Shattered

by Ava Conway

  Not that I’d dump all my problems on a mental patient. That was ridiculous. I was there to help Flynn, not the other way around.

  After gathering my things, I opened my office door and stepped into the hallway. There, I found Nesto talking to a few of his friends. He glanced my way when I closed the door and then fell into step alongside me as I walked to the front desk. There was something odd about his presence. It wasn’t threatening, which was a nice change, but his pensive expression suggested he was trying to puzzle something out.

  “So,” he said as he shoved his hands in his pockets, “how are things going with Flynn?”

  He got right to the point, didn’t he? “They’re going okay,” I said, not willing to give any information away. “Why?”

  He cleared his throat. “He keeps the picture of you on top of his dresser.”

  “I know. You told me on the first day. Remember?”

  “Oh, yeah.” His steps slowed as we neared the reception area.

  I sensed he wanted to tell me something more, something important, so I halted a few dozen feet from the elevators. We stood there in awkward silence until I couldn’t stand it anymore.

  “What do you want to ask me, Nesto?”

  Martinez shook his head. “Don’t you think him having a picture of you is odd?”

  “It’s not just me, but of Lucy, too. She was the one who gave him the picture.”

  “True.” He took a step back and hesitated. “Just be careful, Barbie.”

  I thought about my last conversation with Flynn, and how uncomfortable he had made me feel. “Why?”

  “While some people like me wear demons on the outside, others, like Flynn, keep their demons hidden.”

  “Demons like Victoria?”

  Nesto’s eyes widened. “You know of her?”

  I shrugged. “Is she a demon?”

  “One of many.” He considered me a moment before continuing. “Flynn’s still hurting over Victoria. Sometimes I wonder . . .”

  “Wonder what?”

  He took a deep breath. “I wonder if he’ll ever stop blaming himself for what happened.” He turned to go. “’Night, Mia.”

  “Wait.” I quickly closed the distance between us before he could get away. “What really happened between Flynn and Victoria? Did he try to rape her like Johnson said?”

  Nesto steeled his jaw and turned his head. “It’s not my story to tell.”

  “Please.” I grabbed his arm and waited for his gaze to meet mine. “I can tell he’s hurting. I want to help him.”

  Nesto glanced around and then moved me out of earshot of the reception desk. “I can tell you this. Flynn was obsessed with her. He named himself her protector.”

  “Why?”

  He shrugged. “Why do we do anything?” He glanced at the reception desk. I followed his gaze and saw Pam watching us. I quickly stepped back.

  Nesto cleared his throat. “Vicki was convinced one of the orderlies wished her harm, and Flynn focused on her safety day and night, almost smothering her with his presence. After Vicki told him about Johnson, he saw red and became uncontrollable. I think that is what scared her the most about him.”

  “Did Flynn do it?”

  Nesto narrowed his gaze.

  “Barbie, if you have to ask that, then you don’t deserve him.” He waved his hand in the air in disgust and turned away. “Do me a favor and stay away from Flynn. I had to pick up the pieces of his shattered heart once. I don’t want to do it again.”

  FOURTEEN

  TWO WEEKS later, I was doing my usual afternoon-break routine. I had already checked the lost and found for Freckles and had gotten my latte with an extra shot of caramel. I was making my way back to the elevator when I saw him through the window.

  At first I had to do a double take. It felt odd seeing Flynn off the long-term-care floor. He no longer wore the blue bandanna and hoodie, instead wearing a plain T-shirt and pressed khakis. He looked so neat and together, so unlike the rugged just-out-of-bed man I was used to seeing.

  It didn’t take me long to see why he had cleaned himself up. Flynn had company. It was the first time I had seen anyone outside of the hospital take any interest in him.

  I rerouted my course and walked over to Elias, who was standing just outside the glass-encased room, watching Flynn interact with some woman and a toddler, a stroller next to them.

  “Who’s that?” I asked, nodding to the gorgeous redhead.

