Fact is, it was cloudy and looked like rain, but it helped make conversation. Occasionally Shay would say, “Look at the beautiful horses, Callie.” Or, “They sure have a good-looking heard of Angus!” Or, “Look at that neatly stacked hay.”
At one point I noticed a very large field of sheep—there must have been several hundred or so. I’d never seen that many sheep in one pasture; and standing on the edge were three black sheep.
“Look, Shay, all those sheep and they only have three black sheep,” I commented.
“Do you know why they have just a few black sheep, Callie?”
“Because, maybe they’re rare, or hard to find? I don’t know.”
“Well,” Shay explained, “they use black sheep as a counting system. A farmer may use one black sheep for every hundred white sheep; thus three black would mean he has three hundred white sheep in that particular field.”
That was pretty interesting, I decided. How else would they be able to count them?
As we drove, Shay mentioned he would like to raise buffalo to sell.
“Yeah,” I said, “if you think you can get some Native-American to sell you one or two head! What do you know about buffalo?”
That did get a chuckle out of Shay. We stopped several times to eat and to view some of the beautiful lookout areas. I knew how much this trip meant to Shay, and whether he believed it or not, it meant a lot to me as well. But I just couldn’t see it changing my mind about going home to Hudson.
The last time I came through this area I was anxious to get home to see Kelly and talk to Cookie. Now there was no Cookie. Oh, I so needed my Cookie to talk to.
At one point our car radio station was starting to static out, so Shay tuned to the only station available in the Sand Hills. It was cattle news, country music, and who had won what ribbons at the county fair. About thirty minutes into the broadcast, they broke in with a news flash: two convicts had gotten a gun from a guard and escaped from prison in Rawlins, Wyoming, in a laundry truck.
“Well ya see there, Shay, that’s what I’m talking about. That’s the kind of mess I run into,” I said nervously. “Something bad happens where ever I tread. Now we have two convicts on the loose out here!”
Well, that did it for Shay. He pulled the car over to the side of the road, jumped out, came around, opened the door and pulled me out, saying, “Woman, what in the hell is wrong with you! Do you even know where Rawlins, Wyoming is? Well, let me tell you, it’s far away from here. But no, now you’ve found something new to worry about, another fear. You told me that tragedy follows you around—hell, Callie, you drag it around on a chain! You need to cut it the fuck loose. No wonder you’re so upset all the time. How can you live, being afraid of everything? I can’t live this way, and I sure as hell don’t want Kelly and Wessy growing up, afraid of their own shadows, the way you are. Damn, woman, you just piss me off.”
“Oh, screw you, Shay Westover! You’re not treating me like this. I can’t help it that things scare me. I don’t know why! Maybe I do have an overactive imagination, but I’m still scared when I hear things like that on the radio!”
“Yeah, well they may have an earthquake in California, does that scare you too, you little brat?”
“Stop it, Shay. You’re just being an ass and I’m through. I’m walking home.” I started stomping down the road toward Westover.
“Well, don’t let the convicts get you, Callie!” Shay called after me.
I whirled around. “Hey, Shay,” I said, and flipped him the bird.
With that he chased after me, caught me and before I could even get my finger down, he grabbed it.
“Oh, what are you going to do now? Break my finger, big boy?”
“No, smart mouth. I have no desire to break my wife’s finger.”
He scooped me up and took me back to the car and put me in on my side, went around, got in and we were off again for the ranch.
Why wasn’t I surprised that it started raining? Not hard, just that damned mist again. I loved mist, but I didn’t want reminders of when we were here on our honeymoon.
After about forty minutes of silence, Shay tried to make some pleasant conversation. “Callie, we won’t have Samson and Sunset to ride, but there are some good old ranch horses we can take out.”
I wished he wasn’t trying so damned hard to make me happy. That happiness I had in my heart for years was gone. I knew what a disappointment that was going to be for him. Hell, I wasn’t planning on riding. I’d thrown a couple of books in my suitcase when Hulda was packing it; I intended on reading the whole time we were there. We finally arrived at the ranch at around 10 p.m. As usual there was the one little light on inside to welcome us.
We climbed the few steps to the porch. Shay got his key out and let us in. Everything looked the same. It was like stepping back five years in time. There was never a musty smell there; it was always clean and fresh. Sherry had been there and freshened up the place, stocking the refrigerator and cupboards.
“Shay, don’t you have to go tell the guys you’re here?”
“No, I’m not here on business,” he said. “I’m here to spend time with you, princess.”
“Well, I’m going to take a bath and put my PJs on, then maybe I’ll read a little,” I said.
“Oh, so you don’t want to shower with me?” Shay remarked. “You think if you read you can get away from me? Ain’t happin’, babe.”
I did bathe and Shay showered, and then he made us some iced tea. We sat on the sofa together and just talked about the things we had done the last time we were at the ranch. Shay reminded me of how happy I had been when I first saw Samson and Sunset. Then he set his cup down, took me in his arms and kissed me. I don’t think I gave as much response as he’d hoped for, knowing what a real Callie and Shay love-in was like. But I knew he was willing to settle for what I could give at the time. He was oh so gentle—the most patient man I’d ever known. If I wasn’t ready yet, he’d wait.
