The Privileged and the Damned

by Kimberly Lang

  The moment was more than enough for her right now. It was the closest to perfect she’d ever been, and Lily didn’t know quite what to do with herself.

  She shook her head to clear her thoughts of Ethan as she screwed the lid back on the bottle. When she heard the door open she turned, and her heart jumped to a happy, double-time thump when she saw Ethan standing there.

  “Hey! This is a surprise. I didn’t know you were coming by today.”

  Oddly, Ethan didn’t return her greeting, and he didn’t move other than to close the door behind him. That was when Lily noticed the crease between his eyebrows and the tense set of his jaw. Something was wrong. Very wrong. And while the sound of the lock sliding into place and Ethan’s careful closing of the office blinds would normally send a rush through her, that odd look of something on his face caused concern instead.

  “Is everything okay, Ethan?”

  In a tone that made “grim” sound pleasant, Ethan said, “We need to talk.”

  She tried to lighten the mood a bit—she needed to, because Ethan was scaring her a little. “Isn’t that supposed to be my line?” When he looked at her blankly, she added, “You know—I’m the girl? We’re the ones who always need to talk?” The attempt at humor fell flat and died. Trying hard to ignore the bad feeling in her chest, Lily leaned against the desk and cleared her throat. “Okay, so what do we need to talk about?”

  “This.” Ethan pulled a rolled-up stack of papers out of his back pocket and tossed it to her.

  She caught the papers and straightened them to see what they were. One glance caused her blood to freeze in her veins. “Wh-where did you get this?”

  “The Jackson County Courthouse.”

  Now she knew what the something on his face was about. Oh, dear God. Why now? Her past rushed up to meet her, and she felt sick. Dizzy. She swallowed hard. “Those records are sealed.”

  He snorted. “Oh, they are—but that doesn’t mean they don’t still exist. You just have to know the right people. And we know everyone, as you’ve probably figured out by now.” The ice in his voice belied the casual way Ethan crossed his arms across his chest and leaned against the wall. “Anything you’d like to say?”

  Please don’t hate me. She tried to stay rational and calm. “It was a long time ago.”

  Ethan’s eyebrows went up in indignant surprise. “That’s all you have to say for yourself? No denials or ‘I-can-explain-this…’?”

  “I can’t deny it. It’s all right there in black and white. Except for the possession charge. That was completely bogus.” He didn’t look convinced. She swallowed hard. “As for explanations… Well, there’s not a lot to explain.”

  “Oh, I disagree.”

  Of course you do. “I was what you might call a troubled teen.”

  “Just ‘troubled’?” Ethan’s voice was controlled, but just barely. It didn’t bode well. “Jeez, Lily, was there any law you didn’t break?”

  Don’t even attempt to answer that. Stay calm. Reasonable. Focus on the present. “It was a long time ago, and I’ve straightened my life out now.”

  “And you just forgot to mention any of this to me?”

  “It’s not exactly something I’m going to bring up in casual conversation. I’m not proud of the things I did back then, and I don’t like to talk about it.”

  “That’s no excuse to hide the truth.”

  “That’s why they seal juvie records, you know. So you can start over and not have to deal with it every single day of your adult life.”

  Anger etched lines in Ethan’s face. “And when did you plan to tell me about that part of your life?”

  “Never” seemed like a bad—however truthful—answer, but Ethan wasn’t waiting on her to respond. He pushed off the wall and paced. “This is exactly the kind of thing I should know about before I’m seen in public with someone. When the papers get hold of the fact I’ve been dating an ex-con…”

  “Is that the problem?” The small ray of hope that it was a press issue was soon crushed by a different realization. “You’re ashamed to be seen in public with someone like me?” She felt sick.

  Ethan’s eyes were hot, but his words stayed cold. “You lied to me, Lily.”

  And he hated liars. The sick feeling grew worse. “No, I didn’t. I just didn’t tell you.”

  His jaw tightened. “I’m not going to split hairs with you. A lie of omission is still a lie, Lily.”

