Flawed Perfection

by Cassandra L. Giovanni

  “I’m good to go,” I said, watching as Adam’s eyes drifted over me.

  “Let’s go kick some ass!” Adam said, gathering himself before he clapped me on the shoulder. I cringed at the friendly gesture that meant I was just one of the guys.

  Mark scoffed, “If you think so;” before leading Adam and I onto the court.

  “You’re on this side,” Mark said, ducking his head to go under the net and towards the back to serve the ball.

  “Which one is Joe?” I asked, leaning over to Adam.

  He pointed to a kid with head of shaggy blonde hair, and a frame similar to his own, except there was no muscle tone at all.

  “He’s pretty reserved, but you should see him play guitar. He makes me look like an amateur,” Adam said.

  I raised an eyebrow. “That’s possible?”

  “Think Eric Clapton,” he said.

  I shrugged. I knew who Eric Clapton was, but I couldn’t recall his playing.

  “You guys ready to be crushed?” Adam hollered across the net as he moved to the right of me.

  Chapter 10

  We got home from the beach in enough time for me to shower and relax a bit before going to the dreaded dinner with Adam’s parents. I sat on my balcony watching the sunset with my head tilted, so the sun washed over my face. I knew why Adam decided to drag me along—they were less likely to dig into him if I was there. Then again, if they did I was there for him to run away with.

  I smiled at the thought, closing my eyes. We’d always ran away together; to the lake, to the creek behind my house, to the tree house we’d hidden there in the woods—anywhere where it could just be him and I.

  “You ready?” Adam asked, breaking my thought and causing me to open my eyes slowly.

  He hung half out the window with a grin on his face.

  “Are you?” I asked.

  Adam shook his head as he cracked his knuckles. “What do you think?”

  “I’m looking forward to watching you play tonight,” I said as I climbed back through the window, grabbing my purse and following him out to the living room.

  “At least that makes one person,” he said as he slung his guitar case over his shoulder and grabbed his mini-amp.

  “What one did you bring today?” I asked, tapping on the black mesh fabric.

  “The purple bass you got me,” he answered with a wink. “Dad should love that shit. He’ll probably believe I’m gay for real.”

  I stared at him before we started down the stairs. “If he lived across the hall from you he’d know there is no way in hell you’re gay.”

  “What’s that suppose to mean?”

  I forced a fake, high-pitch giggle out and twirled an imaginary lock of long hair around my finger.

  “Oh, Adam!” I purred, suddenly bold as I put my hand on his shoulder and leaned in to nip his neck. “Tell me how you’re going to take all my clothes off!”

  Adam’s body went rigid in response to my playful tease and he coughed.

  “Crap, Riv…did you really just bite me?” his voice was gravel as I jumped off the last step and turned to face him, hands on hips.

  “Why? Did you like it?”

  His eyes stayed locked on mine as his Adam’s apple moved up and down.

  “They never ask how I’m going to take their clothes off,” he finally replied with his mouth playfully pursed at me, daring me to reply.

  I raised an eyebrow before leaning up on my toes and placing my hands on his shoulders. My lips hovered inches over his as I seductively purred, “Oh, Adam—I can’t wait to rip your clothes off!”

  A smile spread across his thin lips, and he took a deep breath, nostrils flaring.

  “That’s more like it,” he growled back at me, taking the last step and running his hand from my right hip across my stomach as he walked past me.

  I literally stopped breathing as his touched seared not only my skin, but my mind, making it impossible to formulate any sort of reasonable response.

  “You coming?” Adam called, and from the breeze coming over my shoulder and blowing my thin cotton shirt, I knew he was at the door waiting for me.

  I looked like an idiot, for what, the millionth time this month? I squeezed my eyes shut before turning with a smile. I was definitely at the losing end of whatever game we’d somehow started.

  “So you have any idea what you’re playing for them tonight?” I asked as we fell into step with one another.

  Adam opened the back door to his car, placing the amp on the floor and laying the bass guitar gently across the seats.

  “Not a freaking clue,” he answered, shrugging as he slid into the driver’s seat. “Any requests?”

  I shook my head.

  “Maybe Mom will have one,” he joked before turning in the seat to back out.

  “Maybe.”

  “So I haven’t seen any cavemen lingering around your apartment lately, did you finally tell Tara you could make your own choices about men?” Adam asked as he fiddled with some settings subconsciously on his steering wheel.

  “I noticed Amber wasn’t lingering around waiting to throw her panties at you.”

  Adam squinted at the road ahead, tapping his thumbs against the steering wheel as he answered, “Yeah, after the party, she kind of…dumped me.”

  I threw my hands up in mock shock. “Oh, my goodness! Is this the first time the great and wonderful womanizer Adam has been dumped?”

  Adam pressed his lips together as he glanced over at me. “You’d be surprised.”

  “Really?” I asked, and this time I was serious.

  I always thought he broke things off with the many girls he dated.

  “They give up on me quickly,” he replied.

  “So what’s the reason?”

  His stare was straight ahead, and I watched as his hands tightened on the steering wheel before he gave a painful chuckle.

  “You know, the usual shit—I can’t commit.”

