Into the Fire

by Mari Carr

  “My brother always used to tell me dirty jokes,” Ivy said when there was a brief lull in the conversation.

  Everyone looked at her, clearly hoping she’d share one. James’s face looked different. She had shocked him with the comment. Hell, she’d shocked herself.

  “He was seven years older than me, but he never treated me like an annoying little sister, which was sometimes good and sometimes bad.”

  “He sounds great,” Jody said, then she paused. Ivy’s wording had apparently sunk in. “Was?”

  Suddenly, Ivy recalled why she never talked about her brother, why she wouldn’t let herself remember him.

  She cleared her throat, then softly said, “He died.”

  James’s arm left the back of her chair as he tucked it around her shoulders. It was comforting as well as stifling. God. It was as if she’d sucked all the air, all the life, from the room.

  She didn’t want to do that. She wanted to follow their example. Find a way to remember Jem with joy rather than loss.

  “He actually told me my favorite joke,” she started, her voice just a wee bit wobbly, “right after I got my first boyfriend, freshman year of high school. Mom must have mentioned to him that she’d given me ‘the talk’,” Ivy air-quoted the last two words, “which Jem took as open season to embarrass me with sex jokes.”

  “What was the joke?” Doug asked.

  Ivy felt her face grow hot, which only fed James’s brother’s enthusiasm.

  “Oh yeah,” Doug said, “I can tell it’s going to be a good one.”

  Ivy looked around. “I’m not sure—”

  “You heard mine about Santa Claus and his big sack,” Jade prompted. “You can’t stop now.”

  “Fine,” Ivy took a deep breath as she asked, “What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?”

  No one replied.

  “A guy will actually search for a golf ball.”

  Everyone laughed as Jade guffawed loudly. “Man, your brother sounds like a hoot.”

  James ruffled her hair as he laughed, then he leaned closer. “I like your joke. Like hearing about Jem.”

  “I shouldn’t have stopped talking about him, shouldn’t have tried to erase the good memories just because the bad ones were too painful.”

  “Maybe you can tell me some more about him later.”

  Her heart swelled. It honest-to-God grew like the freaking Grinch’s on Christmas Day.

  Every second she was with James, she fell deeper and deeper in love. And when they were here on the ranch, away from those damn planes and parachutes and forest fires, she could easily let herself forget her fears and all the reasons why she couldn’t be with him.

  “Jamie,” she whispered.

  “Can we just take this time away and pretend? Pretend the rest isn’t there?”

  She closed her eyes. It felt like he could read her mind. “I…”

  “No. Forget it. I’m sorry.”

  Ivy glanced up at him, startled by his about-face.

  “I understand your reasons, Ivy. I really do. And I’m trying to be the bigger man. To do what’s best for you. You’re a hard woman to resist.”

  “I’d say the same thing to you, but your cousins and brother have assured me that you’ve heard those words plenty in the past and they go to your head.”

  He winked at her. “Exaggeration.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  His face sobered. “I’m committed to the squad for the rest of this season.”

  “I know that.” Ivy understood that James would never walk away from the squad mid-season. It would leave them short-handed, which would add to the danger for the other guys. She respected that.

  Dammit.

  “After that—”

  It was her time to stop him. “I’m never going to ask you to give up smokejumping, Jamie. Ever. If that’s where you belong, where you need to be, then that’s what I want for you.”

  She didn’t have the right to tell him to give up something he loved, something that was a part of him. And she didn’t want to be on the receiving end of his anger when he realized he’d given up too much.

  He closed his eyes and sighed. When he opened them again, the sadness was still there, more pronounced.

  “Listen,” she began. “The memorial is the day after tomorrow and we head back the following day. When we get to Yellowstone, you’ll go back to work and I’ll start pounding the pavement, looking for a job.”

  “Where are your interviews?”

  Ivy was hesitant to answer. She hadn’t let herself apply anywhere in Wyoming or near Yellowstone. “Montana, Nebraska, Colorado.”

  He grimaced. “So far away.”

