A Good Distance From Dying

by David Carroll

  While thinking things out I was working further and further towards unconsciousness. I was almost completely out when I heard a voice outside my tent.

  “Charlie? Charlie, are you still awake?”

  I pulled myself back up into the world trying to place the voice. It was a woman’s voice, but still being half asleep, I couldn’t figure it out beyond that.

  “Barely. Come on in.” I said.

  The door of my tent zipped the rest of the way open and Veronica stepped in. I was confused by her being here. I had figured it would be Amanda with some idea about what we needed to do tomorrow. But instead of tomb-raider being in my tent, I had our own southern belle.

  “What ya’ll be a need’n Honey Bear?” I said. Veronica smiled at this.

  “Nutten Punkin.”

  She stopped and turned to zip the door closed behind

  her.

  “Leave it open at the bottom. Big Lou may need to go

  out.” I said and she nodded. After zipping the tent up, she

  walked over and sat down on the sleeping bag beside me. “What’ve you got on your mind?” I asked.

  “I was thinking about Daniel and Judy. I was thinking

  about how they died. About why Daniel died. I don’t

  understand it.”

  “What about it has you stumped?” I asked.

  “He knew that she was going to die. He could see that

  she was dying in front of us. He refused to believe, even when

  she told him. Then after she turned he wanted to kill Amanda

  for putting that bullet in her head. I saw his face. If he could

  have gotten his hands on her, he would have done everything

  he could to rip her into small bite sizes pieces. I just don’t

  understand what would make him refuse to see reality and put

  us all at risk. What would make him force his own death? I’ve

  gone over and over this in my head trying to figure out what led

  to all of that, but I can’t.”

  “It’s simple; he loved her.”

  “Love wouldn’t make you act that way.”

  “Love and loss mixed together is a pill so bitter that I

  don’t think it can be swallowed. Daniel and Judy had lost

  everything during the course of the day. Both of their kids and

  both of her parents were taken in one horrible moment. They

  were still numb and hurting from that when Judy was infected,

  and Daniel couldn’t accept it. He had lost everything that he

  had loved and now the only thing he had left was about to be

  taken away as well. I think the trauma was just too much for him. I think there at the end he snapped. I don’t think there was

  even a piece of him at that point that was like the real Daniel.” “At one point you said that you thought everything

  Daniel had done during the day he had done to try to protect

  Judy. Do you still believe that?”

  “Absolutely. I know I said differently towards the end,

  but I was wrong. I was mad and said things that I really didn’t

  believe. I think all he wanted was to find a place where the two

  of them could live together and never be put in danger again. I

  think deep down he knew if Judy was taken from him that his

  world would crumble and fall. I think Judy knew this too.” “That’s why she wanted him to stay at Gray.” “Exactly.”

  “Do you think he hated you?”

  “No, he hated my position. Had it been Sass leading us

  instead of me he would have acted the same way towards him.

  He hated the fact that he wasn’t in charge because only by

  being in charge could he ensure Judy wouldn’t be put at risk.” “It’s just hard to believe that he thought he couldn’t

  exist without her.”

  “Have you ever been in love?”

  She had been looking down at the sleeping bag, but her

  head shot up to look at me as I asked this. She seemed to

  appraise me for a minute before asking.

  “Have you?” she asked.

  “I’ve had the school crushes. You know the whole ‘why

  can’t she just notice me’ loves that you never act on and deep

  down you know would never work even if you did get a shot.

  I’ve dated here and there and even had one or two long

  relationships but true love? I can’t say that I’ve walked that

  road.”

  She nodded at my answer, “I guess my answer would be

  the same. I seem to always go after the guy that seems good on

  the outside, but once you get to the chewy center, you find out

  that he is rotten at his core.”

  I nodded at her. “I know it’s hard to understand why

  Daniel did what he did if you have never felt what he was

  feeling.” I said.

  “Do you think it would even be worth it? It seems that

  love should be considered a weakness or a liability now. Why

  would I want to experience something that could hurt me so

  much?”

  She sounded like a woman that was trying to convince

  herself, or have somebody else convince her one way or

  another. She had come to me to help her find her heart or

  maybe help her find her soul. Had today been so bad that she

  was questioning everything?