  “I could’ve told you that.”

  “Why do you always end up breaking it off with the Bobby-Look-a-Likes?” He turned the question on me, and I sunk deeper into the seat.

  Him. It was all because of Adam.

  “You know, the usual shit—I can’t commit,” I said.

  Adam shook his head, looking slightly puzzled with his furrowed brow. “I would think it was the other way around. Really? You, not wanting to commit?”

  “I guess I’m just waiting for the right person.”

  Our eyes locked on one another for a moment that made my stomach flip flop.

  Screw butterflies, I had a whole circus rioting inside of me.

  “I guess I don’t think there’s a right person for me,” he responded, and his gaze finally pulled from mine and back to the road.

  I shrugged my shoulders in response as my mind begged my heart to speak up. It wasn’t the right time; then again, it never seemed to be. Moments like this always occurred when me or him were in a taxing situation.

  I could already see his stress level rising as we got closer to his parent’s house. We drove the rest of the way in silence, and we stayed that way as we pulled up the driveway to the darkened house.

  “It doesn’t look like anyone’s home,” I said as we both got out of the car.

  Adam’s eyes darkened, and I watched as his ears flushed. He didn’t respond as he stalked up to the steps and tried the door.

  His fist rammed into the wood when the knob didn’t turn.

  He turned and threw his hands up.

  “Really? Really!” he yelled at the sky as he came back down the walkway towards me.

  “Adam,” I began as I stepped forward, reaching for him. He shrugged my hand off and grabbed his bass from the back of the car.

  I followed him as he continued in his silent rage across the backyard and down a path we had taken many times as children.

  “Adam,” I tried again, but he didn’t respond and instead only quickened his pace.

  When I finally caught
up Adam was sitting on the rock next to the lake that we’d swam at thousands of times as children. I took a deep breath; so we were running away again. I watched as he laid his purple bass in his lap, and when he looked up his eyes were sad.

  He began to sing—something I’d never heard him do before. I was shocked by the gritty but flawless voice that came out of his mouth. I shook my head in wonder as I found my legs curling beneath me. My hands rested on the soft carpet of grass as my fingers entwined in it.

  I knew the song, and I had to take a deep breath as the words of Five Finger Death Punch sunk in. It was painful to watch and hear him singing that song; to know that was how he felt in this very moment, and so many times over.

  A break came in the singing and he looked away from me and down to the strings as he slapped them with his thumb. I knew he didn’t need to look away. He knew the song by heart, and his voice came again, clear, strong— angry. Just like the singer from the band, he dragged out the alone until it ended in a growling scream.

  His shoulders collapsed under the pressure of the words, and his knuckles turned white from holding the guitar neck too hard.

  I knew he was crying.

  I stood slowly and pulled his head to my stomach, running my hands through his hair to comfort him.

  He didn’t respond to my touch at first, but then as I continued to run my hands through his hair, he caved, wrapping his arms around my waist as his back wracked with a silent sob.

  “I’ll never be enough, River, never enough for them,” he finally said, his voice cracking.

  He pulled away from me with one arm still around my waist, fingers tangled in my back belt loop while the other wiped his face.

  “Why do you always try to be enough for them?” I asked.

  He was more than enough for them, but they were too blind to see it.

  He shook his head as his chest rose with a deep breath before his red eyes met mine.

  “Don’t you always try to be the enough for someone else?” he whispered back.

  The truth in his words silenced me. I’d always tried to be enough for them too—to prove I could be enough for him. It just never seemed to work.

  “I don’t know what you mean,” I finally said.

  His eyes fluttered as his tongue ran over his parched lips. He stood, free hand moving the bass guitar behind him, one arm still around me, before letting his fingers run up my arms as he leaned his lips to my ear.

  “You’ll always be too good for me,” he whispered, sending an electric shock up my spine.

  He knew. He’d always known.

  His lips traced my jawbone and my body stiffened against his touch before his lips found mine.

  My hands rushed into his hair, tangling in it as his arms pulled me tightly against his body. His tongue traced over my lips and into my mouth as his hands slid down and pulled my hips to his own. I lost my breath at the motion, and he pulled away breathing heavily.

  “Holy shit,” Adam gasped. “If I’d known kissing you’d be like that, I’d have done it a long time ago.”

  I still had my eyes shut as I tried to catch my breath.

  “You’ll regret this in the morning,” I said as I opened them to see the smirk on his face fade into a confused frown.

  I couldn’t believe what I was saying.

  “What do you mean?” he asked, his hands still holding me firmly to him.

  I pulled away, my breathing ragged with emotion as I shook my head.

  “You’re only doing this because you’re upset,” I replied. It was the only explanation if he’d always known.

  Why was now any different than before?

  “River, you don’t get it!” Adam said, and his brows shadowed his eyes now.

  “Adam, leave it be…you know you don’t want me,” I replied, turning and walking back up the path.

  The tears sprung from my eyes. I knew Adam too well. He was emotional because of his parents. That was it, and I was there for him, like I always was, but this time it had been too much for him.

  “Wait! How am I going to get home if you take my car?” Adam called behind me, and I knew from his tone he was upset.

