A Wish Upon the Stars

by TJ Klune

  It struck me then that maybe we needed to have a talk about that.

  But before I could formulate a course of action (Gary, please don’t say my name while Kevin is tongue-fucking your butthole, thanks, I really appreciate it), there was an unearthly shriek from somewhere in the camp.

  Everyone froze and turned toward the source.

  “Oh no,” I breathed.

  From the barn came a blinding burst of light and, inexplicably, the strong odor of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, which probably meant that Gary had shit himself. Unicorns were fascinating creatures that tended to make gross things smell like a kindly grandmother’s kitchen. I once stumbled upon him and Tiggy planning on selling Gary’s poop for profit, trying to say that a unicorn’s feces had magical medicinal purposes. Somehow they’d roped me into the whole thing (“Just think about it, Sam! We’ll call it Gary’s Mystical Magical Wonder Shit and will make a fortune!”), but Morgan had discovered us hand-feeding Gary large quantities of fibrous foods and had quickly put the kibosh on the whole thing. (“Just think about it, Morgan. We’ll call it—” “No, Sam.”) But that had been so long ago, when we were younger and more foolish.

  (It was two days before Justin had been kidnapped by Kevin.)

  (I often did things I regretted later.)

  “Maybe I didn’t think this through as well as I should have,” Randall said with a frown.

  “GWAAAAHHHH!” Tiggy bellowed.

  “Probably not,” I said weakly. “Whatever you do, don’t run. A unicorn’s vision is based on movement.”

  “Isn’t that what all vision is based on—”

  There comes a time in every young wizard’s life when he has a unicorn best friend named Gary who bursts out from a barn in a makeshift camp looking majestic as all fuck. It’s part of growing up.

  And Gary did not disappoint.

  He leapt into view, white coat practically glowing (or actually glowing, I wasn’t quite sure), his mane billowing around him like the gods themselves were sending a wind just for him. His head was held high, and one leg was raised out in front of him, bent at the knee.

  “What is he doing?” Randall asked.

  I sighed. “He’s posing. I swear, that unicorn. He gets it from Ryan. Or Ryan gets it from him. Either way, it’s a vicious cycle.”

  “And is he… singing?”

  I sighed harder.

  I didn’t think singing was the right word for it. Yes, his mouth was open, and yes, he was making a noise that I assumed was his impression of an angelic choir, but then in all the years I’d known Gary, I’d learned that whether you wanted it to happen or not, unicorns tended to surprise you.

  “Ooooh,” the crowd said.

  “Yes,” Gary said, puffing his chest out farther. “Ooooh is right.”

  A large shadow fell on the crowd from a creature circling overhead. People shouted and scattered as Kevin landed, kicking up dirt and grass. “My love!” he cried. “I felt something that I’ve never felt before! While I was flying high above Camp HaveHeart—which I do believe we all agree should be renamed Camp DragonCorn in honor of our epic love—protecting you and the little tiny bugs known as humans from any danger that would dare show its face, a shock of great power rolled its way through me! It was the strangest thing, but it felt familiar to me, like I had once been inside of whoever the power belonged to. So there is a chance that one of my exes is here, and I ask that you don’t fight over me, even if you feel the need to cover the both of you in oil and wrestle. I shan’t allow it.”

  “I can’t believe he’s one of the dragons that are supposed to help save the world,” I muttered.

  “These are your friends,” Randall added unnecessarily, because he was an asshole.

  “Oh please,” Gary said with a delicate sniff, still somehow maintaining his magnificent pose. “If one of the disasters of your past dared to show their face in my presence, they would be overcome by the glory that is me and flee in shame that they ever tried to look you back up because they’d randomly been thinking about you the other day and wanted to check in and see how you were doing.”

  “Yes, exactly,” Kevin said, tail twitching like it did when he was starting to get worked up. Someone needed to put a stop to this before it escalated. There were children present. Poor, innocent children who believed unicorns were pure. “I am so glad you agreed to move beyond trial reconciliation to the We’re Back Together stage of our relationship.”

  “He capitalized that,” I whispered to Randall. “So you know it’s true.”

