Give Me You

by Caisey Quinn

  “Landen was the first real friend I ever had. The guys I hung out with in high school would just as soon hang out with you as screw your girlfriend.”

  I wince at the pain current flowing beneath his words. “That actually happen?”

  Skylar nods. “Harrison Hayes was like the brother I never had. We played little league soccer together, learned to ride bikes together, went to summer camp together every year since we were eight. But by the time we got to high school, he quit the Varsity soccer team and fell into the same shit a lot of my friends with money to burn did. Coke. Drinking constantly. Trashing his cars and reputation and relationships like they were disposable.”

  “Including yours?”

  His Adam’s apply bobs as he swallows. I want to wrap my arms around him but I sense that he needs to get this out without getting distracted. “Especially mine. I’d been dating Fallon for nearly a year when I walked in on them fucking in her bedroom. High out of their minds and both acted like I was the messed up one.”

  I wince at the sound of her name. Fallon Kensington will always be a sore spot for me. Or tender at least.

  “Anyways,” Skylar goes on, shrugging off the pain of the past and rejoining me in the now, “I just walked away. Told myself I’d keep things light in college—wouldn’t get attached to anyone ever again because people were seriously fucked up. And then I got Landen as a roommate and that plan was shot to hell, though my theory about fucked up people was spot on. Then I met you.”

  “And I am as fucked up as they come,” I say, only half-joking.

  Skylar’s expression tightens. “No, you’re not. You’re strong as hell and braver than anyone I’ve ever met.”

  I exhale on a half-laugh. “Yeah right.”

  “I’m serious.” He stares straight into my eyes. “So much of what you’ve been through would’ve broken lesser people. Would’ve knocked them down and kept them down. But you get up and keep going. Every time. That’s no small feat, Red. You impress the hell out of me.”

  I can feel the heat rising to my face. “Good to know,” I say, snuggling closer to him. “So you won’t think less of me if I tell you I teared up a little when I got this?” I pull my dress up just enough to show him the black and blue butterfly tattoo on my left hip. “Because it hurt like hell, honestly.”

  Skylar’s eyes widen as he takes in my ink. Or maybe my panties did it, not sure. His fingers graze the delicate wings and I shiver at his touch.

  “It’s beautiful,” he says reverently. “Why a butterfly?”

  Memories of that day, the day I learned I lost the baby, the day I had to go home to my mom’s, the day I decided my story wasn’t over, flood my brain.

  “Because they survive. They’re nearly smothered in darkness, probably convinced that it’s the end. But they emerge, more beautiful than ever and they have the courage to fly—maybe they fly farther and faster and braver because they appreciate it more—escaping the darkness.”

  “Like you,” Skylar says softly.

  I think about his parents and all the shiny, superficial people I saw at the auction—people who barely knew him much less seemed to actually care about him. “Like us,” I amend.

  For two months, I am a complete gentleman. I almost don’t even recognize myself.

  Corin comes to my games, sometimes even pops by practices, or I drop in the diner as her shift ends, we grab dinner, hang out at her place, and at curfew, I say goodnight and head back to my dorm. In every sense of the word, she is my girlfriend, though neither of us has said as much.

  Something has been building between us and we will either take an important step towards moving forward tonight, or I’ll have to say the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to.

  In some ways, it’s been a long two months. And yet it still feels like it flew by entirely two fast. Corin goes into exhausted zombie mode during finals week and I’m busy packing and getting vaccinations and everything else I need for Brazil. Landen and I compare schedules and make plans to meet up when we can. We actually have a tournament in Madrid in a few months where both our teams will compete and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t looking forward to seeing some familiar faces. I’m hoping Corin will come as well, but I don’t know if she sees anything for us beyond these past two months.

  Tonight is my last night at SoCal. Whatever Corin feels for me, whatever she’s willing to admit she feels, tonight is the night I’ll find out. I place the small black box on my dresser before getting ready for dinner so I don’t forget it.

