No strings, no pain. What a farce.
Wallace stepped into her line of sight. “Hi.”
“Hi Wallace,” Diana said.
He gestured towards the back door. “Don’t let it bother you. He always gets pissy and withdrawn this time of year.”
“I know. The fires.”
“Right,” Wallace stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Look, he likes you. A lot. Whatever you two have going on is none of my business. Just… cut him a break. Okay?”
Hard not to when she was afraid that she already loved him. She’d tried hard not to care, but he wasn’t the young, wild and selfish kid she’d thought. He cared about everyone, even her. She reminded herself of what he’d done for her and how he’d made her feel. After months of believing no man would ever touch her again, he alone made her feel like she was worth something.
He might have been an asshole tonight and walked out on her, but for the first time in a long while she couldn’t even consider giving up. Not on him.
After Diana dropped off Mandy at Gran’s, she went back home to grab the cookies she’d baked for Scott this morning. They were to be a surprise. The snickerdoodles were her first real experiment in Gen’s bakery and according to the expert herself they weren’t half bad. High praise indeed. Gen had mentioned to Diana that they happened to be Scott’s favorites, and Diana had gone ahead and pretended she didn’t already know that. She had intended them for him all along. Now, as she pulled up to his house and noticed his truck was not in the driveway she had a decision to make. Drop them off for him on the porch or be back tomorrow? Leave a note or don’t leave a note? If so, what should the note say? Should she sign it “love, Diana” or would that freak him out? So many decisions.
While she was composing the third draft of her note, the headlights of a truck shined in her direction and Scott pulled into his driveway next to her.
Her heart quaking and palms clammy, Diana met him at the front door. “Hey.”
“I’m not much company tonight.” He opened the front door and walked inside.
She followed, not clear on whether the door he’d left ajar was an invitation or not. He looked tired and a bit disheveled— his eyes strained, a day’s beard growth dusting his chin and jawline.
“For you.” She handed him the box of cookies and he accepted it.
He placed the box on his counter. “Thanks.”
“They’re my recipe. I played around with it a little bit and I hope you like them. Your favorite.” She smiled, feeling like an idiot. Something was wrong. Too wrong.
“I’m sure I’ll like them.” He didn’t smile back and that hit her harder than she wanted it to.
“What’s wrong? Because you can’t seriously believe—”
“You and Kyle? That’s up to you, isn’t it?”
Why did those words feel almost like he’d slapped her? “Scott—”
He moved away from her touch and then she did feel slapped. “Maybe he’d be better for you than me. Hell, anybody would be.”
“What the hell is wrong with you?” She hit his shoulder, wanting to scream and shout that no one was better for her than him.
“I screwed up on the job, Diana. And it’s definitely not the first time. Not even close.”
“You’re not a screw-up.”
“Aren’t I? I ignored safety protocol and now I’m suspended for two days. Maybe you were right about me all along. You should have stayed away. I’m toxic to everyone I try to help.”
“I really don’t understand, Scott. What did you do that was so horrible? What are you trying so hard to make up for?”
He stalked away from her. “You really want to know? Snipers travel in pairs. And my former partner is dead because of me.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“Believe it.” He raked a hand through his thick head of hair.
“Did it happen in that explosion where you got all the scarring?”
He made a gruff sound which sounded like something between a grunt and a moan. “The battlefield at home. That’s where it happened. Jake killed himself.”
“Oh, Scott.” She almost couldn’t breathe at the agony written all over his face and in his raw, tense eyes. “When did this happen?”
“Four years ago.”
“You have to know that it’s not your fault.”
“The hell it isn’t. I’m not the only one who thinks so, either. Jake’s sister does, too. Every year at this time she sends me emails reminding me. As if I could ever forget.”
There was so much agony in those green eyes that Diana felt it blaze a trail straight to her heart. “She has no right to do that.”
Her breath hitched and her throat felt tight with tears. Her tiny problems paled in comparison to his. She’d been worried about Gran, her writing, being dumped and starting over and he’d been dealing with this? The personal loss of a friend. The deep responsibility for all of it.
“She’s right. If I’d come up to see him that weekend when he needed me, this wouldn’t have happened.”
“He probably needed help, the kind of help you couldn’t give him and he didn’t get it.”
“I should have had his back.”
The ragged pain in his eyes stole her breath. “And who has your back?”
He didn’t answer, only studied her and just as suddenly grabbed his keys and went for the door. “I’ve got to go.”
“Wait, Scott. Where are you going?”
“Look, this is not your problem.”
“Why won’t you let me help you? You’ve done so much for me.”
“I didn’t do anything, babe. You helped yourself. You’re stronger than you know and you don’t need me. Maybe all we’ve been to each other is a good and satisfying lay.”
With that last stab to her heart, he walked out the door.
Diana watched the door for several minutes, waiting, hoping he’d come back in so she could scream and curse at him. This was his house and if anything she should be the one to leave. It wasn’t until she heard his truck start up outside that she walked to the window and watched him drive away. What had just happened here?
