Beneath the Stars

by Emily McIntire

  “And you look like my biggest regret.” The words are out before I can stop them. He winces. Guilt tries to slither its way through me, but I slap it back down.

  He wasn’t there when I needed him most. Cheated on me while my mom was dying in the hospital. He doesn’t deserve my remorse.

  He sighs and leans back, gripping the edge of the desk. “Look, I had no clue you worked here, and I won’t lie, I’m excited about this project. But I don’t want to make things harder for you, so if this…” he waves his hand back and forth between us, “will be an issue, I’ll tell Sam to put someone else on the project.”

  Sam?

  “What?” I whoosh out. “Are… are you back home?”

  His mouth lifts slightly. “Don’t sound so excited.”

  “I’m not anything when it comes to you.” I shrug.

  I really want to tell him that yes, I do want someone else on the project. But, the last thing I need is for Regina to think I threw a tantrum, especially when I’m on thin ice. “You’re already here so you might as well stay, but let’s get one thing straight. We are not friends. We are not acquaintances. We are nothin’. In fact, we’re less than nothin’. Let’s just agree to make this process as quick and painless as possible.”

  He lowers his head and nods. The muscle in his jaw tics, and his fingers tighten around the edge of the desk. “Whatever you want, Go–Alina.”

  I let out the breath I was holding. “Good, now show me what you’ve got.”

  Somehow, I’ve made it through the day. I’m sitting at my kitchen table staring at the bottle of wine I’ve been saving for a special occasion. For this special occasion. The celebration of my new job. The start to the rest of my life. Only, I don’t feel much like celebrating now.

  I never in a thousand years expected Chase to come barreling into my life again, and I’m left off-kilter and nauseous from the way he’s spun me around. Even after all this time, the effect he has on me is heady.

  I tap my fingernails on the table, eyes bouncing from the empty wine glass, to the bottle, to my phone. Jax and Becca are both expecting my call. I grab the bottle ready to pour an ample glass, but before I get the chance my phone screen lights up.

  The Watering Hole.

  Of course. The perfect ending to a perfect day. I set the bottle back down, eyeing it longingly as I accept the call.

  “Hello?”

  “Hey, Lee.”

  I sigh, “Hi, Johnny. Daddy need a ride?”

  “Yeah. He uhh… isn’t takin’ too kindly to being cut off. It’s not a good night.”

  I bang my forehead on the table, praying that I’ll wake up and this day will have been a nightmare. “Okay, I’m on my way.”

  Daddy’s sitting in his usual spot at the bar when I arrive. He’s hunched around a glass of water, glaring at Johnny who’s at the other end, pouring drinks.

  “Daddy.”

  His head lolls over and he gazes at me through hazy eyes. “Gail?”

  Bad night, indeed.

  “No Daddy, it’s me. Alina.” I reach out to put my hand on his back, but he shrugs me off.

  He snarls. “They’re always callin’ you out here, like a… a goddamned babysitter. Go home, I’m just fine.” His words are slurred, but years of practice have tuned my ears to understand the garble.

  “You’re not fine, and you’re lucky Johnny hasn’t banned you from this place. Let’s just get you home where you can get a good night’s rest.” I reach out again, looping my arm through his to support his weight as I pull him from the stool.

  He complains but doesn’t resist. I mouth “thank you” at Johnny while I walk Daddy out. It isn’t until we’re in my car that I feel like I can breathe again.

  After I get him settled at the house, I head straight to the cemetery to visit Mama. When Daddy’s at his worst, being next to her, if only in spirit, is the only balm that soothes my soul.

  “Hey, Mama.”

  My back’s against her headstone, and I finger the wilting flowers next to me. “Sorry I didn’t bring any tulips, this wasn’t exactly a planned visit. I just needed someone to talk to, I guess.”

  I lean my head back, staring at the stars. “You know what’s funny, Mama? There hasn’t been a single night in the past eight years where I’ve been able to see stars and not think of Chase. Not once. In eight freakin’ years. But then last night, I sat on my patio and counted as many stars as I could find without him ever crossin’ my mind.” I huff out a laugh. “Joke’s on me, huh?”

