She turns to face me, sinking down on her side. “I thought you’d gone and wrote me off. Then here you are crawlin’ back in my window like you haven’t ignored me for the past three weeks.”
I cringe. “I know. I’m an asshole.”
“Is that your version of an apology?”
“It’s me saying I fucked-up and I know it. You make me feel… so much, Goldi. I don’t know how to handle it, sometimes.”
She reaches over, grabbing my hand and interlocking our fingers. “Apology accepted.”
Guilt slithers up my spine knowing I’m not planning on changing my ways. “I’ll probably fuck up again, you know.”
She yawns. “Yeah, probably.”
My throat is tight, clogged from all the things I want to tell her. “How you feeling today, Goldi?”
She doesn’t answer, already drifting back to sleep. I lay in the silence, content to just be in her presence, my thumb stroking lazily over the back of her hand.
“... you make me feel too, Chase.” I’m not even sure she’s awake when she says it.
It’s been a hard day, but like always, being around her lifts the heaviness from my chest, and for the first time in three weeks I can breathe again.
Tomorrow, I’ll be strong.
5
Alina
Fifteen Years Old
There’s a bonfire tonight down at the lake. It’s a tradition. A last hurrah for the end of summer. I’d rather stay home, and curl up with a good book instead.
“I think I’m gonna skip out on this one,” I tell Lily as she rampages my closet.
“Nope. I don’t accept that. Here, try this.” She thrusts a pink silk camisole in my face.
“Ugh, Lily, I literally cannot think of anything I wanna do less than sit in front of a fire in this heat.”
She points her finger at me. “You didn’t let me throw you a birthday party this year, this can be your apology.”
“I thought lettin’ you dress me up like a Barbie was the apology.”
“Nope, that’s just you making good choices.” She winks as she hands me a jean skirt.
I smile big and wide. It’s so good to have her here. She’s been gone a lot lately. Hanging out with a new group of people, and even when she is around, she’s off. After I went mother hen on her over that creep Darryl, she started pulling away. She swears up and down he’s out of the picture, but it’s hard to keep the faith when she disappears for days at a time.
I push back my worry and don’t bring him up. I’ve missed my best friend.
Becca busts through the door, a bottle of vodka in her hand I’m sure she stole from her mama’s secret stash. “Alright bitches, they don’t get me back ‘til Sunday. What are we gettin’ into?”
“Convincing Lee to come to the End of Summer Bonfire.” Lily glares at me, hands on her hips.
Becca laughs, placing the vodka on my desk. “Oh, Lee, it’s adorable how you think you have a choice.”
I sigh. “Who all’s gonna be there?”
Lily rolls her eyes. “Everyone. There’s only like twenty people in this town as it is, with nothing to do. Where else would they go?”
Becca grabs Lily’s phone as it chimes on the desk, and stares at the screen.
“Uhh... Lily, there’s someone named ‘Big D’ in your phone tellin’ you to be a good girl, and maybe he’ll re-up your stash.”
Lily rips the phone from her hand. “Jesus, Becca, mind your fucking business.”
Becca cocks an eyebrow. “Excuse me, Miss Priss? Seems like you need me to make it my business.”
Lily’s body is coiled tight. “Oh, please. Just because your dad’s the preacher of this Podunk town doesn’t mean you have the right to invade people’s lives whenever you please.”
I’m too busy processing the fact Lily needs a “stash” to be offended by her words about the town I’ve lived in my whole life. My eyebrows draw together. “Lil, what the heck is goin’ on with you? You can talk to us, you know?”
She ignores me, fingers flying over the keyboard, and breathing heavy like she just ran a marathon. Her phone rings and she mutters something about privacy as she scurries out of the room.
My mouth is hanging as I meet Becca’s eyes. She raises her arms out to the side mouthing, “What the fuck?”
I shake my head in disbelief.