  “I absolutely do not care.”

  “I know,” Gary said to Kevin. “You’re very lucky that I’ve decided to forgive you for your egregious transgressions that I don’t exactly quite remember.”

  “It because Kevin put his name first,” Tiggy said, coming out of the barn.

  “Et tu, Tiggy!” Kevin hissed.

  “Gesundheit,” Tiggy said.

  “I don’t have time for your fallacies!” Gary cried. “My horn is here!”

  The crowd gasped dramatically.

  Kevin brought a clawed hand to his throat. “My word.”

  “For true?” Tiggy asked.

  “Yes, kitten. For true. Which means someone in this camp has kept it from me and therefore betrayed me! And I will have my revenge.”

  As one, the crowd took a step back.

  “Oh my gods,” I said to Randall. “He knows we have it and is just being dramatic. You have to hide it. Put it back in the bag! For the love of all that’s holy, Randall, put it back in the fucking bag.”

  “Eh,” Randall said. “I’d rather see how this plays out. Catch.”

  And then he tossed the horn at me.

  My life flashed before my eyes.

  I’d had a lot more sex with a hot knight than I thought.

  Which, you know. Was pretty awesome.

  At least I would have that cold and sticky comfort before I died.

  The horn hit me in the chest, and I fumbled with it before I wrapped my hands around it.

  Gary’s head snapped in my direction.

  His eyes narrowed.

  His nostrils flared.

  “Sam,” he growled.

  “Holy fucking balls of shit!” I squeaked as he began to charge toward me.

  But before he could crush me under his considerable weight (something I learned never to say to his face, for fear of castration), another voice snapped, “Gary Matthias Pontificus Esmerelda Juanita Lopez Alabaster Kennedy the Fourth!”

  He stopped, dust swirling around him.

  I blinked, unsure if I had died yet.

  And then Gary’s brother burst through the crowd, an irritated look on his face. He stalked toward Gary, eyes narrowed. Gary glanced back at Terry, then at me, then at Terry again, prancing in place like he couldn’t keep still, his Glitter Rage flowing from him.

  “Just what do you think you’re doing?” he asked Gary as he came to stand at his brother’s side.

  “My horn!” Gary cried. “Sam has my horn. He stole it from me, and I will crush him and then stuff his twitching remains with blueberries.”

  Terry cocked his head in confusion.

  “He’s allergic to blueberries. He’ll go into anaphylactic shock, his face swelling and throat closing, and then he’ll die.”

  “Whoa,” I breathed. “That’s diabolically detailed. And your full name is ridiculous, FYI.”

  “Sam is your friend, though I don’t understand why.”

  “He wants to sex up Ryan,” I told Randall.

  “Of course he does,” Randall sighed.

  “But—but my horn,” Gary whined.

  “I can see that. And even though he is completely underwhelming, do you really think he’d keep something like that from you?”

  “I always knew he was a shifty-eyed little beast,” Kevin told a random man in the crowd, who appeared as if he was quite terrified of dragons.

  “He’s got Glitter Rage Sickness,” Terry said, sounding bo
red.

  “I will eat the flesh from your bones,” Gary growled at me, eyes flashing.

  “Eep,” I said, because being threatened by a unicorn would always be petrifying.

  “Glitter Rage Sickness?” Randall asked as if he had all the time in the world.

  Terry shrugged. “It happens when a unicorn gets really worked up and won’t listen to reason. He can’t stop leaking glitter, and it’s fogging up his mind. All his good feelings and inner sunshine are buried in the stuff.”

  “Unicorns are so stupid,” I said.

  And then Ryan, sword drawn, came into view, followed by pretty much everyone else I knew. His gaze flew from Gary to Terry to Tiggy to Randall before it locked on me. He gave Gary a wide berth before he hopped over the railing fluidly like the douchebag that he was. Terry sighed dreamily at the sight of it, and I promised myself that if I lived past the next five minutes, I was going to have to have some words with that unicorn about stepping off from my man. I started to formulate a plan where I would somehow get Terry and Justin on a date where they’d fall in love and have what I assumed would be disgusting and tender interspecies sex when Ryan said, “Is that Gary’s horn?”

