“You’re a good person, Kathrine,” said Karen in the dark. “And you’re a strong person. You’re always trying to help everyone else; your friends, your family. Anyone you meet, you try and help them. I don’t think of you as someone who doesn’t deserve to be happy.” She shook her head, looking down. “Not at all.”
She held my hand. I sighed, turning onto my side. The pill was starting to calm me down. “I’ve spent my life trying not to dig up old bones,” I said quietly, “or to bury new ones. I’ve tried to live my life above the bones. But I can’t seem to get out of the cemetery. I can’t seem to get away from death. It’s chasing me, and it keeps catching up, Karen. It keeps catching up.”
She played gently with my fingers and told me she’d heard one of the guys say they’d seen a bolt of heat lighting strike real close to the stables. In Nebraska, when it’s hot and dry we get heat lightning, sometimes with thunder, but no rain; a strange, dry, hot bright storm.
I was starting to drift to sleep from the sedative. I was glad to be drifting away; I didn’t want to be up. I didn’t want to get up in the morning. What next? It was just one thing after another, I thought.
“Karen,” I said sleepily. “Will you tell Shay to call my parents and tell them about the horses? Maybe my dad should tell Kelly about Starling. He has a way with her...”
My eyes were closing and I felt myself drifting off. I wanted to go where there were no thoughts, no fires. I slept.
***
I have no idea if Shay came to bed that night. I just know that when I woke up the next morning, he wasn’t in bed. Then I remembered the night before. I didn’t want to get up. I just wanted to stay in bed and take another pill. But I got up. I grabbed my robe and went to the bathroom. I made myself go downstairs, thinking I would force myself to look out of that big kitchen window. I knew what I’d see would break my heart.
Karen and Kevin had already left. There was a pot of coffee on the counter. I got myself a glass of tea out of the refrigerator and found myself walking toward my big kitchen window. I just stood there, looking out. What a smoldering mess.
Shay’s shop had burned to the ground—all his beautiful, hand-detailed cars. You could see the frames of the racecars, all charred. But my eyes kept moving back to the stable. The place where our precious horses had drawn their last breaths. It made my stomach churn to think about. I wanted to throw up.
I heard Shay come in the back door. He had already showered and changed out of his good clothes from the night before. I sat down at the table. Shay walked over and wrapped his arms around me from behind, rocking me back and forth. Then he bent down and kissed my cheek.
“I love you, princess,” he said. “And I’m here. Just lean on me”
Shay was my rock. He always held up for everyone else. After rocking me and soothing me for several minutes, he got himself a cup of coffee and sat down with me at the table. We had only exchanged a few words when there was a knock at the back door.
Now what? I thought.
“Hi Joe, come on in,” Shay said, “What can I do for ya?”
Shay got a cup and poured Joe some coffee.
“Shay,” Joe said, “I got a man down in the bunkhouse. I called an ambulance so you’ll probably hear it coming before too long.”
“Okay, I’m glad you took care of it,” said Shay.
“Well, I was wondering if you could come down to the bunkhouse for a few minutes, Shay,” Joe asked.
Oh for gosh sakes, couldn’t they just leave Shay alone for a little while? I thought. He was always at their beck and call. I just wanted to yell at Joe, ‘Go away and leave us alone! I need Shay right now!’ But it was Joe, so I held my tongue.
Instead, I stood up and said, “I’m going upstairs to lie down for a while. Just go with Joe, Shay. I’ll see you later, Joe. Take care of yourself,” and walked out of the kitchen and up the stairs.
I heard Joe and Shay leave and then the sound of the Impala driving off. The glass packs always made a cool cackling sound. Oh well, this just gave me more time to feel sorry for myself. I also felt sorry for Shay and Kelly. Truly, the family had been dealt a blow. I took off my robe and crawled back into bed, naked. After about fifteen minutes I heard the ambulance drive past the house. About thirty minutes after that I heard our Impala go by the house. I got up to see where Shay was going. I went to the bathroom window and looked out. He drove down the gravel road and turned toward the lake. Go figure. I went back and lay down. I was thinking maybe I should take the last pill and just go to sleep for the rest of the day. But it wasn’t long before I heard the Impala drive up out front. I was just lying there on our bed, stretched out on my stomach with my arms at my sides, when I heard Shay come up the stairs.
“Callie, get dressed,” he ordered, walking into the room. “I’m taking you out of this house for awhile.”
“I’m not getting up,” I said.
“Up,” Shay said with that authoritative voice of his. “Now!”
“I said no, and I mean no! If you’re going to be like that Shay, just get the hell out of here!” I yelled.
Shay walked over and got the western blanket that was draped over his office chair. He spread it out on the bed and rolled me up in it like a Tootsie Roll. It wasn’t so tight that I couldn’t bend my knees, but my arms where locked into the blanket. Shay picked me up and took me down the stairs. I was a damned Tootsie Roll. Out the door we went to the Impala. Shay stood me on the ground, opened the door, put me in, and shut the door. Then he went around to his side, got in and drove off.
“Shay, you bastard,” I said. “I’m naked! Where are we going?”