  “It’s for the best. We just need some time and distance between us. After that…” She couldn’t finish the statement because it felt like a lie.

  James realized that too, if his sudden scowl was any indication. “Neither of those things is going to help me.” He rose from the table before she could answer, walking into the living room without looking back.

  Ivy considered going upstairs, her emotions wearing her down. She could plead a headache and escape, crawl under the covers and cry herself to sleep.

  Jade had other plans.

  “I had a brother too. We were twins. He died in childbirth.”

  Ivy turned to face James’s cousin. “I’m sorry.”

  “I know it sounds silly to say I miss him. We were babies who shared a womb. It’s probably more accurate to say I miss the idea of a brother. I’m so sorry to hear about yours.”

  Ivy smiled sadly. “Thanks.”

  “Wanna go back to my place and split a pitcher of margaritas? We can put on some music, dance around like idiots and tell all our darkest secrets.”

  Ivy hadn’t had many girlfriends in her life. She was always the tomboy who preferred the company of animals and guys. She liked to joke she preferred simple creatures. But Jade’s invitation sounded damn tempting.

  “Sure.”

  Three hours later, Ivy wasn’t just head over heels in love with James. She was crazy for his family too.

  The words glutton for punishment rolled through her tipsy head as she fell asleep. One more day. She’d give herself one more day with James and his family, and then…

  God…somehow…she’d find the strength to walk away for good.

  Chapter Ten

  Dinner the second night home was a quieter affair than the previous one. Each family chose to eat together in their own homes, however, the younger generation had made plans to meet at nightfall for a bonfire.

  “Ready,” Doug said, just before dusk, handing him a bottle of Jack.

  James nodded.

  He and all of his cousins, his sister, Ivy and Austin’s girl, Hayden, and a few ranch hands, headed for the fire pit, armed with booze.

  They relaxed for a while, sipping on beer or sharing a bottle of whiskey as they talked quietly. The Compass Girls were the first to call it a night, Sienna rubbing her sore back, thanks to the ever-growing baby inside her and the rest claiming tomorrow would be hard enough without a hangover. None of them was ready to say goodbye to Jake.

  James figured it was sound advice, but he still gave them shit for skipping out early, especially Sienna and Jade.

  “Jake always liked a good bonfire,” Doug said after they’d left, his ankles crossed as he looked into the fire.

  “Not as much as he liked his whiskey,” Austin said with a grin. “Bastard could drink any of us under the table.”

  “Remember that time in high school when we thought we could build our own still?” Bryant asked the other guys.

  “Like a moonshine still?” Ivy asked.

  James nodded, even as he chuckled. “Bryant was always into science, and I think that year he was taking chemistry. There was some show on TV about moonshiners and we got the bright idea to build our own still. Our folks had learned to lock up the liquor cabinets after my dad and Jake found my sister, Hope, Jade and Sterling was
ted in the hayloft one night in high school. Kinda meant we were forced to find our own way.”

  “Did the still work?” Hayden leaned forward, clearly entertained by their exploits.

  Bryant shrugged. “I’m pretty sure it did, but Jake caught us before we could sample the goods. Read us the riot act for doing something so stupid. Made some comment about us going blind from drinking poison like that. Sent us back to our houses, muttering about getting an ax.”

  “If you never tasted it, how do you know it worked?” Ivy asked Bryant.

  “Because around three in the morning, I heard loud singing and laughing near the cabins where the ranch hands live. Snuck out and found Jake and a bunch of the guys passing a jug around this very fire pit, drunker than skunks. He stole our moonshine!”

  Ivy giggled. “Oh my God. That’s so mean. And funny.”

  “Would have liked at least one sip,” Bryant grumbled. “Put a hell of a lot of work into that.”

  Doug punched Bryant on the arm. “You know, I have this theory that Jake knew we were building the still all along. And he waited until it was finished before catching us.”

