Torn (Summer In Winter)

by C. J. Scott

  Dear old Gran, as stubborn as she was old fashioned, and the only family I had left.

  "I'm glad it's you taking her, Ryder," she said in a soft voice. "Better a Cavanagh instead of one of those other boys."

  "What other boys?" he asked.

  She waved her hand, the one that held the cane, and almost whacked me with it. "Any of them."

  Ryder arched a brow at me. I shook my head, dismissing his question. Gran didn't know about the two other guys who'd asked me to the prom. She was just saying weird things for her own amusement.

  Ryder handed me the box and helped me loop the corsage strap around my wrist. "Ready?" he asked.

  "I'll be late, Gran," I said, kissing her cheek. "But call if you need me. I have my cell."

  "Call my dad," Ryder told her. "He's closer." He winked and opened the front door for me.

  I felt like Cinderella being led to her carriage by her prince. Okay, so the prince never saw her carriage, but the idea was the same. I was floating on air as we drove off, my heart fluttering inside my chest. Ryder was silent most of the way to Beth's house in town, and that gave me a chance to relive the moment he'd first seen me. I would never forget the way his face had looked—awed at first, like he couldn't believe I was Jane Merriweather, then his eyes had heated and I'd seen something I'd never seen before. Desire. I now knew why Jane and Kate liked to wear sexy things. To have a guy you wanted look at you like he wanted to lick you all over was an amazing feeling. Powerful.

  Beth's parents took photos of the four of us then we drove out of Winter and into Riverside, a half-hour away. Winter was too small to have its own high school, so the handful of kids from Winter either caught the bus or drove to school every day. We met Kate, Lucy and their dates outside the community hall, had more photos, then finally went inside.

  The hall still looked bland and cold, but with streamers added. A bit lame, but the decorations committee had to work with a limited budget. It didn't matter anyway, because everyone seemed to be having a great time. Looking around, it was hard to tell that anyone had come with dates. Most of the girls stood together, checking out the other girls, and most of the guys stood on the other side doing the same thing.

  Ryder stuck with me. Being Ryder, everyone came up to him to say hi. He was a magnet, and not just for girls, but guys too. They all wanted to be his friend, be noticed by him. I'd seen it before, of course, but this time I was part of it. It was surreal. We were the sun and everyone else the planets revolving around us.

  Those who didn't know we'd come together, soon did. The way he told them too, with a hint of pride and wonder in his voice, didn't make me feel like a charity case either.

  I received a few comments, mostly from guys who said something along the lines of, "Wow, you look great, Jane!" Some of the girls were nice too, but many gave me a closed-mouth smile or ignored me altogether.

  "How did she score him?" one girl whispered to her friend as they walked off.

  "They're neighbors," the other said, as if that explained everything.

  "Tina's not going to like this."

  That turned out to be the understatement of the century. Tina looked amazing. Supermodel amazing. She knew it too. She stood a good head taller than most girls, except Beth, and the back of her dress plunged almost to her butt. I was pretty sure she wasn't wearing a bra—something I couldn't get away with, sadly—and the evening was cool enough that her nipples were showing through the white fabric. If she knew it, she didn't care. Most girls would try to hide them, but not Tina. She sauntered past the guys and they all stared, panting.

  All except Ryder. Whether he was ignoring her on purpose or he just hadn't taken any notice of her, it was hard to tell. He seemed to be enjoying himself. He danced, sometimes with me, he talked and laughed with his friends, making sure I was included in the conversations if I wasn't off with my own friends. Once, while he was deep in conversation, he put his arm around my waist as if it were a natural thing to do and did it all the time.

  I don't know what happened for the next few minutes. My head spun, my heart completely lost its rhythm, and I felt a little nauseated. Somehow I managed to keep cool, at least on the outside, until Ryder seemed to notice what he was doing and let go. I stood there like a mannequin, wondering what, if anything I should read into his actions.

  I decided that he must have forgotten that he was with me. He was Ryder and I was Plain Jane, and we were just friends. There was no chance I'd be anything more to him. Not tonight, not ever. He'd asked me to the prom out of sympathy, told me I looked good out of obligation, and put his arm around me out of absent-mindedness. I was deluding myself thinking anything had changed between us.

