Complete Works of J. M. Barrie

by Unknown

  JASPER. She wants to give me up? KIT. Yes.

  JASPER. Say it again.

  KIT. She does not love you.

  JASPER. She told you to say this?

  KIT. Yes.

  JASPER. She loves you.

  KIT. She does. Do you liberate her?

  JASPER. Certainly!

  KIT (grasping his hand, rises). You are a noble fellow.

  JASPER. It is nothing.

  KIT. A hero!

  JASPER. Her happiness is all I think of.

  KIT. NO other person in the boat, I understand, knows of your engagement to her, and you may be sure no one will ever hear of it from me.

  JASPER. Be good to her, Upjohn.

  (Enter saloon.)

  KIT (aside). Poor fellow! (Signs to BELL to come back.)

  JASPER (re-entering saloon). Hurray! That’s all right!

  (Exit.)

  BELL (draws up in punt and boards). What did he say?

  KIT. Behaved magnificently. Bell, you are mine — forgive me for saying ‘mine,’ for it implies ownership. I have thought our quarrel over, and I see that you were right and I was wrong.

  BELL. I am so glad to hear you say that — because it was I who was wrong.

  KIT. My darling! — I beg your pardon!

  BELL. Why?

  KIT. Because you don’t like the word!

  BELL. I think I could get used to it!

  KIT. AS for politics —

  BELL. Let us treat them as if — as if they were logic!

  KIT. And I promise never to call you pretty.

  BELL. Not before the servants.

  KIT. Nor to indulge in this sort of folly! (Kisses her.)

  BELL. Except now and again.

  KIT. Our love shall be an intellectual exercise.

  BELL. Rational and adult!

  KIT. Why should men cease to be reasonable beings when they are engaged?

  BELL. Or women behave as infants?

  KIT. Let it be our part to prove that this is mere convention.

  BELL. As it assuredly is.

  KIT (taking her head in his hands and speaking with great solemnity). Does ‘oo love me, ‘ittle pet?

  BELL (with great solemnity).’Es, me loves ‘oo. Does ‘oc love me? (Nestles closer to him.)

  JASPER (enters saloon). I feel as if I could dance.

  (KIT on plank.)

  (Aside) I’d better go on deck!

  (They turn round.)

  BELL (starting up). Colonel Neil, dear Colonel Neil, oh! I cannot look you in the face!

  JASPER. Ah! (Pulling a long face.)

  BELL. YOU will not leave the houseboat?

  JASPER. Perhaps it would be better.

  BELL. Stay, dear Colonel Neil, and let me be a sister to you.

  (jasper sighs and ascends ladder bell and kit then go on board and sit foot of ladder.)

  JASPER (at top of ladder is swaggering along deck when he sees sarah. He recoils and gasps). S — S — Sarah! (Retreats from her, then goes back on tiptoe.) She’s asleep! She must have come here when we were away. Sarah, I’ll bolt!

  (Hastens to top of ladder and comes to standstill at sight of KIT and BELL.)

  They would see me! They may come on deck at any moment! I can’t get away — and I can’t stay here! I must waken her — but I dare not! She would tell them everything! I must — I mustn’t! (Goes in anguish between SARAH and ladder — groans)

  Oh lor’, what am I to do?

  BELL. Kit, how selfish we are, not giving a thought to Colonel Neil; listen to him on deck in agony — agony I am responsible for!

  KIT. Poor beggar — he is very hard hit!

  BELL. Kit, the least I can do is to be nice to him. I will go up! (Begins to ascend ladder.) Colonel!

  JASPER. She’s coming up. (Gets to top of ladder to prevent her.)

  BELL (stopping on ladder). Dear Colonel Neil, it rends my heart to see you so miserable — for I know the cause!

  JASPER. What — you know?

  BELL. I am the cause!

  JASPER. Oh! You! — yes! BELL. Let me come up and talk to you, dear Colonel Neil.

  JASPER. No — no!

  BELL. You must be wretched up there, all alone!

  JASPER. Alone — ah — yes!

  BELL. YOU look so lonely!

  JASPER. I’m not so — so lonely as I look. I wish I was lonelier — I mean, I want to be left to myself. Go back, Miss Golightly, to Mr. Upjohn, don’t think about me. I — mean I want to be left alone with my misery.

  (She sighs and goes back to KIT.)

  (Looks at SARAH.) My misery! That’s you, Sarah! Why, she’s got my trousers on and my coat and vest neatly folded — careful Sarah! (Stands looking at her.)

  (ANDREW and NANNY in saloon.)

  ANDREW (who has been feeling his pockets excitedly). I have lost the telegram! Left it on deck!

  (Hurries to bow, and is about to ascend ladder.)

  BELL. Don’t go on deck, Mr. McPhail; Colonel Neil is there and he — he isn’t well.

  ANDREW. Not well? Caught a chill? I’ll give him something for it. (Steps on to ladder.)

  JASPER (hearing him and running to top of ladder). You can’t come up here. (Fiercely.)

  ANDREW. I want my telegram!

  JASPER (fiercely). Go away!

  BELL. Mr. McPhail, Nanny has your telegram. I saw her pick it up!