  “Oh dear,” my mother said. “This certainly is a tense situation. Is anyone drawing a picture of this? I’d like a copy for my scrapbook.”

  “Looking good, son!” Dad called out. “Maybe stand a little taller and look a little less like you’re about to vomit.”

  “Thanks, Dad,” I said meekly, squaring my shoulders, because he was right. I was a man, and I’d take it like a man.

  “Filthy creatures,” Vadoma muttered as she stood next to my parents.

  “Is this what the camp is usually like?” the King asked. “Because if it is, I really missed out, being in the dungeons.”

  Justin sighed. “Would it surprise you to know that it was actually pretty normal until Sam came back?”

  “Not in the slightest,” the King said fondly.

  “Okay, Gary,” Terry said. “Why don’t we let Sam explain why he has your horn, and if it’s for an innocuous reason, then great. If not, then we can trample him to death.”

  “Yesss,” Gary hissed in a strange voice. “He has it. Gives it to us, precious.” He coughed, clearing his throat. “I mean, yes, please, Sam. Please explain why you are holding my horn before I take your life—I mean, so I can hear you out as the friend that I am.”

  “I love you guys,” Tiggy said happily.

  Everyone turned to look at me.

  “Um,” I said.

  They waited.

  I glanced at Randall.

  He grinned at me, motioning for me to continue.

  I hated him with every fiber of my being.

  So I decided to throw him under the carriage. “Randall had it!”

  Randall rolled his eyes.

  “That’s impossible,” Gary said. “I sniffed him when you came back. And even though I wanted to demand he tell me where it was, I allowed you to have your talk with him. Well guess what, Sam? The time for words is over. We’re about to throw down. Fight me!”

  “This is so erotic,” Kevin said to the Foxy Lady Brigade, who looked as if they might agree. Well, most of them did, anyway. Lady Tina looked as if she had bitten into a lemon and then punched herself in the face.

  “He had covered it in magic cloth,” I said. “That blocked anyone from being able to sense it.”

  “I have no idea what he’s talking about,” Randall said. “Magic cloth? What flights of fancy are these? I’m old and senile and incapable of doing whatever Sam is saying.”

  “Why are you like this?”

  He looked at me blandly. “I’m old, Sam. I’ve earned it.”

  I turned back to Gary. “You know he had it. Terry told you he did.”

  “Wow,” Terry said. “Maybe leave me out of this, huh, Sam? Don’t involve me in your plots against my brother, who I love and respect more than anything—”

  Gary immediately stopped leaking glitter. “Okay,” he said. “Unicorn Rage Sickness gone, because I know Terry is full of shit. Respect? You don’t respect me. Anytime I came over to your house, you made me sit on plastic because you said I would leak semen on all of your furniture!”

  Tiggy snorted but then covered it up with a cough.

  “Maybe you should just give him back his horn,” Ryan whispered.

  “I’m trying. And maybe you should stop flirting with his brother!”

  “I’m not flirting with his brother!”

  “Oh please. I’ve seen the way you look at his haunches when he’s walking away. You know I’m trying to set him up with Justin.”

  “What,” Justin said.

  Ryan looked horrified. “His haunches? Are you out of your mothercracking mind? And when the hell did you tell me you were trying to set him up with Justin?”

  I frowned. “Oh. Wait. I just thought of that like two minutes ago. My bad. But still. You’ve ridden him. I’ve been back for days, and you haven’t ridden me at all!”

  “Well,” Dad sighed to Mom, “at least we can say we tried.”

  Mom squinted at him. “We can?”

  “Maybe we can talk about this later?” Ryan said through gritted teeth.

  “My sex life is doomed,” I moaned.

  “I can help you with that!”

  “Shut up, Kevin!”

  “CAN WE PLEASE FOCUS BACK ON ME!” Gary bellowed, and everyone fell silent. “I mean, it’s not as if we’re talking about my horn or anything, something that I’ve been without for years.”

  “He’s right,” I told Ryan. “Stop flirting with Terry. You’re wasting everyone’s time.”