  “Jack taught me something tonight, not long after you

  all went to bed. He taught me that you have to take the good

  with the bad. That you have to give yourself credit for the

  things you do. You have to believe in yourself and your abilities

  and never sell yourself short. The same can be said for love. If

  you deny yourself the ability to love and care for someone then

  you will never feel that pain, but you will never feel the

  happiness that it can bring as well. You will never feel empty,

  but you also never feel whole. You’ll never cry, but you’re never

  going to laugh about those secret, private jokes that you only

  find with long time friends and people in a relationship. You

  will never have that person to comfort you, but you will always

  feel alone. And I think that in this world we need all the

  comforting we can get. Turning your back on experiencing that

  is only going to hurt you in ways we can’t even imagine. Finding

  love isn’t going to make you weaker. I truly believe that experiencing the good to come from it will only make you stronger and give you an opportunity to find some joy in a

  world that is now very lacking of that particular emotion.” She smiled at me. Her face looked much warmer than it

  had when she had come in. It seemed as though much of the

  worry had left her during our talk.

  “Thanks, Charlie. I’m glad you’re the one in charge.” “Why’s that?”

  “Well, Jack and Amanda may seem like the logical

  choice, but they are too strict with their emotions. Amanda

  more so than Jack. I don’t think they would be able to look at a

  situation with the emotional attachment that you seem to find

  naturally. Sass would make a good leader if he understood how

  this world works, but he turns a blind eye to that in favor of

  trying to make the old rules fit. That’s like trying to fit a square

  peg in a round hole. Shawn and myself, we’re lost. We’re doing

  the best we can to just keep our breath. But you, Charlie? You

  got us here. You took us by the hand and led us to safety. You

  did exactly what you said, and you did it even when everything

  in front of us sa
id that we would never make it. I was laying in

  my tent thinking about you and about the weight of all the

  decisions you had to make today. I felt bad for you. I thought

  that you would be in here thinking about any wrong decisions

  you may think you made. Thinking about Judy and Daniel.

  Thinking about Jim.”

  Jim. Yeah, I think about him a good deal. The kid that I

  scared so badly that he ran blindly into his own death. The boy

  that said I was just like the King of Gray. When I close my eyes I

  can still see him hanging from the shattered window with

  blood gushing down the front of him. In my visions, though, the

  glass never breaks. He never falls from sight. He hangs there

  forever and the blood never quits gushing.

  “I laid there a long time wanting to come over here and

  talk to you about this. I wanted to hear your thoughts about

  Judy and Daniel. I wanted to see if you still believed there could

  be love in this world. I wanted to hear what our leader thought

  had led Daniel to his death. I wanted to know because I

  thought you needed to talk to somebody about it as much as I

  did.” She looked down at the sleeping bag again before she

  continued. “I also had a second reason for wanting to talk to

  you about this, but I’m not sure how to tell you.”

  She grew quiet and I thought that she was still upset

  about something. For a moment I considered reverting back to

  the hill people talk and calling her Honey Bear again, but then

  thought better of it. She was still looking down.

  “Whatever reasons you have Veronica, just know that

  there is no problem that we can’t work out. You can tell me

  whatever you need to.”

  She leaned forward quickly and placed a hand on each

  side of my face before kissing me. I was dumbfounded by this.

  Part of my mind was screaming “YES!” but some other part of

  my mind was trying to analyze what was going on. That part of

  my mind was still trying to figure things out when she pulled

  away from me.

  “I don’t know how I feel about you, Charlie. I’m not sure

  if it’s love or not, but I think I would really like to find out.” She

  said this softly, and this time her eyes didn’t look away from

  mine. Her moment of quiet deliberation was over and she was

  now pursuing what it was she wanted and was not one bit

  ashamed. I felt such jealousy of her determination and the

  belief she had in herself. Having a long history of being shy and

  never acting on my own desires caused me to have enormous

  respect for her and for what she was doing. But the part of my

  mind still wanted to analyze everything. “Why is she doing this? Is she only after you because she knows you’re the man with the power? Does she really want you or does she just want whoever is in charge? She couldn’t possibly want you, just look at you. Who would ever want you when they could have Sass, or Shawn, or even Jack? There has to be more to this than she’s

  telling you.”

  This was the voice of the walls I used to live my life

  defined by and confined within. This was the voice of the

  limitations that Jack had helped me see through earlier tonight.

  These were the voices of my fears and insecurities and I refused

  to listen to them anymore. Veronica was looking at me and I

  smiled at her. Her own smile bloomed on her face. I reached

  out and took hold of her shoulder pulling her back towards me

  and kissed her again.

  After we had finished what it is that the good lord

  intends for men and women to do together in a closed up tent,

  I was still wide awake. I looked over and saw that at some point

  Big Lou had gotten up and went outside. I wondered if we had

  been too noisy for him. Then I felt concern at the thought of

  being too loud. Did the others hear us? If so, what would they

  be thinking? I choked back a laugh as I thought they were

  probably thinking I was a very lucky guy.

