Complete Works of J. M. Barrie

by Unknown

  ANDREW (gazing at NANNY). I did — didn’t want to pass.

  (She triumphantly hands him telegram. He looks at it, and slowly his face changes from fear to a transport of delight.) I’ve passed! I’ve passed! Great Scott! I’ve passed! (Falls hysterically into chair and telegram drops on deck. They shake his hand, he jumps up.) I’ve passed! (Runs to top of ladder.) Colonel Neil, I’ve passed. (Runs down ladder.) Ben, I’ve passed! (Rushes through saloon.) Penny, I’ve passed! (Goes into bedroom, dances wildly Highland fling for a moment, and into cabin, and then pulls down blind.)

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. He is off his head. (Sits down and knits.)

  BELL. About a common little medical degree. (Sits and reads.)

  W. G. I hope this won’t spoil his form for the cricket match.

  (Exit.)

  NANNY (lifting telegram). Dear, sweet telegram! (Kisses it, and puts it in her bosom.)

  (BEN and JASPER have been looking quizzically at each other.)

  BEN. You — a colonel?

  JASPER. Go away, Ben.

  BEN. You, Colonel Neil! Read that! (Hands JASPER paper.)

  JASPER. What?

  BEN. Where my thumb is.

  JASPER. Then take your thumb away. (Reading) ‘I am able to announce on the best of authority that Colonel Neil, the African Explorer, has decided to return to Africa immediately. He starts for Zanzibar next week. The gallant Colonel is at present residing with his relatives in Derbyshire.’ (Puts paper in his pocket, with an alarmed look round.) Well?

  BEN. Well?

  JASPER. Well?

  BEN. Well?

  JASPER. It’s a mistake, that’s all.

  BEN. What’s a mistake?

  JASPER. Saying I am in Derbyshire.

  BEN. It don’t say that. It says Colonel Neil is in Derbyshire.

  JASPER (weakly). How much, Ben?

  BEN. Ten bob.

  (JASPER rises, sighs, and hands him the money, and exits on to bank, BEN is going off when MRS. GOLIGHTLY comes along deck knitting and speaks to him from top of ladder.)

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. How cool you look, Ben, in this broiling heat.

  BEN. Yes, ma’am, the midges don’t bother me.

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. And I am a martyr to them. I wonder why that is.

  BEN. P’raps you wash your face, ma’am. I don’t. Afternoon, ma’am.

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Take Penny across with you, Ben, as she has to go to the village. (Down ladder into saloon.)

  BEN. Right, ma’am.

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Are you ready, Penny? (Exit.)

  (Enter W. G. through saloon.)

  PENNY. Yes, ma’am.

  (Enters saloon and speaks to JASPER through window.) I am going shopping, sir, is there anything I can get for you?

  JASPER. Ah! (Whispers and hands coins to PENNY.)

  PENNY. Oh! Scotch or Irish, sir?

  JASPER. Scotch.

  (Exit PENNY in punt.)

  W. G. (on deck). You girls, isn’t it time you were dressing for the cricket match?

  BELL. I am dressed, simplex munditiis. (Exit.)

  W. G. Don’t I know girls always have to change their dress before they can do anything?

  NANNY. Well, what shall I wear? I have nothing fit to be seen in. The blue? the pink? the lace? the check?

  W. G. What a lot you have!

  NANNY. I haven’t. All last year’s things — nearly. No, I won’t change my dress, but I must do something to celebrate Mr. McPhail’s success, and I need your help, W. G.

  W. G. Something to do with clothes? (NANNY nods yes.) Look here, if you think I am to let you try your hats on me again, I won’t!

  NANNY. It isn’t that, but in honour of Mr. McPhail’s success I have decided to make my waist smaller.

  W. G. Why, it’s too tight already.

  NANNY. Nonsense — see there — W. G., there’s a darling, pull the belt tighter, won’t you?

  W. G. Balbus! here’s a pin. (Pulls.) How’s that?

  NANNY. Tighter!