  A light appeared to go on in Bryant’s head. “Son of a bitch! I think you’re right. Damn, man. Now I’m really pissed.” The grin on his face belied the words, and they all laughed, lifting their cups to toast Jake’s cleverness.

  The night passed quickly, and a lot of the heavy feelings of the past couple of days started to ease. There was something about being back home, surrounded by these guys—his best friends as well as family—that grounded him.

  It was the same sort of brotherhood he felt with the other smokejumpers on the squad. However, for the first time ever, James’s view of his future changed. In the past, he’d always taken things one year at a time. Another season in Yellowstone, broken up by time at home.

  Suddenly, what he’d always considered his future felt more like year after year of sowing his wild oats until it was time to grow up and settle down. At least that’s what Jake always said. Said that one day he would open his eyes and start seeing a few things he’d always missed.

  James had thought it was just Jake being Jake whenever he said that, and he’d dismissed the comment. Tonight, it was starting to stick as he looked across the fire at his cousins, Austin and Bryant.

  Bryant was brooding, probably because of Vaughn’s brief appearance at the bonfire earlier. James was starting to think his younger cousin was in the same boat as him. Always looking around without seeing much.

  Austin, on the other hand, was seeing just fine. James liked Hayden, the battered woman who had stowed away on his cousin’s rig to escape her asshole boyfriend. She was a sweet little thing, and it was obvious Austin was completely besotted.

  James glanced at Ivy and chuckled to himself. Takes one to know one, he thought.

  “I love all these stories.” Ivy looked happier than he’d ever seen her. “You guys have some great memories of Jake.”

  Doug, the clueless wonder, piped up. “Sounds like you’ve got some great ones of your brother too.”

  James would have punched his baby brother if he could have reached him when Ivy’s smile faded a bit. But before he could figure out how to do damage control, she spoke.

  “I do actually. There was this one time my dad was out on a fire call. This was before Jem had joined the squad. He was twenty to my thirteen, and Dad had foolishly left him in charge of me.”

  “Where was your mom?” James asked, desperate to keep the story going. This was the first time—aside from the shared dirty joke at dinner last night—that Ivy had opened up about her brother. James was curious about the man.

  “She was in North Carolina. My aunt had just had a baby and Mom flew out to help her with my two older cousins, who are total hellions.”

  “Sounds like you’re kin to the Comptons,” Austin said.

  They laughed, and then Ivy continued the story. “Jem was in a bit of a badass stage at twenty. Still living at home, but champing at the bit to get out. Kept telling Dad he was an adult, and they were butting heads all the time.”

  “Oh my God,” Doug interrupted. “You just described James and our dad. Epic battles. Epic.”

  Ivy smiled at him. “I didn’t really put it together until this minute, but you do remind me of my brother in some ways.”

  “I hope that’s a good thing,” James said jokingly.

  Ivy tilted her head. “It’s actually a great thing. Jem was funny, the life of every party, and wild as an unbroken stallion.”

  Doug laughed at the description, but James soaked it in, deciding it was the best compliment he’d ever received.

  “What did your brother do?” Bryant asked, clearly getting into the story as well.

  “Jem was savvy to judging the fires and how long Dad would be away. This blaze was a nasty one, nearly three hundred miles away. We both knew Dad would be gone four or five days minimum, and Mom was only one week into her two-week trip to Aunt Helen’s. So, he did what any twenty-year-old boy would do.”

  “He threw a party,” all four of the Compass Boys said in unison.

  Ivy and Hayden started laughing and then struggled to stop.

  Finally, Ivy was able to continue her story. “He made oobie doobie, a whole trash can full of it.”

  “Oobie doobie?” Hayden asked.

  “Fruit punch and grain alcohol with fruit slices floating in it.”

  “Oh, I always called that jungle juice.”

  Ivy nodded. “I’ve heard that name too. Anyway, Jem tried to tell me that I had to stay in my room during the party, which failed, of course. I wasn’t about to take orders from my brother, and at that point, I had a crazy crush on one of his friends.”

  “Unrequited, I hope,” James said, realizing he sounded like an overprotective, jealous boyfriend.

