Hamish X and the Cheese Pirates

by Sean Cullen

  22 A spurdle is a tool for stirring porridge. It is a long stick with a thistle-shaped knob at the end. Invented in 1436 by Ian Spurdle, a Scottish farmer, the spurdle was immediately voted the kitchen utensil with the silliest name of all time, easily beating out the spatula, the egg whisk, and the zester.

  23 One might wonder why, if they loathed it so much, the children were served porridge for every meal: all part of Viggo’s master plan. Before he opened the orphanage he sponsored a study to find the food children hated most in the entire world. Porridge scored highest, followed closely by cauliflower and dirt. Since oatmeal was slightly cheaper than cauliflower and less expensive to transport than dirt, Viggo chose it as the staple of the children’s diet. To put it simply, Viggo was mean.

  24 Cafeteria is an ancient Greek word meaning “food cemetery.” The Ancient Greeks had a special temple in each of their cities where horrible, bland, or disgusting food was taken to be buried. In later centuries, the Romans mistook these food cemeteries for restaurants, digging up the discarded food and helping themselves. The modern cafeteria has its origin in this Roman misunderstanding.

  25 The author was invited to tour a goat’s intestine one weekend at the Goat Enthusiasts Convention, so he knows what he’s talking about. One might question how a human might fit into a goat’s intestine, but let the reader be assured that the goat in question was freakishly large and the author, extremely flexible.

  26 The Australians have always been odd.

  27 The Xaing Xuo Monks of Ti Twa were famous throughout China for their technique of diving through the legs of their attackers and kicking their enemies in the buttocks. A gang of one-legged ninjas eventually defeated them.

  28 The Flying Crimini Brothers toured the world with their amazing somersault show. The act broke up after Tony, the experimentalist in the group, attempted to do a somersault with his body formed into a triangle rather than a circle. He ended up stabbing two of his brothers so badly they were forced to leave show business.

  29 Hamish’s reference to a Mexican judo master is puzzling. Perhaps he is referring to Taco Takana, a half-Mexican, half-Japanese martial artist rumoured to wrestle under the stage name “Spicy Tuna” in the Mexican Wrestling Federation.

  30 The exception always proves the rule, however. The wind actually stopped for twelve minutes and fifty-eight seconds on June 3, 1963. The results were devastating. Everyone in town fell over due to the lack of wind resistance. For twelve minutes, there was no wind at all. People suddenly realized they’d been yelling at the top of their lungs their whole lives up to that point. People also became aware of how curly their hair was now that it wasn’t being blown straight out behind them. Several people rushed to the hairdressers but cancelled their appointments when the wind started blowing again.

  31 Tapirs are indeed an endangered species. They inhabit wet, swampy areas in South America. Tapirs are not lovable to look at. In fact, they were voted least lovable of all endangered mammals in an independently conducted poll in 2002.

  32 The Day of Raining Tapirs is documented in several sources, including the Austin Telegraph. Tapirs fell as far away as Clearwater and one even fell through the roof of the Holiday Inn in Tucson, Arizona, hundreds of kilometres away. Fortunately, that lucky tapir broke through the ceiling of the swimming pool and the water broke his fall. He was adopted by the hotel as its mascot and was given the appropriate name “Lucky.”

  33 Or the Arctic foxes, as mentioned earlier.

  34 Fakirs are performers after a fashion. They do things that are seemingly impossible, like lying on beds of nails, swallowing swords, or enjoying spinach. There is usually some sort of trick, some sleight of hand. The word “fake” finds its origin in the work of fakirs.

  35 Comptesse is the French word for Countess. The French tend to have a different word for almost everything. The title of Count/Countess originates in the ancient past when their largely uneducated neighbours held people who had learned to count in high esteem. “Counters” were given positions of responsibility in the community, eventually forming a powerful ruling class or aristocracy. The title was shortened over the years from “Counter/Counteress” to “Count/Countess.” Counting became less and less important as a qualifying skill for becoming a Count. Many Counts and Countesses today are unable to count at all.