  As quietly as I could, I slid out from under her and pulled

  my clothes back on before leaving the tent. I wanted to see

  where Lou had disappeared to and I wanted to watch the world

  as it slid past us in the night. I grabbed one of the chairs that

  sat by our computer and carried it over by the front of the

  building. From here I could see a good portion of State of

  Franklin road. I could see K-mart twinkling off in the distance. I

  could see the businesses sloping down the hill towards the

  main road. All seemed peaceful. It seemed like a normal night.

  That was until you made yourself look a bit closer. Small dark shapes were moving in the night. They were still out there; they would always be out there. This was the state of the world. I could hear some random line from a TV show or maybe a movie that I had seen at some point in my life. The voice said, “Dog will hunt.” I made a grab at where that line had come from, but came up empty. It didn’t matter; what mattered was the dogs were indeed hunting tonight. They were always hunting now. These dogs didn’t get tired and they didn’t lose the scent. The lights in the homes and businesses were still illuminating the dark world of night. I figured when the power eventually did stop that this entire hillside would be lost in the darkness. Once the power went out we would truly be in the new world. We are just now in the transition period, all the danger with some of the comfort of home. We can still cook our food and watch our TV and play on our computer, but that

  won’t last forever.

  As I was thinking this Big Lou walked up and licked my

  hand. I patted him on his head as he let out a big yawn. He

  looked out at the world just as I had been doing then looked

  back to me. “You want to know where we stand boy?” I asked.

  Lou shook his body as if he was wet and then he lay down on

  the roof at my feet. I thought back to the State of the Union

  speeches that the President used to make. If I were president

  and I had to give that speech tomorrow what would I say? How

  would I try to give comfort and inspiration to the remaining

  citizens of my country that were scared and in hiding? How

  would I tell them that hope was not lost? Big Lou was looking

  at me, and I smiled at him. “You want to hear what I would tell

  everyone tomorrow?”

  Big Lou barked once and I figured that meant, “Yes, get

  your speech on master.” I like Lou’s style.

  “Ladies and gentlemen, I come to you tonight from the

  still lit mountains of northeast Tennessee. I know you are

  curious about where we stand. I know you have questions

  about how to move forward. What is the government planning

  to do to help you survive this situation? Tonight, I tell you that

  our union may be wounded, we may have seen better days, but

  our nation is still strong. These invaders are like nothing we

  have ever faced before. We’re not under attack by some force

  of evil hidden away in the shadows or behind the safety of their

  armies. We face our mothers, our fathers, our children and

  friends. Never before have we faced a challenge like the one we

  face now. We must put all of our fears behind us. We must

  stand strong in the face of a reality that, I am sure at times you

  will find too much to bear. We
will not only face this challenge,

  but we will overcome our adversaries no matter whom they

  may be. We will take back our country. We will retake our world

  and our way of life. This is the state of the world as I know it. It

  is scary, but it is not a problem that is insurmountable. Our

  enemies are not stronger than us. Our enemies are not smarter

  than us. It will take time. It will take patience, and it will take

  sacrifice, but we will prevail in this struggle and we will retake

  our country.”

  I Looked at Lou, “Thank you and good night.” Lou yawned at me. I laughed. “I guess it’s a good thing

  that I’m not the president if I can’t even keep a dog from

  yawning at my speech.”

  Lou raised his head and looked off into the distance.

  Standing up he looked at me and walked back to the tent. He

  looked at the tent door then back to me again. That’s when I

  heard the first rumble of thunder. Lou was still looking at me. “You’re right. I’m coming.”

  I took the chair back to the tent, put the laptop under

  the desk, and placed the box that Jack had used to carry it to

  the roof over it. If it did rain, I hoped that these precautions

  would help keep it from getting ruined. Lou still stood at the

  door watching me.

  “I’m coming Lou, I swear.” I said as I walked back

  towards the tent. I stopped and looked at the intersection

  where the mob had been. A few bodies still wandered around

  in the lights of the interstate. Looking at my watch I could see

  that it was nearly two in the morning. The tired feeling was

  coming back again and I thought that this time I would be able

  to go to sleep without much trouble at all. The zombies had

  been in my life for around seventeen hours at this point. I had

  taken part in something that I would have never imagined

  possible and I had come out on top. Looking out at the world

  around me I wondered how many people were still scared out

  there. How many were fighting for their lives as I stood here?

  How many people were infected? How many were kneeling on