  “And you wonder why I didn’t tell you? Look at how you’re reacting…”

  “I’m fully justified here. You’re acting like you had a couple of unpaid parking tickets surface. This changes everything.”

  Her ensuing confusion at his words only made the sick feeling worse. “I don’t understand. Are you upset that I have a past? Or that I didn’t tell you about it?”

  “Both,” he snapped. “You’re not the person I thought you were.”

  Tried, convicted—and, from the sound of his voice, soon to be executed. And he was completely wrong. “That—” she pointed to her rap sheet “—made me who I am today, but it doesn’t mean I’m that person anymore.”

  “Nice verbal gymnastics. You should look into a political career.”

  He might as well have slapped her. “You don’t believe people can change?”

  “You just woke up one morning and decided to turn over a new leaf?” The sarcasm stung.

  “Oh, I wish. It took a lot of hard work.”

  Ethan looked at her like she was something nasty on the stable floor. “I find it amusing that deciding not to break the law was hard work.”

  “It’s harder than it sounds. Judge Harris gave me a chance.” Which is more than you’re doing.

  “I don’t see why.”

  God, she couldn’t take much more of this derision. “Not everyone gets to grow up like you did, Ethan.”

  “Being poor does not give you an excuse to break the law.”

  She could feel the mud of her past trying to pull her under and suffocate her. No, I’ve come too far. “Your family business is politics—mine was hustling and cons and some other petty crimes. That’s how we put food on the table.”

  “That doesn’t make it less illegal.”

  Argh. “Growing up, I didn’t even know what Pop was doing was illegal. It wasn’t until Pop went away for the first time and the state put me in foster care that I learned what he was doing was wrong.”

  “And yet you launched your own career doing the same thing?”

  “I worked for Pop. I didn’t have much of a choice. And, honestly, I was so angry at the world by then—”

  “Save it, Lily. Right and wrong are pretty easy to tell apart. You chose—”

  Now she was angry. “I wish it was that easy. It’s not. Some things just aren’t that cut-and-dried.”

  “Yes, they are.”

  The pacing and his tone brought back bad memories of police stations and courtrooms, and hard questions from cops and attorneys that she’d rather forget. Her frustration bubbled over. “Look. I’m sorry if you’re upset I didn’t disclose my entire past to you. When his last job went bad, Pop went to jail. Judge Harris said I deserved a chance to try making a life without Pop’s influence, and I got put into a diversion program for four years instead. Successful completion meant my records would be sealed, and I could start over without any of that on my back. I did my part, and Judge Harris did his. As far as the law is concerned, none of it ever happened. So, no, I didn’t tell you about it because it’s none of your damn business.”

  “I disagree.”

  And she’d never get him to see it any other way. It was the last nail in the coffin, and tears burned her eyes. “I don’t care.”

  “You can’t pretend it never happened, Lily. You can’t just escape your past like that.”

  “Maybe you can’t, but I was doing just fine.”

  A muscle in Ethan’s jaw began to twitch. “What the hell do you mean by that?”

  “Some folks learn from their p
ast. Grow beyond their mistakes. Overcome their issues. My father made me a criminal, but I’m clean now. What’s your excuse?”

  She didn’t think it was possible for his jaw to get any tighter, but it did. She’d hit the exact nerve she’d aimed for. “Don’t try to make this about me. You’re the criminal and the liar. You’re the one who’s been dishonest in this relationship.”

  Lily was so angry her hands were shaking, but so nauseous she could barely speak. She still managed to meet his stare directly. “I’ve never lied to you. I’ve never been dishonest. At least not about what mattered,” she added quietly.

  Ethan missed her point, but she couldn’t tell if it was intentional or not. “I don’t believe you. And you’re completely twisted if you think you can lie about your past and it doesn’t matter either way.”

  “And you’re a judgmental bastard to let it matter that much.”

  The silence that followed her outburst told her everything she needed to know. There was nothing she could say to change his mind or make him see her as anything other than the person she used to be.

