“Come on, buddy,” she said when he ran under the bed at the sight of the carrier she pulled out of the closet. She should probably sleep for a few more hours, but she wanted to get to Jessie as fast as she could. She’d have time to sleep later.
Chapter Thirty
Lynn glanced at her watch on her way from the car to the porch at Karen and Sarah’s house.
She’d driven most of the night, stopping only for gas and a quick two-hour nap in the car. When she’d rolled into her parents’ house at four o’clock that afternoon she’d been exhausted. After talking to her mother about a few things she made some important phone calls, one of which was to Karen, so she could set her plans in motion. She’d crashed for a couple more hours then and hadn’t even bothered to unpack the things she’d brought from California. She hadn’t called Jessie, because she hoped to surprise her.
She took a deep breath before ringing the bell. It took forever for Sarah to open the door, but when she did, she smiled and pulled Lynn inside for a big hug.
“Jessie’s upstairs putting Amber to bed,” she whispered. “Karen and I are going to run out for a bit so you two can be alone.”
Lynn smiled when Karen came from the kitchen, and Sarah quickly handed her a jacket, motioning for her to hurry up. “Everything’s taken care of, Lynn,” Karen told her after a quick hug. “She’ll be so happy to see you.”
“Not nearly as happy as I will be to see her.” Lynn shut the door behind them and hung up her jacket, then decided to wait in the kitchen so Jessie wouldn’t see her the second she came down the steps. Lynn was standing at the sink with her back to the doorway when she heard Jessie coming.
“I swear that kid is getting harder and harder to put down every—” She stopped with a look of confusion when Lynn turned to face her.
“I got your message.”
“You didn’t call back. I thought maybe you’d gotten over me already.”
“I’ll never get over you, Jess,” Lynn said, then put her arms around Jessie’s waist and pulled her close. When Jessie slid her arms around Lynn’s neck to hold her, Lynn moved her mouth to Jessie’s ear. “God, I’ve missed you.”
“I’m so sorry.” Jessie sobbed, and Lynn held her closer. “I was so afraid you’d never want to see me again.”
“Hey,” Lynn said, pulling back so she could meet Jessie’s eyes. “I love you, Jess, and nothing will ever change how I feel. I spent almost twelve hours locked in a car with a screaming cat, so I hope to hell you don’t tell me you changed your mind.”
“No.” Jessie laughed again and ignored her tears. “It almost killed me to be apart from you. Now that you’re here, I don’t intend to let you go ever again.”
“Good. Now that we’ve settled that…” Lynn kissed her, and Jessie’s tongue immediately tried to enter her mouth. Lynn obliged, moaning, and didn’t pull away until she became dizzy from the lack of oxygen. “Wow.”
“I missed you too.”
“I can tell,” Lynn answered with a grin. Jessie reached for her hand, but stepped away when she touched the cast.
“He’s back in Vegas,” Jessie said, taking a seat at the kitchen table.
“I know. I got a call from the courts this afternoon letting me know I need to be present for his hearing in ten days.” Lynn sat next to her, wondering how to bring up what she wanted to propose. Jessie would most likely balk at the notion of being separated from Amber, even for a few days, especially since Amber had been with her grandmother for two weeks in December.
“I’m so sorry he did this to you, Lynn.”
“I’m so sorry, Jess,” Lynn said at the same moment. They both laughed, and some of the tension of the past two weeks dissipated.
“It’s not the first argument he and I’ve had, and I’m sure it won’t be the last,” Jessie said after a moment. “I’m really glad you’re here, Lynn, because you and I need to talk about some things.”
Lynn didn’t say a word, but simply poured them each a cup of coffee from the carafe that sat in the center of the table.
“I talked to Karen earlier this evening, and she told me about your conversation a few weeks ago.” Jessie didn’t look at Lynn while she spoke, but busied herself by putting some sugar into her coffee. “Between her and Sarah, I know what some of your fears are. I need to tell you about some of mine.”
