Jax sticks out his bottom lip. “Fine, ladies. Leave me all by myself. A lone cowboy riding into the night.”
Becca snorts. “I’m sure you won’t have any trouble findin’ a replacement for the night. One that will be all too willin’ to give you a ride.”
Jax grips his heart. “That hurts, truly, Becs. I’m more than my gigantic cock.”
“Oh? You a catcher, too?” She raises an eyebrow.
“I don’t speak of private activities.” Jax smiles, winking. “You’ve never been curious?”
“Uhm… no.”
“Never wanted a one-way ticket on the Jackson express?” He wiggles his brows.
Becca gags. “Darlin’, I’d break the train down.”
I giggle into my sweet tea and take another sip.
“Anyway,” Jax shifts his attention to me. “When’s Eli getting here, sweetheart?”
“A little less than a week. That reminds me, Becca, you think your daddy can sit down with them and talk about havin’ their weddin’ at the church?”
Becca’s eyes grow wide. “He wants my old man to marry them?”
“Why not? Eli asked me about it the other day. I’m just the messenger.”
“What’dya want me to do about it?”
My forehead scrunches. What’s the big deal? “Haven’t you been helpin’ around the church since summer break started? I mentioned it and he said to ask.”
Her eyes light on fire, her cheeks going as red as her hair. “So, Eli knows I’d be helpin’ and he still had you ask?” She slams her body against the back of the chair.
“Okay, that’s it, psycho. What happened between you and Eli? You never used to have a problem with him, but anytime I bring him up, you get weird.”
She rolls her eyes, tangling her hair in her fingers. “I don’t get weird. I just think your brother’s a jerk. I never thought he’d come back here, let alone bring a little hussy of a girl wantin’ to parade their love through the town.”
“That’s a little harsh,” I chide. “We don’t even know her.”
She throws her hands up. “Ugh. You know what? I have to go. I need to get ready for my date.”
“With John. The ‘Becca tamer,’” Jax pipes in.
He is so not helping.
Becca sends him a glare and throws her napkin down on the table. “Just for that, you can pay for brunch. I’ll see y’all later.”
We both watch with big eyes as she leaves the restaurant.
“What the hell was that about?” Jax asks.
“Beats me. She’s been weird, lately. I think maybe her and Eli got into it or somethin’ when they were both in Florida.”
“She’s never said anything?”
I shrug. “Nope. The only thing I know about Florida is she was plannin’ on livin’ there indefinitely, and ended up comin’ home. Other than that, she doesn’t talk about it.”
“Hmm. Who knows.” He takes a bite of his food. “You sure you can’t come tonight? You’re really gonna leave me all alone?”
“You’re a big boy, Jax. I’m sure you’ll find somethin’ to do.”
“I suppose I’ll have to,” he pouts.
I try to pay attention to Jax for the rest of brunch, but my mind is busy replaying Becca’s actions. She’s always been as stubborn as the day is long, so when she doesn’t want to talk about something there’s no changing her mind. But I wish she’d tell me about Florida. I thought she only saw Eli a handful of times, but her reaction makes it seem like more. I make a mental note to ask Eli next time I talk to him.
Enchiladas are on the menu for Saturday night dinner, courtesy of Chase. I haven’t cooked a single thing all week, and I’ve gotten a solid eight hours of sleep each night, so I’m feeling better than I have in a while. Still, this weird family dynamic with Chase and Daddy should have alarm bells sounding in my head. Maybe this fuzzy feeling of comfort is making my ears numb to the ringing.
I’ve just taken my first bite of enchilada when the doorbell rings. I look over at Daddy, furrowing my eyebrows. “You expectin’ someone, Daddy?”
“Who would I be expectin’, Alina?” he barks.
The bell rings again. Chase stands before I can, putting his hand on my shoulder to keep me in place. I sit back down, keeping my ears strained so I can hear who it is.
“What the fuck are you doing here?”
