Soulless

by Kate Rudolph

  “That’s terrible.” Now she looked up at him with an unreadable expression in her eyes.

  An awareness swelled between them, something too big for Raze to understand. It had him leaning in a little closer, breathing deep and catching the warm scent of her skin. He found himself saying more, even as he drew nearer to dangerous truths not meant to be shared with anyone. “Tens of thousands, perhaps even more, survived the attack. Mainly those who were away from the planet or on one of our space stations. A few craft managed to escape land before it was too late. But that was not the end of our suffering.” A strand of her hair had come undone from the braids she’d styled to tame it. Raze wrapped it lightly around one finger, careful to avoid her skin. The soft texture was a knife against his flesh, but he couldn’t make himself let go. “Every Detyen is meant to have a denya, a mate. They are the person who completes our souls. With billions of Detyens on a single planet, finding matches was no issue. Very few people were left alone. But when we scattered, we lost that connection and that hope. And if a Detyen doesn’t meet their mate by the time they turn thirty…” She stiffened against him slightly and he surmised that she knew the direction of this conversation. “We die without our mates. So the bomb may not have destroyed us in one instant, but we will not survive for many more generations as we live now.”

  “So what does your mate think about that?” she asked. “You said that you turned thirty-two years ago, so you have a mate since you’re alive.”

  He could say no more. Raze let go of her hair and pulled away. “My decisions are my own. Sleep now, I will take first watch.”

  ***

  Oh, so he was going to do the stoic warrior thing. Great. Before the mission, Sierra would have said she preferred that attitude to the cowboys and bravos that she sometimes had to work with from the Earth military, but Raze cutting her off like that made her wish for a dozen of those guys from back home. She knew how to handle them. Raze, though? With his emotionless act that she was starting to see through and his heartbreaking story and the pain he couldn’t keep hidden? No, he was making her want things that she couldn’t afford to want. She’d never see him again after tomorrow.

  Besides, he had some mate or something to go back home to. He wasn’t her problem in any way. Why that sent acid coursing through her veins, her stomach clenching with an emotion that was not jealousy, she wasn’t going to examine. She watched as he stalked away, each move dripping with the fluid grace of a jungle cat as he settled into position near the entrance to their little hideaway. He didn’t look back at her, but every cell in her body was attuned to him.

  For a second back there, she’d thought he was about to kiss her. And she would have let him, no questions asked. Maybe emotion meant something different to the Detyens because she could no longer believe that Raze didn’t feel anything. She’d even begun to distinguish little inflections in that flat tone of his, micro-changes in pitch that she would have never noticed if they hadn’t been speaking for more than an hour. And that time had just flown by, seconds bleeding into minutes and more, without ever dragging on into awkward pauses and boredom.

  She wanted more than a night with him, wanted to see what he’d do if she laid her hands on him, wanted to taste him and memorize the shape of his lips under hers. She wanted with such a fury that it frustrated her, lodging a sound of longing in her throat as she tried to find a comfortable position to rest in.

  What was his denya like? Was it a mate for life sort of gig? Or did they have kids and then separate for good? Did he have kids? No, she decided, she didn’t believe that he did. She couldn’t imagine someone like him sacrificing the love he felt for his children in order to do whatever it was he did without his emotions. So maybe the mate thing was just a onetime deal, not a woman he had loved and given up to be a warrior for his people.

  “If you would prefer to take the first watch, I can take my rest now,” Raze interrupted her thoughts. “You seem restless.”

  No shit. “You gave me a lot to think about.” Her training usually meant she could fall into a light slumber in a blink and wake up alert with no issue. But not with her mind racing like this. “How does the denya thing work?” she asked. He had angled his body towards her and she chose to believe he’d answer some more questions, but she had to be careful because he would turn away in an instant, she was sure.

  He was silent for so long that she started to think she was wrong about him being willing to answer, but after several moments he spoke and it was clear that he’d been putting his thoughts into logical order. “There is supposed to be a moment of recognition, when a Detyen knows his denya on sight. Then, commonly, they will bond as quickly as possible. Many choose to remain together, choose to love and have children. Some, though, find mated life not to their tastes and separate. Once bonded, they are safe from the Denya Price and may go on to live long happy lives, whether with their mate or not.”

  Supposed to, commonly, many, some. But nothing about what he did. And then she remembered what he’d said earlier. He’d sacrificed his emotions to lengthen his life. “You don’t have a mate, do you?” There was no woman back home, no passel of children. If she had to guess, he had a small, cold cot with neutral colored sheets and no decorations wherever he slept. A cold, lonely little existence.

  “No, I don’t.”

  “Was it worth it?” If she were facing the prospect of death at her next birthday, would she make the same choice? Some days she felt ancient, but twenty-nine was so young, she didn’t want to die. But was Raze really living anymore?

  She didn’t expect an answer, but she could feel his gaze on her, the weight of it as heavy as an emergency supply pack. “If you cannot sleep, you should take the first shift.”