  Ivy looked scandalized. “Of course. It would have been seriously illegal. Not to mention the fact I was thirteen with a really awkward haircut and braces. Totally one-sided, even though I was wholly devoted.”

  Doug, ever the flirt, said, “Bet you were hot even with the metal mouth.”

  James gave his brother a warning look, while Ivy preened at the compliment. He’d never felt jealousy over a woman before, and certainly not over his brother’s innocent comments, but damn if a spark of it didn’t flare now.

  Ivy continued her story. “I told Jem the only way to buy my silence about the party was to let me be there. He agreed, but said he’d hurt me if he caught me drinking. In truth, I didn’t really want to drink. I’d smelled the grain alcohol when he poured it in, and it wasn’t anything I wanted to try.”

  James shook his head. “Something tells me that changed.”

  “It didn’t really. A few of Jem’s female friends started dragging me through the party with them. I think they thought their kindness to the kid sister might catch Jem’s attention. My brother was a total hottie.”

  James loved seeing the way Ivy’s face lit up as she talked about Jem. He hoped to God Sienna told stories about him and Doug this way. This sisterly adoration was probably one of the best things he’d ever seen.

  “I told them Jem said I couldn’t drink when they offered me sips of their punch, then one of the girls said, ‘Hey, no problem. Just eat the fruit.’”

  There was a collective groan from around the bonfire.

  Ivy laughed. “Yeah. These girls obviously weren’t the brightest, and I’m going to use the ‘I was only thirteen’ excuse. I got shit-faced. Super drunk.”

  “What happened?” Doug asked, clearly enthralled.

  “It was the ultimate worst-case scenario. Jem found me a half hour after the party ended in Mom and Dad’s bathroom. He said it was like a scene from The Exorcist. Only I wasn’t decorating the place in pea soup. Every surface—even the ceiling—was painted with fruit punch. I swear to God, to this day, I still don’t know how I managed to get sick on the ceiling.”

  Everyone was laughing as she continued.

&nbs
p; “Anyway, Jem was pretty toasted himself, so he put me in bed with a trash can by my head and he crawled into his bed, thinking we’d just clean it all up in the morning.”

  James figured out the ending before she could get there. “Your dad got home before you got up, didn’t he?”

  “Of course he did. They were able to contain the fire a lot faster than they thought, thanks to some unexpected storms. He came in while both of us were still asleep—”

  “Passed out,” Bryant interjected.

  “So passed out,” Ivy agreed. “The house was destroyed. Cups, beer cans, food, trash everywhere. He was pissed enough when he saw that and his bathroom, but when he opened the door to his baby girl’s bedroom door and spotted the trash can…”

  “Oh man. How did Jem get out of that?”

  Ivy grimaced. “I’d like to say it was only Jem who got in trouble. When Dad found out I was the one who’d blackmailed Jem so I could go to the party, and then redecorated the bathroom, we went down together, hard. Spent the better part of the next day—hungover—cleaning the house from top to bottom. I swear it had never, ever been that clean. My mom raved when she got home, expecting to find the place a wreck.”

  “Did your dad tell her about the party?” Hayden asked.

  Ivy shook her head once, then stopped. “You know…I don’t know. She never said anything about it, so if he did, she didn’t let on that she knew.”

  “Probably figured you’d already suffered your punishment,” Austin said.

  “We did. Jeez. That was one of the worst days of my life. Until—”

  Ivy stopped mid-sentence, the sudden pause not lost on any of them. She felt her face flush.

  “I think we need more wood for the fire,” James said, trying to save her from the awkward silence. Austin stood up with him and the two walked away, disappearing into the dark night to the woodpile.

  Doug came over, claiming the spot next to her.

  “Must’ve been tough losing your brother at such a young age.” Doug reached out to pour another beer in Ivy’s cup. “James drives me crazy, but I wouldn’t want to live without him.”

  “It’s been a long time,” Ivy said. “Ten years of mourning. I think the way you all do it is better.”