What happened is that he just told you how he felt. You’re nothing more than sex to him. She’d managed to fool herself that sex was all she’d wanted from him. Even if she’d changed her mind, he obviously never had. And so she’d done it again. Wrapped herself up in a fairy tale. A lovely bedtime story. But in the same way she’d lived in denial with Bradley, refusing to see how wrong they were for each other from the beginning, she’d failed to see that Scott didn’t feel the same way about her that she did about him.
She loved him, but he didn’t love her back.
The ache was deep enough that she could only think of one thing to do. Go to the last place she’d felt joy.
Chapter 21
Scott drove because he didn’t know what else to do. He only knew that he had to keep moving, and he couldn’t stay with Diana a moment longer. Couldn’t take those deep brown eyes washing over him with a kindness and compassion he didn’t deserve. She cared about him. That much was clear. Probably nearly as much as he’d come to care about her. Because she was the most loving and selfless woman he’d ever met, putting aside her own dreams and rearranging her life to take care of her aging grandmother.
He’d probably loved her from the moment he’d first seen her in the hospital, eyes squinting at him before he’d handed over her glasses. Those eyes had shifted and switched into protection mode the moment she’d placed him. But rather than let it go, and let her keep the previous, possibly more accurate memory of the kid who’d forgotten all about her because of the chance at a ride in a sweet fast car, he’d gone out of his way to change her mind about him. She was worried about him, because that was the kind of woman she was. Loving. Amazing. She’d easily forgiven him and let him back in her life.
Tonight, he’d ruined all possibilities with her.
Twelve years ago, he’d taken a car for a joyride, bee
n arrested and made his mother cry. Disappointed his entire family. The legal bills hadn’t helped their difficult financial situation at the time and ever since then he’d tried to be a good kid to make it up. But the debts just kept mounting, Jake being the biggest one. The one Scott couldn’t ever pay back.
More than anything, he wished he could forgive himself.
She might not understand when you pull away without even realizing that’s what you’re doing. She’ll think it’s because of her and take it personally. Wallace had said that not long ago, and he’d been right. He’d pushed Diana away because he didn’t deserve her. Far from being a reminder of bad times, she was essentially the only good and perfect thing he had left in his life. She believed in him. Heard the worst from him but he’d seen nothing but love in her eyes. No judgment or resentment. He saw enough of it when he looked in the mirror every day, and finally he’d had enough. Enough pain. Enough blame. It had to end somewhere and it might as well be with him.
In the quiet of the night, Scott could almost hear Jake’s voice.
Get over it, chump. Don’t be such a pussy. Move on, soldier. Heads up.
Jake had been referring to something else, but his words now affected Scott in a new way. More than anyone, Jake wouldn’t want him to take on the blame. He’d always said he could take care of himself. Scott didn’t know why it had happened, and maybe he’d never fully understand. But if he wanted to move on, if he wanted to live a life worth living, he’d have to let Jake go. Because letting him go and leading the life he’d been blessed to still have was the best kind of tribute to Jake.
At this hour of the evening, Starlight Hill was rolled up tight. Everyone would be at home, and so he headed back to Diana’s. He had to see her, had to make up his hurtful words to her. She’d been far more to him than he’d ever imagined she could be. But he’d been an asshole and had to make it up to her. Somehow. He was supposed to be helping her, not pushing her away. Her car wasn’t back at her house, and there were no lights on inside. When he drove back to his house, it was the same thing. No Diana. Pushing his luck, he drove on to Mrs. Paulsen’s and saw no lights on, and more importantly Diana’s car wasn’t there either.
Now he was not only curious but a foreboding sense of concern ached in the pit of his stomach. No, she wouldn’t have sought out Kyle. She wasn’t the type, and this little walk on the wild side she’d taken with Scott hadn’t worked out too well for either one of them. He had a feeling they were both sunk like two ships in deep muddy waters. At least he could speak for himself. He was in trouble because he cared far more than he should, maybe even more than he’d been allowed to care. Much more than friends, she’d robbed him of a big piece of his heart when he hadn’t been paying attention. Too busy worshipping her body, he, who’d always done so well with separating love and sex, had screwed up in an epic way this time.
He wondered what she’d do if he asked her to stay.
He drove through town like a soldier on a reconnaissance mission, searching out a blue Honda Civic. Hopefully occupied by a beautiful brunette woman who might give him another chance. Again.
Scott saw nothing but one dirty car after another. What their state needed, what they all needed, was one big dump of water to go on for days and wash away all the dust and grime. Fill up their dams and lakes.
The lake.
He drove there breaking speed limits, and damned if he didn’t see her blue Honda parked right where he’d parked his truck. The thought that she’d come out here this late at night, when the moon was still just a slice in the sky, unnerved him. It wasn’t safe, and what’s more he doubted she even had a flashlight with her. Pulling over, he took out his flashlight from the glove compartment and the thermal blanket he carried with him. If she’d come here wearing that sexy skimpy dress he’d seen her wearing earlier, by now she’d be cold. And shit, he hoped she’d had the presence of mind not to walk in her red boots or she might break her neck out here.
He’d only hiked a few feet in towards the lake when he heard her voice carrying through the quiet night air.