  I muttered an excuse and left. I didn't look back to see if he watched me leave, but he certainly didn't follow me. That alone said it all.

  I went outside to get some fresh air, but the air soon became too fresh. I didn't want to return inside yet so I headed around the corner, out of the breeze. I leaned against the cold brick wall and closed my eyes. I didn't cry. I'd never cried over Ryder and I wouldn't start now. He'd never promised me anything more than being his date, and I had no right to expect otherwise.

  But my heart ached like someone had stuck a hook through it and was trying to pull it out between my ribs.

  Low voices startled me and I opened my eyes. As they drew closer, I recognized them both. Ryder and Tina.

  "Let me pass." Ryder's voice held a hint of impatience. "I'm looking for someone."

  "Who?"

  "Just move out of my way please."

  "Oh my god! It's that fat cow, isn't it?"

  "Don't." The word was like a steel blade cutting through the crisp night air.

  Tina snorted. "I know you're friends, but Jesus, Ryder, she's so ordinary. Why did you have to come with her? Everyone's laughing at you behind your back, you know."

  "You mistake me for someone who cares."

  "You should.

  He sighed. "Stop it, Tina. It's over between us and it's got nothing to do with Jane. Okay?"

  "It doesn't have to be over." Her voice had turned smoky, throaty. "I'm so hot for you, Baby. Let's go to your car."

  "That's enough, Tina. I'm not interested anymore." Fabric rustled and I heard footsteps. Maybe he moved away, or she did.

  "I hate you!" she hissed. "I fucking hate you."

  "Tina—"

  "No! You don't get to be the nice guy anymore. Not after the way you've treated me."

  "How have I—?"

  "I'm going to open everyone's eyes and show them that you're a heartless asshole." It didn't sound like Tina anymore, but like she'd been possessed. Her voice was a primal growl that came from the depths of her. "Not even your precious fucking college will touch you after I tell everyone you raped me."

  "Jesus, Tina!"

  I gasped. I covered my mouth, but it was too late. They both came round the corner. Tina's face was priceless. Even in the poor light I could see the color drain from it.

  "Jane!" Ryder blew out a long breath and closed his eyes. His relief was palpable. He knew Tina could cause him a ton of trouble if she made an accusation of rape against him. She might not be able to prove it and it probably wouldn't stand up under investigation, but there would be lingering doubts in people's minds. Some would even keep the rumors alive because they'd want to see Winter's good guy fall. That's just the way some are. If those rumors reached the college scholarship board, Ryder's career would be over before it even began.

  I wasn't going to let her do that to him.

  "I heard you," I told her, moving closer. My fists opened and closed at my sides. I was furious that someone would want to ruin another's life with such a vicious, sick lie. "I heard everything you said and you are not going to accuse him of anything. If you do, I'll repeat what I just heard and you will only come off looking like a desperate piece of trash."

  Some of the color returned to her face. Her nostrils flared. She looked like a bull preparing to charge.
"You fat, ugly bitch. You think—"

  "Enough, Tina!" Ryder snapped.

  "Oh, please," I sneered, ignoring him and stepping close to her so that we were toe to toe. She was several inches taller, but my anger lifted me up. "You've got to do better than that."

  I didn't see her hand coming. The sound her palm made as it connected with my cheek was like a whip cracking. I stood there, my face stinging, staring after her as she spun on her heel and stalked off.

  I couldn't believe it. I just couldn't believe it. I'd never been hit in my life, never got involved in confrontations of any sort. I was the nice girl, the boring one, the one whose feathers were always smooth. Yet I'd just been bitch-slapped by the biggest bitch of them all.

  In a weird way, it felt kind of good. Tina had been backed into a corner by me and her only means of escape was to hit out. It meant I'd out-smarted her, that I'd won. Now I knew how it felt for Ryder and his team when they scored a touchdown.

  Ryder.