  We have reservations at seven.

  I have reservations about leaving behind the only girl I’ve ever loved.

  “Be there in ten,” Corin tells me over the phone. I hang up and tuck my phone into my black suit jacket.

  Seventy-Five West is a trendy but intimate place about half an hour from campus. I was supposed to pick Corin up at six, but her last final exam ran long so she promised to meet me here. I’m not sure what to expect when she walks in, but it doesn’t matter because when she does, I’m nearly taken to my knees.

  A tight black wrap dress hugs her curves lovingly. Her hair is up in some sort of fancy girl twist thingy and the heels on her feet look like the same ones she wore to the auction.

  “Hey, gorgeous,” I tell her, leaning in for a hug. “How was your exam?”

  Corin smiles appreciatively and huffs out a breath. “Ugh. Awful. Of course calculus would be comprehensive. Pretty sure I bombed some of the questions on older material.”

  “I’m sure you did fine, Red.” I keep my hand on the small of her back as we follow our maître d to a cozy corner table.

  “Just glad it’s finally over and I have a few weeks before summer classes start.”

  We’re seated and I can’t help but feel a little rejected already. I didn’t realize she was taking summer classes. Kind of puts a damper on what I’m about to ask her.

  When she looks at the menu, though, I can’t help but smile. Corin’s face lights up as if I have already given her the most important gift that I possibly could.

  “Sky, this is…this makes me so happy.”

  I grin. “Well I was hoping it would. Since we won’t be making anymore trips to New York, I thought I could bring New York to you.”

  Seventy-Five West is known for its unique cuisine—New York diner food with a gourmet twist.

  “They have cheesesteak. And onion rings.”

  “And pie,” I add.

  Corin laughs and a pang of something painful shoots across my chest. I’m going to miss the hell out of her laugh.

  “I might love you a little bit,” Corin says absently without looking up from her menu. The shooting pang turns to a full on clenching of my heart in my chest.

  “The feeling is mutual, sweetheart,” I say, but she is still glued to her menu.

  The waitress comes and takes our order, same as we got back in New York only Corin wants caramel pie instead of apple.

  As expected, the food is phenomenal and Corin raves about it for most of the evening. We go to a rooftop bar in downtown LA afterward where a friend of mine tends bar, but neither of us drinks much. While Corin is appreciating the view of LA at night and I’m appreciating the view of her, I pull the box from my inner jacket pocket.

  “There’s something I want to ask you.” I clear my throat to get her full attention and to shake off my nerves. “It’s kind of important.”

  Corin turns and smiles at me. Her eyes shine so brightly it nearly distracts me from my mission. “What’s up?”

  “I have something for you. Something you may not want right now, and knowing you, it might even piss you off at first. But I want you to have it, because I meant what I said. I have your back and I will always be there for you in every way that I can.”

  Corin’s forehead scrunches in confusion, so I hand over the box. Her delicate fingers lift the lid gently.

  “Um, okay. I’m confused.”

  I nod. “It’s for whatever you need. Textbooks, rent, a fl
ight to come visit me…” God, I hope she uses it for that last one.

  “It’s a credit card,” she says blankly. “You’re giving me a credit card.”

  I shrug. “I don’t want to go a year without seeing you, Corin. And my schedule doesn’t exactly have a lot of breaks built in where I can hop a flight back here. So I’m hoping that if you get time between semesters or on breaks, you’ll want to come visit.”

  “Skylar…I don’t know what to say.”

  I suck in a breath. “Say you’ll accept it and you’ll at least think about using it to come see me.”

  She starts to hand the box back. “It’s very sweet of you, but you know I can’t—”

  “No,” I say, putting my hands up in refusal. “I know you can at least take it. If you decide you don’t want to fly out to see me, then I’ll have to live with that. But I hope that you will.” I have never hoped for something so hard in my life.

