He raises a heavy brow.
“Goldi.”
“Hmm. And how is that?”
“It’s… amazing. And frustrating. And torturous.” I pause, looking up. “Are you married, Doc?”
He nods.
“Do you love your wife?”
“Very much.”
“Can you imagine being around her and knowing she hates you? What it would feel like to not be able to touch her… to kiss her?”
He’s silent.
“I know you won’t actually answer that. It’s a rhetorical question, I guess. But fuck me, Doc. I forgot what it felt like, you know? I can’t fucking breathe with how bad I want to touch her. Make her smile.” I shake my head. “But, I know it won’t happen. We’re kind of, sort of… friends now, I guess?” I think about this weird limbo I’ve been in with her. “I don’t know if you can really call it that. There are some things she’s going through and I just—I see the same haunted look in her eyes I’ve spent my life trying to hide. I want to be there for her. I ache to take all her hurt away.”
“Does she allow you to be there the way you want?”
“Sometimes.” I shrug.
He writes on his notepad.
“I broke up with Marissa.”
His pen pauses as he looks at me from over his glasses. “Oh?”
“Yeah.” I run my hand over my head. “We should never have been anything more than friends. She wanted so much from me, and I didn’t want to give it to her. I never even told her I was adopted. How could I make a life with her?”
“You never spoke of your past with Marissa?” Doc sounds surprised.
“Fuck no. Marissa isn’t the type of person I’d want to share stories with. That’s why she was great. She never pushed. It was purely physical, and that’s how I liked it.” I frown. “At least at first.”
“Hmm… let’s change course for a moment. Is being back in Sugarlake bringing up any feelings for your sister?”
Ice races through my veins and my mouth clamps shut. Lily is still hard for me to verbalize. The cuts from her abandonment run deep. It’s hard. I miss her, and I’m extremely fucking pissed at her. Maybe one day I’ll be able to talk about her, but today is not that day.
“I don’t want to talk about that.”
“Then I hope you’ll consider writing about it.”
Journal Entry #327
Being back home makes sleep harder to come by. Lily surges forward in my dreams, choking me with her memory. But I’ve accepted the reality there’s nothing I could have done to save her from herself. People are in charge of their own happiness. It’s unfair to put that responsibility on others.
But it doesn’t stop the nightmares.
Some days I wake up in a cold sweat not knowing where I am, thinking I’m back in that last foster home before we were adopted. That pudgy motherfucker who thought he could sneak into her room and nobody would notice. But I noticed. It replays in my subconscious whenever I’m asleep. Except the dreams are different than how I remember reality. They twist and get muddled until I’m not sure what was real and what wasn’t.
She was still young. We were there for a little over a year. She promised me nothing ever happened. But in my dreams, she’s crying, asking why I didn’t save her sooner.
Sometimes, on the really fucked-up nights, she’ll shift into a vision of my mom, telling me what a shit brother I am. I think I hate them both for making me love them so much. But the hatred doesn’t take away the urge to find them.
Maybe I didn’t pay close enough attention. I still have no fucking clue why Lily felt like she needed to resort to drugs and bad people to escape her reality. A reality she convinced everyone she was happy with for so many years. I don’t fucking know, man. Maybe I’ll never find the answers, and that’s hard for me to accept.
I hope that wherever she is, she’s safe.
33
Alina
It’s only Wednesday and I’m dragging. Between Logan’s, working, and rushing straight to Daddy’s to make sure he stays home for the night, I’m drained. Not just physically, but emotionally. Daddy knows just how to slice, his barbs cutting deep, and I wonder how I survived living under the same roof as him for so long.
Regina and Chase are having a meeting, so I’ve been relegated to the office couch. Regina is nothing if not a control freak, so this has been happening since Monday. Chase keeps giving me glances, probably because I can’t stop yawning. Finally, they wrap up, Regina giving me some tasks to do before she’s out the door. She never stays—just comes and goes when she’s needed. It must be nice to be an owner. One day, maybe I’ll get there, too.
Chase hangs back, leaning against the desk while I sit in the office chair. He quirks a brow.
