Sweat was forming on her upper lip, and she turned to face the bookshelf across the room. When Jessie touched her knee, she jumped, but forced a laugh to cover her nervousness. She couldn’t do it. Jessie didn’t need the stress of having Lynn wanting more from her. Wayne had managed to turn her life upside down, and Jessie didn’t need any more complications.
“Lynn, you can ask me anything you want. We’re friends. Nothing you ask will shock me.”
“Do you miss Wayne?” Lynn asked the question while thinking something very different, keeping her eyes on the bookcase across the room.
When no answer came, Lynn looked at her. Jessie appeared surprised and perhaps disappointed. The quiet stretched between them, and Lynn fought to not squirm under Jessie’s inspection.
“No.” Jessie’s voice was quiet, and as soon as she spoke, she looked away and downed a shot of whiskey. “I’m surprised you’d even ask. He’s been out of my life for eight months now, and I’m through with him, Lynn.”
“I’m sorry.” Lynn shook her head and watched Jessie until she finally turned her head back toward Lynn. “But you have to admit it’s a valid question, Jess. Your mother never left your father when he hit her.”
“I’m not my mother.” Jessie sounded perturbed, but apparently didn’t intend to let Lynn’s insensitivity ruin the game for her. “My turn now?”
“Now I remember why I hate this fucking game. It does nothing but cause animosity between the participants.” Lynn flopped back and closed her eyes. Jessie laughed, but Lynn refused to look at her. “Ask your damn question.”
“Do you have a girlfriend?”
Her eyes popped open and she stared at Jessie. Jessie had never asked her that before. She was almost certain she’d heard the question wrong, but the look in Jessie’s eyes told her she hadn’t. This was the best opportunity she’d ever get to tell Jessie how she felt, and she was going to pass on it.
“No, I don’t.” Lynn was surprised she could hear herself answer the question since her pulse was pounding so loudly in her ears.
“That’s too bad, Lynn.” Jessie hesitated, obviously searching for the right words. Lynn didn’t even think when she placed a hand on Jessie’s knee, encouraging her to continue. “You deserve to have happiness in your life.”
“So do you, Jess, and you’ll have it someday. It may not seem like it now, but you’re too wonderful to be alone for long.”
Jessie felt something stir deep inside while they sat there staring at each other—that truly exhilarating feeling of discovering one’s most hidden desires. She needed to look away from Lynn, yet at the same time, she couldn’t. The raw need to connect physically with another person was totally foreign.
“Gee, that was a fun game.” Lynn was the one to finally break the silence with her sarcastic remark. She glanced at her watch, obviously not expecting Jessie to respond. “Oh, my God, look at the time. I should probably get home.”
She stood, but Jessie grabbed her wrist and pulled her back down. Lynn landed with one arm over the back of the couch, Jessie still grasping her wrist. Their thighs touched, but neither of them attempted to move apart.
“Okay, maybe it’s not so late.” Lynn’s tremulous smile gave away her nervousness.
Jessie briefly wondered if the alcohol they’d consumed was giving her the courage to do what she wanted, needed, to do. Lynn didn’t pull away when Jessie gently pushed the hair from her face.
Jessie wasn’t entirely sure which of them moved first. She only knew for certain that her lips brushed Lynn’s. It scared her, but at the same time, she’d never been so excited. They both backed away tentatively, then Lynn’s hand was on Jessie’s cheek. Jessie relaxed into the touch as she watched Lynn’s eyes drop to her lips.
“This is crazy, Jess.” Her voice was rough with what Jessie hoped was desire, and then Lynn returned her eyes to Jessie’s. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Why?” Jessie was trembling slightly, and she didn’t try to hide her nervousness. She couldn’t, even if she’d wanted to. “It feels good, doesn’t it?”
“Yes, it does. And that’s precisely why. If it feels this good, it could lead to other things.”
“Would that be so bad?” Jessie waited for a response, but Lynn continued to stare at her with an unnerving calmness. The depth of emotion in Lynn’s expression terrified Jessie, but the alcohol had lowered her inhibitions.