Shoot. I know that voice. My fork drops to the plate and I close my eyes. I should have known this would happen. Before I can think about going to defuse the situation, footsteps come stomping through the hallway and a raging Jax enters the kitchen.
“Can I speak to you for a moment?” he hisses through clenched teeth.
“Sure.” I scoot my chair back, laying my napkin on the table. Chase is standing behind Jax, his fists clenched and hazel eyes stormy as they bounce between the two of us.
Jax knocks into his shoulder as he walks by. I cringe, expecting Chase to react, but he doesn’t. He stands stoic, only the twitching of his jaw letting me know he’s holding himself back. I follow Jax to the front porch where he spins around and faces me with a glare.
“This is why you couldn’t hang out with me tonight?”
“I told you I was gonna be here with Daddy.” My voice is weak. I’ve never seen Jax upset like this.
“And you didn’t think to mention you were playing house with Chase?”
“I’m not playin’ house with him. He’s just been showin’ up. Helpin’ out. It’s not like I invited him over.”
“But you didn’t tell him to leave.”
I look down, the guilt chiseling away at my insides. “No.”
He lets out a disbelieving laugh, his hands on the top of his head. “I can’t believe this, Lee. I mean, what the fuck?”
Guilt morphs into indignation at his tone. I get that he’s upset about Chase, but it isn’t his decision. It isn’t his life. “Listen, you don’t get to be mad at me, Jax. I didn’t tell you because it’s none of your business.”
He rears back. “None of my business? Was it my business when you used my shoulder to cry on every time we’d go visit him?”
“Jax—”
“No.” He cuts his hand through the air. “Let me ask you something, Lee. When he fucked around on you the same night your mom died... who was it that held you? Because it sure as shit wasn’t him. Was it my business, then?”
Tears well in my eyes, the words dying on my tongue. “Jax…” I whisper.
His cheeks are rosy with his anger and he steps in close to me, lowering his voice. “Is it really that easy?”
“Is what that easy?”
“To forgive him? To take him back like nothing happened?”
“I’m not with him, Jax. It’s not like that, I swear. We’ve just been friends and—”
“I’ve waited years for you to give me a chance, Alina. Hoping that he’d loosen his grip on your heart enough to just let you fucking see me.” He beats his chest. “He treated you like shit, and somehow you still choose him over me. Every time. Less than a month he’s been back, and you just open your arms to him.” He raises his face to the sky. “You’ve never even given me your hand.”
I feel like I might throw up. I swallow around the knot in my throat, searching for words to make this okay. To stop from breaking his heart. “Jax, I… you know I love you.”
He blows out a breath, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Just not as much as you love him, right?”
My clammy hands wring together. “Don’t do that. It’s different.”
His fingers tease the chain around his neck as he hangs his head, shaking it slightly. “I’m gonna go.”
He stomps by me and I reach out, grabbing the back of his shirt, trying to anchor him to me. “You’re my best friend.”
“I don’t want to just be your friend.”
I close my eyes, the truth of his words stabbing me. I’ve known it, and I should have put a stop to his feelings long before now. “Do you hate me?” I hiccup.
/>
He spins, reaching up and wiping under my eyes. “I could never hate you, sweetheart. That’s the problem.” With a sigh, he kisses my forehead and walks down the steps of the front porch. I watch helplessly as he peels out of the driveway. It’s not until he’s gone that I collapse on the ground, covering my mouth to keep the sobs at bay.
This hurts.
I’m not sure how much time passes with me sitting outside, staring at the empty spot where Jax was. But I’m snapped out of my stupor when I hear the screen door open.
Chase sits next to me, his knees to his chest and his eyes straight ahead. “Do you want me to go?”
I shake my head.
“Are you okay?”
I shake my head again. Tears I thought I already cried track down my face. Chase wraps his thick arm around me, pulling me into his side. I lean into him, knowing I shouldn’t accept his embrace, but basking in the solace, nonetheless.
Eventually, we go back inside and finish dinner. Daddy’s already incoherent, and as I watch him, I can’t help but feel relieved Jax didn’t stick around. Things would have been much worse if he realized I kept Daddy’s issues from him. The fissure in my stomach gapes wider and threatens to swallow me whole.