“Okay.” Lynn’s hands were trembling, and she tried not to let it show as she poured cream into her cup. The rest of her life depended on how their conversation went.
“You said you’re in love with me, Lynn, but have you really thought about what that entails? I have a six-year-old daughter who demands a lot of my time.” Jessie finally turned to meet Lynn’s gaze, and Lynn sucked in a breath at the uncertainty in those brown eyes. “What exactly do you want to happen between us? I know what I want now, after almost losing you, but what do you want?”
“To help you raise your daughter. To be there for dance recitals, or baseball games, or whatever else she might end up showing an interest in.” As Lynn spoke from her heart, the apprehension in Jessie’s eyes began to fade. “I want to be there when she’s sick and when she comes home crying from a scraped knee. I want to be there for you, Jess. I do love you, and I want what everyone wants—someone to share my life with. I want to sit with you on our back porch when we’re seventy and hold your hand while we watch the sunset.”
Lynn held her breath, half expecting Jessie to laugh. Jessie just watched her, and when she began to smile, Lynn relaxed. While she hadn’t expected that particular question, it was far easier to answer than she would have thought. And she meant every word.
“Wow. I didn’t expect that answer.”
Jessie didn’t pull away when Lynn covered her hand with one of her own, and Lynn sighed in relief. “I think you and I need some time alone. Away from here, and away from Wayne. Some place where he’ll never even think to look for you.”
“I can’t go anywhere. Amber has school, and—”
“I’ve arranged everything.” Lynn took Jessie’s hand and raised it to her lips. She closed her eyes, still not quite believing that twenty-four hours ago she’d been close to making the worst mistake of her life with another woman. “Karen’s going to take Amber to school in the mornings, and my mother will pick her up in the afternoons. We’ll only be gone for a few days, Jessie.”
“You’ve arranged all this with Karen?”
“I called her from my mom and dad’s house this afternoon to work it all out.”
“Where exactly do you want to take me for a few days?” Jessie’s tone was skeptical, but Lynn could tell by the look in her eye that she would agree to go.
“Apparently my father bought a house at the coast for their fortieth anniversary. They’ll be retiring in another few years, and they intend to move to Seaside when they do.” Her parents had insisted she and Jessie go there for a few days to spend some time alone—and to talk about their future. “I want to take you there.”
“I don’t know what to say. I can’t believe you managed to arrange all this so quickly.”
“We have an incredible extended family that’s willing to help us out. Will you go away with me?”
“Yes.” Jessie caressed Lynn’s cheek. “Yes. I’ll go anywhere you want to take me. When do we leave?”
“As soon as Karen and Sarah get back. I have everything I need in the car, and all you have to do is pack a bag.” Lynn stood and pulled her car keys out of her pocket. “I thought I’d leave Oscar here so he and Amber can get acquainted.”
“Your screaming cat?” Jessie raised an eyebrow and got to her feet. “Is he good with kids?”
“I honestly don’t know.” Lynn laughed as she pulled Jessie into an embrace. “He’s never been around them, but he puts up with me and my mood swings, so I think they’ll be just fine.”
Chapter Thirty-One
Jessie grinned during the majority of the drive to Seaside. She was certain her grin was becoming a permanent fixture on he
r face, and nothing could make her happier—especially after she’d convinced herself she’d never be happy again. Even kissing Amber good-bye before they set off hadn’t dampened her spirits, especially since Lynn’s cat had already made himself comfortable on Amber’s bed. The only thing threatening her happiness at the moment was Lynn’s brooding. Her body language told Jessie that something was bothering her.
“I need to talk to you about something else,” Lynn finally said when they were only a few miles from Seaside.
“Okay—”
“It’s not that bad, Jess. Don’t sound so worried.” Lynn hesitated, and her expression turned more serious. “At least I hope it’s not that bad.”
Jessie stayed silent, waiting for her to speak again. Was it possible Lynn would take her all the way to the coast only to break up with her? Jessie tried to push that thought from her mind. When she’d shown up at Karen’s unexpectedly she certainly hadn’t acted like someone who wanted to end things. Unable to bear the quiet any longer, Jessie was about to say something when Lynn finally spoke again.