  I must have been in some kind of shock because it took a moment to register that he was talking and had his arm around me. It wasn't until he gently cupped my face that my head cleared. I focused on his worried eyes and smiled.

  "Don't worry about her," I said. "She won't say anything."

  "I'm not worried about her, I'm worried about you." His thumb rubbed gently along my sore cheek. "Jesus, Jane, are you all right?"

  I nodded.

  "I can't believe she did that." He shook his head and glanced over his shoulder. "I can't believe I went out with her for as long as I did."

  "She's very pretty." It was a pathetic thing to say. I guess my brain wasn't working properly yet.

  He shook his head. "No, she's not. Not when you scratch the surface."

  He leaned forward and brought his lips to mine, not quite touching. My breasts pillowed against the hard barrier of his chest. His breath warmed me. He smelled of cologne and something baser that filled me to the brim.

  "Not like you," he murmured.

  Then he kissed me. It was soft and light and just like it had been in my dreams. It stole my breath then gave it back to me. It was like he held my heart in the palm of his hand and cradled it like a baby bird. Perfect. My first ever kiss, and it was with Ryder.

  Life couldn't get any better.

  He pulled away. "Fuck." He dragged his hand through his hair. "I…I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from."

  You don't have to apologize. That's what I meant to say, but my voice wouldn't work and my tongue had gone thick in my mouth. My heart slammed into my chest. God, it hurt. I blinked back tears and stared at him. He turned away, lowered his head, and sucked in deep breaths that made his entire body rise and fall with the effort.

  I watched his broad, strong back, and wished I had the courage to put my arms around his waist and press my cheek to it. I wanted to tell him it was all right, that there was nothing wrong with us kissing, that it was what I wanted, and if that's all he was prepared to give me now then it was okay because I would wait.

  But I didn't. I was a coward. I didn't want to hear him say to me what he'd just said to Tina: 'I'm not interested.' I didn't want to hear him tell me that kiss was a mistake.

  Tears pricked the backs of my eyes, but I held them in check. I composed myself just in time for him to turn around again.

  His face was screwed up in a wince, like he was in physical pain. "I'm sorry, Jane. I…wasn't thinking. We're good, right? We're still friends? Still the same?"

  I nodded. What else could I do? Throw myself at him like all the other girls did? "Just the same." My voice sounded hollow and I don't know how he was convinced by it.

  He blew out a slow breath. "Do you want to go back inside?"

  "No. You go. I'm going to sit out here for a bit." And wallow in my self-pity.

  "Mind if I stay? I don't want to see Tina again just yet."

  "Do you think she'll make good on her threat and tell everyone you…?"

  He shook his head. "She's hot and cold. She would have calmed down by now and realized it was a mistake." He offered me a small smile. "Thanks for standing up for me."

  "It's what friends do." God, I sounded like a Hallmark card.

  "Come and sit on the bench over there. Here, take my jacket." He removed his jacket and handed it to me. I hesitated then put it on. It was warm and smelled of Ryder, precisely the reason I didn't want to put it on in the first place, but ultimately the reason why I did.

  We walked side-by-side to the bench overlooking the community park that backed onto the river. Just like that, the kiss was brushed aside like a piece of lint. He'd forgotten it.

  I never would.

  "What are you going to do next year when everyone's gone?" he asked. It was an innocuous question, one that he probably asked to stave off the awkwardness that had settled over us than any real interest in my answer.

  "I don't know. Take care of Gran. Fix up the house."

  "That's it?"

  I looked at him. His hair gleamed in the moonlight, making it appear blonder. "What else is there to do around here? I'll probably try to get a part-time job in Riverside since there's nothing in Winter."

  He shrugged one shoulder. "But don't you want to do something else? Have a career? See the world?"

  "No. I want to stay in Winter."

  "But what about after your Gran dies? Sorry," he added quickly. "I don't mean to imply that she's going to. I think Mrs. M will live forever."

  I laughed, not at all offended. Gran had a lot of life in her yet. "I guess I'm just not that ambitious."

  "That's okay," he said, as if I needed his permission. "Not everyone has to have an ambition."