  Corin frowns at the box in her hand and it dawns on me that she is offended. Men handing over money in exchange for something truly bothers her. But I need her to see that I am not them. I am me, dammit. A better me, because of her.

  “Look at me.” I watch her reluctantly place the box in her purse. “Please.”

  Corin’s eyes meet mine and I say what I’ve been trying to all night.

  “I promise I will not do anything to hurt you, Corin. Not on purpose. I will screw up because I am human. But this is not money in exchange for you doing something for me. This is something I want you to have because I care about you and I would really like for what we have to continue. What I feel for you isn’t geographical, Red. I will feel it as strongly in Brazil or East Buddha Fuck.”

  At that she smiles, and the fist clenching my heart eases its grip a bit.

  “For God’s sakes, say something, Connelly.” I parrot her own words back at her but she looks distracted.

  “You know I care about you. And I have enjoyed the time we’ve had together more than you know. It’s been important to me…finding someone here that felt like…home.”

  I sense there is a ‘but’ coming and I tell her so.

  She bites her lower lip hard before continuing.

  “I’m trying so hard to be independent, to stand on my own, Sky. And I know myself. If we try to make this into something more…I’ll drive myself crazy wondering what you’re doing, if you’re surrounded by Brazilian models every hour of the night and day, why you haven’t called. Like you said, we’re not Landen and Layla. We live in the real world. Life is not a fairytale and we both know that.”

  Her words hit me with brute force. “So what are you saying, exactly?”

  Corin’s expression is pained but I can’t imagine it’s as strong or as sharp as what her words are doing to me. “I’m saying I hope we will always be friends and I will always care about you. But I think trying to start a long distance relationship based on the already shaky foundation we have would be a bad idea.”

  “I see.” Swallowing is damn near impossible. I guess I’m not good at choking down my pride.

  “Sky…I’m not trying to hurt you or mess up anything we have. I don’t want to disappoint you or let you down. It’s just…this is reality.”

  I give a quick jerk of my head. “You ready to go?”

  Because I am. Five more minutes of Corin telling me she cares about me and what a great friend I am would be more than I could handle.

  Corin eyes me warily. “Please don’t be mad at me. I can’t stand the thought of you leaving mad.”

  “Not mad,” is all I can manage to get out.

  It’s a lie. I am mad. But not at her. At myself. I’m mad I was stupid enough to think someone would bet on me—would put their trust in me. After my own parents didn’t deem me worthy of their time and attention, you’d think I would realize that no one ever will.

  It’s entirely possible that I’m making the biggest mistake of my life. And for me, that’s saying something. But as I stand at the entrance to the security gate at LAX saying goodbye to Skylar for the final time, I search in vain for words to fix something I’ve broken.

  He stayed over last night, playing video games and watching the final season of Gilmore Girls to finish up the marathon we began in New York, but his heart wasn’t in it. He turned in early, slept on the couch without a single innuendo about it being our last night together. Since I told him I’m not ready to venture into an international long-distance relationship, he’s been distant. More than distant. He’s been completely devoid of any sign of emotion. Everything has been “fine” or “sounds good” or “yeah, that’s cool.”

  I didn’t expect him to want a commitment before he left. Honestly, I’d thought he was going to want to sleep together as some grand gesture for his big send off. I’d kind of hoped he would want that, because in some ways, I was ready for that. But nothing could have prepared me for him to hand over a shiny black American Express and say he hoped I’d visit. I felt like a high-priced call girl. And yeah, that’s probably my hang up and something I need to work through. But I haven’t yet.

  I touch his hand lightly. “So…you’ll call when you land?”

  “Yep.”

  I sigh. “And you’ll take pictures of Brazil so I can live vicariously?”

  He nods. “Sure.”

  “And you’ll stop with the one word answers so this goodbye doesn’t have to be any more painful than it already is?”

  Skylar looks annoyed. “What do you want me to say, Corin?”