  W. G. (putting his knee to her). Iz! iz! iz!

  NANNY. Tighter! (With difficulty) I’m sure I can stand another two inches.

  W. G. Iz! iz! iz! iz! (Lets go.) Now see if you can breathe!

  NANNY (gasping). Qu — quite — quite easily.

  (W. G. exits.)

  JASPER (enters smoking pipe. Gloomily). I’m doing no harm — and yet if they saw that paragraph they would call me an impostor — just because I’m a poor man. I wonder if Sarah went back to London when she couldn’t find me here? Sarah! I am in a mess! When I am in a mess my thoughts turn to Sarah. Sarah is the girl for me, and I’ll have no more dizziness on board this houseboat. (Pulls himself together.) I won’t. (Sits.)

  NANNY (comes down ladder). I feel like a stuffed doll. Papa — mamma — papa — ma — ma — (Sees JASPER and goes out to him on bank.) Smoking again, Colonel?

  (JASPER is about to pocket pipe.)

  Don’t! I like it!

  JASPER. You do? Then perhaps — (Holds out cigarette cast to her. She signs caution, goes on tiptoe to saloon door, looks at MRS. GOLIGHTLY, shuts door, comes back and takes cigarette which he lights for her, sitting on bank.)

  NANNY. I am sure I look horrid!

  JASPER. Beautiful!

  NANNY. Is this the right way?

  JASPER. So exactly right that if I did not know better, I should think you had tried it before.

  NANNY. Never! (Looks suspiciously at him.)

  JASPER (looking sentimentally at NANNY). Miss O’Brien — ah — what a pretty name yours is!

  NANNY. Yes? But I’m getting tired of it.

  JASPER (impulsively). Nanny!

  NANNY (calmly). Yes?

  JASPER. Nanny, I — I — like you.

  NANNY. I am so glad. Isn’t this a lovely rose?

  JASPER. Ah, there are two of you.

  NANNY. Two what?

  JASPER. Two lovely roses. I should like one of them.

  NANNY. Which one?

  JASPER. Ah — ah — this one. (Pointing to rose.)

  NANNY. You can have it. (Gives it to him, putting it in his buttonhole.) How long will you keep it?

  JASPER. Till I die! (Aside) Oh, Sarah, look after me, I’m slipping. (Taking NANNY’S hands.) Nanny, what little hands you’ve got.

  NANNY. Six and a quarter. (He drops hands.)

  JASPER. YOU have little feet too. (She pulls them beneath dress.) Don’t you ever have to light a candle to look for them?

  (Sighs.)

  NANNY. I believe you feel that dizziness again, Colonel. Lean on me.

  JASPER. I feel it coming on again now.

  (JASPER leans on NANNY’S shoulder.) I like being dizzy.

  NANNY. Is that better?

  JASPER. Much. I could do with a lot of this! (Putting fingers through NANNY’S hair.) Lovely hair you have.

  NANNY. Do you think so?

  JASPER (dreamily). What do you use? (Confused) I mean — I was thinking of the way they oil their hair in Africa. Same way as they do the caravan wheels.

  NANNY. Oh, Africa? You must often have felt lonely there.

  JASPER. Very lonely. No ladies’ society.

  NANNY. Dreadful! And a man needs it, doesn’t he?

  JASPER. He do — he does. I missed it so much that when I see a pretty girl now my first impulse is to put my arm round her.

  NANNY. How strange!

  JASPER. All the result of my solitude in Africa. (Puts arm round her.) Nanny, dear Nanny — I can’t help it — I am turned on! — dearest Nanny, will you be my — (Comes to his senses.) Sarah, I’m slipping.

  NANNY. Your —

  JASPER. You little beauty! My wife? (Aside) Sarah, I have slipped.

  NANNY (who has retreated from him — aside). He has said it! I am so glad, for it is nice to be asked. (Loud) Oh, Colonel Neil, I am so sorry. You cannot say that I gave you any encouragement?