  36 Fluorescent lights were invented by a crabby elementary school vice-principal in Yugoslavia. The children in his school were rambunctious, joyous, and lively; a combination that inspires envy and jealousy in all elementary school vice-principals. The lights were so effective in dulling the minds and spirits of the children that they were soon installed in gymnasiums, classrooms, and public buildings all around the world. The crabby vice-principal from Yugoslavia became incredibly wealthy on the royalties from the sale of his invention and now lives in a giant fluorescent tube outside Sarajevo.

  37 Don’t bother trying to find this book. It has been out of print for over fifty years and with good reason: it is the most boring book of all time. Not to disparage the work of plumbers. Indeed, plumbing is a noble profession practised by noble folk. Regardless, Great Plumbers and Their Exploits is a giant, thick tome that has little charm unless you are a plumber, and even then the book is written in such a laborious, dull, mind-numbing style as to challenge even the most dedicated reader to stay awake for more than a chapter. The book is best used to hold open large doors or to open walnuts. Some of the pictures are nice, though. It was published in Providence, Rhode Island, and had a print run of exactly twenty-three. Strangely, the ODA’s headquarters are located in Providence, Rhode Island, and some might point out a possible connection between the two. Some might.

  38 Also remember wolves and foxes.

  39 Cheese piracy is as old as cheese itself. Gangs of marauders terrorized the cheese makers of Poland during the Middle Ages. A group of Cheese Pirates calling themselves “The Brothers of the Curd” took control of the Greek island of Feta in 1645, demanding a toll of cheese from all who passed through their domain. Though cheese was never invented in China, Tofu Pirates have been a scourge and a plague since the time of the Han Emperors.

  40 Needless to say, lion tamers are no fun to go on holiday with because they constantly get their own way—and they carry a whip and chair everywhere they go.

  41 Grovelling backwards down the stairs is an exceedingly dangerous proposition. As a result, most palace architects build throne rooms on the ground floor to avoid unnecessary injury to grovellers. The one exception is the palace at Gerfink-Holgestein in Southern Germany where the throne room was on the top floor, but after losing three trusted advisers, the Grand Duke of Gerfink-Holgestein thoughtfully built a waterslide at the end of his audience chamber.

  42 As Hamish X guessed, this truly was Forkliftface, but unlike the other guards he wasn’t called Forkliftface because his face looked like it had been hit by a forklift. He had actually been born with the name Dave Forkliftface, and by a happy accident his face was hit by a forklift later in life, allowing him to find security work at the Hit-in-the-Face Security Firm (eventually renamed Mean and Ugly Security Options).

  43 Perhaps the Beardlords of Denmark are not as famous as they once were. These men ruled Danish society in the latter years of the nineteenth century. They grew beards of such prodigious length that they eventually dispensed with clothing altogether, weaving dense body sheaths from their whiskers. The beards were so dense that they rendered the wearers immune to blades and bullets. The Beardlords ruled with an iron fist, brutally oppressing the Danish people. (When I say Danish people, I mean the people of Denmark, not people made of Danish pastries.) The Beardlords were overthrown finally by a coalition of barbers who sprayed them with depilatory cream. Beards are still frowned upon in polite Danish society.

  44 Although its name sounds whimsical, Saskatoon is not particularly so. It is a largish city in the Canadian province of Saskatchewan. It was named for its founder, a Ukrainian circus strongman named Saskia the Invincible
who went west to seek his fortune. He walked the whole way from Montreal with a prefabricated town on his back. He had just crossed the Saskatchewan River when he stumbled on a rock and dropped the prefab town, which opened up upon impact. Saskia was forced to settle on the site and named the town Saskia’s Town, which was later mispronounced by Scottish settlers as Saskia’s Toon. Eventually, it was shortened to Saskatoon.

