A Good Distance From Dying

by David Carroll

  C H A P T E R F I F T E E N

  Talk to anybody who has watched a lot of zombie movies and they will confirm that there’s a good deal of clichés out there. Topping the list is the fact that, for most people, shooting a zombie in the head is far from the first idea they have to protect themselves.

  I wonder how many people were like me while watching the movie “Quarantine”. I kept screaming, “SHOOT.. THEM.. IN.. THE.. HEAD” as that group of clueless people squandered the small window they had to make it out of their situation alive.

  I was impressed by everything in that movie except for the fact that none of these people ever said, “Hey, these things are like zombies! Let’s shoot them in the head!”

  There is an argument that says if you don't believe zombies exist then you wouldn’t think that shooting the shambling killer in the head would solve your life or death problem. However, I disagree. If video games and popular movies have taught us nothing else, they have taught us that shooting the bad guy in the head will solve that particular problem nearly every time.

  Another cliché is that once one of the main characters becomes infected and turns into a zombie the rest of the characters suddenly find themselves at some moral dilemma. They argue over shooting the newly made zombie in the head. This usually leads to at least one of the other characters getting killed.

  Okay, let’s think about this, once the person dies they are no longer your buddy, your brother, your mother, your lover or even your estranged uncle. They are now a hungry, hungry hippo who wants to munch on your grey matter. If you’ve been popping hippos all day what’s the problem in popping one more? I have never understood this problem.

  Another, scarier, cliché is one where we see a main character become infected but nobody sees it happen. The person then hides it from everyone thinking that, for some magical reason, they won’t turn into a zombie and kill all their friends.

  This has always dumbfounded me. If you’re living in the world of the dead and you know the dangers that are all around you every day then you should know how this is going to end. Usually at least one main character and a couple of supporting characters will die as a result of this cliché.

  There are so many more of these clichés that I could go on for days. There is the fact that people never believe the things killing and eating people are zombies. This is a level of denial that people can’t seam to break. This will even lead to them saying such things as “this isn’t happening”, or “you’re not real” over and over again as the cold uncaring teeth of the dead clamp down on them.

  Also, a chainsaw will always start on the first pull. It’s like that nineteen-year-old has been a lumberjack his entire life.

  Women will always fall when chased. This cliché seems to cross over into all horror movies. Another is the cliché that in zombie movies everyone is a hell of a marksman. It doesn’t matter if they’ve never held a gun before; as soon as the dead are bearing down on them they can hit that forehead every time they pull the trigger.

  And lastly is the cliché that began this whole line of thought. It is a not as widely used as some of the other ones, but it is in many movies as well as my favorite zombie video game, Dead Rising. At some point during the zombie invasion the gas station will explode. Why I didn’t think about this earlier is beyond me. I should have expected this to happen as soon as our plans hinged on us making it to the gas station at the Gray crossroads.

  Sass was starring out the windshield with his mouth hanging open.

  “We’re screwed, we’re totally screwed.” He said in a voice that was just a bit above a whisper.

  “Now Sass, you can’t look at it like that. We’re still okay. We have enough diesel to make it to the crossroads and maybe even to JC. It’s not going to be as much of a walk in the park as we had hoped, but we’re still okay.”

  Sass turned and looked at me, “Seriously. Gas stations are exploding and the dead have risen from the grave but you’re telling me everything’s fine?”

  “Technically the dead haven’t risen from the grave. The corpses that are walking around are fresh ones, not old buried ones.”

  This seemed to have an effect on Sass that was usually reserved for deer trying to cross the road while a car barreled down the blacktop towards them with headlights bright and horn blaring. He looked at me tying to figure out how on earth he was supposed to respond to what I had just said. I took his moment of pause to push forward.

  “But to answer your question Sass, yes, I am saying we are going to be okay. This world that you keep comparing our current situation to doesn’t exist anymore. It isn’t fair for you to keep trying to relate our circumstances to it. It’s like saying that we are screwed because our life is nothing like Brandon and Kelly’s on Nine Oh Two One Oh. However, if you look at the world as it is now and the set of circumstances that we are dealing with then yes, I think everything will be fine. We still have the dump truck. We still have a decent amount of fuel left. Maybe we can find another vehicle at the crossroads. We still have plenty of options. We aren’t beat just yet.”

  Sass sat there for a moment longer staring at me with that look of disbelief on his face before he finally spoke.

  “Seriously? You watched that show?”

  My smile returned, “Shut up Sass, Kelly was one hot momma.”

  “I always figured you for a Brenda guy.” Sass said off handedly.

  “No way, she always seemed too smug for me.”

  A loud bang echoed through the cab of the dump truck, and at first I thought that Amanda had finally lost it and capped one of the crazies, but then I realized that she was just banging on the roof of the cab telling us to get a move on.

  Sass put the truck back in gear and began to roll. We didn’t stop again until we saw the intersection of the Gray crossroads. Even if the gas station had not been engulfed in flames, I doubted that we would have been able to get the dump truck over to the pumps. The amount of wreckage clogging up the intersection was on a level usually reserved for epic summer blockbusters. This made the bridge look like a fender bender. Sass let the dump truck coast to a stop and then put it in park as he took it all in.