  (NANNY enters from saloon.)

  NANNY. Who is that speaking of me?

  ANDREW (re-entering saloon and shutting door). You have my telegram, Miss O’Brien!

  NANNY. See!

  (Produces it from her bosom.)

  ANDREW. You kept my telegram there! You darling!

  (Embraces her.)

  NANNY. Are we engaged?

  ANDREW. Great Scott! I believe we are! When will it be — next month?

  NANNY. Without a trousseau! It would be a tempting of Providence.

  ANDREW. But to have a wife would help me in my practice. Marry in an old frock, Nanny, and get the trousseau afterwards!

  NANNY. Marry in an old frock! It wouldn’t be legal.

  JASPER (groans). Oh lor’!

  NANNY. But what a shame of us to be so happy, when the Colonel is so wretched. Listen to him on deck!

  ANDREW. That reminds me, Miss Golightly says he isn’t well.

  NANNY. Not well. That is all she knows, Andrew. As you are my affianced husband I may tell you all, but you must never breathe a word of it to the others. (Whispers in his ear.)

  ANDREW. No? (She whispers again.) Poor chap!

  (Whispers) And you preferred me to him? I suppose he is groaning up there because you wouldn’t have him?

  NANNY. Yes, and I am so sorry for him!

  JASPER. Women never could resist me — never!

  KIT. I hear him muttering to himself!

  BELL. A man would not do that who was not suffering deeply.

  (Clock strikes 10.)

  JASPER. Sleep on, Sarah, sleep on! It is only a clock, sleep on!

  NANNY. This year, next year, now, never, etc. Fancy! I have been engaged for five minutes, and I haven’t told Auntie yet. I must!

  ANDREW. And I’ll tell the others!

  (Exit NANNY.)

  Miss Golightly, I have something to tell you that will surprise you very much!

  BELL. Let me guess! You and Nanny are engaged?

  JASPER (looking down). A selfish lot that think of nobody but themselves!

  ANDREW. Yes, but how could you guess it?

  BELL. I am so glad!

  KIT. And I too, old man, and just think — Bell and I —

  ANDREW. Engaged too? I expected it!

  (Turns back into saloon and exits.)

  JASPER (desperately). Miss Golightly, it is getting chilly. I think it’s going to snow — should you not go inside?

  BELL. How thoughtful of you, dear Colonel. You will come too?

  JASPER. Not yet.

  (BELL enters saloon, pulls down front blinds.)

 
JASPER. Mr. Upjohn, why don’t you follow her?

  KIT (reluctantly). I’ll come up and have a chat with you!

  JASPER. No — no! I mean, you would prefer to be with her.

  KIT. Well, Miss O’Brien is getting up a dance, I believe I am needed. You are sure you don’t mind?

  JASPER. Not at all!

  KIT. You are a good fellow!

  (Enters saloon and pulls down blind.)

  JASPER. At last! (Comes half down ladder and peers.)

  Now then for Sarah! (Returns softly to her and wheels chair till it is beneath rope.) The chances are she will fall into the water, but it is your own fault, Sarah, for coming here and putting me in a false position.

  (Music. Dance, JASPER ties rope about chair. Minuet danced in saloon by KIT and BELL, ANDREW and NANNY, during scene on deck. When SARAH is in mid air, cuckoo is heard three times. She wakens.)

  SARAH. What is this — where am I?

  JASPER. That damned cuckoo has awakened her!

  SARAH. You — Jasper!

  JASPER. S — Sarah!

  SARAH. Oh!

  JASPER. Don’t scream, Sarah, or I’ll drop you into the river!

  SARAH. You are murdering me!

  JASPER. Sarah, I saved a swell girl’s life —

  SARAH. You, Jasper!

  JASPER. The way that girl and another one have run after me. Called themselves my sisters.

  SARAH. The hussies!

  JASPER. They are, they are. Why, one of them wanted me to marry her.

  SARAH. Jasper, you had no right to when you were engaged to me — Jasper!

  JASPER. But I refused. And why? Because there’s only one girl for me and her name is Sarah.

  SARAH. Oh, Jasper!

  JASPER. Yes, I trusted you, Sarah, but you don’t trust me; you followed me, and, Sarah, you have been carrying on with a shopman in the village.

  SARAH. No, I swear — nothing to speak of, Jasper.

  JASPER. YOU admit it!

  SARAH. Jasper, forgive me!

  JASPER. Yes, I do forgive you. Now we’ll slip away to London and get married. We’ll have a delicious honeymoon.

  (He lets her down and then descends ladder.)

  SARAH. You are sure you forgive me, Jasper?

  JASPER. My own Sarah, I do! (Kisses her W. G. is heard shouting.) It is W. G. Crawl in here, Sarah.

  (She gets beneath awning.) I can’t untie the ropes.

  W. G. Hi! Hi! Hi! (Comes along bank to NANNY and KIT at windows.) I had him out of the water — a three-pounder, and then the line broke.

  (KIT and BELL come to saloon window, W. G. notices KIT’S arm is round BELL.)

  W. G. Balbus! Why are you doing that, Upjohn?

  BELL. Can’t you understand, W. G.?