  45 The exception was Jenny, the circus pony who wrote a wonderful ten-part epic poem about the fall of Atlantis entitled “Uh-oh! Earthquake!” Sadly, it is now out of print.

  46 Clapboard comes from the Dutch “claphout” which means “clapping house.” This was a structure in ancient Dutch towns where people would go to clap vigorously as a form of exercise. The Dutch believed that good circulation in the hands was essential to good mental health. Visitors to Holland believed exactly the opposite when they saw the Dutch stream into little houses and clap vigorously for no reason at all. Clapboard houses have overlaying boards that help dampen sound, and so we call any house with wooden siding “clapboard,” though we rarely use them for the intended purpose.

  47 Touque is the French Canadian word for a knitted woollen cap. It was invented in 1734 by Gerard Touque, a native of Quebec City, as a primitive form of hair replacement therapy. Touques became a favourite of trappers because in a pinch, you could use them as a bag to carry musket balls, coins, or salted nuts.

  48 Pointed in this sense means “full of meaning,” not pointy. Exchanging truly pointy looks can lead to someone losing an eye.

  49 The treeline marks the most northerly point that trees may grow in the world. Many believe the treeline is a function of climate, but it’s actually the result of a treaty negotiated in 1852 between the British and the Inuit. The Inuit like to be able to see anyone coming for a good distance before they arrive, and so they keep the trees cut back. Also, it makes it easier to drive a dogsled on the flat ground, although the stumps can be a hazard.

  50 To be honest, there was no silence to be broken: chains rattled, fabric flapped, air whistled, tools jangled, etc.

  51 Milk is not widely consumed in India. Cows are sacred and milk comes from cows, so it is also sacred. Butter is also thought very highly of and left alone. Yogourt is eaten but only after lengthy apologies.

  52 The white featurelessness of the Arctic is an age-old complaint of aerial navigators. Many plans have been proposed to combat the problem, including one that would have millions of gallons of orange food dye dropped onto the ice cap to improve visibility. Fortunately, the idea was rejected.

  53 The stiletto, a thin-bladed knife easily hidden up the sleeve and designed for throwing, was invented by an Italian armourer. He was catering to cultured customers who didn’t want to ruin the hang of their clothing by concealing a bulky knife. Alberto Stiletto then went on to produce a line of boots with a long blade concealed in the heel. These were less popular because it isn’t very handy to pull one’s boot off and hurl it at an enemy. The stiletto became fashionable merely as a piece of footwear and survives to this day.

  54 The tradition of calling the toilet on a ship the “head” comes from the 1600s when English sailors were forced to perform their bodily functions while they went about their shipboard duties. Sailors up in the rigging just let go whenever they needed to, often dropping their foul cargo on the head of the ship’s Captain. Thus the slang phrase for relieving oneself became “Going on the Captain’s head!” later shortened to “Going on the head!” Then, when toilets were installed, the term stuck and the head became the accepted term for a shipboard toilet. In the English navy, captains were better respected. Sailors leaned over the back rail of the ship to do their business. This small raised deck was called the poop for obvious reasons.

  55 The Amundsen Gulf is named for Norwegian explorer Roald Amundsen. He was the first man to reach both the North and South Poles. He was the second man to navigate the Northwest Passage. He was the first man to fly over the North Pole. He was also voted most likely to grow a beard by his grade eight class. He died in a plane crash, not while exploring but while searching for a friend who had become lost while exploring. The lesson? Never stop exploring.

  56 And wolves and Arctic foxes.

  57 Just a quick note: it is impossible to insult a snowmobile. The author has tried and failed on two separate occasions.

  58 Poachers, despite their name, rarely poach anything. They prefer fried foods, usually in some sort of batter.

  59 Another illustration of the universal fact that even bad, evil, mean, and nasty mothers love their bad, evil, mean, and nasty children.

