. Or hearing-impaired. Or Estonian. A bead of sweat glistened just below Slappy's receding hairline.

  The Leila Torn Show had known all along that there would be a huge letdown after last week's episode, when she had killed off her main character. But she had to push on. If she could just hold her own through tonight, she'd be all right.

  Her content providers were already looking ahead. In the comedy segment of next week's episode, they wanted to send someone to the dentist. The ceepees hadn't decided who it would be yet, although Slappy had already put in his bid. The Leila Torn Show felt sorry for him; he was in just one scene this week and he had only two lines, a joke about the weather. Her staff demographer had explained to him that his numbers skewed old and fat. Grandmas with deep fryers wrote him fan email but they didn't buy enough upscale product.