  KIT. We are engaged, W. G. — congratulate me!

  W. G. (disgusted). Engaged. Oh, hang it, you’ll be no more use for anything!

  NANNY. And I am engaged to Mr. McPhail, dear, see!

  W. G. You too! What a confounded shame! (Flings down rod in a passion.) Look here, all of you, I had better tell you this at once, if you should have any babies — (They pull down their blinds — W. G. is standing on bank. JASPER cautiously peers round corner at W.G.) or — or that sort of thing, you needn’t expect me to hold the little beggars! (JASPER gets into punt, pushes chair beneath awning of it, pulls down awning so that SARAH is hidden from view, and is about to push off when W. G. crosses plank to stern.)

  W. G. Hullo, Colonel.

  JASPER (meekly). Is that you, W. G.?

  W. G. If you are going out on the river, I’ll come with you!

  JASPER. NO, W. G., I — I — am going away!

  W. G. Why? Because you were bowled for a duck’s egg? Look here, I know why it is. It is because you are disgusted with those asses for going and getting engaged. Well, so am I!

  JASPER. Goodbye, W. G.

  W. G. I say, you are not going to leave me all alone with four engaged people!

  JASPER. I must!

  W. G. Do they know?

  JASPER. NO.

  W. G. I’ll go and tell them! I say, the Colonel says he is going away!

  ALL (blinds up). Going away!

  JASPER. Yes, I — I — I —

  MRS GOLIGHTLY. But why, Colonel Neil?

  BELL (going closer to him). I understand!

  JASPER. You understand — I wish I did!

  NANNY (to ANDREW). DO you not see, he cannot remain here, when I am engaged to another!

  W. G. It is because they are engaged!

  BELL. Hush.

  W. G. But he told me it was!

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY (looking from one to another, and seeing that all seem to understand). Am I to understand, Colonel Neil, that you love —

  JASPER. Yes, that is it. I love her and it is too painful to me to stay on in the circumstances.

  (BELL and NANNY are much affected.)

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. I see — I see!

  JASPER. I shall never forget your kindness!

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. I am so grieved, but perhaps you act wisely in leaving us. If it must be so, Colonel Neil, goodbye!

  (Shakes his hand.)

  JASPER (aside). I’ll get off with a swagger yet! (With emotion) Goodbye!

  (NANNY and BELL break down, BELL goes into saloon.)

  ANDREW (on bow). Neil, (In low voice) Nanny has told me all. Do you return to Africa?

  JASPER. Tomorrow, among elephants and caterpillars!

  (Shakes hands.)

  ANDREW. I want to see you in London, what club do you belong to?

  JASPER. I belong to the Toilet Club.

  (ANDREW goes on deck, W. G. follows.)

  KIT. Colonel, Bell and I look upon you as a brother. Goodbye.

  W. G. I’ll punt you down.

  JASPER. No — no! I mean, I had better go alone. Ben will bring back the punt. Now to escape!

  NANNY (on bank). Colonel!

  (BELL on bank; they both beckon to him, he hesitates.)

  JASPER (aside). Shall I go and kiss them? No! Sarah’s behind! I belong to Sarah! (Waves them goodbye.) I have enjoyed myself — and now for Sarah and the shop!

  (PENNY stands at cabin window. He is now out of sight, distant music plays ‘Home, sweet Home.’ KIT, W. G., and ANDREW continue waving, MRS. GOLIGHTLY, NANNY, and BELL turn and face audience, MRS. GOLIGHTLY in centre.)

  W. G. Hi! Colonel, you’ve left your hat behind!

  JASPER (off). Oh, it’s nothing!

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY (at window). And now, dears, I am dying to know which of you it is!

  (Both press her hands and sigh.)

  Which?

  W. G. (on deck). We don’t even know where to write to him!

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. He gave me his telegraphic address yesterday. Oh, I have lost it! (Runs to back of saloon.) Colonel, what did you say is your address?

  JASPER. What’s my what?

  MRS. GOLIGHTLY. Your address?

  JASPER (off). Walker, London.

  ALL. Walker, London.

  JANE ANNIE

  This comic opera was written in 1893 by Barrie and Arthur Conan Doyle (of Sherlock Holmes fame), with music by Ernest Ford, a conductor and occasional composer. When the Gilbert and Sullivan partnership disbanded after the production of The Gondoliers in 1889, impresario Richard D’Oyly Carte was forced to find new works to present at the Savoy Theatre. Barrie was then a journalist and a novelist with a few popular books to his credit. He had not yet created his classic Peter Pan, and his only stage productions included a biography that closed after one night, a parody of new-to-London Henrik Ibsen, and in 1892 his first real success, Walker, London for Toole’s Theatre. Barrie brought his idea for Jane Annie to D’Oyly Carte, who suggested that Arthur Sullivan collaborate with him, but Sullivan suggested his former pupil Ford, instead. Ford had composed several operettas, including the one-act Mr. Jericho (premiered at the Savoy in 1893). Barrie did not finish the libretto, suffering a nervous breakdown. His friend Conan Doyle was already popul
ar for his Sherlock Holmes mysteries and so he took on the job of finishing the opera.