  60 Basalt is a form of rock produced in volcanic eruptions. It should not be confused with bath salts, which are lovely and soothing in the bathtub.

  61 Snow monkeys are extremely rare and were thought to be extinct until Hamish X and his companions discovered the colony on Snow Monkey Island. Snow monkeys are the more vicious cousin of the Japanese macaque. They are extremely well adapted to the cold and are renowned for their cleverness. Dung throwing is a common method of attack among snow monkeys, who practise for hours on each other to improve their accuracy. They are the most slovenly of monkeys, rarely engaging in the preening behaviour exhibited by most primates.

  62 The Wine-Tasting Board of France does not recommend drooling wine down one’s beard as the proper way to enjoy a good vintage. Beard hair reacts badly with the grapes, producing a very acidic flavour.

  63 Halitosis is the Greek word for bad breath. It even sounds stinky.

  64 Dear reader, whatever you do, try not to mention to your parents or anyone else in authority the number of times the characters in this story expel gases. This will lead to a public outcry and the eventual banning of the book. Just giggle where appropriate and keep it our little secret.

  65 There is only one recorded instance of a look actually proving fatal. In 1872, Peter McNeil of Kilkenny, Ireland, died when he stepped out of his house into the path of an angry woman who stared at him very crossly. There were mitigating circumstances, however: the man was suffering from a rare and intense phobia that rendered him deeply terrified of human eyes and had lived his entire life trying to avoid eye contact. The suddenness of the stare caught him by surprise. He suffered a heart attack brought on by the terror and died later in hospital.

  66 A duck isn’t such a bad choice for Mrs. Francis to have made. There are several species of duck that inhabit the region: the Arctic duck, the tundra mallard, and the volcanic lava duck. The lava duck is especially rare. Its bottom half is impervious to heat, allowing it to float in molten lava pools common in volcanic areas. This trait also makes lava duck very difficult to cook.

  67 Indeed, there is a difference. A Zeppelin’s gas bags are contained within a rigid framework whereas a blimp has a soft hull made entirely of fabric. The Zeppelin is named after Graf Von Zeppelin, who owned the company that manufactured the first commercial airships. The blimp gets its name from the sound it makes whenever it collides with a hard surface.

  68 Well, obviously. I just said it at the end of the last chapter.

  69 Glowing fungi are common in subterranean environments. The Ancient Egyptians used to cultivate glowing fungus that they would make into little glowing hats. They wore their glowing hats whenever foreigners visited just to show off. Everyone agrees that the Ancient Egyptians were extremely immature.

  70 I hope no one is offended by the concept of glowing bowels.

  71 Monkey marriage is not scientifically documented, but there is evidence of wedding shower activity among some bands of gibbons observed in the wild. Nests filled with blenders, toasters, and ugly lamps lead researchers to believe that wedding guests in the monkey world have no more taste than their human counterparts.

  72 Indeed, pirate.com is already taken.

  73 Pirate.org is also taken. It’s a nonprofit organization dedicated to providing adequate housing and medical care for retired pirates.

  74 The “mess” is the traditional name for t
he place where sailors eat aboard ship. It was originally referred to as the “tidy” by superior officers in an effort to instill the urge to clean in the crew. Sailors are notoriously messy, however, mainly because while they eat, their food is sliding back and forth across the table and often ends up on the floor.

  75 It’s true. Monkeys never understand a word you’re saying. Many European explorers in Africa and the New World went horribly wrong by asking monkeys for directions.

  76 A chiropractor is a physician who is concerned with the alignment of the bones and muscles in the body. The first chiropractor came from the Egyptian city of Cairo, where he helped workers suffering from back pain after they were forced to lift huge blocks to build pyramids.

  77 Sometimes characters can forget things in the heat of a good story.

  78 Of course, one should rinse cutlery thoroughly between uses to avoid food poisoning.

  79 I told you.

  80 Beatific is a fancy word for very, very happy. I just like that word and I thought you should know about it.