“What?” I ask.
“You okay?”
“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?”
His shoulders lift. “You seem tired.”
My instinct is to get defensive and hide the truth—and the truth is that making sure Daddy doesn’t end up in jail is a hard job. I’m about to keel over from either exhaustion or stress. I’m not sure which one will get me first. I open my mouth to brush off his concern, but then I remember Chase already knows about Daddy. There’s no reason to hide it from him.
I rest my head on my hand and sigh. “I am tired. I’ve been headin’ straight to Daddy’s every night to make sure he doesn’t get himself in trouble. I can’t stop the drinkin’, but I can at least try to keep him home and safe. If he goes back to Johnny’s bar, they’ll throw him in jail.”
Chase crosses his arms, his lips pursing. “He putting up a fight?”
I roll my eyes. “Daddy lives and breathes to fight with me. So yeah, it’s not easy. But I can’t just do nothin’.”
A pinch in my neck has me reaching back to rub out the kink. “I don’t think I ever realized how uncomfortable the guest bed was, though.”
His brows raise. “You’ve been sleeping there?”
“Sleepin’ is a stretch. I lay in the guest room and spend all night worryin’ he’s gonna get alcohol poisonin’ or wake up and try to leave.” I laugh and stare up at the ceiling. “When did I become the parent?”
“Why don’t you just stay in your room?”
“Daddy moved all his stuff in there and turned my room into a ‘man cave’ as soon as I moved out.” I wave off my statement like it doesn’t bother me. “Anyway, I can’t wait ‘til Eli gets in town. They’re gonna stay with Daddy at the house. I just have to keep it together ‘til then.” I attempt a smile but it feels more like a grimace.
“Hmm.” He hums, that dang stare of his penetrating through to my bones. I’m not hiding anything, but it unnerves me either way.
I don’t mention that my extracurricular activities are also tiring me out. I’ve been going to the rec center and having quickies with Logan on my lunch break. Normally I wouldn’t be so desperate for an orgasm, but Chase being back has me all twisted up and I need some relief. Frequently.
My phone dings with a text and it’s the perfect excuse to break this weird stare off with Chase. I look down and like I thought him into existence—there’s a text from Logan.
Logan: Any surprise visits from you today? I’ll be at the rec until 3.
I grin, unlocking the screen to respond.
Me: I can stop by on my lunch break at 12:30?? It will have to be quick.
Logan: Must be my lucky day. I don’t have a client until 1:30. Feel like sneaking into the men’s locker room?
I bite my lip. I can’t deny the thrill that spikes through me. I never thought I’d be into public places, but I’ve found out this past week it turns me on somethin’ fierce. I hear a throat clear and I look up. Chase is standing in front of the desk, staring at me. His body is tense like he knows what I was texting about. That’s impossible.
I give him a sheepish smile, my cheeks heating. “Sorry, just makin’ lunch plans. What were we talkin’ about?”
I haven’t really forgotten, but I’m hoping he d
rops the subject. I’m tired enough from having to live my life, I don’t really want to keep talking about it, too.
“Nothing important. I gotta get back to work.” He taps his knuckles on the top of the desk. “Try to get some rest, yeah?” He grins, but it doesn’t reach his eyes.
I don’t see him again, and I don’t look for him as I leave to head to the rec.
The quickie with Logan is just what I need to take the edge off. Easy. No strings, no hurt. Just what the doctor ordered.
The high from our tryst lasts through the rest of my workday. It isn’t until I’m walking through the grocery store, it starts to wear off. I dread having to stay up all night worrying about Daddy sneaking out. I cannot wait for Eli to get to town. I’m not sure how much longer I can keep this up. Daddy needs help and I’m not fit to be giving it to him. I’m trying to get my life together, but for some reason, I keep slamming myself against the walls of his animosity.
I decide on burgers for dinner, hoping he isn’t already three sheets to the wind. Maybe I can convince him to man the grill—remind him there’s something he’s capable of doing other than drinking himself into oblivion.