  I don’t say anything else, just close my eyes and try to find some peace. Hoping she can calm the storm that’s swirling inside me. I kiss my palm and press it against the engraving of her name. “I love you, Mama. I won’t ask if you’ve got any pull up there… not tonight. I’ll save that for our usual visit. Give you some time to come up with a different answer.” I smile softly, even though I feel the pain of loss sneaking through the cracks of my heart.

  Jax calls on the way home. Complaining about that producer and his daughter again. I don’t want to make his mood worse by bringing up Chase. So I don’t.

  There’s always tomorrow.

  25

  Chase

  “What’s wrong?” Marissa asks, frowning through the screen of my phone.

  “Nothing’s wrong. Just tired, it was a long day.”

  “How was your first day on that new project?”

  Shit. Why’d I have to answer when she FaceTimed? The last thing I want to talk about with Marissa is how my day went. How the fuck am I supposed to tell my girlfriend that my entire world was upended when Goldi came crashing back into it?

  I lay on the bed and spew out random words, hoping they sound convincing. “It was good. I think it will be pretty easy, the owner’s already got all the classes shut down. It’s just an empty building, waiting for the reno.”

  “That’s nice. Do they have a designer you’re working with? Or should I offer my services?” She giggles. I know she’s joking, but the thought of her being in the same place as Goldi has me feeling sick. “So listen,” she continues, “I got an invitation in the mail today for Sam’s retirement party. Were you ever going to tell me about it?”

  “What do you mean, tell you about it? I’ve only been back home for three days, Marissa. The party isn’t until next month.”

  “I know. But… Well, do you want me to come?”

  Not really. “If you want to,” I sigh. “Listen, can we talk about this later? I’m beat.”

  “Okay. I’ll start planning to take that weekend off so I can come down and stay. It will be fun! I’m excited to see where you grew up.”

  Nausea fights through the tightness in my throat. I should feel good about my girlfriend coming to visit. I’ve been trying to convince myself that it’s time to really make a go of things with Marissa. She’s been wanting more, and there’s no reason why I shouldn’t try to find happiness. It will be a good thing, having her here. Allow me to make new memories so I can focus on the future. Not fixate on feelings from the past.

  I hang up the phone and stare at the ceiling. I hadn’t even thought about Sam’s retirement party. Anna only told me about it yesterday. I had no idea she sent out invitations already. I wonder if Goldi will be there. It’s a small town, and my family has always been close to hers.

  To say I was stunned when she walked into the office is putting it mildly. If I ever had any doubt about the strength of our connection, it was put to bed after seeing her again. One look was all it took for my soul to light on fucking fire, and my skin to prickle with the need to feel her against me.

  I walk over to the en suite, ridding myself of my clothes. I feel dirty and tired. I’m hoping a shower will help me get some rest. The water runs in rivulets down my chest, and I soap up my body, trying to wash away the desperation that clings to my skin from being around Goldi all damn day.

  Fuck, stop thinking about her.

  I push her out of my mind, focusing on tomorrow’s to-do list. It wo
rks for a minute. Until I realize that tomorrow will also be spent next to her. I picture how she looked today. Cheeks flushed, eyes wide—her tight as fuck clothes showcasing how well she’s grown into her curves. Blood rushes straight to my cock, making it throb painfully. I groan, trying to ignore it.

  I will not jerk myself off to thoughts of her.

  My hand is already moving south as I think the words, wrapping around my shaft, sliding up and down once… twice… a third time. Slowly stroking. Teasing myself, as I close my eyes and let Goldi overtake my mind completely.

  Fuck, that feels good.

  My cock thickens. I start to thrust into my fist, picturing myself ripping the buttons off that cream blouse she was wearing. Feeling the weight of her breasts in my hands. My hips jerk as I think of her body, every inch of her delicious curves pressed up against me. Her vanilla scent invading my senses as I put my leg between hers, feeling her heat as she grinds on my thigh. I imagine her whimpers, eyes half-mast as she gets lost in the pleasure, my name on her lips—and that’s all it takes for me to explode. Euphoria spreads through my body as cum shoots out of my tip, my head thrown back from the force of my orgasm.

