You First

by Stephanie Fournet

As usual, morning arrived with the sensation of a vice around his temples. But, at the moment, the feeling that competed with this was the soft warmth stretched along his body. He opened his eyes to the faint morning light and found Meredith tucked snugly beneath the cradle of his right arm, both of them still stuffed into their sleeping bags. Even with the insulated polyester barrier, his leg lay hitched over hers, and the length of his sex, as hard as iron ore, pressed against her bottom.

  Despite the pain in his head, Gray smiled. In the liberty of sleep he had reached for what he wanted, and the way Meredith nestled into him, her unconscious self didn’t seem to mind.

  He was about to pull her tighter and sink his nose into her hair when Juno’s whine pitched, and he heard the latch of the front door snick.

  “Hey, guys…” Bax’s gentle greeting made Gray’s spine stiffen.

  Fuck.

  “Meredith,” he breathed. She stirred against him, and he prayed he’d have another chance to wake next to her again — when his brother wasn’t intruding. Bax could not know they had crossed into this unknown territory. Gray felt sure his brother would disapprove and interfere, and he wanted to protect Meredith from that kind of scrutiny. And he had to admit to himself that he wanted to minimize the risk of Bax outing him. “Meredith, we need to get up. Bax is here.”

  Even though he whispered, she bolted upright and spun to face him wide-eyed, the fabric of her bag swishing noisily. “Holy shit!” she hissed.

  A smile twitched at his lips at the sight of her sleep-mussed hair and the flush that already colored her cheeks, but he knew instinctively that she wanted to avoid discovery as much as he did. Even though she worked for him, Bax had been the one to hire her. She’d deferred to him on more than one occasion, and knowing Meredith, she wouldn’t want to disappoint him.

  “It’s all right,” he whispered. “I’m going to head to the kitchen and keep him there while you go upstairs. Come down whenever you’re ready.”

  Meredith nodded, half-frantic. “What time is it?”

  Gray glanced at the clock. “Just after seven.” He rolled his eyes. “My brother must have left New Orleans before five. He’s cracked.”

  “Or he’s worried.” Meredith gave him a look as she shimmied out of her sleeping bag. “At least he cares.”

  She was about to slip out of bed when he grabbed her. “Wait.” He held her soft, delicate hand and ran his thumb over her knuckles. He didn’t know what he was allowed to say, but he couldn’t let her go without a word. “Last night… thank you for staying.”

  Her fair cheeks turned pink, and he saw doubt and hope at war in her dark eyes. She bit down on her smile and shook her head. “Go see your brother.”

  Hurrying before Bax had a chance to seek him out, Gray left his bedroom through the utility room entrance to find his brother bent over the dogs’ food bin. He quickly closed the door behind him.

  “Oh, good. You’re awake. You haven’t fed the dogs, have you?” Bax held a teeming scoop of food aloft, and Vulcan and Juno pranced with excitement at his feet.

  “No. Go ahead.” Gray moved past him into the kitchen, grabbed the coffeepot, and began filling it at the sink. “Want some coffee?” he asked over the rush of water. He might have heard the stairs creak as Meredith made her way up, and he let go a small sigh of relief.

  “Yeah, thanks,” Bax said, walking over to the sink to wash his hands. “So is Meredith still here?”

  Gray dodged him and opened the refrigerator door to take out his Cafe Bustelo. “I guess. I didn’t hear her leave.”

  It was his best bluff, and Gray hoped it was good enough. He could feel Bax’s eyes on him as his brother reached for the dishtowel to dry his hands.

  “How’s that going?”

  Gray busied himself measuring out coffee and shrugged. When he finished prepping the coffee, he forced himself to turn and meet his brother’s gaze. “It’s going okay,” he answered honestly. “Sometimes it’s weird having her look after me, but I like her.”

  All truth. Bax just didn’t need to know how much he liked her.

  His brother grinned with annoying self-satisfaction. “I thought you might,” he said, nodding slowly. “You just had to trust that I knew what I was doing.”

  Sighing and rolling his eyes, Gray didn’t gratify the statement with a response. He gripped the counter behind him as the coffee started to brew.