  That was it then. Sierra settled back into position. “It’s alright. Wake me when it’s my turn.” She flipped over and faced the wall, her mind strangely more at ease, even as it roiled with questions she knew Raze wouldn’t or couldn’t answer. Static crackled in her ear and she hoped that the signal had been disturbed and Mindy hadn’t heard their conversation. It wasn’t pertinent to the mission, and if he wanted to share his secrets with her, she’d gladly take them.

  She drifted off to sleep with the weight of his gaze weighing her down and dreamed of darkness.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  Could a Detyen without a soul find his mate? And if he did, what would claiming her do to him? What would claiming Sierra do to him? He hadn’t felt the stirrings of desire for two years, hadn’t yearned to share his body and his space with another for even longer. But in a handful of hours, he’d craved things he’d long thought impossible.

  A soulless Detyen could not crave. Could not lust.

  And yet, here he was. If he touched her again, would he collapse? Or had that been a onetime reaction? She’d flung a hand out above her head, her pale skin almost glowing in the dim light of the cave. Moonlight streamed in through the opening and some of the moss had a bio-luminescent effect, making it possible to see, even in the dark. He could reach out and brush his fingers over hers, just a kiss of skin, just a test. If he had no reaction, she would never know he’d done it.

  But she was asleep and even that minor of a touch seemed like a liberty he could not steal. It would be one thing to touch her to move her from harm’s way. To do so just because her hand was there and looked so soft that his fingers ached to find out? No, that he could not do.

  He paced around the perimeter of the space, giving his body something to do, some way to burn the excess energy that seemed to have come from nowhere. He could list the exact amount of calories he’d eaten in the day and the standard effect that they had on his body. Today was far from standard.

  His alert went off, signaling it was time to change the shift. Raze silenced the alarm and his eyes snapped right back to Sierra’s hand. He’d promised to wake her up. Would she think it strange if he touched her to do so? He took a deep breath and leaned forward, but before he could do it or stop himself, she
turned over and her eyes snapped open.

  “If you were thinking any louder you’d call the pirates down on us,” she mumbled as she rolled into a sitting position. Her eyes followed the line of his gaze down to her hand. “Was something crawling on me?”

  Raze shook his head. “It is time to switch.”

  “I got that.” She pulled her pack up and grabbed a bottle, taking a deep swig. “Do you need water?”

  “I have my own.”

  Sierra nodded and stuck the bottle back in her pack, settling it back on the ground. She looked over at him and dragged a breath in, as if to speak, but after several moments remained silent.

  She wasn’t going to ask him about the staring. He could say nothing right now and they would both go on pretending to one another that there was nothing between them but this temporary partnership. He would gather Toran and Kayde tomorrow and leave her to do her own job. Space was so big that he could almost guarantee that they would never see one another again. Besides, his chances of not being put down after the mission debrief were slim. He would need to report on his instability. He doubted that anyone of influence would trust him to continue in his function. Two years as a soulless member of the legion was at the lower end of average. There would be no shame in ending once he returned.

  And that realization, that his survival was once again limited to days and weeks rather than years and decades, freed him from something he hadn’t known was holding him back. It didn’t matter if touching Sierra damaged him or did strange things to his mind, he wouldn’t be around long enough for it to hurt anyone but himself.

  “I found myself curious,” he said, voice barely whispering the word. The soulless should not experience curiosity at all.

  If Sierra realized that, she didn’t mention it. “About?” Her tone was cautious, the word drawn out over more syllables than necessary.

  “I wondered if the effect that came from our physical conduct last night was a onetime occurrence or not. And I wished to test the hypothesis.”

  She pressed her lips together like she was holding back a smile. “You didn’t state a hypothesis there.”

  The teasing loosened something within his chest. He wished that he could remember how it felt to smile, just so he could return the one she hadn’t given him. “My hypothesis is that physical contact a second time will not have the same effect.”

  “Why?” This time the smile couldn’t be held back.

  Raze didn’t know the answer to her question. “Why belongs to another experiment, I think.”

  “This is about the most convoluted way a guy has ever asked to feel me up. So, congrats to that.” Sierra shook her head a little from side to side, still smiling. She held out a hand towards him. “Give it a go.” Raze raised his own hand up, but at the last moment, Sierra reared back, eyes wide. “Wait!”

  “What?”

  “Do you have a med kit, you know, if things are actually worse?” She flashed her hand open and closed a few times before leaving it fisted.

  Raze nodded. “In my bag.”

  She nodded again and loosened her hand, bringing it forward. “Okay.”

  ***

  She was more nervous than she’d been on the night she first had sex with her first boyfriend. She hoped that this experience, whatever it was, wasn’t as disappointing as that one, even if they were just touching hands. Her body thrummed with anticipation, like she stood at the edge of a cliff, ready to jump off as soon as she got the go ahead.

  The light in their little cavern wasn’t great, but a fanciful part of her mind wanted to call it romantic. Moonlight streamed in through the opening and the moss glowed. The memory of Raze screaming and convulsing on the ground made her want to scurry back and stay out of reach, but the intensity in his posture kept her rooted in place, stretching one hand out to close the distance between them.