  “Well, looks like we walk from here.” He said.

  I looked over at Sass for a moment, “Honestly Sass, it would be awesome if you would pick one mood and keep with it. These swings of yours from hopelessness to optimism to pissed off to humorous is starting to wear me down. Every new thing that happens has you reacting to it like you’re the human version of the magic eight ball. You shake for a minute then whatever the cube in your head says is how you react.”

  “Sorry Charlie. I’m trying my best to handle all of this nightmarish crap that I never imagined I would experience. It kind of makes it hard to stay consistent.”

  Amanda tapped on my window and smiled at me as I opened the door.

  “The conversation you two are having is truly a nail biter, but we need to get moving before I shoot Billy Badass in the head.”

  “Why do you think I left you back there with them?” I asked.

  “If you’re serious we can go do this right now. All he’s done since you left is tell me all the various ways he’s going to kill zombies. I swear I almost dumped him over the side at one point.”

  Sass turned the engine off and threw the keys on the dash. “Well you might as well tell them to come on down. We’re not going to be able to go any further in this truck.”

  Amanda disappeared again as I started studying our surroundings. The intersection was a mess. The woods that had bordered the road from the airport thinned here at the intersection and created an open area where you could see for a good distance. Across the intersection was the road which led into Gray. The trees gave way to farm land here and you could see quite a bit of the fields before the land once again surrendered to the trees that always framed our surroundings. To the right was the road into Kingsport and the few businesses that were out here on the outskirts. Across the road on the Kingsport si
de of the intersection was the strip club called the Mouse’s Ear. Directly across the road from the strip club was the raging fire that used to be a gas station. To our left the road went beside the gas station and ran towards Johnson City.

  The woods returned with a vengeance as you went towards Johnson City. This was not a good thing as the road sloped in that direction allowing the gasoline that had made it to the street to run down the road and into the trees. A forest fire was in its infant stages as we arrived at the crossroads. I could tell that it was going to get bad, and most likely miles of the surrounding woods and homes were going to burn unless rain moved into the area very soon. Another bad thing this fire did was force us towards Gray and the interstate, which was nearly the last place I wanted to go. However, if the choice was either the interstate or the time bomb which was Kingsport I would happily choose the interstate. The best news was there were very few zombies milling around the wreckage, which surprised me with this many cars piled up.

  “It looks safe.” Sass said, snapping me out of my daze.

  “I think it’s the fire.”

  Sass looked out the window again then looked back at me.

  “Seriously. We already know that they are drawn to movement and sound, right?”

  “Yeah, we’ve seen that a couple times.” Sass said.

  “Well the fire has both, the flames dancing around and the roar of the gasoline burning up. I bet they’re walking right into it. It’s ingenious actually. That is if it was done on purpose.”

  “Yeah, but if what you say is true then every zombie for five miles is going to be heading this way. When they see us I’m betting they are going to forget about that bonfire.” Sass said.

  “He has a point, we need to get moving.” Amanda said as she passed by. She was already walking towards the intersection with the crazies in tow.

  I hopped down and Sass, Big Lou, and I took up the rear position of the last parade Gray would ever see.

  I had stopped paying attention to my immediate surroundings, the flames kept drawing my attention. This left me completely unable to help Sass as we passed the fire truck.

  I did my best to yell a warning but nothing came out. My mind screamed at my legs to move. but I just stood there, frozen.

  In slow motion I saw the fire truck door pop open. I saw the body emerge from the truck and begin to tumble out. I watched as Sass noticed it a second too late to stop himself from being in its path.

  Terror gripped my heart as I watched the body grab Sass in what would seem as much like a hug as a tackle. The collision knocked Sass off his feet as they both crashed into the wreckage on Sass’s right then spun to the side as they fell to the ground in a twisted heap.

  C H A P T E R S I X T E E N

  The movie “Fifty First Dates” is about a girl who forgets the day’s events as she sleeps and starts each new day fresh as if it were her father’s birthday from like ten years ago. Everyday they wake up and do his birthday all over again exactly as they have done it every day since the accident that made her have this condition. This gets blown completely out of the water when Adam Sandler’s character meets said woman and decides he wants to win the limbo contest with her. I’m speaking figuratively here, stay with me. I saw this movie for two reasons. There is the fact that Adam Sandler movies are almost always awesome, as long as it isn’t that crapfest “Punch Drunk Love.” Also there is the fact that Drew Berrymore plays the girl, and although I am sure she doesn’t know it yet, she is my future wife. I refuse to accept that she may be a zombie now.

  As I watched the body of the fire truck man tumble to the ground I was gripped with a new found desire to be like the girl in that movie. To wake up everyday in this zombie hell and not remember the friends who have died, the family that has been lost, or the pain that you have been made to endure. The freedom of simply trying to survive everyday without the baggage of hurt that comes with that survival.