Shay just drove silently towards the lake. We went winding down toward the riverbank and Shay stopped the car under some trees.
“What the hell are we doing here?”
Shay just pointed across the river to the south side.
There they were: Samson, Sunset, Starling and all the other horses. They were by the river’s edge, some of them drinking, a couple standing in the shallow water.
“Shay, Shay!” I screamed. “My babies! My horses! How did you find them? How did they get out? Shay, Shay, get me out of this blanket! Unwrap me! I want to get to Sunset, and little Starling. Shay, hurry!”
Shay unwrapped me from the rolled up blanket, leaving me standing there totally naked. I didn’t care.
“Shay, whistle at Samson! Call him. He’ll come to you. Call him, Shay, call him!” I said jumping up and down, clapping my hands and crying with happiness.
Shay gave Samson a few of his familiar whistles. You could see Samson’s ears perk up and he headed for Shay with Sunset and Starling following behind.
I took off running and met Sunset halfway in the shallow part of the river. I jumped up across her back, threw my leg over and straddled her. I was mounted naked on my sweet Sunset, standing knee-deep in water, laughing. I lay my head on her mane and put my arms around her neck. I just kept kissing her. I wanted her to know how much I loved her.
I was so wrapped up in my own happy world that I hadn’t noticed Shay had sat down in the grass near the riverbank. He had his knees bent up, one of his hands over his eyes, his fingers spread over his eyebrows. As I jumped off Sunset and started to go over to Shay, I noticed a bit of a body movement, like he was sobbing a little.
“Shay, are you all right?” I asked. I went up and sat down beside him. “I know all this has been hard, but they’re safe! They’re safe.”
It took a few minutes for Shay to get himself together. He wasn’t one to break down. I’d seen tears only for Cookie, and Marie…
It took a few moments, and then Shay said, “Okay, Callie, I’ll tell you. Just don’t interrupt me, please.”
“Okay,” I said.
“When Joe came and got me we went to the bunk house. I can’t tell you the horrific scene I saw. Rolland’s brother, Louis, was under a sheet. Joe lifted it and Louis was burned so bad—arms, legs, body, hair, face. I couldn’t recognize him, Callie.
Rolland was there and he was interpreting for me. Louis wanted to tell me what happened. It seems when Louis saw the stable on fire he ran right in to set the horses free. He said he wanted to save little green eyes’ and the little hombre’s horses!”
My eyes filled with tears. “What?”
“Callie. He kept saying, ‘Gracias, Shay, Gracias.’ He reached for my hand…” By now Shay was crying again. “Callie, he reached for my hand and I held his burned hand as he kept saying, ‘Gracias, Shay, Gracias, Shay.’ Rolland said he was thanking me for the job and the good home I’d given him. He said Louis said to tell little green eyes that her horses were safe. I heard the ambulance arrive and at that moment Louis’ hand dropped from mine.
“He didn’t make it, Callie. He didn’t make it. He was so happy to have had a job, Callie. I’m so sad, and yet I am so thankful for this homeless man that I hired. He gave his life so Kelly wouldn’t be sad, his little green eyes. Rolland said Louis’ last words were that now he was going to get to be with his family.”
“Oh, Shay,” I said. “I am so sorry. I know right now he is holding his family in his arms.” I hugged Shay and held him close. “He will always be our guardian angel,” I told Shay. “He was such a good man. He surely entered the gates of heaven today, Shay.”
After sitting there for about half an hour we got up and went to the car. I forgot that I was naked. Shay reached in the backseat and pulled out the camel blazer and helped me put it on. The farmhands would come get the horses, so we went home, showered and went to bed, holding each other with a newfound love that spoke no words, just showed itself through actions, like Louis had shown us.
Safe
Shay had a small memorial service for Louis. Shay’s priest friend, Father Mike, came out and spoke—not a service, just kind words. Afterward, there was a catered barbeque for the crew and their families. Shay announced that the new stable would be named Louis Stables. That really made the crew happy. Everyone came over and told Shay how much they appreciated what he had done for one of their own.
Shay had Louis’ body shipped back to Mexico to be buried with his family. Shay was strong through all of this. I, on the other hand, was not doing so well. I don’t think Shay noticed at first.
I found myself asking Yonnie if she could come over every day for a while. I needed help with the kids, cleaning, laundry and cooking. Usually a chatterbox, I increasingly found I had nothing to say. Over the course of a day I might say ten or twelve words. I noticed it was making Yonnie uncomfortable, so after a while I sat her down and told her that I loved her and it had nothing to do with her if I was not acting myself.
“A lot has happened to me in the last few years,” I explained. “And I’m finding my energy is just gone.”
She said she understood (though she didn’t know the half of it,) and went on happily about her work.
When Shay came home in the evenings he’d find dishes in the sink if Yonnie hadn’t done them. If he was lucky, there might be some left over Mac and Cheese from the kids’ supper. I know Shay couldn’t understand why we weren’t eating at the table as a family anymore. Several nights he came home, showered, dressed and just left. I think he probably went to the Westover Bar to get a hot meal.
