Beneath the Stars

by Emily McIntire

  Showered and dressed for the day, I walk to the kitchen in search of some caffeine and some kisses from my man. Chase is leaning on the counter, scrolling his phone while he sips coffee. He looks up and smiles. My heart skips. Those dang dimples.

  “How you feeling today, Goldi?” he asks. Joy, pure and bright, fills me at his question. It’s been a long time since I’ve heard it.

  “Hi.” I grin, planting a soft kiss on his lips. “I feel great.”

  His big hand grabs me from behind and squeezes, pulling me further into him. “Fuck, I love having you here in the morning. Did you sleep okay?”

  I nod, swiping his coffee and taking a drink. I hum as it hits my tongue. There’s just something about that first sip in the morning that can’t be beaten. Having Chase next to me while I savor the taste is the cherry on top. I could get used to this.

  His eyes darken as he watches me. “You better stop that.”

  “Stop what?” I murmur, taking another gulp.

  “Everything you’re doing. You’re making me want to bend you over this counter, and we don’t have time for that.”

  My body heats as I imagine the feeling of him behind me, pushing my hips into the granite with his thrusts. I shift and bite my lip, arousal zinging between my legs.

  He interrupts my daydream. “I’m gonna be at the main office all day. I’ll talk to Sam about getting together for dinner tonight. Will that work for you?”

  I rub my thumb over his lips. “Yep, works for me.”

  His teeth snap at my fingers and I squeal, jerking my hand away. He chortles, standing up to grab his keys from the counter.

  “I’ve gotta get going.” His hands frame my face, his tongue parting my lips and dipping in my mouth for a quick taste. My eyes flutter closed, and the threads of our connection dance—content that we’re finally together.

  “Stay as long as you like, make yourself at home,” he whispers against my mouth.

  My fingers circle his wrists. “Maybe I’ll just come straight here after work… if that’s okay?”

  “Baby, you could move in tomorrow and I’d be okay with it.” He brushes my cheeks with his thumbs, leaving me with one last kiss.

  That night, we pull into Sam and Anna’s driveway, but I’m stuck looking at the house three doors down. I haven’t talked to Eli or Daddy since our fight. Eli texted and tried to call, but I need to calm down before I answer. Otherwise, who knows what will come out of my mouth. I may say things I regret. Or I might ask what the heck he was thinking letting Daddy go to a bar. Or how come my best friend’s acting a fool over him getting hitched.

  “Hey, you okay?” A squeeze on my thigh makes me realize I’ve been staring in a daze.

  I muster up a smile. “Yeah, I’m fine. Just worryin’ is all.”

  “Do you want to stop by there after dinner?” He tilts his head toward where I’ve been looking.

  Do I? Yes. No. Maybe. Nothing good can come of it, but I can’t help that I miss Daddy. Even if I know he isn’t missing me.

  “Maybe. Let’s just deal with one thing at a time.”

  As we walk the pathway to his front door, my nerves grow tenfold, jumping around at the thought of seeing Sam and Anna. Chase walks right in, pulling me with him. Being here after so long is a bit surreal. There are so many memories tied up in this place, and I spent years trying to forget them.

  The smell of good home cooking makes me pine for my mama. I missed my weekly visit on Sunday and feel guilty for not making it a priority once I came home. Tomorrow, I’m makin’ time.

  “Anybody home?” Chase hollers.

  Anna swings around the corner, her long blonde hair twirling as she rushes into Chase’s arms.

  “Hi, honey.” She palms his cheeks. The hole in my heart where Mama’s love used to be aches.

  “Hey, Anna.” Chase beams. “Smells good in here, thanks for having us.”

  She smacks his shoulder, shushing him. “This is your home, you’re always welcome.” She glances at me, her blue eyes cooling. “Alina. How are you?”

  She’s polite—her southern roots strong, but that’s the extent of her hospitality. Chase looks between us, reaching out and pulling me into his side. I don’t miss the way Anna’s eyes swing to where he holds me. Her lips purse.

  I’m antsy, her judgment making my palms sweat. “Anna, thanks so much for havin’ me. It smells delicious.”

  “Mmm. My pleasure.” Her smile looks painful.