  I lean my head against the wall, the cool tile calming my racing heart, as I pant from the exertion. Holy fuck. I haven’t come that hard in years.

  As the haze lifts, guilt weaves its way through my body. She would fucking hate me—more than she already does—if she knew I was getting off to her in the shower like a fucking pervert. But that doesn’t stop me from doing it all over again in the morning.

  I stop at the coffee shop on my way into work. I’m standing in line when a voice interrupts my perusal of the menu.

  “I know my eyes must be deceivin’ me, ‘cause there is no way on God’s green Earth that Chase Adams is standin’ here in Sugarlake.”

  Fucking, perfect. I spin around. “Hi, Becca. Long time.”

  “Not long enough,” she responds, a smile as sweet as candy painting her face.

  “Goldi didn’t tell you I was back?”

  Becca’s eyes widen before she schools her features, and I realize I may have just fucked-up and thrown Goldi under the bus.

  “What Lee and I talk about is none of your concern. Actually, nothin’ to do with Lee is your concern.” She eyes me critically. “Are you back for good?”

  I nod, giving her a smirk. “Afraid so. Sorry to disappoint.”

  Her eyes ice over. “You think this is a joke?” Her finger pokes at my solar plexus, digging in just enough to hurt. “You better stay the hell away from Lee, Chase. I’m not kiddin’. You have no business sniffin’ around her after what you did.”

  I’ve moved up in line and order my coffee from the barista. Once I pay, I move to the side, waiting until Becca’s done with her order before I speak. “Listen, not that I owe you any explanations, but I was a kid when I was with Goldi, and yeah, I screwed up. I wish I could take it back, but I can’t. I would apologize, but the only person who deserves the words is Goldi, and she isn’t exactly open to hearing them. And that’s okay, I’ve come to terms with how things are. But I’m here. I’m not leaving. My family needs me, and that’s my only concern. I don’t want to cause any problems.”

  Becca squints, her head angling as she taps her high-heeled foot. “You’re different.”

  My mouth quirks. “Yeah, well, growing up can do that to a person.”

  “Whatever. Just remember what I said. Stay away from her, Chase. Live your life and let her live hers. She’s moved on and she doesn’t need you messin’ with her head.”

  The barista calls my name, handing over my coffee, but I’ve lost the taste for it.

  I think about Becca’s words all the way to Sweetwater.

  Jack, the head of my demolition crew, is waiting for me in the parking lot when I arrive. Today we’re doing a standard walk-through of the property. Laying out what needs to be done, and checking for hazardous conditions. If all goes smoothly, we’ll be able to start the demolition of the main area in the next couple of weeks.

  “Hey, Jack.”

  “Chase, good to see you, man. Is it just us today?”

  “Yep. You and me, buddy. Well, almost. The owner’s a little suffocating, to say the least. She put her office manager on us like a guard dog.”

  I look around the lot, checking for Goldi’s car. She’s still driving that same shitty Kia she had eight-years ago. I wonder if she’s holding on to it for sentimental value, or if she hasn’t had the money to get a new one. I’m surprised as hell the thing even runs. I guess if she’s still friends with Jax that probably explains it. Becca’s parting words filter through my mind. Is she with Jax now? My stomach curdles at the thought, and envy that I have no right to feel spreads through my veins.

  Jack pats me on the shoulder before heading inside. I steal another glance at Goldi’s car, mentally preparing myself for another day in her presence. I’m gonna get my money’s worth this month with Doc, that’s for sure.

  I don’t see her at all while we conduct the walk-through, and I’m grateful for it. She’s the worst kind of distraction, and I need to focus on the task at hand. It’s not until a few hours later that I finally have to suck it up and find her. She needs to know about the progress we’ve made, and some of the issues we’ve found.

  I knock on the office door.

  “Come in.”

  Her voice makes my stomach flip. Get a fucking grip. She’s sitting behind the desk, her hands on the computer keyboard.

  “Hey, G—Alina.” I grimace as I correct myself. It’s hard not to slip up and call her Goldi. It’s all I’ve ever known her as, and the name Alina feels like sandpaper on my tongue.