A few hours later, we make it to the lake. It’s a balmy night, and everyone who’s anyone is here. People cluster in groups along the bank. There are a few Adirondack chairs around the fire, and my booty is sitting comfortably in one for the duration. I’m nursing a warm, stale beer in a red Solo cup, pretending to listen to Ricky Walker tell me all about his daddy’s fishing store. But my eyes are on Chase. That ratchet girl Suzy Abbott has her breasts pressed up so tight to his side, I’m surprised she can breathe.
When she leans up to whisper in his ear, my stomach burns with jealousy.
When her hand slips into his jeans, my jealousy turns to anger.
I’m not naive—I know he sleeps around. I’ve smelled the perfume lingering on his clothes as he lays in my bed and tells me he’s no good. But to see it right in front of me? It makes me sick. I know he feels something. I wish he would get over his issues and just let me love him. But if he wants to spend his time being too afraid, that’s his choice. His stupid, terrible, idiotic choice.
I turn sharply toward Ricky, looking him up and down. His blond spiky hair and dull brown eyes aren’t really my thing, but he’ll do.
Is he still talkin’? I cut him off. “Yeah, great. Listen. You wanna get out of here?”
His eyes widen. “Uh... yeah. Yes.” He clears his throat. “Like, now?”
“Yup.” I spring up, letting my cup fall to the sand as I grab his hand, pulling him from his seat.
I march down the bank toward the parking lot, on a mission to find Ricky’s truck. I don’t bother looking back.
I thought it would feel different. Losing my virginity. But lying here in my bed, feeling the breeze from my open window, I feel the same as I have every other night. I reach down and cup myself, thinking I should feel something. Sore or I don’t know—some sign of entry?
Dang, that sounds stupid.
I thought it would make me feel like more of a woman, I guess. Honestly, it was nothing to write home about. Can’t say I regret it, though. I’ve built up how my first time was going to go for years, always trying to picture the perfect way Chase would take it from me.
What a joke.
The pressure of it living up to my expectations is gone now, at least.
“Goldi.”
Great. Out of all the nights for him to show back up in my life, it had to be tonight. I close my eyes. I’m afraid it will hurt to look at him.
“Goldi.”
His voice is closer now. I crack my eyes open and take a peek. He’s peering down at me, his dimples showing his amusement. Dang. I’m a sucker for the dimples.
I open my eyes fully and sigh. “Hi, Chase.”
“Where’d you disappear to tonight?” He’s leaning against my nightstand, hands in his pockets.
“Oh, you knew I was there?” I ask, eyebrows raised.
He looks down, shoulders slumping.
“Remember when we used to be best friends, Chase?”
“You’re still my best friend, Goldi.” He speaks slowly, the words rolling off his tongue like molasses.
I laugh. “Well, you must be the worst one I’ve ever had.”
“Don’t say that. Fuck!” The sound of his foot kicking the bottom of my nightstand is jarring.
“Quiet! You wanna wake Eli, or worse, my daddy?”
He winces, reaching up to grip his hair. “I just... I’m so fucking twisted up. I see you and it’s like all my shit gets thrown in the air, and I have no control over where it will land.”
“You can’t control everything, Chase. That’s not real life.”
He huffs. “What do you know about real life, Goldi? You’re fiftee
n.”
“Don’t you patronize me!” My voice is sharp but quiet. “I know enough about life to know that never takin’ a risk is never really livin’. Mama says just to make sure the juice is worth the squeeze, that’s all. I think you’re worth the squeeze.” My palm tries to rub away the ache in my chest. “I can’t breathe sometimes with how much I wish you would think the same of me.”
He approaches, knees hitting the edge of the bed as he leans down. His calloused fingers trail down my jaw and he cups my face. His Adam’s apple bobs with the motion of his swallow, and he gazes in my eyes, searching for... who knows what?
“Sometimes, I think I must love you, Goldi. That’s the only explanation for why my chest feels like it’s gonna explode whenever you’re around. But the last woman who I loved more than the world? She decided I wasn’t worth it, and left me with nothing but broken pieces and a baby sister to take care of.”
Love. My heart thumps faster even as I’m lost in his sorrow, wishing I could take away his pain. His thumb brushes over my bottom lip. “I ruin people’s love. I don’t want to ruin you, too.”