  She turns back toward Chase, leaving me forgotten in the hallway, as she links their arms and walks to the kitchen. I follow behind, my stomach sinking at her disregard. What did I do to make her hate me so much?

  “Is there anything I can help with?” I ask, looking around.

  Anna doesn’t spare me a glance. “I’ve got everything handled, thank you kindly. Make yourself at home.”

  Chase starts to walk toward me, but Anna grips his arm, stealing his attention back as she tells him about the new yoga group she’s in. He gazes at me over her shoulder and I wave him off.

  What the heck do I do now? I peer out of the sliding back door and see Sam lounging in a chair, beer bottle to his lips. I head toward him.

  Stepping outside allows me to breathe easy for the first time since we’ve shown up. The twilight sky bathes the ground in orangey-pink hues, showcasing the beauty that’s lacking every other time of day. I plop in the lounge chair next to Sam.

  “Beautiful evening, isn’t it?” He smiles.

  “One of the best Tennessee sunsets I’ve seen,” I agree.

  “That’s high praise coming from a native.”

  “I call it like I see it, Mr. Adams.”

  He angles his head, his gray speckled, sandy-brown hair flopping as he looks at me from amber eyes. “When have you ever called me anything other than Sam, Alina? Don’t you start being formal now, just because it’s been a few years.”

  “Okay, Sam.” My lips curl, relieved the animosity from inside hasn’t followed me.

  “So, how ya been? It’s been a while.”

  “I’m great, thanks for askin.’” It’s an automatic response, and even though it isn’t one-hundred percent true, it’s the only answer he’ll get.

  He bobs his head, staring at the horizon. “And your dad?”

  I hesitate. My knee-jerk reaction is to say he’s fine, great. Better than ever. But I can’t find it in myself to lie for him. Not anymore.

  “He’s… strugglin’.”

  Sam frowns. I glance at my hands, the urge to vomit out the truth overwhelming me, but the back door opens before I have the chance.

  “Dinner’s ready, y’all!” Anna sings.

  Sam looks like he wants me to keep talking, but I give him a small smile, shaking my head like it isn’t a big deal.

  Daddy’s secret is safe for another day.

  45

  Chase

  I watch as Goldi steps onto the back deck and sits next to Sam. I want to follow her, but I’d like a minute alone with Anna. There are a couple of things I need to get across before dinner. I didn’t miss the animosity she was spewing toward Goldi, and even though Sam warned me, seeing it with my own eyes is disappointing. It never occurred to me they would blame Goldi for things going sour, and while I can’t go back in time and fix the wrongs of my past, I sure as hell can make sure they don’t continue in the future.

  I watch Anna chop tomatoes and drone on about yoga. I’m trying to stay focused on what she’s saying, but I’m too irritated to pay attention. Before this moment, I’ve never felt anything but love and admiration—for that to be tainted so quickly is jarring.

  “Anna,” I interrupt her rambling.

  She turns from her chopping board, stopping mid-sentence.

  “What was that?” I keep my voice low, not wanting anything to carry out back. The last thing I want is for Goldi to hear this conversation.

  “I don’t know what you mean.” Anna glances toward the deck, letting me know she does, in fact, know what I’m
talking about. She resumes chopping her tomatoes.

  “I mean with Goldi, but I think you knew that.”

  She scoffs. “I’m treatin’ her the same way I always have.”

  She’s avoiding eye contact even though I’m sure she can feel the weight of my gaze. That’s okay, she doesn’t need to say anything. She just needs to listen.

  “Can I ask you something, Anna? Do you love Sam?”

  “You know I do.” Her eyes soften.

  “Can you imagine what it would be like if you had to live your life without him? How it would feel knowing the love of your life was out there, wanting absolutely nothing to do with you because of things that you did?”

  The knife in Anna’s hand pauses.

  “And then imagine that by some miracle, you get a second chance. That finally, you get to experience being loved by the other half of your soul.”

  “Chase, I don’t know—”

  I cut her off. “I know I’ve never opened up to you. That’s on me, and I’m sorry for any pain that’s caused you.”

  Her eyes gloss over and she curls her lips in, her hand rising to her chest.

