The Tome of Bill (Book 7): The Wicked Dead

by Rick Gualtieri

  Just take her already!

  What the...? Goddamned Dr. Death. Oh well, it was refreshing to learn his interests lay in more than just killing everything. So nice to know being rapey was in his repertoire as well. Sorry to say for him, but this current scenario wasn’t quite the one I had in mind for testing out our little alliance. I sent him a mental note to please pipe down.

  Still...

  Oh fuck it. She deserved to know the truth.

  “You and Ed have been out on a few dates.” Well, okay, some of the truth. Besides, I was sure he wouldn’t mind me throwing him a bone like that.

  “We have? He doesn’t seem my type.”

  “Sure he is. He has a credit card. Or do you only take cash?”

  “I’m sure you’d know all about paying for it.”

  I smiled at her dig. It was familiar, comforting. A small piece of the Sally I’d known, lost, and hoped to find again. “Anyway, it’s true. I even caught you two making out up in Canada.”

  “Was this before or after the Bigfoot shit?”

  “Probably best not to ask.”

  “Kinky.”

  “That’s one word for it.”

  She let out a long sigh. “Whatever was there is a blank now. Try as I might, I can’t see him even standing in the shadows of my dreams. He might as well be a stranger on the street. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mind playing with my food for a bit, but I can’t even do that with him.”

  “Nope. Probably a point to him, though.”

  “Definitely ups his chances for survival.”

  “That it does.”

  “So what about you?”

  “Me?”

  “That explains why he’s always staring at me like I left him at the altar.”

  “I wouldn’t go that far.”

  “To know me is to love me,” she replied with a snicker.

  Funny how just a few short months ago, I’d have had a pithy response to that. Now, though, I just let it pass in silence.

  “So anyway, what’s your deal in all this?” she asked. “Maybe it’s just me, but I get that same vibe from you. I thought you were supposed to be in love with the Icon. Wasn’t that what you were on trial for?”

  “I was never convicted.”

  “And yet here we are.”

  “It’s kinda complicated between me and Sheila.”

  She turned her head and stared hard at me. “Is that because she can kill you with a kiss or because of me?”

  “Mostly the former.”

  “Mostly?”

  Ugh! Talk about your Freudian slips. The assertive part of me that wasn’t a psychopath said this was it – my chance to put all my cards on the table. They say confession is good for the soul. I’m sure the Templar would argue that I had no soul or that it was condemned to hell anyway, but fuck them. Either way, there was no more perfect opportunity to clear the air.

  Even so, would it really count? I mean, shit, I had seen that movie with Drew Barrymore where she had no short term memory. Sure, I’d been high as balls when I’d watched it, but even so, I’d found it just a wee bit creepy. Of course, that might have just been because of Adam Sandler.

  Whatever the case, the concern was still valid. Would it truly be a confession right now, or would it just be dumping even more shit on her already overburdened plate?

  The answer was sadly obvious. My feelings for Sally were too strong to do otherwise.

  “I just want my friend back. I miss her.”

  Sally smiled in return, no sense of sarcasm in it. She was gorgeous on any given day of the week, but seeing something genuine on her face really accentuated that fact. “Your friend sounds like a pretty awesome person.”

  “On occasion. The rest of the time, she’s a bitch.”

  “Asshole.”

  “Yep.”

  Sally chuckled and then sat up. “I guess we should be getting back.”

  I didn’t want the moment to end, but sadly, immortal or not, eternity wasn’t on our side right now. “I guess so.”

  Together, we got to our feet and began the trek back toward the house.

  “Hey,” I said, a thought popping into my head.

  “What is it?”

  “What did you mean back there about having blood on your face?”

  “Oh that? I got thirsty earlier and killed one of the Templar. Figured he wouldn’t be missed.”

  DOWN ON THE FARM

  “Are you...” I started to yell before stopping to look around. Lowering my voice to a loud whisper, I continued, “...fucking insane?”