I don’t feel happiness when I leave tonight.
I don’t sleep soundly in my own bed.
Instead, I lay in my tears and try to keep from drowning in my failures.
Like every other Sunday, I visit Mama’s grave. There’s nothing I wish more than to have her hold me and tell me everything will be alright. I’ll settle for spewing my broken heart all over her memory to help ease the ache.
By the time I get to Daddy’s for the night, I’m feeling a bit more put together. Chase isn’t coming for dinner, he has some business over in Nashville on Sundays. It’s a good thing he isn’t here. After the blowout with Jax, I need some breathing room. I’m getting lost in my feelings and forgetting how hard it was to find my way back last time.
But I guess my self-control is weak because I only make it through dinner before I give in to the urge to text him.
Me: I think Daddy misses you.
I press send and lay my head on the table, groaning. Why did I do that? My phone vibrates and my arm shoots out, scrambling to pick it up.
Chase: Just him?
My stomach flutters.
Me: Yep, just him. He’s pouting in his recliner as we speak. He’s gotten used to having you here and it doesn’t feel the same when you’re not.
I see the three dots appear and disappear over and over. Stupid, Lee. You’re stupid.
Chase: I miss you, too.
The butterflies jump into my throat. I wish he was here and that’s a dangerous thing for me to want. My mind goes back to the woman’s voice I heard at his place. Is he in a relationship? Is that why he went back?
Me: What’s in Nashville? Visiting friends?
I chew on my lip and spend the next ten minutes burning a hole through my phone with my eyes. He doesn’t respond and I start to curse my nosiness. Is he with her right now? Jealousy bubbles through my veins at the thought of some other woman getting all of his attention. Feeling his touch.
Me: Sorry, forget I asked. Not my business. Hope you have a good weekend.
I force myself to put my phone away. It’s not until that night when I’m lying in the guest room, trying to find Chase’s scent on the pillows, that I pull it back out to check.
Chase: You can ask me whatever you want. Have an early morning meeting with my therapist and then a group thing tomorrow night. Lots of that bullshit talking stuff you don’t like.
Relief floods my veins. A therapist. Does he talk about me? I shake my head at the thought. Why would he? We’re ancient history, and he definitely had a woman in his place last week. Heck, he moved on before we were even apart.
The thought’s a dagger to the heart.
Asshole.
Just like that, the anger I’ve been missing rears its head. The more I focus on our past, the more I realize how naive I’ve been. Jax is right. I’ve been so stupid, letting him play me like he hasn’t already broken all my strings.
I exit out of our text message and pull up Jax’s instead.
Me: Can we talk?
I wait all night, but there’s no reply.
35
Chase
This past weekend was a bit surreal. I’ve fallen into a new normal with Goldi and her dad. I went over there the first time because I could see the strain on Goldi’s face. Could sense it in the slump of her shoulders and the circles under her eyes. I just wanted to give her the night off, let her get some rest. I keep going because I can’t fucking help myself. I look forward to our conversations—even the ones with Mr. Carson. When he’s not sloshed beyond recognition, there are still hints of the real man underneath. Goldi’s still everything to me, and even though being around her is a bittersweet torture, I can’t help myself. I’m thrilled she’s been letting me help lighten her load.
When I answered the door on Friday and Jax was on the other side, it was a rainbow of emotion. I’ve missed my best friend, but my anger and jealousy knowing he has Goldi burns the sadness away. I don’t know what was said between them when they went out front, but inside, it was easy to hear the raised voices, muffled through the walls. Did she not tell him about me? The thought makes me feel dirty. Like a damn secret. For the first time, I think I may understand what Goldi felt like all those years ago when I kept our relationship hidden in the dark.