“I met Mike for a cup of coffee the morning I left to go back to San Francisco.” Jessie looked at Lynn, who was staring straight ahead through the windshield, and thought she knew where the conversation was going. “Wayne showed up there with his lawyer and apologized for breaking my wrist.” Lynn laughed, but continued to stare at the road before them. “He even offered to take care of my medical expenses.”
“That was big of him.” Jessie waited for the other shoe to drop. She should have been honest with Lynn about everything from the beginning.
“I called him a scumbag. I also told him to leave you alone. He implied he’d spoken to you and that wasn’t what you wanted.”
“What a bastard.” Jessie put her hand on Lynn’s thigh, and when Lynn glanced at her, Jessie tried to calm herself. If Wayne had been sitting next to her, she’d have punched him. “Baby, you know that’s a lie, don’t you? I have no desire to see or speak with him. Ever.”
“I do know that.” Lynn briefly held Jessie’s hand before putting her good hand back on the steering wheel. “But at the time, you’d just sent me packing. Mike also told me Wayne never spent any time in jail for what he did to you, when you’d led me to believe that he did. Everything coalesced in my mind to make me think our separation was for the best.”
“And when I was with Rick, it scared you. And you’re still a little worried that I’ll eventually go back to men. Am I right?” The look in Lynn’s eyes told her everything she needed to know.
When Lynn nodded, Jessie turned in her seat to fully face her. “Listen to me. It would certainly be easier to stay with men. I’ve seen all the shit that Karen’s had to go through. But you have to trust me when I tell you I’ve thought about this for quite some time. I didn’t wake up one morning and think, ‘Gee, it might be fun to be a lesbian today.’ But then there’s Wayne. You have to understand that I’ve been reluctant about this because of him. He threatened me, Lynn. He had to have known I’d been thinking about you. He told me if he ever found out I was with a woman, he’d kill me. Which, oddly, means he must have known that it was possible before I did. And then he threatened to kill you.”
“If he ever comes near you, I’ll kill him myself, Jessie.”
When Jessie looked away, a tear ran down her cheek. She’d known Lynn would react that way, but was hoping she’d have said something else. She took a deep breath and refocused on Lynn.
“It scares me when you talk like that. I grew up with an abusive father, and now I’m divorcing an abusive husband. I don’t want any more violence in my life. Jesus, I’ve wished him dead a time or two myself, but if it were to actually happen…I’d feel bad for having wished it.”
“I’m sorry, Jess. I say things without thinking sometimes. It’s just a figure of speech. The first time I was ever in a fight was with your father. The only other time was with Wayne on New Year’s Eve. Neither one was much of a fight, though, was it?” Lynn gave a self-deprecating laugh, and Jessie couldn’t help but smile. “I hate the thought of anyone hurting you, and I’d do whatever I had to in order to stop it. But you have to know I’m not a violent person, and I’d never raise a hand to you or to Amber. It might kill me if I ever hurt you like that. You mean so much to me, Jessie.”
The plea in Lynn’s eyes undid Jessie. She brought Lynn’s hand to her lips and lightly brushed them across her knuckles.
“I do know that, Lynn, and I could never tell you how much you mean to me. You’ve always been here for me, and I’m sorry I didn’t tell you when I was in the hospital. I’m sorry I asked your mother not to let you know too. And I’m sorry I lied about why I sent you away. I was trying to protect you, but I did it the wrong way,” she said after a moment. She really didn’t know what else to say. No words could excuse her lies.
“I think I understand why you did it, Jess.” Lynn’s voice was quiet, and Jessie inched closer so she could hear her. “I was angry at first, and then I was hurt. As the days went by, though, I began to understand. You were worried I’d do something stupid. I’d have lied to me too, if I’d been in your position.”