By the time I pull into the driveway, I’m completely drained and wishing for my bed. I pinch my cheeks as I stare in the rearview mirror, trying to get some color back in my face. This is as good as it’s gonna get. There’s nothing I can do to hide the dark circles that line my eyes, or the exhaustion seeping from my pores.
I load the groceries into my arms before heading to the front door. I realize I’ll have to ring the bell since I don’t have a free hand to turn the handle, and I send up a prayer that Daddy is still coherent enough to answer. Let it be a good night. Let it be a good night. I shift on my feet, trying to ignore the weight of the bags. When the door opens, my mind goes blank.
It isn’t Daddy who answers, it’s Chase.
He grins. “Hi.”
“Hi. What are you doin’ here?”
He opens the screen door and takes the groceries from my arms. I’m too stunned by his presence to argue. He turns around, loaded up with my groceries, and walks down the hallway. I follow him, mouth gaping. Is he just gonna ignore my question?
“Chase, what are you doin’ here?” I repeat once we make it to the kitchen. He sets the bags down on the counter and spins to face me.
“Thought I’d drop by, keep your dad company.” He says it so casually, like the words coming out of his mouth are completely normal.
I twist around, searching for Daddy. “Where is he?”
“We’re hanging out on the back patio.”
“You’re just… hangin’ out?”
“Yep.”
Daddy walks in through the back door and I turn my attention to him. “Hi, Daddy.”
He makes eye contact and I don’t miss the fact that his eyes aren’t glassy yet.
“What’s for dinner?” he asks. I get no greeting, but that doesn’t surprise me. I ignore the sting the gruffness of his voice causes. I miss the sweet timbre he used to get whenever he saw me.
“I thought we could make burgers. You up for some grillin’?” I smile wide, hoping he’s in an amicable mood.
He’s already shaking his head, but before he can say anything Chase cuts in.
“Hell yeah. I hope there’s enough for me, too.” He smirks. “Think you can teach me a thing or two, old man?”
To my shock, I see a grin pull at Daddy’s lips. What in the world?
“There’s an art to grillin’, boy. Not sure you’re cut out for it.” He looks him up and down.
“Lucky I know you, then.” Chase glances at me and winks. “Unless you’re not up for the challenge.”
My eyes spring back and forth between them. Daddy mutters something about checking the propane and disappears out the back again. I’m standing in the middle of the kitchen, gobsmacked. What the heck is going on?
“I hope it’s okay I’m here.” Chase moves toward me, angling his head down to look in my eyes.
“Uhh… yeah. Yes, it’s—it’s fine. What—how…”
His eyes twinkle with amusement as I stumble over my words.
“I was at Sam and Anna’s, figured I’d walk over. Keep your dad company, give you a break.”
My heart trills. “You’re here for me?”
He puts his hands in his jean pockets, briefly lifting his shoulders. “You need rest.” He says it like it’s no big deal—like he’d do this for anybody. Maybe he would. I’m realizing I truly don’t know this Chase, at all.
“That’s…” Gratefulness surges out of nowhere and I have to choke it back down. “Thank you,” I manage to whisper.
Chase stays. He mans the grill next to Daddy, who I hear laugh. Honest to God, he’s laughing. My heart soars at the sound.
Daddy drinks himself into a stupor and starts slurring during dinner. But at least for tonight, he stayed home. He had a good night. He didn’t act like he hates the sight of me. I stare at Chase across the table, my body tingling as I look at him. The gratitude vibrates through my bones. He didn’t have to spend his time like this. But he’s here. For me—and maybe a little bit for Daddy, too.
I’m the first to stand from the table, picking up the dirty plates and taking them to the sink. Daddy stumbles out to sit in his recliner and watch TV. I can feel as Chase moves behind me, the static buzzing from how close our hands are. He reaches out, uncurling my fingers slowly as he places the car keys in my palm.
My eyebrows furrow. “What are you doin’?”
“Go home, Alina. Get some sleep. I’ll clean up. I’m gonna stay here and make sure your dad stays put. Try out that guest bed,” he teases.
