The Tome of Bill (Book 7): The Wicked Dead

by Rick Gualtieri

  She pulled the trigger, and I ducked to make sure I didn’t get hit with any ricochets.

  The creature screamed as she continued to fire, the light in its one eye flickering several times before finally going out.

  She used the distraction to get behind the beast, grab it by the eye socket she’d just peppered with gunfire, and begin to pull. “Make a wish!”

  “Fine,” I replied, reversing course and pulling the Jahabich toward me. “I wish for a pony for Christmas.”

  “What about living through this?” she asked, continuing to put on the pressure.

  “I ... think ... I have ... a better shot at the pony.” The creature’s head snapped at the jawline and its rocky hide crumbled as half its face was pulled back over its body.

  “That’s one,” I said, breathing hard from the effort. Damn, these things were tough.

  “Rest break’s over, lover,” Sally said. “There’s more coming.”

  I glanced up at her use of the L-word. She immediately realized her slip of the tongue because she rolled her eyes and said, “Not now, genius.”

  Just like a woman to send mixed signals when in the middle of an apocalyptic battle with rock monsters from the center of the Earth. It figures.

  I took a moment to gather my bearings, to see where I was needed most.

  Vehron was still standing at the periphery of the fight, his eyes glued to me – oh great, a voyeuristic asshole to boot.

  Christy was hitting the creatures hard, whenever she could get a clean shot in – fusing them solid with lances of magical fire.

  Dave was playing it smart – and cowardly – strategically keeping a few of Gan’s men between him and the Jahabich. Vampire or not, he knew his limitations as a warrior.

  Not so much Adam. He was fighting alongside the Mongolian assassins, still acting like this was one big game – failing to realize that where they were knocking chunks of rock away with each blow, all he was doing was getting in the way.

  Ugh. I had a feeling that by the time this was all over and done with, I’d need a completely new gaming group.

  I turned to check on Tom and Ed and saw they were ... oof!

  I’d forgotten the Jahabich might look like piles of shit-colored bricks, but they moved with a surprising amount of stealth when they wanted to.

  The creature hit me from behind in a glancing blow that just caused me to stagger. When I turned around to face it, though, I found myself right in the path of a sweeping haymaker from one of its club-like arms.

  My ribs snapped like matchsticks, and I found myself airborne. At least dirt made for a somewhat softer landing than asphalt. Of course, that didn’t mean it hurt any less.

  I tried to sit up and immediately screamed in pain. Two of my ribs had splintered and were now poking out of my abdomen. It was just as pleasant to see as it was to feel.

  The funny part was, as the creature advanced upon me, raising its arms to pound me into pudding, the only thing I could think about was how disappointed Vehron probably was in my performance. Story of my life. On the upside, I didn’t have to worry about anyone labeling me an overachiever.

  “Hold on, Bill, I’m coming!”

  I glanced past the creature and saw Tom rushing my way, having left the safety of his fiancée’s force bubble. Idiot. What the fuck was he going to do, hope the Jahabich wanted to trade Pokémon cards with him?

  I’d have yelled for him to not be an idiot, but my insides were currently disallowing any vocalizations outside of bloody gurgles.

  “Hey, asshole!” Tom yelled, gaining the Jahabich’s attention for a moment. “Pick on someone your own size. I am the jalapeño in Satan’s cheese dip, fucker!”

  Huh?

  Just then, something else entered my periphery. Gan appeared on the opposite side of the creature. While its head was swiveled toward Tom, she attacked it with the heavy mace she’d been carrying. I’d always been a sword guy in our weekly game, but suddenly, I could understand the appeal of the ungainly, but far heavier weapon. The Jahabich’s head exploded from the impact as it were a water balloon.

  Rubble and orange goo sprayed out, most of it catching Tom straight on.

  “Oh gross!” he cried as the remains of the creature fell over and landed with a heavy thud in the dirt.

  Gan dropped to her knees by my side. “There is no time to argue, my love, so do not try.”

  “Why?” I gurgled, my healing finally starting to kick in a little.