  JASPER. No, I’ll take my oath you didn’t.

  NANNY. I never dreamt of this. But you know, I can’
t. Mr. McPhail would be so hurt — not that he has asked me, yet I must say no.

  JASPER (aside). Hurray! Jolly glad of it, got me out of a mess —

  NANNY. Let me be a sister to you.

  JASPER (aside). Capital! She’d make a scrumptious little sister!

  NANNY. I feel so honoured, and of course I won’t tell a soul, so you needn’t go away.

  JASPER (aside). Go away! Why should I go away?

  NANNY. Dear Colonel Neil, I am so sorry to pain you. Do tell your sister that you know she is so sorry.

  JASPER (turning round). My little sister! (Is about to kiss her when she escapes from him and runs into saloon.) I am going it.

  NANNY (at saloon window). I might have let him kiss me. It would please him, and it wouldn’t hurt me. (Looks out.) Colonel Neil, you may.

  JASPER. May I? I will — (They stretch their heads at window, kiss and withdraw heads.) Oh, Sarah, I’ve slipped. Oh, this is better than the shop. (His pipe won’t draw, he blows down it in vain, then puts stem of rose up to clear it, and flings rose away.) Ah, that’s better!

  (Enter MRS. GOLIGHTLY.)

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY (on bank). Colonel, please tell W. G. that I want him to help me to wind this wool.

  W. G. (looking down). Can’t, Mater, it would tire me for the match. (Sits on deck, whittling with knife.)

  JASPER. She’d make a nice sister, too. May I? (Holds out arms.)

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Like playing at scratch cradle — isn’t it. So good of you. (Puts wool on his arms, kneeling on plank, and begins winding it into a ball.) Just think, when I was in the village to-day buying wool I met that woman again.

  JASPER. What woman?

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. The London woman who is looking for a hairdresser. I told you about her coming here nearly a week ago.

  JASPER. She hasn’t gone back to London?

  MRS GOLIGHTLY. NO, she is searching for him still, and she thinks she saw him on the ferry two days ago, but she lost sight of him. (Lets ball fall.)

  JASPER (to himself while picking up ball). I call this persecution, I do. (Gives ball to MRS. GOLIGHTLY, who resumes winding.)

  Perhaps she was mistaken?

  MRS GOLIGHTLY. NO, she recognised him from a distance by a straw hat he was wearing. It was one she had presented to him.

  JASPER. Oh! (He is wearing a straw hat and touches it guiltily.) Did she call him names?

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Yes. (JASPER frowns.) But she wouldn’t let me say a word against him. (JASPER smiles.)

  JASPER. You met her in a shop?

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Yes.

  JASPER. What was she doing?

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Yes, and she seemed on good terms with the shopman. Thank you, Colonel. (Wool is now wound.)

  (Exit MRS. GOLIGHTLY into saloon.)

  JASPER (aside). Sarah carrying on! I can’t abide a woman that carries on. (Enter boat.) I’ll pay her out when I get her alone. And her engaged to me too.

  (Enter punt with PENNY alone.)

  PENNY. I didn’t know you was here, sir. (On plank.)

  JASPER (sighing). No?

  PENNY. You are sighing, sir?

  JASPER. Penny, do you know what it is to be deceived?

  PENNY. Oh, yes, sir.

  JASPER. How did you get over it?

  PENNY. Tried another, sir.

  JASPER. I like you, Penny.

  PENNY. Oh, sir.

  JASPER. YOU would make a nice little sister. Come here.

  (He kisses her.)

  PENNY. Thank you, sir.

  JASPER. It is nothing.

  (Exit PENNY.)

  There is something fascinating about young women, be their station high or low.

  W. G. (at top of ladder). We start in five minutes remember, Bell.

  BELL (enters on deck; — to herself). I will marry the man I ought to love, Colonel Neil, and not Mr. Upjohn, whom I oughtn’t to care a bit about. I will!