Needless to say, I’m more than fucking ready to see Doc. I have a thousand things to unload and even more for him to read from my journal. Hopefully, he can give me some guidance. Especially on the Marissa front. I’ve been getting messages from her since last Thursday. They started out innocent, asking how I was doing, wondering whether or not we could still be friends. I responded because I didn’t want to hurt her more than I already have. I figured if we could be friends, maybe it would lessen the sting of the breakup. I quickly realized my mistake when the messages started to escalate. I was in my hotel room getting ready to see Doc the first time she sent a picture of her pussy. What the fuck am I supposed to do with that? I erased the image and didn’t reply. More came in through the day, like clockwork—every hour on the hour—until I finally told her to knock it the fuck off.
I’ve been eager all weekend to get back to Sugarlake. Back to Goldi. Now that it’s Monday, I’m tempted to go straight to the studio where the guys are already working, but I need to stop at the office and do a few things first.
I’m rushing around, fumbling through the papers on my desk when Sam walks in. He makes himself comfortable on my office couch, crossing his ankle on his knee.
I give a wave. “Hey.”
“Hey, son. Just checking in. How are things going with Tiny Dancers?”
“Great. We’re ahead of schedule.”
“I saw that. I knew you’d knock it out of the park. The owner giving you any flack?”
“Naw, I don’t really see her too often.” I narrow my eyes at him. Does he know about Goldi working there? “You’ll never guess who the office manager is.”
“Who?”
“Alina.”
He sits forward, uncrossing his legs. “Craig’s daughter, Alina?”
I can feel the happiness on my face as I think about her. Damn, I can’t wait to see her.
Sam watches me, his jaw pinching more with every moment. “Be careful, Chase.”
“What do you mean ‘be careful?’”
“I mean… last time things went south with Alina, you disappeared for eight years. We just got you back. It would break Anna’s heart if you were to leave again.”
My smile drops along with my stomach. I thought it was beyond obvious the downfall of our relationship was on me. The fact he’s insinuating otherwise is fucking crazy. “Are you blaming Alina?”
He watches me carefully. “I blame the circumstances. Anna still has a hard time accepting that Alina ran you out of town
.”
“She didn’t run me out of town. With all due respect, Sam, you and Anna have no clue what you’re talking about.”
“Because you’ve never told us,” he points out. “Forgive me for being wary, we were left to make our own assumptions. The heartbreak was written all over your face, Chase.”
I’m sure it was. I remember what it felt like—can’t imagine how it came across to others.
Sam’s eyes soften. “I’ve always loved Alina, you know that. I’m just saying maybe the two of you are better apart than together. Don’t put everything you’ve worked for in jeopardy because of some feelings from back when you were a kid.”
My mind is in a whirlwind. I’m shocked this is even a conversation.
“A lot of things happened, and I know I never opened up to you or Anna. But I’ll say this, and I’ll say it to Anna too… and please, listen close because I really don’t want to have the conversation again. Alina was not the problem. She was damn near perfect. It was all me. I was the fuck-up. So if you’re gonna place blame somewhere, make sure it’s in the right direction.”
Sam rubs the back of his neck as he nods.
“Speaking of Alina, how come you didn’t tell me about Mr. Carson?”
Sam’s face pinches. “What do you mean?”
I need to be cautious in my approach here. I probably shouldn’t have said anything because I have a feeling he doesn’t know, but I can’t help but want to pry a bit.
My chin raises and I squint my eyes. “What do you think I mean?”
“I have no damn clue,” Sam laughs. “The truth is, after you left it was hard for us to stay close with Craig. He was grieving, and being around Alina was hard for us. Especially for Anna. Can’t really look at the girl and not feel the loss of both you and Lily.”
My heart weighs heavy with his words, stomach sinking at the realization of how much my actions affected the way they are with Mr. Carson. With Goldi. “But you still saw Mr. Carson here at work, didn’t you?”
Sam’s head shakes and he purses his lips. “He took personal time after Gail’s funeral and never came back. I’ve thought a million times about reaching out over the years, but I never know what to say. Other than a wave here and there when I see him in the neighborhood, we haven’t really talked.”
Beneath the Stars Page 20