  “But listen to me when I tell you this, Anna, because I’m only gonna say it once. Goldi is it for me. She always was and she always will be. Anything that happened in the past, everything that happened in the past is on me. She’s not going anywhere. I lost her once, I won’t lose her again. If you can’t come to terms with that,” I blow out a breath. “If you force me into making a choice… I won’t bring her somewhere she feels unwelcome.”

  Anna wipes under her eyes. “She was Lily’s best friend, Chase. Do you really believe she had nothin’ to do with what Lily got into?”

  My chin rises along with my eyebrows. “Is that what you think?”

  “I find it hard to believe anything else.”

  “Lily hid the truth from every single one of us, Anna. Hell—she lived with us and we didn’t know. Or maybe we did and chose to be blind to what was right in front of our faces.” I shake my head. “Either way, projecting that on to Goldi isn’t okay.” I step closer, leaning my head down to catch her eyes with mine. “She isn’t to blame. Not for Lily. Not for me.”

  Anna scowls. “She made you up and leave us. You couldn’t even hear the word Sugarlake without your bleedin’ heart spillin’ through your eyes. You can say whatever you want, but… I struggled for years to have children, and then I finally got two. If it weren’t for her” —she points the knife toward the back deck— “maybe I’d still have you both.”

  I keep my face stoic, but inside, my heart is being wrung out to dry from her words. This is a lot deeper than a simple misunderstanding. Anna and Sam had years of fertility issues. If she’s blaming Goldi for the loss of her children, after years of struggling—that’s going to be more than a ten-minute conversation before dinner.

  “That’s not fair,” I argue.

  She shrugs, her eyes sad even through her smile. “It may not be, but it’s how I feel.”

  My jaw clenches. “Be upset at Lily. Be angry at me. Be pissed off at the hand life dealt you… but please don’t think I’ll sit back and let you take it out on Goldi. I won’t bring her here to be disrespected.”

  “I know.” She nods. “You love her more than you love us.”

  My stomach sinks at her words. I fucking hate this. “I love you. You have been the best mom a guy could ask for.”

  She gasps. It’s the first time I’ve said the words. The first time I’ve called her mom. I pull her in for a hug and she collapses against my chest. I hold her close, years of my mistakes and her longing culminating as tear stains on my shirt. After a few moments, she sniffles and pulls back.

  I hold her by her shoulders. “I’m in love with her. Try to understand, Anna, please. My world was black for so long, you know?”

  “And she’s the light?” Anna asks softly.

  “She’s every star in the sky.”

  Anna nods, wiping her tears and heading to the back patio to let Sam and Goldi know it’s time for dinner. I set the table, my stomach rumbling from the smell of Anna’s cooking. It’s one of the things I’ve missed most over the years. There’s a lot of takeout in my life when she isn’t there to feed me.

  For the first half of dinner, we talk about Sam’s retirement party. It’s this Saturday, so Anna is trying to get all the last-minute details sorted. She’s excited, almost bouncing out of her seat when she talks. Sam, on the other hand, isn’t. I know for a fact he would rather not be retiring at all, but he’s doing it to appease Anna. Happy wife, happy life. Goldi and I haven’t even talked about the party, but she doesn’t seem surprised, so I’m assuming her family got the invite. I wonder if Mr. Carson plans on going. No one knows about his drinking, and I’m pretty fucking positive he’s past the point of being able to fake it.

  There’s a lull in the conversation, and I know this is my chance. Nausea rages through my gut, and my knee hits the bottom of the table from my jitters. It doesn’t matter, my nerves won’t stop me from this. Now that I know Lily’s in Arizona, I won’t be able to rest until I make sure she’s okay.

  “So.” I clear my throat. “Something interesting happened. I want to talk to you guys about it, but I’m not really sure how to bring it up.” I clench my fork, the metal stinging as it presses into my palm.

  Anna places her napkin in her lap. “You know you can tell us anything, Chase.”

  “Right.” I nod. “I ran into someone who knows Lily.”

  The table goes mute. Anna’s smile drops and Sam’s shoulders stiffen.