  “Flynn’s younger sister, Wendy.” Elias motioned to the seat next to him in the lounge area. “It’s been three months since her last visit. That’s the longest stretch since Flynn has arrived.”

  I watched as the toddler tugged on her gray, wool skirt. She ignored him as she talked, instead preferring to wave her arms and yell at Flynn.

  “Seems like she’s been through a lot,” I said, sizing up her messy bun and tired blue eyes—eyes that looked so very much like Flynn’s.

  “She has,” Elias said. “From what I understand, she has two kids with two different dads, and neither of those dads wants anything to do with her.”

  “Wow.” My stomach turned to knots as I studied her face. “Why do you think she’s so angry with Flynn?”

  Elias shrugged. “She probably wants more money.”

  “More money?” I asked, tearing my gaze away from Flynn to focus on Elias.

  “Yeah, Flynn takes the allowance he gets for incidentals and gives it to his sister.” Elias leaned in closer and lowered his voice. “No one knows about that except me.”

  “Oh.” I turned back to the conference room, fascinated with the scene before me. How noble of Flynn to give his sister all of his spending money. How rude of her not to appreciate it.

  Flynn mostly took her verbal diatribe with stride, as if he expected it and as though he deserved it. I registered his slumped shoulders and tight smile with sadness. After all the man had been through, he didn’t deserve this.

  As his sister talked, Flynn crouched down and tried to hand the toddler something. His sister swiped it from his hand. Her lips moved rapidly as she picked up the baby from the stroller and slung it over her shoulder like a sack of potatoes. Flynn shoved his hands in his pockets and hung his head.

  “Doesn’t look as if the reunion is going too well,” I observed.

  “No, it doesn’t.” Elias hesitated, then added, “The older man is much nicer.”

  I dragged my gaze away from Flynn and focused on Elias. “The older man?”

  “The one who pays for Flynn’s treatment.” Elias returned his attention to Flynn and his sister. “He used to come twice a week. Flynn called him ‘coach’ but they acted like brothers.”

  “What happened to him?”

  Elias shrugged. “Retired to Florida with his wife, so he doesn’t visit much anymore. He still pays for Flynn’s treatment, though.” He shook his head. “That man behaved more like family than all of his siblings combined.” He shook his head. “I don’t know why Flynn still agrees to see them.”

  “They aren’t involved with his treatment, are they?”

  “No. They mostly want nothing to do with it. The only time any of them show up is when they need money.”

  I turned back to Flynn and saw him pull an envelope out of his pocket and hand it to the woman.

  “The old man gives him extra money for clothes and such, but Flynn doesn’t use it. Instead he saves it and gives it to his worthless sister.”

  “Why?”

  Elias shrugged. “Because they’re family.”

  His sister grabbed the envelope and counted what was inside. As she did, her features softened. By the time she pocketed the envelope, she had curved her lips into a smile that looked almost pretty. She passed Flynn the infant and then handed the item to the toddler. The toddler jumped up and down, then ran over and grabbed Flynn’s leg. A genuine smile broke out on Flynn’s face as he tousled the boy’s hair and hugged the infant.

  As I watched the scene before me, the hole in my chest be
gan to grow. I thought about my own family, and how I’d never be able to have children of my own. Tears filled my eyes and I blinked them back.

  “Are you okay?” Elias asked.

  “Yes, I’m fine.” I met Elias’s gaze and forced myself to smile. “Allergies.” It was a poor excuse, but the best I could come up with on such short notice.

  “Ah, that seems to be particularly bad this year,” he said. “You should try local honey. I take it every morning with my protein shake and it works wonders . . .” Elias droned on about his raw diet and how natural foods can cure most medical ailments. As he talked, I glanced back at the conference room. Flynn had crouched down to eye level with the toddler and was talking to him as Flynn held the baby like some precious prize. His eyes shone almost as bright as the toddler boy’s. Watching him, I thought about his file and realized how important family and children were to someone like him. I almost had a child once, and it destroyed my relationship with Justin. My sister had tried to give those things to Steve, and now, like me, her life was a mess. My mother had managed to have children but had lost her husband.