“I’ll never do it again, Lynn. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
“I need to be honest with you about something too.” Lynn glanced at her before turning into the driveway of the house. “Ten hours is a long time to be alone with yourself in the car. It tends to make you rather introspective. I found out a few things about myself on that trip to Frisco.”
“Is this something I don’t want to hear?” Jessie couldn’t keep the trepidation from her voice, no matter how hard she tried. Lynn laughed, and she felt a little better.
“You can answer that for yourself when I’m done talking, deal?” Jessie nodded, and Lynn pulled Jessie’s hand into her lap. She stared down at their entwined fingers as she spoke. “The woman you are now isn’t the same woman I fell in love with so many years ago. I started to question whether I really loved you or if I was just in love with the fantasy of the way you used to be. I mean, you have a kid. Am I really ready for us to be a family?”
Lynn fell silent and continued staring at their hands, and Jessie was afraid she’d have a stroke. She waited for her to continue. Was it possible she hadn’t truly meant what she’d said earlier about wanting to be there for both of them? Jesus, Lynn, you’re holding my entire life in your hands right now.
“What did you conclude?” Jessie finally managed to ask. Lynn looked up at her then, and Jessie’s breath caught in her throat. The pure love in Lynn’s expression was unmistakable. Jessie caressed Lynn’s cheek.
“That the reality of you is far better than the fantasy ever could have been. I love Amber. And I love her mother so much more than the girl I grew up with.” Lynn smiled and melted into Jessie’s touch. “I meant everything I told you before, Jess. I am ready to be a parent to Amber, if that’s what you want from me.”
“That is most definitely what I want.” Jessie moved so they were closer, and she touched her lips to Lynn’s briefly. It wasn’t nearly enough, though, and Lynn kissed her again. Jessie put all of her feelings into that kiss, and when Lynn pulled away, breathing heavily, Jessie grinned. “I’m so happy right now.”
Lynn pulled away from her. “So am I, but there’s more.” Lynn had decided the night before she’d never tell Jessie about Norah, but for some reason she needed to confess everything to her. Jessie’s look of uncertainty made her falter, but she wanted to get it over with so they could let go of the past. “I told you about my friend Bri, right?”
“Yes.”
“I went out to a bar with her last night, and she suggested that I stop moping around about you. I ran into a woman I’d met before and ended up taking her home with me.” Lynn stopped to take a breath, and she risked meeting Jessie’s eyes. The love she saw there was unwavering, and Lynn drew the strength she needed from it to go on. “I couldn’t go through with it, Jessie. All I could think about was you. We spent ove
r an hour talking about you and how much I’m in love.”
“You didn’t need to tell me about it.” Jessie shook her head as she spoke, and Lynn felt a lot lighter. “Why did you?”
“Because I want us to be totally honest. I need you to know that I’ve grown up. That was something I learned about myself on the drive back to Portland. As much as I wished for us to be together over the past years, I really don’t think it would have worked out. Everything that’s happened in my life has brought me to this point—to be here with you now—and I don’t want anything to ever come between us.”
It felt like an eternity before Jessie finally spoke. “I love you,” she said, then kissed her once again. “I knew you might find someone else if I sent you away. I’m glad to hear it didn’t happen, even though you came close. Thank you for telling me.”
“I’ll never keep anything from you, Jess. You mean too much to me.” Now that Lynn had said everything she needed to, she began to feel the effects of having been awake for the better part of the last thirty-six hours. “We should go inside before I fall asleep right here.”
“You go to bed and I’ll take our things inside.”
“You’re an angel.” Lynn kissed her quickly and headed inside. Their lives would be perfect if Wayne would simply disappear forever.
Chapter Thirty-Two
Lynn walked into the kitchen the next morning and smiled contentedly when she saw Jessie standing at the stove making their breakfast. Lynn had been so tired when they’d finally arrived at the house the previous evening, she’d fallen asleep before Jessie finished bringing their bags in. As much as she’d wanted to make love, if she’d started anything, she’d have fallen asleep in the middle of it, and she definitely didn’t want that to happen. She’d awakened alone and showered quickly before going to the kitchen.
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