  She continues typing on the computer, her jaw tightening.

  I shift on my feet, uncomfortable with the way she’s ignoring me. “So, we just finished the walk-through for the areas being renovated.” Still no response. “Unfortunately, there are some issues.”

  Her fingers pause on the keys, the desk chair creaking as she leans back. “What do you mean, issues?”

  “Well, there are some areas, especially in the front room, that are concerning. Possibly asbestos. My demo leader, Jack, is taking samples now to be sent to the lab for analysis.”

  “How long will that take?”

  “It usually takes at least a week for the results. We’ll have them rushed, but there isn’t much we can do in the meantime.”

  “What do you mean there’s not much you can do? Can’t you just work around the areas?”

  I chuckle but stop when she glares at me. “Asbestos is harmless unless it becomes airborne. If there’s a problem here and it gets disturbed, that’s when it will become an issue.”

  “I thought asbestos was regulated.”

  “Not when this was built, it wasn’t. I was hopeful going in this morning, but I knew it was a risk. We won’t be able to start work until we get the results back from the lab.”

  She groans. “Have you told Regina this?”

  “Nope. You’re my point of contact, not her.”

  “So you expect me to deliver the bad news?” She covers her face with her hands. “You’re just itchin’ to get me fired, aren’t you?”

  “I don’t mind calling her if you’re that worried about it.” It’s not really something I want to do. Regina is aggressive, to say the least. She’s been chomping at the bit to get my cock inside her since the second we met.

  Goldi peeks at me from between her fingers. “You don’t?”

  I shake my head. “Nope. Not if it makes your day easier.”

  She leans forward, her elbows coming down on the desk. “Okay, yeah. Okay. Well... wait a minute. If you call, she’ll probably think I put you up to it. That I’m incapable of deliverin’ a message. Maybe I should just call her?” She nods. “Yeah, I’ll just call her and hope for the best.”

  I stifle my smile. She continues to ramble as she reaches to grab the phone. My hand shoots out to cover hers before I can stop it. She gasps
and blinks up at me. Electricity pulses through my fingers and up my arm, shocking my heart into a faster rhythm.

  Her tongue peeks out, teeth following as she bites down. My nostrils flare, my eyes tracking the movement, jealous as fuck that her tongue gets to taste those perfect lips.

  “Don’t,” I manage to rasp out. “Let me do this. I’ll tell her I wanted to be the one to deliver the news.”

  “Okay,” she whispers. My fingers tighten around hers and she breaks our gaze to stare at where we’re connected.

  Her hand jerks out from under mine. “Is that all?”

  I’m still rooted in place, my mind working to catch up. “What?”

  “Is that all you have to tell me? If so, you can show yourself out.” She angles her head toward the door, avoiding my eyes.

  I step back, rubbing my chin and exhaling as I try to regain my equilibrium. “Yeah, that’s it. We’ll be here for a while longer finishing the samples and then we’ll be out of your hair.”

  She nods, effectively dismissing me.

  Journal Entry # 316

  I had a dream last night that Lily came home. I woke up with tears on my face and a hollowness in my chest when I realized that’s all it was… a fucking dream. It’s been almost a decade since I’ve seen her. Hell, I don’t even know if she’s still alive. But I believe she is. I don’t have faith in much, but I have to trust in that belief.

  Here’s one for ya, Doc. You know what I’ve been feeling recently when it comes to Lily? Anger. Fucking anger. And I don’t even know if it’s justified but it’s there either way.

  My whole life was spent protecting her. I found comfort in knowing she appreciated all I did for her. But maybe she never really knew. Or maybe selfishness is a family trait and she never really cared.

  The first foster home wasn’t sunshine and roses. It’s where I learned a lot of people are in it for the money, not for their love of children. I was still naive, believing Mom would come back and “save” us from the state she dumped us in. Lily was just scared. Too young to understand what was really going on. She always had this one raggedy stuffed bunny rabbit she held on to. Never let it out of her sight since she was old enough to grab things. It had threads all over it from where I clumsily stitched it up every time it ripped, and it was in desperate need of a wash. But it comforted her, and for that I was grateful.