Torn (Summer In Winter)

by C. J. Scott

  He gave me a sad smile. "Don't be. I know you're not going to forgive me after just a few words."

  It was more than merely 'a few words' and I felt ashamed at how glibly I'd dismissed them. He'd dug those words up from the depths of his soul and offered them to me with raw honesty. It wasn't fair that my fear of opening my heart to him again made me snippy.

  But that same fear stopped me from explaining myself to him. Ryder and I could be friends again, but my heart would remain safely locked inside my ribcage when he was around from now on.

  "I feel like I'm in limbo," he said. "I haven't been proven innocent or guilty. I can't move forward and I can't go back."

  "You need to try," I said. "It'll be hard to get through the next few days and weeks, but you can move on from this, Ryder."

  He nodded, but didn't look convinced. "It'll be good to help Dad around here. Might help me to keep my mind off it while I decide what to do next."

  "What do you mean? You'll go back to college in the fall like everybody else. It'll all have calmed down by then."

  "I don't know about that. They haven't stuck by me so far. I expect my scholarship to be terminated any day."

  "Then forget about football for a year or so. Finish your degree elsewhere with no scholarship then decide what you want to do."

  "With what money?"

  I rounded the table and stood by his chair. He looked up at me, frowning, and I caught his chin in my hand. He didn't try to pull free even though my grip was hard and must have hurt. "You need to get a new purpose, Ryder. The old one is gone and you can't float around Winter waiting for a new one to drop into your lap. You have to go out and get it."

  His frown deepened. "What are you talking about?"

  I let go of his chin and perched on the edge of the table. "This incident with Sabrina doesn't have to define you. It's not who you are. Being a footballer is not who you are, or a college student." I tapped his chest. "Who you are is in here. Once you realize that then you'll attract the right sort of girl."

  His lids drooped over his eyes like shutters. "I know what the right sort of girl is. Now."

  "Well. Good, because I was beginning to sound like a cheesy Disney show."

  He chuckled. "Jane—"

  "I haven't finished." He cocked his head to the side and waited. "You used to tell me that I had no purpose in my life and you were right," I said. "I didn't have one, but now I do and it makes me feel great. Complete. Before, I was half a person, and half a person is boring and listless. Not that you'll ever be boring, Ryder, but you do need to do something that will complete you. So stop wallowing, and go out and find your new purpose."

  He stared at me. He didn't seem angry with me for lecturing him, merely curious. "What's your purpose now?"

  His question took me by surprise. I guess I'd been waiting for him to ask how he was meant to think about his future with Sabrina's accusation hanging over his head. I liked being the focus of Ryder's attention. Liked it a little too much.

  "I want to turn the house into a B&B. Ben's been doing a lot of work and he thinks it would make a great place for people to come and relax by the river for a weekend away."

  "You wouldn't mind strangers being in your home?"

  "I'd get used to it."

  "But what about your personal safety? Is Ben going to be around?"

  "For the first year, yes. After that, he's going to be wherever Kate is."

  "They're that serious?"

  I nodded.

  "Wow. Good for her. But you didn't answer my question about personal safety and strangers."

  "I'll worry about that when the time comes for Ben to leave. For now, I like the idea of working in my own home and sharing it with other people. It's beautiful around here and I'm incredibly lucky to live in such an amazing house and town."

  "We both are. I'm glad you've found something that makes you happy. A B&B is a great idea."

  "I've got so many plans for the house and grounds. I can't wait to implement them. The place will look stunning when it's finished."

  He smiled somewhat sadly but with genuine warmth too. "I'm happy for you, Jane. I really am. I can see the change this new purpose has brought in you." He looked at me with an intensity that made my face heat.

  I turned away so he couldn't see and took my time walking back to my chair. "The only problem will be getting Gran to agree to it."

  "I can see how she might not like the idea."

  "She hates it. But she doesn't realize the house is in poor condition and we need money to fix it, and an ongoing income to maintain it. My job at Hearth & Home doesn't bring in enough extra."