  Goldi reaches over and links our fingers, giving me the strength to continue. “He told me she’s in Arizona. Or at least, that she was a few months back.”

  Sam leans forward, his elbows on the table, his attention rapt. “How does he know that? She still talks to him?”

  “I don’t know, I wasn’t exactly in the best frame of mind for asking questions.” Even thinking about that motherfucker makes the rage bubble in my veins.

  “Hmm.” Sam’s eyes are calculating. Anna is still frozen in her seat, her face drawn.

  I look between them. “Do you guys still look for her? Has she ever reached out to you?”

  Sam’s eyes droop like he’s disappointed I’d ask. “You really think we wouldn’t tell you that, son?”

  “I wasn’t exactly open to hearing about her. Talking about her is hard for me.” I squeeze Goldi’s hand tight, using her to anchor me. “I’ve been thinking about hiring a private investigator.”

  Sam leans back in his seat, sighing. “We hired one a few years back. He looked for over a year, but he never found anything.”

  Goldi pipes in. “Do you think it would help if he knew she might be in Arizona? You know, somethin’ concrete to go on?”

  Sam considers her words. “It’s possible.” He looks to Anna, who is stone still, silent as a lamb. “I think his name was Don something. Based in Nashville. He’s a bit seedy, but apparently, he’s the best. I’ll find his info and give it to you. Maybe you’ll have more luck than we did.”

  I nod, my heart rising to my throat with the thought of finding Lily. It doesn’t settle back in my chest—even after I go home, sleep and get ready for work the next day.

  After dinner, I thought I’d be able to talk everything through with Goldi. But then Becca called. I could hear her screeching from the driver’s side of the truck, and when Goldi turned her worried look my way, I knew I was losing her to her best friend for the night.

  I haven’t seen her yet today. I’m supposed to be taking lunch, but I’m stuck staring at the contact info Sam just forwarded to my phone. Looks like I’m about to call this Don Calhoune guy. Sam warned me again that he’s a bit sketchy. I don’t give a fuck if he’s the slimiest crook in the world as long as he can find my sister.

  With shaky fingers, I press call and bring the phone up to my ear.

  It rings… once… twice… three times, before it stops.

  “Mason
.”

  I pull the phone away from my ear, squinting at the screen. Mason?

  “Yeah, hi. I’m trying to reach a Don Calhoune? I was told this was his contact information.”

  “Uh-huh. And what do you want with Don?”

  “I’d rather keep that between Don and myself.”

  “Well, considering that you called my number, asking me questions—that doesn’t put you in a very good spot to make any demands, now does it?”

  Is this guy fucking serious?

  I sigh, exasperated already. “I’m calling for business. He did some work for my family in the past, and I’d like to hire him again.”

  “Mmhm. You lookin’ to find someone or to get lost?”

  The lines between my eyebrows crease. “I need to find someone. Listen, can you just put Don on the phone, or take a fucking message or something? I don’t really have time for all this back and forth.”

  “I’m afraid Don’s not in commission. I’m in charge now, so you can either talk with me or hang up. Doesn’t make a hell of a lot of difference to me either way.”

  “Seems like a good business model,” I mumble.

  A throaty chuckle comes down the line. “Don’t need a good business model when you’re the best. I can find anyone for you, it’s not a problem. But there’s a price. And I prefer to meet in person before going over the details.”

  I lift my face to the sky, frustrated this isn’t as cut and dry as I thought it would be. “Okay, that’s fine. But I can’t get out of town until Sunday.”

  “Nope.”

  “What do you mean, ‘nope?’”

  “I mean, Sunday won’t work. Saturday’s the one.”

  “I’m busy Saturday,” I say through clenched teeth.

  “I’ll come to you.”

  I consider his offer. I’ll be busy all day with Sam’s retirement party, but fuck it. I can disappear for a few minutes. I give him the info and he says he’ll call if anything changes.

  One step closer.

  Journal Entry #352

  I should probably write about everything that’s going on with Lily, that’s what these journal entries are supposed to be for, right? Exiling my demons and all that. But I’m fucking tired of thinking about it. So Doc, if you’re reading this, I guess you’ll have to hope I’m in the mood to verbalize my shit when I’m there.