The second time, Jessie knew which of them initiated the kiss. She placed a hand on Lynn’s thigh and slowly leaned into her. Lynn half-heartedly resisted, but Jessie allowed her to take control. The feel of Lynn’s tongue sliding along her own sent tendrils of fire straight to her groin, and she moaned into Lynn’s mouth. Jessie let her hand touch Lynn’s breast and linger there, not quite sure what to do now that she had reached her destination.
Lynn was the one who finally stopped the kiss by gently pushing Jessie’s shoulders. They continued looking into one another’s eyes, both of them out of breath. Lynn gently took Jessie’s hand from her breast and held it.
“What’s wrong?” Jessie could sense Lynn’s confusion and wanted to say so many things, but she couldn’t form the words.
“It’s late,” Lynn said, resting her forehead against Jessie’s. “Maybe we both need to sleep this off, Jess.”
“I’m sorry,” Jessie said, feeling as if she might cry. “I didn’t mean to—”
“God, no, Jessie, I’m the one who’s sorry.” Lynn backed away slightly and moved her hand to Jessie’s cheek, pushing the hair away from Jessie’s eyes as she spoke. “This shouldn’t have happened. Not like this, anyway.”
“I don’t want you to leave,” Jessie said when Lynn stood once again. This neediness was new to her and she wasn’t entirely sure she liked it. “Spend the night with me.”
“I can’t.” Lynn touched her lips briefly to the top of Jessie’s head before walking away.
“Why did you say it wouldn’t be a good idea for you to stay here with me while you’re in town?” Jessie asked. She fought back the tears that threatened. The one person she’d thought she could always count on had rejected her. Lynn returned and crouched in front of her, holding one of Jessie’s hands between both of hers.
“Listen to me, Jess,” Lynn didn’t speak until Jessie met her eyes, “I can’t stay here because of what just happened. I’m a lesbian, and you’re not. Wayne hates me, and if he found out I was here, you’d have more trouble with him than you’re already dealing with. You’re going through a rough time right now, and I want to be your friend. I’ll be here if you need me, but I can’t stay in the same house with you.”
“But I want you to.”
“We’ve been drinking. If you still feel this way in the morning, we can talk about it again, all right?”
“Come by for lunch tomorrow. One o’clock?” Jessie really didn’t want the night to end. She was afraid if she let Lynn walk out the door, she might never see her again.
“I’ll bring Chinese,” Lynn said. Jessie raised their hands and kissed the back of Lynn’s. “Get some sleep.”
After Lynn disappeared out the front door, Jessie picked up her half bottle of beer. Exactly what had just happened?
She’d thrown herself at Lynn like some sex-starved slut, that’s what had happened. She raised two fingers to lips still tingling from their kiss and sighed. Sarah was right. It was much better this time around.
Chapter Five
Lynn drove home in a haze, trying not to think about that kiss, because if she did, she’d end up driving off the road. When she turned onto her parents’ street, she shook her head. Jessica Greenfield kissed me. Again. Definitely better this time.
The kitchen light was on, and she glanced at the clock on the car’s CD player. It was after ten, which meant her father was already in bed and her mother was sitting in the kitchen waiting for her. She checked her reflection in the rearview mirror, feeling as though she was seventeen again and her mother would be able to see that she’d b
een making out.
She went straight to the kitchen, where her mother had a fresh pot of coffee sitting by the sink and a magazine spread before her.
“Care to join me?” Rose Patrick asked without looking up. She didn’t wait for an answer, but stood and walked to the pot to pour another cup.
“Sure, why not?” Lynn took a seat as her mother placed the coffee in front of her. When Rose sat once again, Lynn took her hand. “Is something wrong? I know ten o’clock isn’t late by most people’s standards, but you’ve been going to bed the same time as Dad for as long as I can remember. I hope you weren’t waiting up for me.”
“Nothing’s wrong. I couldn’t sleep.” Rose passed her the cream and sugar, then took a sip from her own cup.