  “You’re so stupid,” Ryan muttered, glaring at me mutinously.

  I ignored him, because that was what one did when getting insulted. “Gary, you know I wouldn’t keep your horn from you. Dude, I’m actually getting a little turned-on at the idea of you getting it back. I wouldn’t keep that from you.”

  Gary’s eyes filled with tears. “That was the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.”

  “That says a lot about all of us,” Kevin said.

  Tiggy ran his hand over Gary’s mane. “Pretty Gary. You horny for your horn?”

  “A little,” Gary said, sniffling. “And also nervous. I’ve been without it for so long, what if I’ve forgotten how to unicorn?”

  “You can’t make words into verbs just because you want to,” Randall said. “Stop it. All of you need to stop it.”

  “Having a horn doesn’t make the unicorn,” Mom told Gary.

  “Yes,” Dad said. “It’s about what’s on the inside that counts.”

  “And your insides are filled with rainbows and sunshine,” I said. “And also rage, murderous intentions, biting sarcasm that can destroy self-esteem in four words or less, sexual deviancy that puts even whores with the loosest of morals to shame, a tendency to trample first and ask questions later, a fierceness unrivaled by anyone I’ve ever met, and the ability to make any situation that much more awkward by simply existing.”

  “I’m so lovely,” Gary sobbed. “Everyone thinks so.”

  “I love you with or without a horn,” Kevin said. “Also, I like putting things inside of you.”

  “One day,” the King said to Justin, “these will be the people you’ll rule over.”

  Justin scowled at all of us. “Is it too late to be put up for adoption?”

  “Okay,” Gary said, eyes suddenly dry. “I think I’m ready. I had doubts, but then you all talked about how glorious I am—which, honestly, I already knew, but it doesn’t hurt to hear—so now I’m ready to get my horn back.”

  “Okay,” I said, licking my lips nervously. “So, do I just… stick it back on your head?”

  Gary blinked. “I have no idea.”

  Justin groaned. “Seriously? Do any of you know what you’re doing?”

  Gary turned to his Terry. “Do you know?”

  Terry shrugged. “I’ve never been an idiot and l
ost my horn before.”

  Tiggy leaned forward to stare at the nub of bone sticking out from Gary’s head. He frowned for a long moment. Then, “Glue.”

  “Glue,” Gary repeated.

  “Glue. Just glue it.”

  “We’re not going to glue it.”

  Tiggy smiled. “Out of ideas.”

  Randall sighed. “Sam, just… place it atop his head.”

  “Me?” I looked around, but no one else seemed to be offering solutions. “Why me?”

  “You’re a wizard, are you not?”

  “Well, yeah.”

  “Just trust me.”

  “Easier said than done,” I muttered, but stepped off the porch toward Gary.

  And it was in that first step that I felt the horn pulse in my hands, feeling hard and warm and—“This might be a little more sexual than I bargained for.”

  “Would you stop stroking it?” Gary yelped. “You’re embarrassing me!”

  “I didn’t mean to! It’s just so firm!”

  “Would anyone mind if I touched myself inappropriately?” Kevin asked.

  “Yes,” the crowd said.

  Rainbows began to spill from the tip of the horn and splash on my hands, dripping to the ground. I grimaced at the thick consistency of it. “Oh gods, it’s leaking all over me. I’m getting covered in Gary’s rainbows. Dude, gross.”

  Ryan sounded like he was choking behind me. I hoped he was all right.

  Sparks began to shoot from the tip, chartreuse and marigold and seafoam. The horn was getting warmer, and it was beginning to vibrate. I groaned at the sensation, rainbows shooting out and landing on my chest.

  “Yessss,” Kevin hissed. “This is fantastic.”

  “Gary! Maybe not just stand there and come get your fucking horn.”

  “But I’m nervous.”

  “I swear to the gods, I will fucking throw this in the garbage if you don’t get your ass over here!” I gagged as a bit of rainbow got in my mouth. It tasted like freshly baked bread, and all I could do was think of Gary’s bakery menu, and I was traumatized.