  "Things are that bad?"

  I shrugged one shoulder.

  "Jane, I'm sorry. Dad and I should have been here to help out."

  "Don't be ridiculous. We're not your responsibility."

  "We've been neighbors and friends forever. We want to help you."

  "Stop feeling guilty about things that are out of your control, Ryder. Okay?"

  He held up his hands. "I can't help it. Everything's such a mess because of me."

  "Not because of you, because of this woman Sabrina."

  "I don't see a happy end in sight. This is never going to go away."

  "Yes, it will. Stop feeling sorry for yourself and think positively."

  "But how can it?"

  I couldn't answer that because I didn't know her. If she had any sort of kindness in her heart, she'd wake up and realize how much she was hurting Ryder and that he didn't deserve it. But that depended on a lot of things, not the least on her. I wished there was something I could do, but I couldn't think of anything.

  The crunch of tires on gravel made us both go to the window. Headlights pierced the dusk and blinded me. The driver turned them off and I saw that it was a van, not a car. Someone got out on the passenger side and another emerged from the back.

  "Who is it?" I asked.

  "Reporters. Looks like my peace and quiet is over."

  CHAPTER 11

  The smartly dressed reporter with the thick makeup introduced herself as Lina Van Der Weert from the local regional station. Her cameraman switched on the strong light above his camera and focused it in Ryder's face. "What have you got to say about the accusations made against you, Ryder?" she asked.

  Ryder opened his mouth to speak, but Mr. Cavanagh jumped in first. "He's innocent. That girl made it all up. That's all there is to say. Now leave us alone."

  "Dad," Ryder said gently. "Let me speak to them."

  "No!" Mr. C spat. His face was thunderous, the veins across his nose bright red under the porch light. I'd never seen him so angry. "They'll twist your words and make you look guilty."

  Ryder rubbed his hand through his hair, down the back of his neck. It didn't seem to alleviate any of his tension. His shoulders remained stiff, square.

  "Mr. C, come with me," I said, taking his arm. He shook, but whether from anger or worry, it was hard to tell. "Let Ryder talk to them for a minute."

  I steered Mr. C inside and told him to sit in the living room where he wouldn't be able to hear what was being said on the porch. "I'll fetch you a beer."

  I could hear everything from the kitchen, especially after I opened the window. Lina Van Der Weert peppered Ryder with questions.

  "How well do you know her?"

  "We dated a couple of times."

  "Did you have sexual relations with her."

  "That's between Sabrina and me."

  "Did you rape her?"

  "No."

  "So why is she accusing you?"

  "You'd have to ask her that."

  "The college said you were injured, but you look fine to me. Did you tear a ligament?"

  "No."

  "So they made up the story to get you out of the way?"

  "You'd have to ask them that."

  "Ryder, how does it feel going from golden boy to bad boy?"

  He paused. "That's not something I can answer."

  She as
ked the same questions again, using different words. Ryder answered the same way. He sounded calm, but as the interview wore on, a steely edge underpinned his voice. It was only a matter of time before he snapped. Anybody would have.

  I took Mr. C his beer. He paced the room, dragging his hands through his hair. I'd never seen him so upset before. He was usually so mild-mannered and sweet. The poor man was beside himself with worry.

  "What are they saying, Jane?" He knew I'd been listening.

  "Nothing Ryder didn't expect."

  "Go out and end it. If you don't, I will, and I think you'll do it far more diplomatically than me."

  I nodded and drew in a deep breath. Lina Van Der Weert may be from a small, local TV station, but she hadn't given up. She went at Ryder like a bulldog, but I could face up to her. Lina Van Der Weert had nothing on Gran for sheer stubborn tenacity.

  I opened the door and went to stand alongside Ryder so that I was in the camera shot. "I think Ryder's answered enough questions for now," I said, cutting the reporter off mid-sentence. "He's told you he's innocent and that's all there is to it. Now if you don't mind, it's been a long day."