  Gan simply reached over, raked her hand over the razor-sharp skin of the dead Jahabich, and then shoved it into my mouth.

  Oh gross. Who the hell knew what shit piles that thing had walked through? I tried to spit it out, but she was far stronger than me – especially right now. When I tried to protest, she just shoved her hand further in, nearly triggering my gag reflex.

  Instead, my mouth filled with her blood. I’d been there before, so I knew the drill. I swallowed, and her crazy puberty-ridden vampire blood, blood that somehow gave her the speed of a vamp twice her age, hit my stomach like a bundle of dynamite.

  Yep, that was another one I was gonna owe her.

  * * *

  Gan’s warriors did their damnedest to keep the creatures off us as my healing gladly accepted the boost and I watched, wide-eyed, as my ribs shifted and pulled back into my body. Gross to see, but pretty fucking magnificent to experience. Not a moment too soon either. With Gan’s blood in me, I stood a chance against these things.

  After several more seconds, I sat up, feeling the rest of my internal organs shift back into place where they belonged.

  “Are you okay, beloved?”

  “Fine.” I swallowed my pride and added, “Thank you, Gan.”

  “It is always a pleasure to share my fluids with you, my love.”

  Well, if that didn’t creep me the fuck out, I didn’t know what would. Speaking of fluids, though, Tom also stepped to my side – still looking like someone had dumped a mega-sized Orange Julius over his head.

  “How you feeling?” he asked.

  “Better. You?”

  “Nothing a long shower won’t cure.”

  “Hah. You look like the guest of honor at a radioactive bukakke festival.”

  “I am not familiar with those, my love,” Gan said. “Perhaps one day you shall take me.”

  Tom spewed laughter, spraying some Jahabich gunk on me. Asshole. I reached up a hand toward him, then seeing the slime-covered one he went to offer, pulled back. “Never mind. I think I can do this on my own. Oh, you might want to get some wet wipes for those.”

  He glanced down at his bandolier of toys and sighed. “These fuckers better hope this shit cleans off easily because if not, I’m gonna kill every single one of them.”

  “That is unlikely,” Gan replied, turning to see if any more of the creatures were advancing upon us.

  “What the hell was with that cheese dip line?” I asked him.

  “Oh, we’re always spouting someone else’s one-liner. Thought I’d give it a shot and try something of my own.”

  “Keep trying.” I stood up and glanced around. About half the Jahabich were dead or fused into statues. Unfortunately, there were just as many clouds of dust settling to the forest floor.

  Through it all, Vehron continued to watch me – bemusement on his face. Fucking asshole. It was time to wipe that grin right off.

  “Gan,” I said as quietly as I could.

  “Yes, beloved.”

  “I need your help.”

  “Anything. I would climb any mountain. Fight any enemy. Slay half the world if you so...”

  “Yeah, yeah, yeah, that’s all fascinating. I need to bite all of your people.”

  “Oh?”

  “I don’t have time to explain,” I whispered. “I just need you to trust me, and send them in one at a time.”

  “You need not explain, Dr. Death. You wish to see if their cumulative power will be enough to engage The Destroyer.”

  “You know about that?”<
br />
  “Of course. I am a student of our history. How could I not?”

  “Well, I didn’t know until recently and ... anyway, never mind that. Will you help me out?”

  The insane gleam in her eye told me all I needed to know. Hell, if I’d asked, she’d have ordered her men to line up and slice off their own balls for my amusement. Needless to say, I was really glad I didn’t work for her.

  I sincerely doubted any of her warriors were under a century in age. Most of them were probably a great deal older. The only question was whether there were enough of them.

  I didn’t just need to match Vehron – I needed to blow him out of the water. The guy was an experienced warrior. Equal power meant shit if he took me apart with a bunch of ancient vampire Jujitsu moves.

  “Get back to Ed,” I told Tom.

  “I can...”

  “I can’t do this if I’m worrying about you.”

  For a moment, he looked like he was about to argue, but then he nodded and turned back toward...