  “Relax. This is not my first rodeo,” Sally replied as we neared the farmhouse.

  “Did you have to kill him?”

  “What do you think? I have a feeling these guys wouldn’t be cool with letting me take a drink and then keeping their fucking mouths shut afterwards.”

  “Is he ... did you...”

  “Don’t worry. He won’t be coming back ... or found anytime soon either.”

  “And you think they won’t notice?”

  “Relax. It’ll be fine. A few of the cars didn’t make it. We passed one that actually got pulled over by the cops. I bet that was an awkward traffic stop. There was another on the side of the road with a flat.” She stopped walking for a second, a thoughtful look on her face. “You’d think those whack-jobs would maybe be subtle about things, take off those road-flare-colored capes just to change a tire. You’d be wrong. Either way you look at it, we’re a few weirdos short. With the way the world is today, I doubt one or two not showing up for roll call will cause too much suspicion.”

  “One or two?”

  “It’s just a figure of speech.”

  I furrowed my eyebrows and gave her the once over. It wasn’t just for thrills either.

  She noticed my not-so-subtle inspection and added, “I took off my top first. Figured I’d give him the first and last thrill of his life.”

  “You’re too kind.”

  “I know.”

  “Maybe you should give a few lessons to my gaming group. They came back from the barn looking like they’d been rolling in ... oh crap.”

  “What is it?”

  “The Defilers, they...” I stopped as her brows raised questioningly. “That’s what they call themselves. What? It’s no dumber than Sally Sunset.”

  Her confused look turned into a glare.

  “Anyway, they went off to the barn earlier and had themselves a regular vampire hoedown with a cow.”

  “Ewww. You really need new friends.”

  “I mean they ate it, but not like how you did things. They were drenched with blood.”

  “So?”

  “So ... the Templar are paranoid about us as it is. They’re gonna see that and flip the fuck out.”

  “And probably end up turning a more critical eye to who made it back and who didn’t,” she rightly concluded.

  “Exactly.”

  “Oh well. Should be fun to watch.”

  “That’s it? You’re just gonna let them take the fall for what you did?”

  “Hell yeah. The best alibis are the ones that create themselves.”

  * * *

  The most I could do was cross my fingers and hope for the best. Fortunately, it seemed that I was in luck. All was quiet as we entered the house. I passed the living room, and saw both my roommates were sacked out. Call me paranoid, but I checked them until I saw the rise and fall of both their chests.

  “It’s so cute that you care for your pets,” Sally said.

  “Don’t you have a pole you should be shaking your ass on?” A smile crossed my lips as I said it. It felt like one of our normal exchanges. Though it had only been a few days since she’d been mind-wiped, I hadn’t realized how much I missed them.

  A door on the far side of the living room opened and Dave emerged. He had a full vial of blood in one hand, some nasty burns covering his other, and a big shit-eating grin on his face.

  I opened my mouth to say something, but he brush
ed past me. “Can’t talk. My Nobel Prize awaits.”

  “That one worries me,” Sally commented once he’d left.

  “Me too.” I turned back toward the room and saw Sheila emerge from the same door Dave had. She was holding a glowing hand to the crook of her right arm, the sleeve rolled up. I’d seen her do that before. She was healing herself. She looked up, noticed us just as the glow subsided, and rolled her sleeve down again.

  “Hey, guys,” she called out quietly so as to not wake my slumbering roommates.

  “You actually let that nutcase near you?” Sally asked.

  “Was the only way to shut him up,” Sheila replied. “Well, maybe not the only way, but since he’s your friend, Bill...”

  The meaning was clear enough, and I nodded my thanks.

  “Anyway,” she continued, “if it’s all the same with both of you, let’s not tell Bernadette about this. I’m really not in the mood to get a lecture.”

  I mimed zipping my lips. “No problem there. And like I told you before, you don’t have to worry about Dave. He’s a self-absorbed douche, but he’s a self-absorbed douche who only serves himself.”

