He waves me off. “They always say that. It’s fine. I’m their best… their best damn customer.”
“Why don’t you come hang with me instead of goin’ to a bar? You can finally come see my place.”
I turn around again, watching for his reaction. His eyes are ice. “I already gotta look at you enough.”
No matter how often I take his jabs, they still leave a bruise. Chase’s fingers tighten around the steering wheel. My eyes flutter closed as I will my heart back into my chest. “I’m just sayin’, maybe you should try not goin’ to a bar for a while.”
“Don’t you lecture me, girl. I’m the one… the parent here, not you.”
I huff out a laugh. “Coulda fooled me.”
He leans forward, his whiskey-soaked breath hot against my face. “Yeah? Well... I’m the only one you got. You can thank yourself for that.”
My already weathered and beaten soul is crippled further by his words.
“That’s enough.” Chase’s voice is sharp, his eyes glacial as he looks at Daddy in the rearview mirror.
I put my hand on Chase’s forearm to keep him calm. I don’t know how his temper is these days, but the Chase I knew had a short fuse. His muscles tense under my fingertips when I squeeze lightly. “It’s okay, Chase. Daddy didn’t mean it.”
“I don’t give a fuck. I won’t let that shit fly, Alina.” The car rolls to a red light and it gives Chase the perfect opportunity to focus on Daddy. “Do you hear me, Mr. Carson? I want to get you home, but if you disrespect your daughter again, we’re gonna have problems.”
“I ain’t sayin’ nothin’ she don’t already know.”
The shame burns my cheeks. Chase’s mouth opens but I squeeze his arm tighter. “Please… leave it.” My voice is a whisper.
Chase stares at me, his shoulders tense and his jaw twitching before he nods sharply and puts his eyes back on the road. We get Daddy home in one piece. I told Chase to wait in the car, but he wouldn’t hear about it. He helps Daddy inside, setting him up in his recliner with a glass of water and ibuprofen.
I’m relieved once we’re back in his truck. The boulder of Daddy’s problems and my shame for causing them sits heavy. I’m ready to wallow in misery alone.
Chase sits with both hands on the steering wheel, but he doesn’t turn the engine on.“Wanna go for a drive?”
I grip the handle of the passenger door. Part of me is screaming to open it and run away from him. But the bigger part of me wants to give in. So I say yes.
Before I know it, we’re back at the lake, lying beneath the stars.
31
Chase
Marissa surprised me with a weekend visit. I should be thrilled the woman I’m in a relationship with is here. As it is, I’m annoyed. It’s my first weekend at my new place, and I was planning on enjoying the solitude. But I’m not a complete asshole so I let her in with a smile on my face. What am I supposed to do, tell her to leave?
“I’m so excited to see where you grew up,” she says, making herself comfortable on my couch.
“Mmm.” I sit down next to her.
“What’s wrong? Are you upset that I came?”
“Not upset, just… I wish you would have called first.”
“I thought it would be a nice surprise. You’ve been tense whenever we’ve talked on the phone. I thought I’d be a good stress reliever.” She has a wicked smile as she reaches down and palms my lap. I’ve been half-hard all week from thoughts of Goldi, so it doesn’t take long for my body to react, my cock stiffening under her touch.
I haven’t really been stressed like Marissa thinks, just distracted with thoughts of Goldi. How she’s dealing with her father. How fucking badly I want to take away the sadness from her soul. It’s not my place. She has Becca. Jax.
Envy slithers up my spine when I think of them together. He was always half in love with her, I’m sure the feelings have only grown. But it doesn’t matter. I have Marissa. A gorgeous, successful woman who wants to give me the world. What the fuck am I doing wasting thoughts on someone who I’ve already lost? Goldi wants nothing to do with me. It’s time I accept it.
Marissa still has her hand in my lap, and I reach down, gripping her wrist. I run my hand up her arm, around the nape of her neck, tangling my fingers in her hair and bringing her mouth to mine. If she wants to be my stress relief, I’ll let her.