My fingers circle his wrist, feeling his pulse pound beneath my thumb. “Why don’t you let me worry about that?”
He closes his eyes, resting his forehead against mine, rolling it back and forth.
A door opens down the hall, wood slats creaking as someone walks over them. Chase’s eyes snap open.
He bolts to the window, not looking back until he’s got one leg out, his body straddling the ledge. The muscle in his jaw tics from so many things left unsaid in the air around us. Then he slips away into the night.
Just like that, he’s gone again.
6
Alina
Sixteen Years Old
“Reed Stanton asked me on a date.” I’m nonchalant, sitting on my bedroom floor.
Becca’s laying on the bed with a Cosmo magazine. She drops it to the side, rolling over to give me her full attention. “And?”
“And... I said yes.” I shrug my shoulders like it isn’t a big deal, but we both know it is.
“I’m sorry, what?” She cups her hand over an ear.
“You heard me.”
“I did, I just wanted to hear it again. I never thought I’d see the day you’d go on a date with someone who’s not Chase.”
“Is that really so hard to believe?”
“Yeah, it really is. It’s about time, though. You’re sixteen and still so twisted up in him when he doesn’t even see you.”
“He sees me.”
“You mean when he sneaks in your room once every few months to use you as his emotional trash can?” She taps her chin. “Or maybe it’s when he ignores you at school, too busy payin’ attention to the tits and ass all over him.”
My heart squeezes as I defend him. “Chase is complicated. You wouldn’t understand.”
“I understand he’s a dick.”
“Why are we talkin’ about Chase, again? I thought I was tellin’ you about my date with Reed.” I need to get the subject back on track.
Becca sits up, smacking her hands on her thighs. “Yes! Reed ‘Lick Him Like A Lollipop’ Stanton! Damn, that boy is finer than frog hair. Watchin’ him throw the football in those tight pants is the only reason I fake school spirit.”
I giggle at her theatrics.
She falls backward on the bed, laughing. “How’d he get you to say yes, anyway?”
“He cornered me at my locker. Said the only thing better than winnin’ the game on Friday night will be when he gets to take me out on Saturday.”
Her jaw drops. “He just said it to you like that? Didn’t even ask?”
I shake my head, smirking at the memory.
“Damn, I bet he fucks like a porn star.”
“You are so crass, Rebecca Jean!”
“Best way to live, honey.” She grins, tossing her wild red hair over her shoulder. “Does Lily know yet? I bet she can’t wait to dress you up.”
My smile dims. “I haven’t seen her goin’ on three days now. She missed classes on Thursday and Friday.” Worry bubbles in my gut over who she’s spending her time with. “She hasn’t even been comin’ to dance practice.”
Becca makes a face. “I have half a mind to go over there and stick my foot up her ass. In fact, there’s no time like the present.”
“You wanna go over there? Like, right now?” My teeth bite down on my lower lip at the thought of seeing Chase.
“Why not? She can’t hide from us forever.” She jumps up from the bed, marching out of the room. “Let’s go.”
Chase opens the door. He’s got sleepy eyes and nothing on but basketball shorts. My eyes track his chiseled abs, up his defined chest, and over the corded muscles in his arms. Construction work does a body good.
Leaning against the door frame, he glances at Becca before locking his stormy hazel eyes on me. I feel like an ant under a magnifying glass with the way he’s burning me up. Lust and hurt mix together, seeping from my pores, and flooding the space between us.
Becca cuts the tension. “Hey, asshole, your sister home?”
“Nope. Thought she was with you two.”
Dang it, Lily. I can’t believe she’s still using Becca and me as her scapegoats. I stay silent, even though my mind is screaming.
“Well, you thought wrong,” Becca says. “Mind if we hang around a while and see if she comes home? We need her fashion expertise. My girl has a date tonight with the quarterback and I’m tryin’ to guarantee some action, if you know what I mean.” She nudges my arm, winking obnoxiously.