  W. G. What did you say? (She does not answer and he looks at her.)

  JASPER. Sarah knew me by my straw hat! (Takes it off, looks guiltily around him, lays it down on plank, takes cap from his pocket and puts it on, sits on bow.)

  BELL. Ah, this is Colonel Neil. (Looks up from book.) ‘ejus leto fiagitium timet—’A man who would rather die than act meanly’ — that must be the man for me.

  W. G. (coming down ladder). I say, Colonel, Bell is a bit queer, isn’t she?

  JASPER. How?

  W. G. I suppose she is brooding about Upjohn. You know they are in a thingummy, and he wanted her to be his what-you-call-it, but they had a tiff, and he went back to London.

  JASPER. She loves this Upjohn?

  W. G. No end.

  JASPER. Are you sure?

  W. G. Rather. (Goes through saloon while JASPER stands reflecting.)

  JASPER. Then I’ll ask her to be my sister — she’s upon deck — the more the merrier.

  BELL ‘Yustum et tenacem propositi virum—’ A loyal man and true’ — Colonel Neil again. Yes, I will love him.

  JASPER (goes on deck). Always with a book in your hand, Miss Golightly.

  BELL. It is Horace.

  JASPER. A cousin of a friend of mine — one of my favourites.

  BELL. I like him too, but don’t you think he is a little —

  JASPER. Well, perhaps just a little.

  BELL. This might be addressed to you. (Reading) Quid terras alio calentes sole mutamus?

  JASPER (aside). This is very awkward. (Aloud) Miss Golightly — Bell — may I call you Bell?

  BELL (starting). Do!

  JASPER (aside). I’ll bounce a bit. (Aloud) Bell, until I met you I never knew what a woman could be.

  BELL (aside). How much nobler than Mr. Upjohn? (To him) What does one mean by an ideal woman? He means — man’s helpmate; not his plaything, his equal in mind — no domestic drudge, no pretty-faced ninny, man’s partner — not his mere housekeeper to be petted by him or bullied by him, a free human being to be argued with, not coerced, a sharer in the responsibilities of government, a thinker, a doer, his equal, in short.

  JASPER (breathlessly). In short.

  BELL. Colonel Neil, I agree with every word you have said.

  JASPER. I haven’t said many.

  BELL (aside). Oh, I must love this man, I must despise the other.

  (W. G. comes to them.)

  W. G. Hi, everybody — time to start. (Gets punt ready, puts cushions in punt.)

  JASPER (looking down). A moment, W. G. Run and play.

  (Turning to BELL) Bell, I love you.

  BELL. NO, no, don’t say that.

  JASPER (aside). It’s all right, she prefers the other chap.

  (Aloud) Bell, will you marry me?

  BELL (swaying and then controlling herself). Colonel Neil, yes, I will. (Rises — gives him her hands impulsively, then runs down ladder steps.) Oh, what have I done? (Turns back.) Don’t mention it to anyone — yet. (Goes into saloon, where she meets MRS. GOLIGHTLY.)

  JASPER (horrified and amazed — in chair). She will! Miss Golightly, come back. It is all a mistake. I was only asking you to be my sister. Whew! I must put a stop to this.

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Bell, Penny is anxious to see the cricket match. Do you think it safe to leave the houseboat without anyone in it?

  BELL (evidently thinking of other matters). Quite safe.

  JASPER. Sarah, I’ll swear I never meant marriage to her.

  W. G. Come on! Colonel, slide down the rope.

  JASPER. Not if I know it — I’m not a slider.

  (MRS. GOLIGHTLY and PENNY take their places in the punt.)

  BELL (at saloon window). Kit, what have I done? (Comes to stern.) You horrid book! (Enters punt, nanny follows with banjo.)

  (Banjo plays, ANDREW pulls up blind, JASPER descends ladder, and BELL signs silence to him by putting finger on her lip. She enters punt, NANNY enters, presses JASPER’S hand significantly, and enters punt, JASPER enters punt, and W. G. is about to punt off.)