All my pent-up energy goes into fucking Marissa. Hard. But I feel dirty. Like I cheated on Goldi. Which is truly an extra level of some fucked-up shit. I should feel the opposite, since it was the image of honey-blonde locks and lush curves that made me come, not the woman who was underneath me.
I brush my hand through my hair as I look at Marissa who’s lazing in bed next to me, still naked. She sees me staring and rolls toward me, throwing her leg over my hip as her fingers play with the hair on my chest. “Mmm… I could get used to this.”
I absentmindedly rub her back as I ponder whether this is something I could get used to. Could I see myself with her, here? It’s not unpleasant, having her warm my bed. A nice pussy to feast on and an intelligent mind to talk with. There are worse things to come home to.
My phone vibrates on the end table, bringing me out of my thoughts. Marissa pokes her head up to look at the screen. It’s a random number she wouldn’t recognize. But I do. My heart speeds up, and I push Marissa off me as I sit up to answer.
“Goldi.”
She says she needs me and I’m out of bed in seconds, holding the phone between my ear and shoulder as I throw on my clothes.
“What are you doing?” Marissa asks, leaning on her elbows.
I hold up my finger so she knows I’ll answer her in a second. I’m sure she’s wondering who’s on the phone, but my mind is only worried about Goldi. Complete tunnel vision. I repeatedly fucked-up when she needed me before, no chance in hell I’m going to let that shit happen again. I’m so damn happy I gave her my number.
I hang up the phone after getting her address.
Hands creep around my waist as I grab my wallet and keys. Shit. How did I forget Marissa was here?
“Are you going somewhere?”
“Yeah. A friend needs some help. Car trouble.”
She gives me an incredulous look. “At ten p.m.?”
“Seems so.”
“Well, hold on a second. I’ll come with you.” She steps back, picking up her dress from the floor.
Panic chokes me. “No, no. You hang out here. I’m not sure how long this will take.”
Her dress hangs limply in her hand. “Are you sure?”
Fuck yes, I’m sure. Having the woman who wants my heart around the reason she’ll never get it? Hard pass.
Her eyes narrow. “Who’s the friend?”
“What’s that?”
“I asked who the friend was that you’re going to help. Someone from work?”
“Oh. No, it’s…” I debate how the fuck to handle this situation. Why is it even a question? I’m not doing anything wrong, and I have no reason to lie. “It’s a friend from when I used to live here. Alina.”
Her eyes spark. “Alina. That’s a pretty name.” She slinks over to me, running her hand down the front of her naked body. Confidence is not something Marissa lacks, and if it were any other time, she’d have my full attention. “Doesn’t she have someone else she can call? Another friend, a boyfriend of her own?”
I shrug, but her words invade my brain. Does she have a boyfriend? God, I’m fucking pathetic. I’m wondering about Goldi while the woman I’m in a relationship with is standing right in front of me. “I don’t know, but I’m not gonna be a dick and ignore her when she needs me.”
Marissa huffs, dropping her hands from where they were teasing her breasts. “Fine. I’ll just be here, waiting for you to get back.”
I feel like an asshole, but not enough to make me stay.
“How long will you be gone?”
“I’m not sure. However long it takes, I guess. Order some food if you get
hungry, I don’t have much here.”
“Okay.” She goes up on her toes and leaves a lingering kiss on my lips.
When I asked if Goldi wanted to go for a drive, I didn’t plan to end up at the lake, but here we are. I have so many things I want to say. But I’m silent because I know it’s not what she needs to hear.
My phone vibrates in my pocket. I ignore it. I’m sure it’s Marissa asking where I am for the tenth time, even though I’ve already told her. I feel like a shit boyfriend for not responding, but when I look at Goldi, it’s hard to care. For the first time tonight, she looks relaxed. Leaned back on her elbows as she stares at the water. I love seeing her like this.
“Do you remember that date you went on with that fucker Reed? He brought you here to the lake.”