  Flynn had told me how he had managed to make all the people in his life suffer, but he was wrong. I had been suffering long before we had ever met. As much as I wanted a family and children of my own, I knew that it would come at a horrible price. Trying to have a family would destroy everyone around me. I was much better off alone.

  Before I could dwell too much on my broken woman-parts, the door to the conference room opened. Flynn, his sister, and the kids tumbled out, all laughing and having a good time. The wider Flynn smiled, the more my heart broke.

  “Mia.” Flynn stopped short when he saw me and smiled. “I’d like you to meet my sister, Wendy. These are her children, Liam and Micah.”

  “Nice to meet you,” Wendy said.

  “You, too.” I stood and held out my hand. Wendy hesitated, then shook it.

  “Flynn has told me so much about you,” she said.

  “He has?” I glanced at Flynn, remembering our time on the roof. I wondered how much about our relationship he had told his sister.

  “Micah was just born two months ago. That’s why Wendy hasn’t been by to visit.” Flynn held out the baby toward me. “Isn’t he gorgeous?”

  “Yes.” I took a small step back.

  “Come on, take a look,” Flynn said, urging me closer.

  “No, I . . .” I glanced at Elias, then at Wendy, desperate for help. I didn’t want to touch the baby. It would only remind me of the one I lost.

  “We really need to get back to the floor,” Elias said, sensing my distress.

  “In just a moment.” Flynn held out the baby toward me. “Come on, Mia. Hold him.” He held out the little bundle. “I dare you to look into that little face and not smile.”

  I looked down at the baby as a hole opened up in my chest. “I . . .”

  “Come on,” Flynn said. “What’s the problem?”

  “I—I can’t.” Tears filled my eyes as I glanced up at his sister. “I’m sorry.”

  “Mia.” Flynn handed the baby to his sister and reached for my arm. “What’s wrong?”

  I stumbled back from his outstretched hand. This was too much. It was all too much. The baby looked so gorgeous with its dusting of red hair, so very much like Flynn himself. It was obvious how much Flynn adored him. Seeing them together made me realize just how much Flynn needed family, and how my goals conflicted with what he needed to help him heal.

  Family, children, happiness . . . all the things I wanted for myself but could never have weighed on my shoulders like cement blocks.

  “I need to go.” I took another step back toward the elevators.

  “Why?” Flynn asked.

  “A meeting. Upstairs.” Oh, God, did the baby just giggle? I had to get out of there. Turning, I raced for the elevator.

  “Mia, wait—” Flynn’s words got swallowed up by the crowd as I raced into the opening elevator. Once inside, I slammed my palm over the control panel, shutting the door and sealing me off from my nightmare.

  I glanced in the mirrored wall and cursed my red eyes and nose. I had to get my act together or people upstairs would start asking questions—questions I didn’t want to answer. Taking deep breaths, I tried to force my thoughts away from Flynn and his nephews and focus on my job.

  My life had purpose, and that purpose was important. I didn’t need to have a family or children. I had my career. I was going to be a famous doctor and make my mother proud. I was going to be the child she’d talk about at dinner parties. I was the good one, the stable one.

  Tears spilled down my cheeks as the elevator doors opened. I swatted at the tears with the back of my hand as I hurried down the hall to my office.

  “Mia?” Pam asked as I passed. I ignored her curious expression and walked faster. Once I was in the safety of my office with the door closed, I fell into my desk chair and let the tears fall.

  I cried for the baby I had lost, then cried for the family I’d never have. Life was so cruel sometimes. Flynn’s sister had more children than she could provide for, and people like my sister couldn’t get pregnant at all. None of it made any sense.

  As my sobs dissolved into sniffles, a knock sounded at my door. I wiped my eyes on my tissue and attempted to pull myself together. After a couple of deep breaths, I tried to look busy at my computer.