  “Where the fuck is he?”

  “Huh?” I glanced past him. Christy’s purple force shield was down. But how?

  “There!” Tom pointed.

  Christy was on her knees, obviously exhausted. Sally was the only one with her, trying to fend off two of the creatures and paying the price for it.

  “Oh crap.”

  “Double crap!” Tom said. Sure enough, he was right. One of the Jahabich was walking toward where Vehron stood, Ed’s unconscious form draped over its shoulder.

  “I will help the witch and your whore,” Gan said, stepping to my side.

  “But I thought you hated Christy.”

  “Indeed I do, but I dislike earning your ire more. She is, after all, your friend.”

  Holy crap. I was touched. Maybe the psychotic little hobbit understood a bit of what I’d been trying to tell her after all. “I could kiss you,” I said, before realizing what a stupid thing that was to say.

  “When this is over with, my love, I shall hold you to your pledge.” Without another word, she was off – covering the distance to Sally in a heartbeat.

  Then I remembered I could do the same. I had her power. I didn’t intend to waste the opportunity.

  “Stay put,” I said to Tom, then I felt everything around me seemingly slow down as I sped up far past my normal limits. Gan might be the fate worse than death waiting for me at the end of all this, but she could sure as shit be handy in a pinch.

  The Jahabich was only steps from its master, partner, or whatever Vehron was to it. Thankfully, those were steps it was never going to take. I overtook it easily, extending the claws of my left hand and driving them into its back.

  The creature didn’t particularly appreciate that and spun to face me, flinging Ed away in the process. Oh well, at least I didn’t have to worry about accidentally decking my roommate.

  The enraged Jahabich threw itself at me, a mass of swinging clubs and a big honking mouth full of granite teeth. Too bad for it, that I’d just eaten my Wheaties.

  I leapt inside its defenses, its massive arms closing around my midsection. Before it could lay the bite down on me, though, I shoved both my fists deep into its glowing eye sockets. I wasn’t too keen on touching Jahabich brain, or whatever passed for it, so I immediately spread my arms wide, putting everything I had into it until my fists exploded out of opposite sides of the creature’s head.

  Needless to say, that took the fight out of it.

  I kicked it to the side and looked up to find Vehron standing over Ed.

  “Don’t touch him,” I said.

  “I have not, have I?”

  “You said you’d make good on our bargain.”

  “I said I would consider it, if you won. Your friends fight bravely and you...” He hesitated, as if trying to find the right words. “You have a style all your own. As of yet, though, you have won nothing. I am simply ready to claim what is mine when the inevitable occurs.”

  “Why do you want him?”

  “I do not.”

  “I don’t suppose you could maybe give me a straight answer, y’know, without the fucking riddles.”

  “And my reason for this? I have called you brother, yet you insist upon calling me enemy.”

  He had a point there. I supposed telling me his nefarious plan was entirely optional on his part.

  Gah! I didn’t have time for these games, standing around and talking while my friends fought for their very lives.

  I glanced over and saw Gan making good on her word, helping Sally defend Christy. Unfortunately, more of those things appeared to be swarming out of the hole and heading their way. Looking back at Vehron’s smug grin, I got the impression this was purposeful. He wanted me to choose.

  “I’m taking Ed with me.”

  “No. He shall stay here if you choose to help your other friends. He will be safe.”

  There was no way I could win this. I could help my friends and lose Ed, because don’t think for one second I trusted this guy to not pick him up and walk off. Or I could fight him, which would kinda be like me deciding to try and punch out a mountain.

  At least in the one scenario, I could do some good, make a difference. If we managed to win, we could still maybe get away, join up with Sheila, and storm this guy’s fortress together.

  Yeah, that made the most sense.

  So, of course, rather than do that, I made the decision to do the craziest thing possible.

  It’s just who I am.

  * * *

  I turned and took a few steps toward my friends, keeping an eye on Vehron, who just kept grinning that asshole grin of his. God, how I hated smug douche-bags.