  She’d lost him. Hell, she’d lost him the moment he found out about her record. This whole conversation had been a waste of her breath.

  So much for starting over. The thought that she’d never be able to escape… Bile rose in her throat.

  She needed air.

  Opening the door and walking out of that office was the hardest thing she’d ever done. Everything in the stable was exactly the same as it had been just a little while ago: horse-crazy little girls underfoot, the sounds of Duke destroying something else in his stall… The sights and sounds and smells hadn’t changed. There was no indication her world had just collapsed around her, or that her heart and soul had just been ripped from her body.

  The tears she’d been fighting back threatened to overflow. She had to concentrate on placing one foot in front of the other…

  “Lily!” one of the hands called. “Can you—?”

  One foot in front of the other. Don’t stop walking. “No, I can’t.” She had to get out of here before she broke down entirely. “Not right now.”

  She kept her chin up as she walked out the door into the sunshine, but the tears started flowing freely once she mounted the stairs to her apartment.

  The pain inside her was enough to bring her to her knees, and she took deep breaths to steady herself.

  I deserve this. It’s karma kicking me in the teeth.

  She’d hurt people—deceived them and used them. She deserved to pay for that, and karma was collecting on the debt. Deep down, she’d known the day would come when it would. But she’d never thought karma would be this harsh: giving her someone to love, then taking him away as part of her punishment.

  But she couldn’t deny it was fair. It hurt—so badly it was hard to breathe—but the pain was fairly earned.

  Lily caught her breath and wiped her eyes. After the joy and hope and promise that had filled her recently, being kicked back down to zero to start over… It was depressing.

  No. She wasn’t completely at zero. She was just back where she’d been before Ethan crossed her path. She still had her job—or at least she hoped this wouldn’t get her fired—she still had a place to live, and she was still a hell of a long way from Mississippi.

  These were still good things. She just needed to focus on that. Whether she could with this hole in her chest was a different question. Getting over Ethan would be tough under any circumstances, but doing it here? At Hill Chase?

  She never should have gotten involved with him in the first place.

  “You were right, Bray.”

  The poker game had been abandoned hours ago, and Ethan and his brothers had gotten down to the real business of drinking. As always, they steered clear of politics and family, and stayed on safer, more entertaining, topics—like football, movies and cars. Usually women would have made that list too, but with the Lily debacle still fresh they’d ignored the proverbial elephant in the room.

  As the night had progressed, it had got impossible not to bring it up, and the words escaped before Ethan really meant them to.

  “Of course I was,” Brady answered instantly. Then he leaned back in his chair and grinned. “About what?”

  “Lily.”

  Brady’s grin faded. “Yeah, sorry about that. But at least you found out before it was too late.”

  That was debatable. Lily’s lies cut deep, and the betrayal hurt. He was used to being stabbed in the back, but he’d never had the knife in his chest before.

  “The upside, though,” Brady continued, “is that it was just a flash in the pan. The few blogs that got wind of you and Lily assumed she was just another of your flings and moved on without doing much digging. The damage has been minimal.”

  Minimal. Then why was he feeling the need to drink himself into oblivion again tonight? “Granddad let her keep her job. Said she’s paid her debt to society and deserves her second chance.”

  “I still don’t think that’s a good idea,” Brady grumbled. “He’s too soft. How does he know she’s really reformed? What if she steals something or…?”

  Ethan shrugged. “Hell, I can’t figure out why she’d even want to stay.”

  “Doesn’t sound to me like she has anywhere else to go.” Finn sighed and shook his head. “And you two call me the idiot? I can’t believe we share the same gene pool.”

  Ethan turned in Finn’s direction. “Got something to say, little brother?”

  “Yeah. That you’re both idiots.” He pointed at Ethan. “Especially you. Brady gets a bit of a pass at the moment, since he’s in campaign mode, but you? You’re just an idiot.”