A soft smile grows on her face. “Yep. It was a great date.”
I scoff, decades-old jealousy creeping from my memory into my bones. “You mean it was great after the date.”
She laughs. “I see time hasn’t lessened your ego.”
“I was so fucking jealous. The thought of him touching you drove me crazy. It was all I could think about. And when I found out he brought you out here…” I shake my head, chuckling. “I thought I’d go insane with how much I wanted to take his place. He was doing things with you I wanted to do. Things I wouldn’t let myself do.” My voice quiets as I get lost in memories. I was such an idiot. “Even after we were together, I never really let myself. I didn’t have the balls to be what you needed.”
She turns her head, resting against the afghan and watching me with sad eyes.
I suck my teeth. “I guess it doesn’t matter now.”
“Why do you bring me here?” she asks.
“Because life gets noisy. And when I was a kid… when I was in your room, under your makeshift sky with those tacky neon stickers, the world would get quiet. I thought maybe this could do the same for you.” I wave my arm at the Tennessee starlight.
She stares at me, and I watch the delicate slope of her neck as she swallows. “Sometimes… sometimes I look at you and I wanna punch you in the face.”
Laughter bursts from me. “Don’t sugarcoat it, damn.”
She smiles. “It’s the truth.”
Her smile fades. “But then… then there are other times, like now. Where I’m happy you’re back. And that makes me feel crazy ‘cause I should know better than to let you into my life.”
I try to tamp down the emotions her words cause. The happiness swirls around, mixing with the devastation in knowing she thinks I’m just another bad decision. “Alina, I messed up with you. I know that. I didn’t put you first. I wasn’t there for you the way you’ve always, always been there for me. I’ll live the rest of my life with that regret. I’d love to have a conversation where I tell you all the ways I know I’ve fucked-up, but I know that’s not what you need from me. Not right now.”
“I may never be ready for that, Chase.”
I drop my head, hoping she can’t hear my heart splinter. “And I respect that, but let me say one thing.”
“Chase, I—”
I reach over and put my finger on her lips. Her perfect fucking lips. My eyes are heavy with the weight of the words I’m about to say, and I know she can feel my finger trembling. “I’m sorry, Alina. I’m so fucking sorry. I know they’re just words and they don’t make up for shit. I know they’re eight years too late. But there they are.”
I watch as my words sink into her. Feel her lips under the pad of my finger as they part to take a breath. Desperation claws at me. There’s nothing more I want than for her to forgive my sins. But I won’t ask that. Forgiveness isn’t mine to demand, it’s hers to give.
She pulls away from my hand and faces the sky. I follow suit, lying against the blanket, my apology lingering in the space between us.
“Thank you,” she speaks into the silence. “For the apology… and for bringin’ me here. It helps.”
I was hoping it would. Her dad has a serious problem, and he talks to her like an asshole. Blames her for things he has no fucking business laying on her shoulders. I know what that can do to someone’s psyche.
I chew on the inside of my cheek, peeking at her from the corner of my eye. “Do you want to talk about it?”
“Not really.”
I nod. There are a million things I want to say. You’re beautiful. I still love you. Your mom’s death is not your fault. I bite my tongue. Instead, I reach out and grasp her hand, blood pumping as I wait to see if she clasps mine back.
She does.
32
Chase
It’s Sunday morning and I’m driving back to Nashville. This weekend has been eye opening, to say the least. I have an appointment with Doc and then Nar-Anon group this evening. Marissa stayed all weekend. She was pissed when I came home on Friday night, but not pissed enough to leave. Instead, she stayed busy ordering furniture for my house. I spent the whole time feeling awkward as fuck because she kept trying to get me into bed and I… couldn’t. I’ve been trying to feel a sliver of the way I do for Goldi, but for Marissa instead. It hasn’t happened. Marissa’s a good woman. She’s just not the woman for me. Now, I just have to figure out the best way to tell her.
Courage to change the things I can. I repeat the serenity prayer before parking behind her and following her into her house.