  “Let’s hope so.”

  “Any more fireworks from upstairs?”

  Sheila nodded and glanced up. “There were a few more outbursts from Harry. Hard to miss them. Those seem to come right through the walls.”

  “I think it’s psychic.”

  She shrugged. “As good an explanation as any. It’s been quiet the last half hour or so. I heard some shuffling around up there, but nothing major, so I’m gonna assume they didn’t kill each other.”

  “I’ll go check on them. It’s almost dawn. Assuming I don’t find a bloodbath, why don’t we all try to crash for a few hours and then...”

  I left the words unspoken. It was painfully obvious what came next. The time for preparation was over. It was time to head north toward our destiny.

  * * *

  A quick check on things showed that Christy and her coven had turned in. They’d apparently been at it all night.

  Something in the middle of one of the rooms was covered in a black shroud – no doubt Decker’s skull and probably something I didn’t want to disturb without hearing him laughing about how doomed I was. Even in death, the guy was still a gigantic cock.

  I next stuck my head in the room that Adam and Mike had appropriated, finding them snoozing away in thankfully clean clothes.

  All was actually peaceful. Maybe, just maybe, we’d get out of this place without any incidents.

  * * *

  Of course, hope is a fool’s errand. I found that out a few hours later when I was abruptly kicked awake. I opened my eyes to find Sally staring down at me. “Rise and shine, cupcake. The natives are getting restless.”

  “I don’t want to go to school, Mom.”

  And with that, I found myself airborne. One moment, I was snuggled up fairly comfortably in a guest bedroom, and the next, I was in the hallway picking myself off the floor.

  “Just for conversation’s sake,” Sally said, stepping out into the hall, “do me a favor and don’t ever call me Mommy.”

  “Noted,” I croaked, righting myself. Jeez, some people sure were cranky in the... “What time is it?”

  “Afternoon. Still plenty of daylight left, though.”

  “Then why...”

  “The Templar, why else? Get moving and you’ll see.”

  I quickly shook off my rather rude awakening, grabbed my glasses, and followed Sally downstairs – the sound of angry voices below already beginning to reach my ears.

  Just as we made it to the main floor, one of Christy’s friends said, “Calm down.”

  “Do not tell me to calm down, harlot of the Adversary!” an unfamiliar male voice, one of the Templar, no doubt, replied.

  “Just for the record, my boyfriend is a bouncer at the local bar. I’d love for you to say that to his face.”

  I stepped into the kitchen just in time to see it was Meg who’d made that remark. She and the geek witch Kelly faced off against three Templar knights. None of them looked particularly happy.

  “All right,” I said, stepping in, “quit the foreplay and get a room.”

  The glares that met me said my joke had fallen flat. Tough crowd.

  Sally chuckled behind me, obviously at my expense, and then turned and walked off – presumably to rouse the rest of the troops.

  “Fine. All joking aside, what’s going on?”

  “I do not answer to your kind,” the Templar who’d been arguing with Meg replied. “I am a holy warrior and, as such, I answer to none but...”

  “You can stop right there, buddy,” I snapped, recognizing him from our impromptu testing the day before. “We both know your faith isn’t worth shit. So stop pretending to be all holier than thou before I beat some manners into you.”

  The Templar glared at me and his hand inched ever so closer to his waist.

  “And don’t even think of going for that gun,” I added almost as an afterthought, hoping the asshole didn’t try to call my bluff.

  Judging from the appreciative looks from the witches, I scored at least a few points with the ladies on that one. Ah, if only my prospective dance card wasn’t already fuller than I’d intended it to be.

  Unfortunately, a pissing match wasn’t the best way to cement an already uneasy alliance between factions who naturally hated one another. So I swallowed my pride and quickly added, “Okay, enough. I apologize for any offense, but Sheila ... the Blessed One and your leader have already spoken on this matter. We’re in this together whether we like it or not, so let’s try to be civil and work this out like reasonable people. So I ask again, what’s going on?”