  “Besides, she was here when you needed her yesterday, and that means I was right to hire her.”

  Gray could say nothing against this. Bax’s smugness was a little hard to take, but he was so glad Meredith had come into his life. Glad didn’t cover it, really. Elated was closer to the truth.

  “So why are you here so early?” he asked, moving the subject away from Meredith.

  Bax’s good humor sobered. “Dr. Cates can take you first thing. We’ll need to be there by eight.”

  Gray hoped he hid the way fear lanced through him. He knew what the day held — a battery of tests that would only seal his doom — and his mind reached for a lifeline.

  Meredith.

  Even the thought of her brought him peace. He needed to hold onto the certainty that he’d see her again after it was all over. They were going out for a delicious meal and crème brulée. He’d be able to sit across from her and watch her laugh all evening.

  Just as the thought took shape, he heard her on the stairs, and he turned to find her dressed and pulling her hair into a ponytail. He was smiling before he realized it, and he fought to keep his impulses under control.

  “Morning, guys,” she said casually. Gray knew just by looking at her that she struggled to play it cool. She made eye contact with him just for a second before smiling anxiously at Bax.

  “Hey, Meredith,” Bax said, smiling back in a way that made Gray want to strangle him. “Did you freeze up there in that icebox of a bedroom?”

  “Nope, I was cozy.” Then quickly added, “Coffee ready?”

  “Just about,” Gray said, tracking her as she crossed the kitchen toward him. She stopped just in front of him and opened the cabinet that held his coffee mugs.

  “Well, y’all sit. I’ll get this,” she murmured, taking down three.

  Gray wanted to protest, but he held back. This was the sort of thing she was supposed to be doing. Technically.

  “Thank you,” he said, and when Bax turned to make his way around the island, Gray followed. But he let his fingers brush across her elbow, and he heard the soft gasp it drew from her.

  It was the last thrill he managed to win because Meredith took her coffee across the island from both of them and avoided meeting his gaze. Which may have been a good thing, since he couldn’t stop ogling her. But he did nail down the fact that she would come back to his house later that afternoon — after she’d finished with class and had a chance to go home and spend some time with Oscar.

  An hour later, he held onto that promise as he lay immobile in the white coffin of the MRI machine, the deafening beat of the scanner perforating his sanity. He shut his eyes and called up the taste of her lips and the press of her sleeping body against his.

  The heat of her blush and the way she smiled for him.

  The rush of her breath at his touch.

  If something that good could happen in his life, maybe there was hope for him yet.

  CHAPTER NINETEEN

  “WHY DO YOU have to go back? You were there all night?” Jamie filled the doorway of their bedroom and glared down at her. She and Oscar had been playing on the floor with his Tobble blocks when Jamie came home and launched his attack. At his tone, Oscar stopped stacking and looked up at his father.

  “Because. It’s my job.” Meredith managed to keep her voice steady, even though there was so much more to the truth.

  “Your job shouldn’t keep you away from our son morning, noon, and night,” Jamie hissed. “Do you know how much he cried when you weren’t here to take him for a walk today?”

  Guilt socked her in the stomach, but she
tried to keep an even expression. Oscar wasn’t yet two. Some mornings, he fussed and cried even when they did go for a walk. Jamie probably just resented having to deal with it.

  “Well, did you take him?” she fired back, and she saw at once that her aim was true.

  Jamie’s look of stunned surprise flashed over his face before he recovered with a sneer. “I’m not gonna stuff a crying kid in a stroller and take him howling down the street at six-thirty in the morning.”

  “Daddy yelling,” Oscar whined, dropping his block and covering his ears.

  Meredith shot Jamie an icy glare as she pulled Oscar into her lap. “Stop it. You’re scaring him,” she mouthed over her baby’s head.

  “It’s okay, baby. Daddy’s just cranky.”

  Jamie flared his nostrils and pulled the corners of his mouth down in mockery. “Stop it. You’re scaring him,” he mouthed back grotesquely, cocking his head from side to side.