I’m surprised she’s been dropping hints about moving to Sugarlake when she has such a nice setup here. My stomach rolls when I think of how invested she must be in our relationship to feel that way.
“Do you want anything to drink?” Marissa walks to the fridge.
I lean against her kitchen island and shake my head. “No, I can’t stay long. But can we talk for a sec?”
Her hand pauses mid-air, halfway to the cabinet of glasses. “Talk about what?”
“About what we’re doing here. With this. With us.”
“With us?” She looks over her shoulder at me. “I thought we were excelling in that department, so I’m not sure what we need to talk about.”
“Do you really feel that way? You can honestly stand there and tell me you’re one-hundred percent happy with how things are?”
“Yes. We’re very compatible.” Her voice deepens.
Damn. She’s not gonna make this easy. “The past few years have been fun, you’ve been a great friend and yeah, the sex is great.”
She saunters around the island and steps into me. “Then why do I get the feeling you’re trying to ruin it?”
I pull on the ends of my hair. “You deserve better than me.”
“I don’t want better.”
“I want better for you.”
“I’m a big girl, Chase. I can decide for myself what and who I want.”
My stomach’s tight, my anxiety threatening to choke me. I don’t want another woman’s hurt on my conscience, but she’s not getting the picture. “Marissa, be serious. You’re pushing me for things I’ve told you time and time again I’m not ready to give.”
“You are giving me what I need.” She rests her hand on my chest. “I know you feel what’s between us, Chase.”
My jaw clenches to keep the harsh truth from spilling out. I don’t feel it. Maybe in another life—if Goldi didn’t exist, then the comfortable warmth Marissa provides would be enough. But it’s hard to appreciate warmth when you’ve been consumed by fire.
I grab her hand off my chest. “I care about you. But you deserve someone who’s able to give you everything. That man’s not me.”
“That man’s not you.” She repeats my words, her eyes shuttering. “Is this about that girl?”
My heart pounds. Fuck. “What girl?”
“That Leah girl you ditched me for this weekend.”
“Alina.” My response is automatic. I cringe, knowing I just made things worse.
She laughs, backing up a step. “Unbelievable. I tried to look past it when you left for hours and then didn’t want to touch me. I forgave you when you came home at on
e in the morning with a look on your face you’ve never given me.”
It’s a struggle not to show the guilt on my face. She really knows how to paint the picture of an asshole.
“Did you fuck her?”
“Excuse me?”
“Did. You. Fuck. Her?”
“No.” But I wanted to.
“I don’t believe you.” She crosses her arms over her chest.
“I may be an asshole, but I’m not a cheat... and this isn’t about her. It’s about me not being able to give you what you want.”
She explodes. “All I want is you!”
I blow out a breath. “I’m trying not to hurt you.”
“Well, you’re doing a shit job.”
“What would you have me do, Marissa? Continue to play house with you? Let you uproot your life and move in with me when I know damn well I won’t ever love you?” The words barrel out of me.
She freezes in place. Shit. I didn’t mean to say that last part out loud. Her eyes become glossy and she stiffens her shoulders. “Get out.”
I sigh. “You’ll see this is what’s best in the long run, Marissa.”
“Get. Out!” she screams. She takes off her shoe and throws it, narrowly missing me as it crashes against the door. Jesus.
I want to convince her this is what’s best for both of us, but it’s clear she doesn’t want to hear any more of my words. So I leave. I hope in time she realizes this is what needed to happen. I’m not sad over the end of our relationship. All I can feel is relief.
I head straight to my therapy appointment with Doc, pulling him in for a hug he doesn’t return. Stingy fucker. “Damn, Doc. It’s good to see you.” I pull back, smirking at him before making myself comfortable on his couch.
“Chase. How are you?”
“Good, real good.” I lean forward and rest my elbows on my knees.
“You seem to be in good spirits.”
I can’t help the smile that overtakes my face. “You’ll never guess who works at the job site I’m on.”
Beneath the Stars Page 18