I watch closely for his reaction, searching for a sign that he feels something, anything. But he’s stoic. A statue of perfection that remains unchanged.
“Sure, come on in.” He opens the door wider.
Becca rushes by, taking residence on the living room couch. I start to follow but get held back by a strong grip around my wrist. My heart stutters as he closes the space between us, tugging my back to his front. Lips brush my ear, his breath prickling my skin with goose bumps. I squeeze my eyes shut, ignoring the way my body sings.
“If he touches you, I’ll kill him,” he whispers.
The thread holding my anger inside snaps, unable to take any more of this twisted push-and-pull game he’s been playing. I turn around, ripping my wrist from his grasp in the process. “You’re not my brother, and you’re sure as hell not my daddy. You don’t get to come and go from my life as you please, then think you get a say.”
He rears back.
I don’t let him go far, stepping into him and speaking low. “As a matter of fact, when you go out tonight, and do whatever it is you do, with whatever girl you do it with... I want you to close your eyes, and imagine Reed doin’ the exact same thing to me.”
His nostrils flare, but that’s the only sign he’s heard what I said. It doesn’t matter. I’m done playing this game with him.
Becca’s staring, unashamed, as I walk to the couch and sit. Her hand shoots up for a high five.
“Don’t.” I smack her hand away before grabbing the remote and flipping through the channels. I try to ignore the feel of Chase’s stare and relax. Hopefully, Lily comes back soon to serve as a distraction.
We wait for what feels like hours, but she never shows up.
Reed Stanton is Sugarlake royalty. There’s not much that has the power to unite small towns quite like football, and he’s an all-American quarterback that’s given our high school the best record in the past two decades. My daddy is an avid football fan, which is the only reason Mama got him to agree to this date.
Right now, Daddy’s sipping whiskey in his recliner, his short dirty-blond hair mussed, and his blue eyes alert. He’s trying to pretend he’s not waiting for the doorbell to ring. “What’s this boy’s name again?”
“Daddy, you know Reed. You were just singin’ his praises last week when you were talkin’ about him takin’ us all the way to state.”
He grunts. “That was before he went
and got eyes for my baby girl.”
“You started datin’ Mama when she was younger than me,” I point out.
“That was different, I was a gentleman who only wanted to hold her hand. Didn’t even kiss ‘til we were married. Kids these days act too grown.”
“Don’t you listen to that nonsense, Alina May. Your daddy was a hound,” Mama teases, smacking him on the back of the head. “What time is Reed comin’ to pick you up, baby?”
The doorbell rings.
I’m halfway off the couch, when Daddy pops up, speed walking to the door. I huff out a laugh. I knew he was waiting.
Wiping my clammy hands on the skirt of my yellow sundress, I follow behind. Other than the rash decision of letting Ricky Walker pop my cherry in the back of his pickup truck, I don’t have much experience with guys. I’m a little nervous.
I see Reed’s head nodding to whatever Daddy’s saying, his silky brown hair just a little too long to be clean-cut, bobbing with the motion.
“Hi,” I interrupt.
He shifts his focus over to me. “Wow. Hi, you look stunnin’.”
“Thank you. Ready to go?” I side-eye Daddy as his gaze volleys between us, terrified he’s about to embarrass me. He never acted like this with any of Eli’s dates.
“Have a good time, baby girl.” He kisses the top of my head and levels Reed with a glare. “Have her back by ten, and no funny business. You hear me?”
“Yessir.” Reed breaks into a smile so perfect, it’s worthy of any parents’ trust. My chest warms at the sight.
We walk toward the car. “I hope it’s okay we’re goin’ to the lake. I brought some food and a blanket to lay out.”
“Like a picnic?”
“Yeah, just like that.” He grins.
“Sounds perfect.” I link my arm through his.
The lake is quiet for a Saturday night, just a few people having a bonfire down the way. Reed spreads out his checkered blanket and we settle in. He opens up a basket, pulling out various meats and cheeses, a baguette, and some grapes. My eyes widen as I realize how much effort he put into this.
Beneath the Stars Page 4