  “That you aren’t mad at me. That everything is going to be fine.”

  He glances around in a way that reminds me of his father. As if there are more important people he could be talking to, or he wishes there were anyway.

  “I’m not mad. Everything is fine.”

  “That was a good try,” I say slowly. “Now try it again with some inflection and intonation so you sound less like a robot and more like a human.”

  He all but rolls his eyes at me. “Goodbye, Red,” he says, kissing me briefly on the cheek. “I meant what I said about the card. Use it for whatever you need and I’ll take care of it.”

  Fuck the damn card. “Will you send me your schedule so that if I can come visit, we can figure out a good time?”

  Skylar’s dark mood brightens just a little. “Sure. Just remind me to send it once I’m settled in.”

  “I’m going to miss you,” I say softly. “A lot. And I’m not ashamed to admit it.” This is huge for me.

  He nods. “Going to miss you too. Good luck with classes this summer.”

  Our goodbye is starting to feel real. And permanent.

  And wrong.

  Doubt and regret rush me like a herd of angry animals.

  I should tell him that I made a mistake. That I love him. That I’ll try the long-distance thing because I’m going to miss him like crazy no matter what we are.

  I should’ve made love to him last night in a way that let him know he was the only man I’ve ever wanted, trusted, or cared for so deeply.

  It’s too late.

  “Skylar, wait. I—” The overhead announcement interrupts me and his flight number is one of the ones rattled off as now boarding.

  “I need to go, Red. I’ll call you.” With that, I get one firm kiss on the forehead and he disappears into the sea of people rushing between us.

  It wasn’t supposed to be like this.

  I don’t know how it was supposed to be but I know this is wrong, so wrong.

  I need a rewind button. I need to call Layla and find out how she found the courage to risk everything for another person.

  I need to figure out how soon I can visit Brazil.

  I need a drink. Or ten.

  Anything to drown out any memory of the past twenty-four hours. What I thought would be the beginning of something real, Corin saw as the end.

  God it fucking hurt to say goodbye to her, but not as much as hearing her say all she wanted to do was be friends.

  A year ago I wan
ted two things.

  A professional soccer career and an endless string of women in my bed to keep me entertained.

  Now I only want one thing.

  Corin.

  I wanted her to be mine, to say that we could do this, to believe in me and us and what we had. But as the miles grow between us, I start to wonder who the hell I was trying to kid. I’ve already been down this road—tried to be boyfriend of the year with Fallon. But Corin was different, so different from anyone I’d ever known. I thought our story would end differently. No, I thought it would never end.

  But it’s over now and I need to accept it. Maybe the Brazil United team did me a favor—pulling me out of there before I spent the next four years wasting my time trying to be someone I never could.

  The stewardess gives me a lingering smile as she hands over my fourth or fifth rum and Coke. I don’t even know if there’s soda in it anymore. I don’t care. I smile back and say thank you with a wink.

  I know what she sees. Athletic guy wearing expensive clothes and a watch that costs what she makes in a year.

  That guy, the one I thought I could be for Corin, he’s a weak bitch I have no interest in revisiting. But this guy, the one about to rejoin the mile-high club with a sexy stewardess? Him I recognize. Him I can be.

  I’ve known him my entire life.

  Four weeks into practicing as an official member of Brazil United and I now know exactly why Landen O’Brien played with so much intensity.

  Pent up pissed off wreaks havoc on a man’s mind, but it does wonders for his game.

  The entire coaching staff showers me with praise and approval. Most of the guys on the team are fairly welcoming and a hell of a lot more mature than the Blackburn types were at SoCal.

  I never sent Corin my schedule and she stopped asking for it weeks ago. She sends the occasional text to check in and I keep responses to a minimum. We need a clean break but I can’t bring myself to hurt her like that. It’s not her fault that I wanted more than friendship and she doesn’t owe me anything. I care about her and I always will, but she was right. Reality trumps the fairytale and it is what it is.