“You’re sure nothing’s wrong?” Lynn had always been proud of her relationship with her mother. In high school, when all her friends were bitching about how horrible their parents were, Lynn could never find anything bad to say about hers. She’d always been able to talk about anything with her mother.
“I’m worried about you, Lynn.”
Lynn studied her mother’s face. Although she was close to sixty, she could easily pass for forty-five. Nobody ever believed they were mother and daughter.
“About me? Why?”
“You’re thirty-three, honey, and you’re still alone.” Rose shrugged as she directed her blue eyes to Lynn’s face. They were the same intense color as Lynn’s own, and her mother still had the coal-black hair that Lynn had inherited as well. She hoped she wouldn’t have a single gray hair at sixty either. “I don’t like to think about you all alone down there in California. When are you going to find a nice young woman to settle down with? I wouldn’t be opposed to you making me a grandmother again, either. I love Charlie’s kids, but I want more.”
Lynn smiled, warmed inside. Rose asked about any possible new partners every time they saw each other. The grandmother thing, though—that was new. The sincerity in her mother’s tone touched Lynn.
“I’m fine, Mom. Someday I’ll find a woman with enough tolerance to put up with all my shit, and you’ll be the first to know. But as far as the grandchildren are concerned—maybe you should go back and read those biology textbooks you teach from. You’re going to have some rather confused students.”
“You know what I mean.” Rose laughed, her eyes full of affection. “I wasn’t born yesterday. I know all about artificial insemination, and adoption’s always a possibility, you know.”
“Or I could find some woman who already has a kid,” Lynn suggested, and couldn’t help but laugh at her mother’s obvious anticipation.
“Oh? Do you have someone in mind?”
“No,” Lynn said sadly, recalling the kiss earlier that evening. She tried not to squirm as her mother watched her intently. “What?”
“How’s Jessie doing?”
Lynn flinched. Could her mother read her mind?
“Do you know what Wayne did to her?” Lynn asked, trying to steer the topic away from her and Jessie.
“She told you?” Rose seemed surprised, and when Lynn nodded, her mother seemed to relax. “Thank God, because I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep from filling you in myself.”
“Wait—you did know, and you didn’t tell me?” Lynn tensed. Rose obviously regretted her admission.
“Karen called me when Jessie was taken to the hospital. She wanted me to bring their mother.”
Lynn’s stomach dropped. She could see her mother’s mouth moving, but her pulse was pounding so loud in her head that she couldn’t hear anything. Jessie had been in the hospital, and no one had bothered to inform her? She closed her eyes and tried to calm her racing heart as the room began to spin. After a moment, she felt her mother’s hand on her arm.
“Lynn, sweetie, what is it? Are you all right?”
“The hospital?” Her voice sounded far away, even to her own ears.
“You said she told you.”
“She said Wayne hit her, and then she wouldn’t discuss it anymore.” Lynn stared at her mother, trying hard not to let her anger show. “How could you keep this from me?”
“She asked me to. She said she wanted to tell you herself, in her own time. I figured since she was going to be okay it wasn’t a big deal.”
“Not a big deal? Are you serious? What if she’d died, Mom? Would you have told me about it then?” She shouldn’t be angry at her mother, but she couldn’t stop herself.
“Look how you’re reacting now, eight months after the fact,” Rose pointed out, showing a bit of uncharacteristic anger herself. “Jessie never forgave herself for what happened between you and her father. She was worried about you going off half-cocked and doing something stupid. Frankly, I was too, because I can see how much you care about her, Lynn. I’d have to be stupid to not know you’re in love with her. And I know you know it, although why you’ve never told your family is beyond me. If I’d let you know, you’d have caught the next plane up here and probably killed that asshole. Not that he doesn’t deserve it, but he’s not worth the time you’d spend in prison.”
Lynn didn’t know what to say, because her mother was right. Her temper wasn’t something she was proud of, but she’d always been protective of Jessie. Admit it, you’re overprotective of her. Always had been and probably always would be. At the moment, though, she was more embarrassed than angry.
“How could you possibly know I’m in love with her?”