  “It’s going to be hard to get by on your smile in Hollywood when you’re missing a few teeth.”

  Finn smirked. “Aren’t we touchy tonight? The truth really does hurt, doesn’t it?”

  Brady interrupted quickly. “Do you have something worthwhile to add to the conversation, Finn, or are you just talking to hear your head rattle?”

  “You, Mr. Big Picture, can’t look past Lily’s record, and Mr. Honesty here is lying to himself. If you two don’t kill me, the irony just might.”

  Brady looked at Ethan. “He’s been in Hollywood so long he’s forgotten how to see past the surface of anything.”

  “Au contraire, mon frère. Everyone comes to Hollywood to reinvent themselves. We expect it. Hell, we respect it.” Finn leaned back and crossed his arms over his chest. “And, no matter how superficial you want to claim we are, Hollywood is the one place that will give you a second chance. And a third and a fourth, too, as long as you keep trying. It’s people like you two who live in the past and pass judgment on everyone and everything.”

  Ethan rubbed a hand over his face. “Either I’m drunker than I thought, or else that might have actually made some sense.”

  Finn seemed to be enjoying this conversation. “I like Lily. And, honestly, what you’ve told me only makes me like her more. The fact she wants to stay at Hill Chase shows she’s got guts, too. The only real black mark against her is that she got involved with you.”

  Ethan flipped his bottle cap at his brother in response.

  Brady came to his defense. “That doesn’t change the fact she lied to Ethan.”

  An eyebrow went up. “You asked her—point-blank and to her face—if she had a criminal past she was trying to forget?”

  “Of course not. It never occurred to me I would need to.”

  “Then she didn’t lie to you.”

  Ethan sighed. “It’s not that clear-cut—”

  “Coming from someone who sees the world in black and white absolutes, that’s really funny.”

  Brady coughed. “For an idiot, he does have a point.”

  “It’s bound to happen occasionally, I guess.” Finn stood and stretched. “And now, since I have a very early flight tomorrow, I’ll rest my case and go to bed.” He sighed. “It’s a shame it’s so late. I really like being right.”

&n
bsp; Finn disappeared down the hall, and Brady went to get another round.

  “He did make a good point,” Ethan said quietly, mostly to himself, as he took the bottle Brady offered.

  “I know. I’m surprised you see it, though.”

  That was what had been nagging at him underneath it all the last couple of days. He just hadn’t been willing to acknowledge it. “A minute ago you were agreeing with me.”

  A wry smile tugged at Brady’s mouth. “Just trying to look at the bigger picture.”

  “And what do you see? Beyond a couple of idiots?” he qualified.

  Brady was quiet for a minute. “Do you love her?”

  “What?”

  “You heard me.”

  “I miss her,” he hedged.

  “Knowing your temper, you have some serious apologizing to do, then.”

  He had said some pretty horrible things in anger, but that wouldn’t be all he would have to apologize for. “You think I should?”

  Brady seemed to understand. “If the alternative is you continuing to drink like this and being miserable, yeah. I think you should.”

  “And just pretend none of it ever happened?”

  “Your part in this or Lily’s?”

  He thought for a minute. “Both.”

  “Lily came here looking for a second chance. Maybe she’ll be willing to give you one. You’ve got to be damn sure, though, that there’s nothing in her past you can’t get over. And she’s going to have to be willing to fully disclose, so that you—and we—can prepare for whatever kicks up because of it.”

  Ethan leaned his head back and closed his eyes. A couple of weeks ago Brady would have been stating the impossible. But that was before he met Lily.

  And Lily had changed everything.

  It was amazing how little anything changed in the wider world even as her own world fell apart. Sure, she heard some of the whispering behind her back, but people had always talked about her behind her back. She was used to that. At least this time she wasn’t being scorned.

  She’d feared she’d be outed, that her past would be laid out here for everyone to see, but amazingly the Marshalls had kept all of that information to themselves. Although everyone seemed to know that she and Ethan had been a thing, and now they weren’t.