  "Are you Ryder's girlfriend?" Lina Van Der Weert asked, eying me up and down. From the way she smirked at my knee-length skirt and shapeless T-shirt, she knew the answer to her own question.

  "No. I'm his long-time friend. I've known Ryder my whole life and I know he's innocent."

  "How can you know? Were you there?"

  Good lord, did she even think that one through before she spouted it off? "Thank you for your time, Ms. Van Der Weert, but that's all for now." I grabbed Ryder's arm, smiled sweetly for the camera, and pulled him back inside.

  I shut the screen door then the main door and marched him into the living room. I went back to the kitchen and watched as the van drove off.

  "They'll be back," Ryder said heavily when I returned to the living room. "They're not going away until they get a statement they can use."

  Mr. C clapped Ryder on the shoulder. "They'll grow tired of the story eventually."

  "He's right," I said. "I know it's hard to believe right now, but it will blow over."

  He nodded and I could see he was trying to be positive, but I don't think he believed me completely. He was probably right not to. The media would move on eventually, but his reputation was going to be tarnished forever. No college would touch him. He could kiss his football career goodbye.

  "I better go," I said. "The others will be wondering where I am."

  "I'll walk you home," Ryder said.

  "I know the way."

  "Please, let me."

  How could I refuse a heartfelt request like that? I gave Mr. C a hug and left with Ryder. We walked to the gate without speaking. I went to climb over it, wondering how I could do it in a ladylike way in my skirt.

  "What are you doing?" he asked.

  "It's rusted shut."

  "It just needs a good shove." To prove his point, he pushed hard. The gate creaked open. "I'll put some oil onto it in the morning. Or I could leave it and stand here and watch you navigate it in that skirt."

  I could just make out his grin in the poor light. It was so good to see him smiling. I wanted to trace his lips with my thumb, feel the curve of his smile, hold it in my hand.

  "Ha ha," was all I said.

  We walked along the path, but he caught my elbow when the house came into view. "Wait. I want to talk to you."

  "You haven't done enough talking yet?"

  "Not quite. I want to thank you for everything you did today. From getting me away from that reporter to believing in me and listening."

  I lifted one shoulder. "It's what any friend would do."

  He touched my fingers. I didn't pull away. "So we are still friends?"

  "Of course. I'm happy to be your friend when you're not being an asshole."

  He smiled. "If nothing else keeps me straight, that will right there."

  I bit the inside of my cheek to stop myself from smiling. It didn't stop me from shaking though. "I'm not sure how much I helped with the reporter."

  Ryder touched my hand. A feathery touch, light and sweet. "You helped, Jane. You helped a lot. I wish there was some way I could thank you properly."

  His words whispered across my skin, making me tremble.

  He must have felt it. "Are you cold?" He stroked my arms, skimming up under the sleeves of my T-shirt. They were warm, gentle, insistent.

  "No." I tried hard to focus on his words and not his hooded eyes or his perfect, kissable mouth. "You make me warm." Oh crap, where had that come from?

  His hands stilled. He blinked at me and I died inside. Oh God, why did I have to say such dumb things when he was around? Why couldn't I think properly and rein in my emotional responses?

  He withdrew his hands and my eyelids fluttered shut in shame. If I walked away now, could I salvage some of my dignity, or was it too late?

  "Do I?" he murmured. "Do I really?"

  I said nothing. Best to shut up and keep quiet.

  "Jane?" He touched the corner of my mouth. I dared not open my eyes in case he withdrew his hand. I wanted his touch. Wanted it desperately. "Jane, look at me."

  I shook my head.

  His hand cupped my cheek. "I need a sign before I…" He drew in a deep, shaky breath. "I need to know if this is what you want."

  Why couldn't he just do it? Why did he have to appeal to my common sense? Of course I wanted him to kiss me. At least, my body did. My body also wanted him to push my skirt up over my hips and make love to me in the dirt with the house in sight.

  Yet my head didn't want either of those things, my heart either. It was too bruised from the last time.