“I’m your mother, Lynn,” Rose said, as if that simple statement explained everything. “Maybe someday you’ll have a daughter and you’ll understand. Until then, trust me. A mother knows everything. Have you ever told Jessie how you feel?”
“No, I haven’t.” Lynn sighed. “But she kissed me tonight. And she asked me to spend the night with her.”
“Then why in God’s name are you here talking to me?”
Lynn laughed. Leave it to her mother to cut to the chase.
“I didn’t want alcohol to play any role in it.” Lynn met her mother’s bemused look and hoped she understood. “I’ve never been in love with anyone else, Mom. I don’t know how it’s all supposed to work, but if she and I ever get together, I want both of us to have full control of our faculties. Not to mention the shit she’s going through with her asshole husband. She needs a friend right now, Mom. I can’t throw this on her plate too. And I never told you guys because I didn’t have anything to tell. No matter how much I wanted anything to happen, nothing ever did. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust my family to deal with it.”
“My little girl’s growing up.” Rose smiled and took a sheet of paper from the counter. “Here’s that list of things I wanted you to get at the grocery store tomorrow. You do remember that I asked you to go, don’t you?”
“Yes, Mother.” Truthfully, she hadn’t remembered, because she hadn’t been able to think about anything all evening but Jessie. Rose kissed her on the cheek, then squeezed her shoulder.
“You stink of alcohol.” She wrinkled her nose at the odor and smiled. “Get some sleep, and I’ll see you in the morning.”
Lynn stared at her mother’s back until Rose disappeared up the stairs. She poured herself another cup of coffee before shutting off the pot and returning to her seat at the table. As she stirred in the cream and sugar she watched the liquid swirl.
The kiss was still haunting her. It had been unbelievably exciting, and she felt so guilty for letting it happen. She could still taste Jessie now as she slowly ran her tongue along her lips. Did Jessie have any idea how she affected her? The look in Jessie’s eyes just before they kissed indicated that she did know, but what if it had been the alcohol speaking for Jessie? Or maybe Jessie simply needed the alcohol to give her the courage she needed to kiss Lynn. With other women, those things had never mattered. With Jessie, though, it was all that mattered.
She groaned quietly and laid her head down on the table, clasping her hands in her lap.
“You are so pathetic, Patrick,” she said. It wa
s odd enough that a single kiss had excited her so much, because that hadn’t happened in years. But even stranger, while she was sitting here in her mother’s kitchen, her body was reacting much the same way it had when Jessie parted her lips to allow Lynn’s tongue in.
She sat up suddenly and crossed her legs, squeezing them tight and closing her eyes against the onslaught of feeling. “Damn it.”
Chapter Six
Jessie woke the next morning even more confused than she’d been the night before. After showering and dressing, she went downstairs and sat on the couch. In the bookshelf across the room were four books that she hadn’t owned before her hospital stay, two of them by author Lynn Patrick.
She raised her fingers to her mouth, still feeling the press of Lynn’s lips on her own. She closed her eyes and thought about the ramifications of that kiss. Certainly it was more significant than the one they’d shared so many years before. Back then, they had been young and impetuous. Now they were adults and their actions had consequences. She was married, for God’s sake, and had a child. True, the marriage was over, but until a few months before, she’d assumed she was straight.
Jessie retrieved one of Lynn’s books from the shelf and flipped through it. She’d read it while she was in the hospital and wondered if Lynn was writing about her. Jessie had hoped she was. That realization should have scared her, but it didn’t. Surprisingly, the first sex scene had aroused her so much that she began flirting with the possibility she might be attracted to women. But she’d never acted on it until last night.
The phone rang and she dropped the book.
“Hello.” She tried to calm her racing heart.
“Good morning, sunshine.” Jessie cringed at the sound of Wayne’s voice. “How are you this beautiful morning?”
“Wayne, you need to stop calling here. I can have phone calls added to the restraining order if I need to.” Jessie amazed herself at how unruffled she sounded, because she certainly didn’t feel that way.
True Confessions Page 4