  “That’s really attractive,” she deadpanned. “Also, mature.”

  “What’s going on in there?” Leona’s voice carried down the hall. Her footsteps clicked toward them a moment later, and when she stepped into view, everything fell into place. Her short hair was freshly colored and teased into golden, feathery curls. Meredith understood at once that Leona had been to the hairdresser’s that morning, leaving Jamie to take care of his son by himself.

  Any trace of guilt Meredith carried turned to ash and blew away. Without another word, she scooped up Oscar and moved past both McCormicks.

  “Where do you think you’re going?” Leona sing-songed.

  Without pausing, Meredith answered. “I’m taking my son for a walk since his father wouldn’t do it this morning.”

  “And why should he?” Leona countered, hard on Meredith’s heels. “My God, doesn’t he deserve some rest after breaking his back offshore for three solid weeks?”

  Despite her words, Leona’s voice was deceptively soft so she wouldn’t upset Oscar, but there was no mistaking the tone of judgment and censure intended for Meredith. She found herself grinding her teeth.

  “And while he’s offshore, he works a twelve-hour shift. Which means he has another twelve hours to do nothing but eat, sleep, and watch porn.”

  Leona’s scandalized gasp echoed through the hallway. Behind her, Jamie had the nerve to snicker.

  “How dare you say that in front of my grandbaby?”

  “Jesus, Leona, he doesn’t know what it is — yet. But he will as soon as he picks up his daddy’s phone.”

  “Well…” She exhaled, obviously trying to control her temper in front of Oscar. “If you would let Jamie make an honest woman out of you — like he wants to — he might not have to resort to that sort of thing.”

  “Yeah, Meredith,” Jamie chimed in, sensing opportunity.

  She snorted. “Jamie, I don’t care if you want to look at T&A all day. Truly. Just keep it away from him.” She took a deep breath and let it out. Together, Jamie and his mother had the power to make her feel cornered. And feeling cornered made her angry. She wanted to run, but she needed to have her say first. “Really, all I want is for you to be there for him. And that means being with him when I can’t — and making that time count.”

  Jamie walked around his mother to get in her face before she could clear the living room. “Mered, when I’ve been offshore for almost a month, I don’t want to babysit all day,” he groused.

  Her anger turned to rage.

  “It’s not babysitting! It’s parenting!” The single-pane windows of the living room rattled with her shout, and Oscar started to cry.

  “See what you’ve done,” Leona scolded, reaching for him.

  “No.” Meredith backed to the front door, pulling Oscar with her. “We’re going for a walk. We both need it.” She had to pitch her voice above Oscar’s wails, and now that he was completely wound up, he wriggled and kicked in her arms. She managed to hike him up on her hip with one hand and open the front door with the other. She grabbed the stroller by the handle and nearly kicked it down the steps.

  Closing the door behind her and standing on the stoop, Meredith clutched her baby to her as he fought her comfort. Her chest felt like a balled fist.

  “I’m sorry for yelling, Oscar,” she whispered into his ear.

  His skin was hot with his wailing, and his tears soaked her neck. Meredith closed her eyes, feeling like a failure and wishing desperately to be a better mother. A better person.

  “Do you want to go for a walk?” she asked, trying to speak calmly as he pounded his head against her.

  “Noooooo!”

  Meredith bounced her knees and swayed gently, all the while tempted to bang her own head against the wall. She never yelled in front of Oscar. Jamie did that, and she hated him for it, but she’d always kept calm while her son was around.

  Above all else, what she wanted for Oscar was for him to feel safe and loved. How could he feel safe if his parents were always fighting? And would he know he was loved if she and Jamie shared nothing but misery?

  “Do you want to go back inside?” she offered, rubbing his small back and patting his diapered behind.

  “N-no,” he hiccupped, squeezing her now and linking his tiny arms around her neck.

  Meredith’s heart eased at the gesture. He needed her completely. He needed her to be safe and strong and stable.

  Oscar didn’t need her to love Jamie or for Jamie to love her, but he did need to feel protected and secure. Those needs came first, and they precluded anything more intimate.