  For a moment, I thought nobody was going to say anything, but then Kelly broke the silence. “Some of their men didn’t come back from patrol, and now they’re blaming us.”

  Oh crap, I was afraid of this. “Us?”

  “Anyone who falls under the category of supernatural being.”

  What a surprise. “Ah, thanks.”

  “Do not understate the problem, witch,” another of the Templar, a young guy with a nasty scar down the left side of his face, said. “Six of our brothers have gone missing since night fell.”

  “Six?” I asked, mentally making a note to have a word with Sally once she got back. “Are you sure? I mean, I heard there were a few cars that didn’t...”

  “We’re aware of those,” he replied acidly. “I’m not talking about them. These were brothers who were present and accounted for yesterday.”

  “Okay, fine.” I was tempted to offer the old standby about being sure there was a rational explanation, but then remembered the group I was dealing with. “So, that begs the question of why you’re naturally assuming one of us did it.”

  “We found these downstairs in the laundry.” The third Templar tossed a t-shirt and pair of jeans onto the floor in front of him. The jeans were discolored, but it was the shirt that was damning. Though faded from washing, it was pretty obviously covered in what could have been dried blood stains.

  Oh, who was I kidding? I recognized the shirt as Mike’s. He’d been wearing it yesterday when he, Adam, and Dave had gone cow sipping.

  Fucking morons, all of them.

  “I can explain that,” I said, knowing how that probably sounded as all eyes in the room turned toward me. I swear, once this was all over, I was getting a job as a janitor, considering all the experience I had cleaning up other people’s messes. “There’s a barn out back. If you go out there and check, you’ll find ... well, I’m not one-hundred percent certain of what you’ll find, but I’m sure it’ll account for this.”

  “Wait,” Meg said. “What do you mean out in the barn? You mean the stable where the livestock are kept?”

  “Uh yeah. My friends might have sort of paid a visit there yesterday. They said there was a cow and...”

  “What the fuck did they do to Benny?”

  “Benny?”

&nbs
p; “My shorthorn bull. I raised him from a calf.”

  “You named your bull Benny?”

  “Don’t judge me.”

  * * *

  Needless to say, Meg was not pleased to discover that Benny had been defiled, so to speak. Thankfully, Sally picked that moment to return with both Sheila and Christy in tow.

  The Templar’s attitude took a one-hundred-eighty-degree turn in Sheila’s presence. She was able to calm them down, make them sit tight until Bernadette – who was out scouring the property for signs of her missing people – could return.

  Sadly, Christy wasn’t in nearly as conciliatory of a mood. She joined Meg in bitching me out for my friends’ actions – as if I’d turned into a wholesale butcher overnight.

  While this was going on, the Templar sent runners to the barn to confirm my story. Thankfully, it checked out. While there were plenty of remains to be found – jeez, they’d even killed a couple of ducks, fucking weirdos – none were human. This didn’t do much to dissuade the present company from thinking that vampires were assholes, but it pointed away from my friends being murdering assholes. Thank goodness nobody said shit about what they’d done back in Brooklyn.

  As things got sorted out, I managed to slip away and pull Sally aside. Once out of earshot, I said, “Six Templar are missing.”

  “So?”

  “So,” I hissed, “is there anything you want to tell me?”

  “Nothing I haven’t already said.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Do I look like someone who can’t count?”

  I opened my mouth to say something pithy, but then quickly closed it. I had no desire to be force-fed my own teeth. Also, there was no reason to assume she was lying. Why bother confessing to killing one Templar just to cover up killing six? There was also the fact of her unsoiled clothing. I could buy taking down one guy in a way that didn’t leave a mess, but a half dozen? Sally was good, but that would have required Navy SEAL-like training ... or maybe her stripping naked first, killing them, then finding a place to shower off.

  Tempting as that imagery was, it didn’t add up.