  “Come in.” When I spoke, my words were clear and my voice strong. I gave myself a mental pat on the back for having things so under control.

  “Hey.” Flynn popped his head into my office. “Are you okay?”

  “I’m fine. Why wouldn’t I be?”

  He slipped inside the office and closed the door behind him. “Because you aren’t at a meeting.”

  It took me a minute to realize he was referring to my excuse downstairs. “Oh, well, I meant that I had a lot of work to do.”

  “I see.” He settled into the chair on the opposite side of my desk. “Care to talk about it?”

  I focused on my blank computer screen, knowing that if I looked at him, I’d start crying all over again. “There’s nothing to talk about.”

  “I think there is.” Silence stretched between us, making me uncomfortable. His presence overwhelmed my senses, and I wanted nothing more than to fall into his strong arms and have him hold me as I cried. It was impossible, however. Even if we weren’t staff and patient, our relationship could never work. I could never give Flynn what he wanted, and he could never be the person I needed him to be.

  “I’m fine, really.”

  “No, you aren’t.” He leaned forward in his chair and rested his elbows on his knees. “Why don’t you just tell me whatever’s bothering you? It will make you feel better.”

  I turned away from my computer screen and sat back in my chair. He was right. I should just come out and say it. Then perhaps he’d go away and leave me to my misery.

  “I lost a baby.”

  “You what?” Flynn raised his brows and straightened in his chair. “As in misplaced?”

  I took a deep breath. “No. I had a miscarriage in college, around the same time as Lucy’s accident.” Slowly, and with a shaky voice, I told him about Justin and the pregnancy, about Freckles and the miscarriage. Finally, I told him of my sister and the family curse.

  “I never said this to anyone before,” I admitted.

  “Well, I don’t understand why. It’s not a big deal.”

  “Not a big deal?” I gripped the armrests of my chair. “Haven’t you been listening? I lost a baby, Flynn.”

  “Yes, I know.” He leaned back in his chair and cracked his knuckles. “But that doesn’t mean you can’t try again.”

  “I have PCOS, Flynn. It’s genetic. My whole family is either infertile or taking all sorts of hormones to try to get pregnant.”

  “Not necessarily.”

  “But the doctors said—”

  “Words.”

  “What?”

  “They’re just words in
files, Mia. They aren’t facts.”

  I shook my head. “I don’t understand.”

  He took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair. “Sometimes doctors are wrong.”

  “But—”

  “Ever hear of cancer patients who are given six months to live, and then live another sixteen months after that?”

  “Well, yes, but—”

  “Ever hear of people who are pronounced dead on the operating table, only to be alive and talking to reporters hours later?”

  “Yes.”

  “Doctors are human. As humans, they aren’t always right.” He leaned back in his chair with a satisfied look on his face, as if he knew he had made his point.

  “This is different.”

  “How?” He stood and tapped his finger on the pile of manila folders on my desk. “Mia, doctors don’t know shit. They fill out forms and everything is clouded by science and books. As long as you believe things are possible, there’s hope.”

  “My ovaries have cysts, Flynn.”

  He placed his palm flat on the desk and leaned closer. “If you really want a family, then you should find a way to make it happen. Having a family might be difficult for you, but you’ve already proved that it isn’t impossible.”

  I leaned back in my chair and tried to push aside the sensation that I was caught in a trap. “How?”

  “I’m sure there have been cases reported of women with PCOS who have had children,” he said.

  “Yes, but . . .” But they weren’t me. I didn’t want to try and fail over and over again like my sister. Trying to conceive had made her depressed and irritable. I didn’t want to become that person.

  “Even if you couldn’t get pregnant by natural means, there are other options.”

  “You mean like new age stuff?”

  “Sure, if you want to try it. Acupuncture, herbs, exercises . . . but that isn’t all. You could adopt, or look into having a surrogate. My point is, you shouldn’t let your medical condition keep you from your dreams. As long as you live and breathe, you can find a way to make it work.”