  "I hear a 'but' in there."

  He tilted his head and gave me his crooked smile. "But everyone should have a purpose."

  "Aren't they the same thing?"

  "No. Ambition is about what you want, purpose is about what you do. If you have no purpose then you're just living half a life, waiting for things to happen to you instead of making them happen."

  "You sound like a bad meme."

  He laughed. "Sorry. I think I'm turning into my coach."

  "I'm glad you have ambition, Ryder, and purpose too. You'll just have to accept that you have enough for both of us."

  He sighed. "You know, I envy that in you sometimes."

  "My apathy, you mean?"

  "No," he said on a laugh. "You're one of the most contented people I know and it's probably because you don't have any ambition."

  If only he knew how wrong he was. That kiss had shaken me to the core. My bones were still rattling around in my body. I wasn't content, I was a bundle of barely contained hormones and dangerously close to making a fool of myself.

  I kept talking to keep the hormones at bay. "You're not content? But you have everything to look forward to. College, a new team, and maybe you'll get picked up by one of the national teams in a few years."

  He snorted softly.

  I looked hard at him. He stared straight ahead, unmoving except for his throat as he swallowed heavily. "You're good enough, Ryder. You know you are."

  "Do I?"

  Didn't he? How could he not know that after being awarded MVP three years running?

  He turned to me and rubbed his hand over his mouth and chin. "What if I fail? I've been a star player at Riverside, but now I'm going somewhere where everyone's been a star player in their home town. I'll just be average, or worse. What if they're all better than me? What if I can't cut it?" He spoke fast, as if the words were tumbling out of him without him putting any thought into them. This was not the Ryder Cavanagh I was used to.

  "You're right," I said.

  He blinked at me. "What?"

  "Maybe you won't be able to cut it. Maybe you'll just be average." Like the rest of us, I could have added but didn't. "Maybe you'll fail."

  He slumped forward and rested his elbows on his knees. "Gee, thanks. You're a real help."

  "Hear me out. You might fail,
but you might not. In fact, you might be a star. Thing is, you won't know until you go there and start playing."

  He looked at me sideways, his hair over his eyes. "That's quite a pep talk. Coach should get some tips off you."

  I nudged his shoulder. Friendly. I didn't put my arm around him like I wanted to and kiss away his worries.

  "Just go to college," I said. "Have fun. Play football the way you always have, with your heart and soul. If it doesn't work out, come back here to Winter. This place isn't going anywhere."

  I'm not going anywhere.

  Maybe he heard my unspoken words anyway, or guessed at them, because he straightened and took my hand. But there was no desire in his eyes, not like when he'd kissed me. Only sadness. "Thanks. I needed to hear that. Jane?"

  "Hmmm?"

  "The reason I stopped kissing you back there—"

  "Don't, Ryder." I pulled my hand free. "It's done. Finished. I don't want to dissect it."

  "I do and I'm going to. I liked it. I liked kissing you a hell of a lot."

  My heart cracked. I was surprised he didn't hear it. I didn't move in case it shattered completely. Nor did I look at him. I couldn't, not if I wanted to keep breathing.

  "But I can't have a relationship with you now. Not when I'm leaving. My life is going to get hectic and it wouldn't be fair on either of us to try and make this work."

  It sounded horribly familiar. It was the same reason he'd given for breaking up with Tina only a week ago. Nice to know where I stood in the pecking order. Right alongside the bitch from hell. Maybe I was warped in the head, but that made me laugh. Tina would hate to be alongside me in anything.

  "Jane, it gets worse."

  "Oh, goody."

  "Don't," he said, his voice strangled. "Please, don't make a joke out of this." He blew out a breath. "Dad's coming with me. There's nothing for him here now, he said, and there'll be more work for him in the city. I probably won't be coming back to Winter for…for awhile."

  Forever. That's what he'd been going to say. I didn't need to hear it to know it in my soul. He wasn't going to make the effort to come back for a vacation. Not even to see me. Why would he? I was just a school friend, a neighbor. Someone you remember fondly when you look at old photos, then forget about when you put them away.