One morning after he got up and I was still in bed, he came over to me and asked if he had any clean jeans. I told him if he wanted clean clothes, he knew where the washer was. I saw him put on a pair he’d worn once but weren’t too dirty. This was something Shay wasn’t used to. He bent down, kissed me goodbye and went off to work. He didn’t get home until 2:30 in the morning, smelling of beer and perfume.
I was awake when he got into bed. We lay there, the room dark except for our little night sconces, me on my side of the king bed, Shay on his.
“Shay,” I said after a few minutes, without moving, “I want to move home to Hudson for awhile. I want to stay with my parents.”
He just lay quiet for some time. Then he said, “I don’t know where my princess went, but I miss her and I love her so much. Just tell me, tell me where she went so I can go find her.”
Shay turned toward me and I saw tears in his eyes as he spoke.
“What happened, Callie? Where is my wife, the woman I can’t live without? Where have you gone? You don’t even talk to me anymore. I feel so lonely inside. You know what I did tonight, Callie? I picked a woman up in the Larimer bar and we bought a twelve pack of beer and parked out in the country.”
“Well, it wouldn’t be the first time,” I remarked.
“Callie, we almost had sex and if we had, that’s all it would have been: just sex. In my life, you’re the only woman I’ve ever made love to or would ever want to make love to. Oh yeah, we still have sex, but your heart isn’t in it. Hell you aren’t in it.” His eyes shone with tears in the low light of the sconces.
“When I make love to you,” he said, “it’s like I’m here all alone. I might as well just do it by myself. The pleasure would be the same—absolutely no response from you. You just go through the motions… Now you tell me you want to move home to Hudson? Well, this is your home, princess! I told you a long time ago that your home was in my heart, so I’m not letting you do that, not without you telling me what’s happened to you, woman. So you just better tell me. I think you owe me that. Tell me where my wife went, and why did she go?”
“Shay, I’m sorry you felt like you needed to pick up another woman. Maybe you should have had sex with her, maybe she’s what you’ve needed all along,” I said in a sad cold voice, still not moving.
I too wondered where Callie had gone. The Callie I knew myself as would have scooped Shay up in her arms at the sight of his tears. But that Callie wasn’t there in the bedroom with us. I didn’t know where she was.
“Remember all the times your little girlfriends came to the car window or at the club and told you right in front of me that you could do better? Well, Shay, I think they were right. You should never have married me. Just look at the hell your life has been since you’ve been with me,” I said in a dull voice. “I wish you had married someone else, then maybe you’d be happy. You wouldn’t be walking on eggs waiting for the next tragedy that seems to follow me where ever I go.”
“Callie, for God’s sake, do you think these problems that have come up since we’ve been married are your fault? ‘Cause darlin’, they’re not. It’s called life, Callie! Life has ups and downs. Life in a good marriage is standing together. It’s the way you handle the ups and downs as a couple that counts. It’s just you’re not there to see their downs, so you think other marriages don’t have tragedies. Well, that’s just not true, no marriage is trouble-free. I love you, princess. I wish you had told me how you were feeling, but you shut me out. This is the first time in a long while that you’ve let me in, and then it was only to tell me you want to leave me and move back to Hudson.”
He touched my cheek pleadingly. “Callie, I think you’ve been so torn down since Marie died that you feel you can’t get back up. Well, darlin’, I can do something about that. I’m taking you away from here for a week, or however long it takes, so you can rest, babe. You and I are going to go to the ranch in the Sand Hills tomorrow. Just us. I’m taking you away so I can get you back!”
I made no sounds of protest, so he continued with a little lift to his voice. “You don’t have to do a thing! I’ll have Hulda pack for you and I’ll make arrangements for the kids to be at your parents’. Princess, you just need someone to take care of you for a while, you’re always taking care of everyone else. It’s swallowed you whole. I’ll fight to get you back, princess.”
He slid over and held me gently. I gave him no response. Something in me seemed dead.
“Everything is going to be fine, Callie,” Shay said sadly. “Trust me, please. I love you so much. Please don’t leave me, princess.”
Thursday morning Shay woke me with a hug and what did seem to be some lovemaking. I could feel his warm body and I did love that. Then he was up and out the door, yell
ing on the way out, “Get up and get dressed, Callie. I want to leave Westover by ten for the ranch.”
I knew Shay, and I knew he’d get us packed, the car packed, farm work rescheduled, and kids to Mom and Dad’s by when he said. Grass never grew under that man’s feet. Sure enough, at ten ’til ten he was in the door calling me.
“Callie, where are you? Are you ready?”
I was dressed and had my purse and sunglasses. I grabbed several bottles of tea from the refrigerator and told Shay I was as ready as I’d ever be. Out we went, with Shay opening my door as usual. When he got into the car, he sat there and looked at me a second, then said:
“Well, I do declare, Miss Callie, you are a sight for sore eyes.”
Shay was always trying to make something good out of a bad situation. I’ll bet we must have both said at least nine times each to the other: “Isn’t the sky beautiful today?”
Samson and Sunset Page 26