  Then, using Gan’s speed to my advantage, I bent down, grabbed the Jahabich I’d just killed, and whipped its body at the fucker.

  Having nearly a half ton of rock thrown your way is nothing to sneeze at, for normal folks anyway. Vehron merely backhanded the beast, the sound making a crack like thunder throughout the forest. It practically exploded from the impact, rocks and orange sludge flying in every direction.

  That was the part I’d been counting on.

  No matter how strong you are, how good you can see, or how well you can smell – a distraction is still that. He’d smacked the creature, no doubt aiming to send a message of just how powerful he was. He had, don’t get me wrong, but he’d also created a cloud of debris that masked me as I rushed in.

  I went low, grabbed Ed’s arm and dragged him toward me. I was sure when he woke up, he wouldn’t appreciate being given the sack of potatoes treatment, but for now, he didn’t get a vote.

  Before I could make any headway, though, a pair of powerful hands grabbed me from behind and dragged me off. Guess I wasn’t as distracting as I’d hoped. Fast as I was, this asshole was even faster. I was pulled to my feet as Vehron locked an arm around my neck.

  Without giving it any thought, I bent low and twisted my shoulder – throwing him over me and onto the ground below. Woo! Once Sally got her memories back, I’d have to solemnly thank her for those grueling Judo lessons.

  Just for good measure, I drove a punch into Vehron’s face before he could get back up. I might as well have been trying to sink a battleship with my fist, but it still felt good to hear a crunch from his nose as my knuckles hit home.

  “Bill, catch!”

  Huh? I turned and Sally, maybe a dozen yards away, threw her gun my way. I watched it sail right past me, clattering to the ground several feet away. Damnit! Probably should have told her that games of catch with my dad often ended the same way.

  Sadly, my momentary respite was over. Vehron did a kip-up back to a standing position, then spun to face me. Fuckers always gotta show off. I had a feeling I wasn’t going to get a second chance. So much for my plans of sucking on all of Gan’s men – which would hopefully have been far less fruity in practice than it sounded.

  “You get Ed. I’ve got this motherfucker!”

  What?!

  In the chaos of battle,
neither of us had noticed Tom come running our way. Well, okay, I hadn’t. Vehron probably paid him about as much mind as a flea.

  “Get back, you crazy...”

  But I was too late with my warning. Tom jumped onto Vehron piggyback style, like he was a kid asking for a horsey ride. However, this cowboy had spurs.

  A small pantheon of faith-empowered toys touched home against the elder vamp, and their wrath was terrible to behold. White flame erupted from Vehron’s back like he was being doggy-styled with a magnesium flare.

  Gone was the smug grin and in its place a roar of surprise and anguish. Ah, it was music to my ears.

  “Feel free to just keep fucking standing there,” Tom cried, barely holding on.

  Oh yeah. That spurred me to action, especially since painful didn’t necessarily equal lethal where a guy like this was concerned. We’d hit him hard before and it had barely left a dent.

  I glanced to my left where Sally’s gun had fallen. With any luck, it was full of silver bullets, a skull-full of which would definitely fuck up this guy’s shit.

  It was the space of only a few steps to retrieve it, barely a blip of time with Gan’s speed at my disposal, but it was still too long. I spun back, bringing the gun level with his face, only to find he’d reached back and managed to snag a handful of Tom’s jacket.

  Vehron’s hand immediately ignited as Tom was quite literally covered in collectibles, but that didn’t seem to matter to him as he dragged my roommate off.

  Aflame or not, he backhanded my friend, sending teeth flying. Shit!

  “Tom!” Christy’s voice rang out from somewhere outside of my periphery, but I was already on the move.

  Claws extended, I raked them down the asshole’s face, digging deep furrows in his cheek as I raised the gun with my other hand and prepared to ventilate this fucker’s skull up close and personal ... UGH!

  Something hard collided with my jaw, and it was only as I was knocked away that I realized it was my roommate’s skull.

  I landed and immediately rolled back to my feet, but I was too late.

  *crack*

  “NO!”