  I wish I could be what you needed. He didn’t need anything, that was his problem. He’d gone beyond need years before he met her, and there was no way to help him. Besides, he couldn’t even want help anymore.

  His hand moved in slow motion, each second stretching out into five until, almost suddenly, warm fingers brushed against her palm. The pads were work roughened, a warrior’s hands, used to holding a weapon and firing with ease. For a moment he flinched and Sierra leaned forward, ready to jump into action. But he didn’t back down, his fingers tracing over the lines of her hand until he bumped up against the juncture of her fingers. He crawled up, his digits easing their way into the gaps between her own.

  She shivered, the skin there more sensitive than she’d ever realized. He sucked in a deep breath and she jerked her eyes from their interlocking hands up to the shadows that ringed his face. And there she saw twin glowing orbs of red where his eyes had been. They glowed in the darkness, demonic but not terrifying. No, she saw them as a challenge and a confirmation of something she couldn’t define. Something she was scared to approach.

  But they only had tonight, and she couldn’t let go of this thing until she knew more. Need roiled within her, not just need for his body, but to know him as completely as one person could know another.

  “What’s happening to your eyes?” she whispered. The distance between them had shrunk to a few hand spans. All she had to do was lean forward a little and she could capture his lips and take this experiment to another level.

  “My eyes?” His fingers curled around hers, gripping tight, almost painfully so.

  Sierra didn’t let go, even as shivers raced up her forearm. It was almost like the tingling sensation she got before a limb fell asleep, but not painful. No, it woke her body up in a way she didn’t know she could feel. She was more alive than she’d ever been before. “They’re red.”

  His hand squeezed harder. “Impossible.” They were both whispering now, the words faint kisses in the air.

  Sierra held up her other hand, offering it to him. “More?”

  Raze reached out, this time skimming one finger across her palm until she shivered. He sucked in a harsh breath and his finger stilled. Sierra wanted to ask, but she was afraid to break the spell between them. He seemed to be teetering on a tightrope of decision. One wrong word or move and he’d pull away. And why that felt like the biggest tragedy of all, she couldn’t say and didn’t want to examine. Not tonight. Doubt and regret could belong to tomorrow.

  He took another deep breath and scraped a second finger against her palm. Sierra’s skin tightened and she practically moaned. The last time she’d checked, her hands were not an erogenous zone, but the sensual assault he was waging against her was almost enough to make her reconsider. His fingers trailed the same path he’d crossed on her other hand until all of their fingers were laced together, connecting them palm to palm on each hand.

  They fit.

  They’d been born hundreds, maybe thousands, of light years apart. They belonged to different species. They had only met hours ago and would soon never see one another again. And yet, it had never been more right with anyone as it was in that moment. It was the single most sensual experience that Sierra had ever undergone, and all her clothes were still on. They hadn’t even kissed.

  She couldn’t fix it all, but that one thing she could. “More?” she asked again.

  Raze nodded, those glowing red eyes moving up and down with the shadow of his face.

  She leaned in, giving him more than enough time to realize her intent. He pulled on her hands, helping her close the distance until her lips ghosted over his, barely a breath of a kiss. She wanted to seal their mouths together and taste him until sunrise, but she held herself back, reading his body. They’d somehow managed to sit side by side without her realizing, and as much as she wanted to drape herself over him, she kept to their three points of contact: right hand, left hand, and lips.

  He leaned in close, returning the innocent pecks with something unpracticed and carnal, even though their tongues weren’t involved. Yet. He closed his lips around her bottom lip until she could feel his
teeth, not a bite, but something more forceful than she’d expected from him. Her fingers squeezed against his, silently urging him to take control of the kiss, control of this encounter. Right now, she’d give him anything, as long as he wanted it.

  With a gasp he pulled back, tearing his hands away and falling backwards, hitting the wall with a hollow thunk. Heavy breaths echoed around them as he tried to regain his equilibrium. And though Sierra wasn’t suffering from exactly the same confusion as him, her entire world still felt off-kilter, changed with a single kiss.

  She wished the light was better so that she could see if he was okay. He didn’t seem to be convulsing this time and either his eyes had stopped glowing, or he had them closed. How long had they embraced? She glanced at the cavern opening and hoped they hadn’t left it unattended for long. A rookie mistake if they got caught because they were too busy making out to look out for their own personal safety.

  That thought alone sent a cold shiver down her spine, dousing the desire that had been coursing through her. Had he felt it too? Or was he putting off some weird sex pheromones that made her forget herself and her duties? She scooted back, putting a little more distance between them. What was wrong with her? Even back on Earth she couldn’t remember ever getting hung up on a guy so quick. She didn’t do the love thing, and relationships were a thing of the past. So why was she all caught up on the fact that this guy would be gone tomorrow? That was a good thing. She could get her mind back in the game and get the damn job done. Her team was waiting for her, the women held prisoner were waiting for her. And she was wasting her time making out with some alien who said he couldn’t even feel emotion?