When I awoke the next morning, I could smell something good cooking in the kitchen. Could Shay be cooking? He didn’t know how to cook. Curious, I got up and ambled into the kitchen.
“Don’t know what you’re making there, mister, but it sure smells good,” I said.
Shay poured me a glass of tea with a few splashes of orange juice and said, “I had Sherry leave me a simple recipe. Something I might be able to cook for you.”
“So, what is it?” I asked, taking a sip of tea. “How did you make it?”
“Well, they’re breakfast pies!” he said proudly. “Sherry left me directions and made the pie crusts for me…left the ingredients in the fridge, chopped up vegetables and chicken cubes. I had to butter the pie crusts, put it all in just so, lay the dough on top and cut those little holes for the heat to escape.” He grinned. “So there you have it, princess: breakfast made by your husband. So sit down, babe, I think they’re done.”
They looked a little drippy around the edges, but they smelled great and they were delicious.
“Well, Shay,” I said, finishing off my last piece, “I’m impressed.”
“Impressed enough to not want to move back to your parents’ house?”
“Damn it, Shay.” I stomped into the bedroom to dress. “Are you going to start that crap already? We just got here.” I pulled on some tight blue jeans and slipped into a big white t-shirt of Shay’s. “Why can’t we just enjoy being here without everything having to be so intense?”
Shay walked into the bedroom. “How do you expect me to enjoy myself, knowing your plans are to move to your parents’ house and take the kids?” he asked in an agitated voice.
“Okay, then let’s just get to it,” I said. “Shay, the bottom line is, I am no damn good for you. I love you more than I have ever loved anything or anyone in this whole world. We were so young when we met, and when all your little friends said you could do better, the fact is, Shay, you could have. You can! Just look at that stupid argument we had coming up here. Shay I live in fear of
so many things. Ever since I was little, things happened that scared me. It scared me that I might lose my parents—it got so bad, Shay, that I had a hard time being at school because I though something might happen to them if I was gone.” My voice started to quiver. I sat down on the edge of the bed and Shay walked over and sat down next to me.
“What kind of things, Callie? Talk to me. Make me understand.”
“Little things, things that could only affect a child. Things you’ll think are stupid.”
“Try me!” Shay looked at me intently.
“Lots of things! I’m not going into all of it, but…well, one thing I can’t forget is being eight years old at the theatre with Martha. A written note came across the bottom of the screen, ‘Martha Mitchell call home.’ I just panicked. I went with Martha to the phone and it was Mom saying a bad storm was coming and our neighbor was on his way to pick us up. Daddy had gone to Summerfield with my uncle Jacob to go fishing. Well, the neighbor got us home and the skies were churning a green color like I’d never seen before. Mom took us to the basement and we stayed there until the storm passed over. The radio news said that a tornado had hit Summerfield and twelve people were dead. I ran to my room, dropped to my knees and prayed for God to save my daddy.
“Daddy was always home by 6 p.m. and here it was, 9:30 that night and Daddy wasn’t home. I thought he may have been thrown in the river, or he was dead in a field. I was numb. I couldn’t think. I just walked up and down the block from 6 p.m. to 9:30 that night. Then, there he was. He was home. He had spent hours in farm potato cellars running from funnels, but he was safe. It didn’t matter, the mental damage was done: tornados became my enemy. I had for the first time experienced what the death of a loved one might feel like. It was unbearable for me, Shay.”
I kept talking, not looking at him. “One night when I was probably a year or so older…our family would all sit on the front porch at night and watch cars drive by. I remember this big fancy car drove by—it belonged to a Hudson businessman. Mom and Dad said to each other, ‘There’s old Arthur, trolling again.’ I didn’t even know what trolling meant. A few weeks later I was at the park that was a block from my house. All the kids were there swimming in the little pool. The park was across the street from the elementary school I went to. I saw Arthur’s big new car come down the street real slow. Old Arthur, trolling, I thought to myself. Then he stopped and got out and took Vivian, a neighborhood friend of ours, by the arm and put her in his car. Vivian was a little older than me.
Old Arthur drove four blocks down the road and turned by the Burlington railroad sidetrack road that went to some pump houses, where we kids played sometimes. Well, about half an hour later the car came back and I saw him stop in front of the grade school and let Vivian out and drive away. I crossed the street and went up to her, and she was all messed up; her dress was torn and she was crying. I asked her what was wrong, and she said the man had hurt her. I asked her if she wanted me to go get her daddy and she said ‘No, no, don’t do that.’ I was so naïve, I had no idea what had just happened. But not long after that, Vivian hanged herself in her bedroom. If I wasn’t so stupid maybe I could have done something to help her.” By now I was standing and the tears were really flowing.