  And if she wanted to give her son more than that at some point — if she wanted him to grow up in a household where love was all he knew — she had to lock down the basics for him first.

  Which meant she couldn’t think about herself. Not now. Maybe not for years. And she couldn’t lose her job.

  Putting anything else she wanted on hold was her only option.

  “Let’s just move the stroller out to the street, okay, Oscar?” He said nothing in reply, but cried steadily. Still, he wasn’t fighting her anymore, so Meredith hoped he was past the worst of it.

  She pushed the stroller down the front walk, steering with her hip as she carried him.

  Her night with Gray had hovered around her all day. Sometimes like a shield. At others like a cloud. In her classes, concentrating on the lectures was almost impossible. She kept remembering the pull she felt under her ribs when Gray kissed her. The urge to touch him, to open to him had been as innate as the need to breathe.

  What rattled her even more was the power of Gray’s desire. The demand of his kiss. The hunger she could feel in his arms and hands. Each time she thought of it, her stomach would dip as though she were falling.

  And maybe she was falling, but she needed to catch herself.

  “Can I put you in the stroller now?” she asked Oscar. She’d reached the corner and turned up Curtis Street, and her growing boy felt heavy in her arms. “There’s a doggy going for a walk by the stop sign. You’ll be able to see him better if you’re sitting in your stroller.”

  “Doggy?” Oscar sniffled and craned his head around, twisting his little body in her arms. At this cue, Meredith moved him to the seat of the stroller and tucked his legs under its plastic frame as he tried to see around her.

  At the end of the street, a round rat terrier trotted on leash just ahead of his family. A mother, a father, and a double-wide stroller brought up the rear.

  “Doggy!” Oscar shouted down the street.

  A little girl with wild dark curls leaned forward in her stroller and waved to Oscar. She couldn’t have been more than three. Beside her was her baby brother who looked to be about a year old. Their parents held hands, the dad managing the stroller one-handed while the mom gripped the dog’s leash. Smiling, the mother waved at them, too, and Meredith raised her hand in reply.

  As the family passed in front of her and Oscar, Meredith’s eyes lingered on their backs. The young woman had long, brown hair like the children, but the man’s
was a chestnut shade that glinted with a hint of silver at the temples. They made a handsome couple, but, clearly, he was years older than his wife.

  Meredith’s thoughts returned to Gray.

  He was older. And more accomplished. And more sophisticated than she was by every measure. Which was why he was her boss.

  She wanted him, and by some miracle, he wanted her, but she couldn’t blur even more lines in her life and maintain any semblance of self-respect.

  The life she lived with Jamie was a necessary evil. For now. Until she could take care of Oscar on her own.

  But getting closer to Gray was not necessary. As much as she wanted it.

  He understood. He was considerate and wise and protective, and he respected her need to keep him at distance. He said he would wait, but Meredith knew that was not a guarantee. She had no idea how long it would take to gain her independence. Despite his words, Meredith tried to picture a future with him and felt nothing but hopelessness.

  WHEN SHE LET herself into Gray’s house, she was late. She’d told him she’d be back by four o’clock, but it was edging closer to five when she finally got there. The fight with Jamie and the extra-long walk to compose herself had pushed her off schedule, and she had an apology on the tip of her tongue as she stepped through the front door.

  But the sound of raised voices brought her to a halt.

  She’d parked alongside Bax’s SUV, so she’d expected him to be inside, but one of the voices that bounced down the hall from the living room was a woman’s.

  And one of them was Gray’s.

  “I don’t see how you can do this to us,” the woman said, sounding pained, sounding almost destroyed. “You can’t do this to us.”

  “To you? This is happening to me,” Gray fired back. He sounded angry. And instead of feeling afraid of the sound, Meredith wanted to move toward him to comfort him, but she didn’t dare. “I’m the one who has to face this. I’m the one with a decision to make.”

  “A decision that affects us all.” A man spoke. An older man. His voice was rough with emotion.

  “Grayson, please. You don’t know what this would do to me,” the woman begged. “You just don’t kn—” Her words broke with a sob that carried through the house.