“What?” I gasp. “No, no, you don’t need to do that. You’ve done more than enough.” A strand of my hair falls forward, tickling my cheek. He brushes it behind my ear, his fingers lingering. Butterflies erupt in my stomach as his palm cups my jaw. My mouth parts, the inhale sharp against my teeth.
“Let someone take care of you for once, Goldi.” His eyes glaze over as his thumb swipes across my mouth. I bite my tongue to keep it from slipping out. I want to taste his touch on my lips. I clench the keys in my hand so tight I’m afraid I’ll break skin. I need to keep my grip on reality.
I step back. His hand stays in the air for just a moment before he comes back to himself and drops it down. He gestures toward the front door. “Go home. I’ve got it under control.”
I shouldn’t accept his offer. I’ve trusted him before and look where it got me. The beat of my stitched-up heart remembers how he shattered it. But I’m so tired. So I swallow down all my doubts and nod my head. “Okay. But call me if anything, anything goes wrong. And if you decide you wanna go home you can call too, just let me know and I can drive back over here. It doesn’t matter if it’s—”
“Alina.” He chuckles. “It’s fine.”
“Right.” I blow out a breath and start backing up toward the hallway, my eyes never leaving Chase’s. “Thank you.”
He smiles and those dang dimples make me smile back. I’m a sucker for them every time.
When I get home, I’m out as soon as my head hits the pillow. I sleep soundly for the first time in years, and I wake up refreshed. I don’t talk to Chase at work, but I feel his eyes on me. It shouldn’t excite me the way it does.
When I get to Daddy’s house that night, Chase is there again. Cooking dinner and then pushing me out the door.
On Friday, while I watch Chase slip Daddy a Dr. Pepper instead of a whiskey, I let myself imagine what it would be like if he were mine.
I don’t hate it as much as I should.
34
Alina
“Want to catch a movie tonight?” Jax asks.
I look over at Becca, sipping on her second mimosa and shoveling pancakes in her mouth. She shakes her head. “Can’t. Have a date.”
“You? Have a date?” I point at her, narrowing my eyes. Becca loves men, but she isn’t the dating type. Growing up, she was a firm be
liever that commitment of any kind was a waste of time. Now that she’s an adult and still living under her daddy’s—aka the church’s—thumb, that lack of commitment has only grown. I don’t know that I’ve ever seen her go on an actual date in my life.
“Yep.” She looks up, realizing we’re both staring at her. “What?” she mumbles around a mouthful of pancake.
Jax laughs. “You can’t just say something like that and not expect us to need more information. Who’s the date with?”
She swallows, looking down at her plate. “You don’t know him, he’s from Chattanooga.”
I squint my eyes. “What’s his name? How’d you meet him? Come on girl, you know you can’t just leave us hangin’ after droppin’ that bomb.”
She runs her fingers through her curly hair. “His name’s John and I met him online.”
Jax is still chuckling, but his face drops when he sees the glare Becca is sending his way. “Tell me you’re joking.”
“Nope. Not jokin’. I like him, he’s nice.”
“He’s nice?” I exclaim, sharing another look with Jax. “Who are you and what have you done with my best friend?”
“I’m still here.” She throws her arms up. “I just—don’t you think it’s time I start takin’ life more seriously? Try to settle down? We’re gettin’ old as shit, y’all.”
My face scrunches. “Are you feeling okay? What happened to the ‘I don’t do commitment’ Becca?”
“She grew up, I guess.” She grabs her mimosa, downing it before looking around for the server.
“Okaaaay…” Jax says. “So that’s a no from Becca who’s busy getting busy with a man named John.” He swings his eyes toward me. “That leaves you and me, sweetheart. Wanna get crazy tonight?” He grins, leaning his elbows on the table. “Maybe dinner and a movie?”
I smile, but my stomach flops while I try to think of an excuse for why I’m saying no. One that doesn’t involve babysitting my drunk daddy and letting Chase cook me meals. “I can’t. I’m havin’ dinner with Daddy and helpin’ him prepare the guest room for Eli.”
Beneath the Stars Page 19