Shay was on his feet, standing in front of me. “Callie, you were just a child, what could you have done? You didn’t even know what that evil man had done! You couldn’t have saved her, you were just a child yourself. You were just a baby.”
By now things were pouring out of me. I told Shay all sorts of things right up to and including Frank raping me in the Straw House; how it had made me feel.
“…And then there’s my sweet Marie. Oh, Marie.”
I cried for several minutes in Shay’s arms, standing in the middle of the room.
“Those are the kinds of things I’m talking about, Shay,” I sobbed, and with that, I clammed up. I stopped my whole confession and became silent.
“Oh no, you’re not getting off that easy, Callie Westover,” Shay said with authority. “Say it, Callie. Say it. Let it out.”
“That’s it!” I cried. “That’s it! There isn’t anymore.”
“Oh yes there is, there is more. You say it, woman. Damn it, say it!”
“Leave me alone, Shay!” I yelled.
“No, damn it, Callie, I won’t. You just say it, say it right now.”
“My baby!” I wailed suddenly. “I want my baby and someone else has her. I can’t live without her. I want her, Shay. I need her. I’m only half a person without my baby in my arms, my child to love! I have Kelly and Wessy, but I have another baby and damn it, I want her!”
Shay put his arms around me and stroked my hair.
“I think when we were told to give up on our baby was when I actually started to shut down on life. I have days I don’t think I can go on, Shay.”
I started sobbing and hitting Shay on the chest, saying, “I don’t deserve anything, just let me go, let me go.” For a few seconds, I was out of my mind. “I’m damaged, Shay!” I screamed. “Just let me go!”
Well, at this Shay picked me up and took me into the bathroom, where he turned on the cold water in the shower and put me in, clothes and all. He got in and held me while the water pelted down on us, both of us soaked and freezing, until I stopped hitting his chest. My sobs finally waned to a whimper as I sunk to the floor of the shower.
Shay went right to the floor with me; holding me tight saying, “Let it out, just let it all out, princess.”
By now he was crying, too. I finally settled down and he picked me up and took me out of the shower.
He pulled my soaking wet t-shirt off over my head, but he had a hard time getting those soaked jeans off me. Finally, he rolled them down and off. He took off his wet clothes, while he reached in and turned on a real warm shower. Then he picked me up and put us both back under the warm water.
He held me gently, looking into my eyes, saying, “I’m here in your life now, princess. You don’t have to suffer these things alone anymore. You can tell me anything. I’ll never laugh at you, I’ll never leave you. I love you so much. I’ll never let you go. When I met you I was just a shallow party guy, chasing women around. Now I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. I would never pick any of those women over you. You’re a keeper, Kathrine Mitchell Westover. You’re mine, and I’m keeping you!”
I couldn’t believe I had just let all of that out. But that was Shay; if there’s a problem, get it out in the open, don’t let it simmer until it boils. Well, that’s what had happened to me. I had let everything get to a boiling point and it had almost done me in, but my Shay was saving me.
After a while of holding me close under the warm water, he got me out of the shower; dried me off, then dried himself. He put my lotion on me, picked me up and took me to the bed. “No lovemaking for you right now, Callie,” he said. “You need to be held and loved; you need to feel secure. That’s what I’m here for. I love you so much. You are my whole life, princess.” His voice quivered a little.
As he held me, brushing the hair back from my forehead, he kept his beautiful eyes on mine.
“Shay,” I said, “I think we can go home now. I don’t want to go to Hudson anymore. My home is with you. I want to live in your heart like you said I could. My home is in Westover with you and the kids. We can go home, darlin’. We can go home to our home.”
“No, my baby doll,” said Shay, holding me closer, “we’re here for the week and we’re going to relax and enjoy each other. I want to give you my full attention, ’cause, woman, you already have my full heart.”
We were both so wiped out we fell asleep in each other’s arms. As I drifted off to sleep I felt a calm like I’d never felt, it was a new feeling. I felt completely safe.
A Love Like Ours
When I woke up that day, a weight had been lifted off me. I was ready to enjoy my lover. I woke him and, I’m sure much to his amazement and using some of the techniques he’d taught me, I gave Shay a run for
him money. I think I can proudly say I wore Shay out for a change.
Later that day the sun was out and we walked all over the ranch. We always had to wear our western boots; the ranch had rattlesnakes. We did some horseback riding, even went into the nearby burg. There, I saw an advertisement saying there was a cattle auction the next day and, much to Shay’s amazement, I said I wanted to go.
“We’re not buying anything, Callie,” he warned. “We don’t need any cattle and we already have the two best horses in the world. But we can go watch, that can be fun.”
So the next morning I fixed a big breakfast, we grabbed our jackets and were out the door for the cattle auction in the Sand Hills, once again. This time Shay didn’t have to tell me the difference between a cow and a steer. There were people selling vegetables, so we bought some. Then I saw this couple with several big boxes out by their car and a For Sale sign. I went to have a look and my heart just caved: they were selling puppies! I looked up at Shay with that Callie-look.
Samson and Sunset Page 27