  “Sorry, come on. Let’s go,” I answered without looking back.

  By the time we got back to the car I calmed the beating of my heart, but the heat of his lips against mine haunted me. We drove back in silence, and walked up the stairs to our apartments in much the same fashion.

  My mind wouldn’t stop reeling as I raced from thought to thought.

  Him. Me. Kissing.

  “Hey,” Adam said, grabbing my wrist as I turned to my door.

  “Yeah?” I turned to face him, fake smile on my face.

  “You going to be okay?” He cocked his head at me, and I nodded.

  He leaned in, pressing his lips against my forehead.

  “Good,” he said.

  I opened the door with his eyes burning into my back.

  I shut it and let myself fall apart.

  Chapter 11

  The next morning I’d collected myself enough to crawl out of bed, shower and shove more makeup than necessary on my face.

  I looked like hell. The blood vessels under my eyes had popped, like they usually did when I sobbed, but it had been a long time since I’d cried like that. When I looked at the clock I had more than enough time to make breakfast and a pot of coffee, but I just didn’t feel like it.

  I needed a Starbucks ™ . I grabbed my purse and headed out the door.

  “Power suit?” Bobby commented, making me jump as I locked my door.

  “Sure,” I said as I turned to face him and headed down the stairs.

  “Wait up, Jesus! What’s wrong with you?”

  “You know where your parents were last night?” I asked as my ears began to pound.

  “Sure, they were at the hockey game.”

  I turned, jabbing my finger in his eye-level chest.

  I’d had enough of everyone’s games, and Bobby had just confirmed my intuition. It was going to be bad for him, which was fine with me because it was half his fault anyways. He’d known where Adam was going, and still didn’t say anything to remind their parents.

  “What?” I screamed.

  He threw his hands up, stepping back and asking, “Whoa there! What the fuck did I do?”

  “Let me get this straight. Your parents were at a hockey game?” my voice pitched with my angry Boston accent, and Bobby cringed.

  He knew what it meant.

  “I think I’m missing something?”

  “Oh, bullshit!” I yelled in his face. “You know exactly where they were supposed to be!”

  Bobby’s chest rose and fell with the flaring of his nostrils. “And why the fuck do you have all that makeup on?”

  “That’s none of your business,” I said through clenched teeth.

  He grabbed my chin in his hands. “You were crying.”

  I pulled away from him, shoving my hands against him. “Don’t you dare change the subject! You knew where your parents were supposed to be, yet you still made them forget their obligations to their other son—or have you forgotten that he exists just like them!”

  Bobby pushed past me, and I had to grab the rail to keep from falling.

  “We all know for God-damned sure that you could never forget about him!” he shot back over his shoulder.

  I watched him leave out the door, and slammed the back of my head against the wood-paneled wall as the tunnel vision set in.

  “River?” Adam’s voice came from the landing above.

  I ran my hands through my hair as I started back down the stairs.

  “I’m not strong enough for this,” I said to myself.

  “Don’t walk away from me!” Adam called at my back, and I could hear his feet take the steps two at a time.

  “Listen,” he began, pausing as we reached the bottom floor at the same time, and he jumped in front of me to block my exit.

  I looked down at him as he rubbed his foreh
ead with his hand.

  “We can forget about last night, but you don’t have to fight all my battles for me. There’s no reason for you to get mad at Bobby because of me.”

  “You heard that?” I asked, and in an instant I was mortified by my actions.

  He shrugged. “I appreciate it, but when I got home they were there celebrating with him. I’ve been strong about it for years. Last night was just a weak moment.”

  “Okay,” I replied.

  My heart stopped. Then I was right. It was just a weak moment, nothing to think too much about, yet I couldn’t stop.

  “I’ll walk you to your car?” he offered, but I shook my head.

  “I’m on the other side of the lot from your car.”

  His brow furrowed, and I knew why—my assigned parking was next to him.

  “I’ll see you later then?” His eyes searched mine.

  “Sure.”

  Chapter 12

  When I got to work I buried myself in finalizing the pictures for the grand opening of the Sincere salon. The only issue was the fact the pictures were romantic. I closed my eyes as I flicked past the ones of Adam and me. We looked like we were in love, and it just reminded me I certainly was. I found my fingers on my lips as my mind wandered to that kiss.

  I had imagined it in my head since I was twelve—since the day I realized boys weren’t just someone to play hockey with. I peeled my eyes back open and let them wander to the photographs of Adam, then myself and back to the ones he swore were needed to balance everything. I took a deep breath to steady my thudding heart as I thought of how long it had taken to figure out the timing setting on the camera to get the shots just right. We’d laughed as we struggled to reach each other’s arms before the timer was up. Those pictures didn’t work for the shoot, but in my mind they were the best.

  They captured the happiness that Adam made me feel 99.9% of the time. The only time I was miserable was like now, when I couldn’t get the thought of what if out of my head; when I couldn’t stop thinking about the lush feeling of his lips against mine.

  “Now, that! That is perfect!” Jesse’s voice boomed over my shoulder, and I jumped, my face flushing with the thought.