  I didn’t want to face what was about to happen to my friend. I didn’t want to watch Sass slowly die and turn into a zombie. I didn’t want to tell Amanda to blast him in the forehead as soon as he closed his eyes and his breathing stopped.

  Amanda had heard the crash behind her. She spun around pulling her pistols out and tracking the movement. My hope was now completely riding on her ability to blast the fire truck man before he could have a bite of Sasquatch meat, but Amanda didn’t fire. I realized that I could hear a voice yelling out, “Don’t shoot, I’m not one of those things!”

  From out of the fire truck came another voice, “Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot!”

  Amanda kept her pistols trained on the guy as Sass stood up and then helped the man to his feet.

  “You just scared the hell out of me.” Sass said through his laughter.

  “Sorry man; my foot got caught on something in there as I was trying to climb back out.” There was a pause as a half naked woman came crawling out of the fire truck. After she was on the ground, the fire truck man continued speaking.

  “I’m Shawn and this is Veronica."

  Shawn would be in his late teens or early twenties. He was a skinny kid with shaggy pitch black hair. He looked like he should be at home writing bad poetry in his journals about how all life is pain. I got tickled at this thought because this would be the perfect day to write bad poetry about how life is pain. I was thinking back to one of the Behind the Music episodes I had watched about Green Day and realized that this kid looked very much like the lead singer in their early years. The only thing that was missing was the black eye liner. The kid was wearing black pants and a blazing red Pizza Hut shirt. It was apparent that he had either been at work, or going to work, when the world ended. He smiled at me as I was giving him the once over and I smiled back as my gaze shifted over to Veronica.

  Veronica was much more fun to look at. She was what the older guys call “easy on the eyes.” Even taking into consideration the fact that Veronica looked like she had just rolled out of bed, she was giving Amanda a serious run for the survivor hottie of the year. Her hair was mussed up like she had just been spat out of a tornado and she was wearing little to no makeup. But between her body, which curved in every right place, and the huge blue eyes that she was staring at me with you really noticed nothing else about her.

  Then there were the clothes that she was wearing. I’m not sure what she had planned to do today, but her current outfit was not going to help lower the danger level she would be living under while on her walk to Johnson City. First off, she was barefoot. Beyond that she had on a pair of shorts which would make what the waitresses wear at Hooters look completely reasonable. Over the shorts hung a button up shirt that was more unbuttoned than buttoned. It gave confirmation to the thought that underneath that shirt there wasn’t a bra waiting to be unfastened. The shirt was red flannel, and I could feel little tingles moving up my back as I watched it shift and ride across her dark skin. As she stepped out of the fire truck she walked over to where Sass, Shawn and I were standing and put her hand on my shoulder.

  “We really need some help.”

  She had leaned forward as she was speaking making the shirt fall just a bit more open and giving Sass and myself a complete view of what the good lord had given her, and let me make this clear, she had won the body lottery.

  I had to admit whatever this woman did for a living had taught her how to control people, men in particular. She looked to be in her mid twenties at the oldest, but she knew how to manipulate people as expertly as someone twice her age.

  I was enjoying the opportunity to look down her shirt, but I also knew that if they were to join us, we needed to find her a change of clothes as fast as we could. What she was wearing was going to get her killed. This led to me doing something that I never thought I would do; I encouraged a woman to put more clothes on.

  “Of course you can come with us.” I put both my hands on her shoulders and straightened her up which made the shirt fall back to her body.

  “You don’t have to
do that to convince us. You don’t have to try and play us. We are happy to help.” I said.

  I reached down and started buttoning her shirt back up. She watched my hands move down her body initially and must have thought I was going to do something else because she looked up at me with a surprised expression as I started buttoning her shirt. I’m not sure what she thought I was going to do to her, but she also was making no move to stop me.

  “The first thing we need to do is find you some clothes. What you’re wearing isn’t going to provide much protection if we get attacked. We need to find you some pants and most importantly we need to find you some shoes.”

  Once Veronica’s shirt was buttoned, she stepped to the side and I was able to shoot a look over to Amanda and the Craigs. Amanda gave me a look that said, “Enjoying yourself?” I smiled my answer to her before walking over to Sass.

  “Dude, seriously, I thought you were gone.”

  “You’re not the only one,” Sass said dropping his volume a little lower than normal. “Way too close. We have to pay more attention.”

  “My thoughts exactly. I’m glad you’re not a brain muncher, but I think it would be best if we didn’t linger here any longer than necessary.”

  “I agree,” Amanda said walking up to us. “We are not safe by any means.”

  The only concession I had to make me feel safe was the fact that Big Lou was not barking. He had disappeared between the cars and I am sure he was busy sniffing out some treasure hidden in the wreckage. I myself began to look around the intersection trying to figure out what would be a good path for us to take now that we had no choice but to go through Gray.

  I couldn’t help but be drawn to the gas station fire. The blaze took center stage over everything else. I couldn’t seem to take my eyes off the flames. It’s hard to describe how impressive the sight was. We were on the far side of the intersection and could still feel the heat. Shawn noticed that I was looking at the fire and walked back over to stand beside me.