  I opened my eyes and withdrew my hand. "I'm your friend forever, Ryder. You can tell me anything, come to me with any problem. But I can't do this. Not now."

  He tucked his hands in his pockets. His nostrils flared and he looked up into the darkening sky. He looked lost, alone, and it almost broke my heart. But not quite. I refused to let it be broken again by Ryder when it had only just begun to heal.

  I kissed my fingertips and briefly pressed them to his lips. "Goodnight, Ryder."

  I walked away, my heart plunging into my stomach. It was the hardest thing I'd ever done and I hated every second of it.

  But I had to do it, or I'd never be the owner of my life again.

  CHAPTER 12

  "Just take a look at it, Gran," I said, waving my draft business plan in her face.

  She turned her head away, her nose in the air. "I will not. I've spoken my piece and that's that."

  I sighed and slumped back in the armchair. I'd stayed up late, jotting down ideas for turning the house into a B&B. There was no point doing a good copy for the bank if Gran wouldn't even glance at the draft.

  I hoped she would have thought about it overnight and came to see that we needed to use the house to generate an income, or sell up. Apparently not, and I was out of ways to convince her.

  I pushed up out of the chair. I needed coffee and a conversation with someone sane. "We'll talk again later."

  "You can talk to me anytime, Jane, just not about that." She screwed her face up at the plan in my hand as if I was holding a pile of rotten eggs.

  I stormed out to find Beth and Kate in the kitchen preparing lunch for all of us. They took one look at me and knew how the conversation with Gran had gone.

  "Don't worry, Sweetie," Beth said. "Maybe she just needs more time."

  "We don't have more time. We need a decision on this now so we can change our renovations to accommodate guests. We also need an injection of cash. I have to go to the bank ASAP with this or we're screwed." I threw the plans on the table, almost knocking over the glasses of ice tea. "I haven't given up yet. I'll think of something that will convince her."

  Beth and Kate both looked at me with strange expressions. In fact, Beth was even smiling.

  "What?" I asked. "What is it?"

  "You've changed," she sai
d. "This…" She waved a hand at the business plans. "This isn't like you."

  I frowned. "What do you mean?"

  "I mean you've never thrown yourself into something so productive before. You've always plodded along, accepting whatever happens without a fight. Now you're fighting for something." She hugged me. "I love it."

  I appealed to Kate. "Do you know what she's talking about?"

  "Of course," she said. "And believe it or not, it's all Ryder's doing."

  Ryder. I'd thought about him non-stop until I'd managed to divert myself with the business plan. Even then, my mind had wandered until I'd consciously forced myself to refocus. I'd wanted to visit him so badly, but didn't. He knew he could come and talk to me anytime. I wasn't going to chase him, even if it was just to ask how he felt. I refused to show desperation now, although I felt the need to see him through to my bones.

  "He forced Jane to think of herself for once," Kate told Beth. "He's been such an asshole to her that she's finally moved on."

  "I'm right here," I said, waving at her.

  She rubbed my shoulder. "Sorry, but you know I'm right."

  "Yeah, I do. But don't be too hard on him. He's had a rough time with this rape accusation. That doesn't excuse how he treated me," I added quickly, "and he knows that. He's not using it as an excuse. But he has apologized."

  Kate humphed. "It'll take more than an apology for me to forgive him."

  "If you forgive him, Jane, then so do I," Beth said. "I wonder how he and Mr. C are coping today. There's been a string of media cars going up to the house."

  I'd seen them driving past our front gate too. At first I'd thought about going round to see him, but there was nothing I could do except maybe keep Mr. C out of the way. Knowing what they were going through didn't make it any easier to stay home.

  "So how's he going to get out of this mess?" Beth said. "Is he going back to college in the fall?"

  "He doesn't think so. It all depends on whether Sabrina retracts her statement."

  Beth shook her head and returned to making sandwiches with Kate. "I still can't believe anyone would make up something like that. It's despicable."