“Go away, Scott!”
Yeah, fat chance. “I will as soon as you tell me what the hell you’re doing here.”
“I thought I’d come for a moonlight swim. What do you care?”
He shone the flashlight in front of him following the sound of her voice. She sat on the ground, cradling one bare foot.
Even from a few feet away he could see she was scratched up and possibly bleeding. “You’re hurt.”
“And you’re a liar. You said you would leave if I told you.”
“I can’t leave you here.”
“Yes, you can. I don’t need your help.”
He reached her side and squatted down. “Let me see.”
“I’m fine. I took off my boots and tripped on a tree root. I just skinned my knee and foot.”
“Is that why your ankle looks swollen?” His hand skimmed her ankle and she jumped. “Maybe it’s broken.”
“It’s absolutely not broken!”
“Can you put your weight on it?”
She gave him the thousand yard stare.
“That’s what I thought.” He put the thermal blanket around her and lifted her into his arms, holding the flashlight in his mouth.
“My boots!” she said, and grabbed them up. “Put me down.”
He couldn’t say anything more than a mumble with the flashlight in his mouth so he kept walking, ignoring her protests. He settled her into the passenger seat and examined her ankle.
“Need to ice it.”
“What are you doing here?”
His eyes rose from her pink and swollen ankle to meet her red rimmed eyes. Shit. She’d been crying. Over his sorry ass. Not the first time in his life he’d made a woman cry, but only the second time in his life when it mattered to him. It mattered a whole hell of a lot and he mulled that over while he examined her ankle.
“I went to your house, then back to my house. Drove by Mrs. Paulsen’s house. Couldn’t find you so I drove all over town.”
He could sense her eyes probing him while he busied himself, using his first aid kit to clean up her scratches and some of the blood from a gash on her foot.
“But why?”
“Because I was an asshole earlier. A jealous asshole.” He met her eyes. “And I’m sorry.”
“You can’t help the way you feel.”
“We both know this has been about a lot more than sex. And I should have told you about Jake.”
“You should have. I wanted to help you tonight, and you didn’t let me.”
“I know, babe. It’s hard for me, to be … weak.”
“You’re not weak because you hurt inside. I know you, Scott, and you would have done anything to help him if you could.”
“But some people can’t be helped. Right?”
“You’re not responsible for the world.”
“Yeah. You know, for a while I was mad at Jake but that seemed wrong somehow. Never speak ill of the dead and all that. So I guess it was just easier to turn the hate around to myself.”
“And Megan obviously reinforced it.”
“She’s in a lot of pain. I can take the abuse. It’s once a year.”
They were both quiet for a moment, then Diana spoke again. “We all have our wounds, Scott. Maybe you think I’ve been completely honest with you, but that’s not true. When I came here, it wasn’t just to help my Gran. I was also running away from my stupid life.”
“You don’t have a stupid life.”
“Oh yeah? Maybe you don’t know me at all. You think you’re toxic? I dated my college boyfriend for six years. Six months later he was engaged to be married to someone he’d dated for eight weeks. I told myself he wasn’t ready to be married. We were too young, and then later we didn’t have enough money. We both had to get our careers established and the timing wasn’t right. But the point was he didn’t want to marry me. And maybe he knew before I did that we were never right for each oth
er. I just didn’t see it then because I’m an idiot and I see what I want to see. So you might want to run far away from me before I take you with me into my land of make-believe.”
“You don’t have to tell me all this.”
“Yes, I do. Because you were supposed to be the rebound guy.”
That hit him hard. Until that moment he hadn’t realized how much he’d hoped she might want more from him from the start. “The rebound guy.”
“I wanted to go in with no expectations for the first time in my life. But as it turns out, I don’t do no expectations. I don’t do casual. I don’t do no strings.”
“Not many people do.”
The ankle. Needs to be iced. Focus on this swollen ankle and don’t get your hopes up. He’d run out of ice packs in his first aid kit, but the water in the lake was cold enough that it would do in a pinch. Her wound cleaned up and the cut wrapped, he lifted her again and carried her to the side of the lake. Holding her in his lap he stuck her left foot in the lake.
“Holy crap!” She squealed and tried to pull back but he held her ankle in place.
“Keep it here just a few minutes. We need to ice it.”
“It’s freezing.”
“And you were going for a moonlight swim?”
“You got me. I lied. I wasn’t going to swim, I’m not crazy. I just wanted to feel as good as I had the last time I was here.” She leaned back, pushing against his chest and buried her face in the crook of her elbow. “You weren’t supposed to be the guy.”
He couldn’t help it. His heart kicked into high gear. “Diana. Look at me.”
“No. This is so humiliating. First you rescue me from a fire. Next you rescue me from feeling like an amazon woman with a fat ass—”
“Hey, your ass is perfect.”
“Thank you. You just made my point. And now you’re rescuing me from a broken ankle.”
“I don’t think it’s broken.” He pulled her foot out of the water.
“Oh, thank God. I could use some good news right about now.”
Unforgettable You (Starlight Hill Series Book 4) Page 26
