Last Train Home

by Megan Nugen Isbell

  “We actually had dinner at his house,” I said with a smile, thinking back to how innocently the evening had started.

  “Really?” she asked and I could tell she was genuinely surprised.

  “Yeah. I was surprised too. His mom made lasagna, which we ate by candlelight.”

  “That’s…really nice,” she said slowly, but then a grin spread across her face and then we were both smiling.

  “Yeah, it was.”

  “You really like Alex, don’t you?” she said, still holding onto the white blouse she’d picked out of the laundry basket a few minutes before, but had yet to fold.

  “Yeah, I do.”

  “You two are getting pretty serious, aren’t you?”

  “Yeah, we are,” I replied and then we were both quiet. I could tell she was thinking about something by the way her eyes drifted off to the corner of the room.

  “I can tell Alex makes you happy, Ry,” she said and I interrupted her.

  “He does,” I said quietly.

  “You’ve only known each a couple of months. I hope things aren’t moving too fast.” I could tell she was treading lightly, not wanting to rock the boat, but there was definite apprehension in her voice.

  “I know it hasn’t been that long,” I said, careful not to snap, but then considered maybe I should. That would be a sure way not to blow my cover, considering I’d been snapping at my mom on a daily basis since we moved to Carver. “We just…we just really clicked,” I told her, keeping with the nice voice. “You know,” I continued with a slight laugh. “I am almost eighteen. It’s okay for me to like boys.”

  “I know that,” she said, laughing and gently slapping my arm.

  “Then don’t worry.”

  “I’m your mother, that’s my job.”

  “Well, you don’t need to worry that much about Alex and me because everything is great,” I said positively.

  “I just…it’s just…” she stuttered and again her eyes looked to the corner of the room while she thought. I rarely saw her flustered. She was my mom after all, my completely put together, all knowing mom. But, she seemed unsure of what to say now. “Riley…you changed…a lot…when we moved here. I knew you were mad. Mostly at me,” she added. “You were sad and angry and I knew you missed your friends and everything back in Boston. I just want to make sure this connection you have with Alex is genuine and not a result of the loneliness you felt after moving here.”

  A couple of weeks ago, I would’ve been furious at her for making such a ridiculous suggestion, but I wasn’t mad. I knew she was just concerned and if she knew what I’d done last night, she’d freak.

  “It’s not like that, Mom. He’s…he’s really great.”

  She was quiet, but then gave me an unconvincing smile.

  “Just be careful,” she said, touching my knee for a moment before finally folding the white blouse.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  It was Monday morning. My stomach was full of knots to the point I thought I might be sick. I hadn’t heard a word from Alex since he dropped me off on Saturday night. I expected him to call or at least text, but I’d heard nothing and I tried telling myself not to read too deeply into it. Perhaps he was sick. Maybe his parents had taken his phone away or he had to visit family in Wichita unexpectedly. Whatever the reason, I was aching to hear something from him. I’d finally relented and texted him Sunday afternoon. The text had simply said How’s it going? I’d stared at my phone waiting for a reply, but by Monday morning, I was still waiting.

  The parking lot was full when I got to school and I recognized my friend’s cars already there, including Alex’s black Altima. I was tense as I walked towards the old, brick building and my heart started pounding when I opened the beat-up maroon doors and began walking down the crowded halls.

  The beating of my heart had slowed a little by the time I reached my locker, but I was still uneasy. I grabbed my book for first period and I looked around for Alex. He always met me at my locker, but I didn’t see him anywhere. A nagging pit began to form in my stomach amid the nausea I’d felt all weekend, but I tried to push it aside, telling myself I was worrying over nothing, and began walking towards my Constitution class.

  And then I saw him. As I turned the corner, he was leaning against a locker, surrounded by his friends. He ran a hand through his dusty hair and I couldn’t look away as each strand fell perfectly back into place like it always did, even when he wasn’t trying. He was laughing and I loved watching him when he didn’t know I was looking. The uneasiness I’d felt started to evaporate and my pace quickened, wanting to be by his side.

  I was almost there when I saw his head whip around and our eyes met. The smile I’d been admiring just a second before seemed to melt from his face and my gait slowed. I expected him to meet me, but he stayed huddled in his group. My stomach was sick again, but I kept going and infiltrated his group a moment later.

  “Hey,” I said to him.

  “Hey,” he said with a monotone voice, and his eyes started glancing around the halls to everywhere but my face.

  It was quiet. Even the buzzing of his friend’s voices had stopped and they were all looking at me suspiciously, like they had the first time I’d spoken to them. Kurt’s lips were curled up into a smile that made me uncomfortable and Charlie whispered something to him as they both looked at me. I tried to ignore them though and turned my attention back to Alex.

  “I’m glad to see you’re okay. I was worried,” I said, brushing my hair behind my ear, saying the first thing I could think of.

  “Why wouldn’t I be okay?” His voice was snide and irritated and the nausea seemed to envelope me.

  “I…I just thought something had happened. I haven’t heard from you since Homecoming,” I said softly.

  “Yeah, well, I was kinda busy,” he said nonchalantly and again we were silent. He just stood there until I finally spoke again.

  “What’s going on, Alex? You haven’t called or texted me in two days. And after…after Saturday night,” I said, whispering those last two words so only he could hear. “I mean after Saturday night, I would’ve expected you to call.”

  His lips curled up into a half-smile, but it wasn’t the endearing half-smile I’d loved since I’d first met him, it was a smirk. I stared at him wondering what the hell was wrong with him. I’d never seen him like this.

  “Can we go someplace a little more private, please?” I asked quietly, gesturing towards his friends.

  “Sure. No problem,” he said with an eye roll and we stepped away into a secluded alcove.

  “What’s going on?” I asked once we were alone. “You seem really distant and you’re being a jerk.”

  He looked away as if he was contemplating something and then his dark eyes drew back to mine.

  “What is it?” I said, almost afraid to hear what he was thinking. I reached my hand out to touch his arm, but he stepped back.

  “I’ve been doing some thinking,” he began.

  “Yeah? What about?”

  “This isn’t working out.”

  “What isn’t working out?” I asked, even though I knew exactly what he meant. I just didn’t want to believe him.

  “Us,” he replied flatly.

  “What are you saying?” I asked, trying to keep my voice steady as I felt my eyes begin to brim with tears and a lump form in my throat.

  “I’m saying I’m breaking up with you.” His voice wasn’t kind or regretful. It was cold and emotionless.

  The words echoed in my ears and I stared up at him through the tears that had formed in my eyes. His face was blurry, but the look on it was unmistakable. He was serious and he didn’t seem the least bit upset about what was happening.

  “I don’t understand. Why?”

  “I already said because it’s not working out.”

  “You’re not making any sense. Things are great between us.”

  “No, they’re not.”

  “How you can do this, especially after
everything we’ve shared?”

  “It wasn’t that big a deal. We had sex. It was nothing special.”

  His words stung my heart and I thought I felt my knees go weak. I blinked and quiet tears streamed down my face.

  “How can you say that? It was special. You were my first. You said you loved me,” I said, reaching up and wiping the tears from my face.

  “People say a lot of things to get what they want.”

  I swear I felt the world stop spinning. This could not be happening. He could not be saying these things. I loved him. I’d given everything to him because he’d said he loved me too.

  “Alex…you can’t mean that.”

  “I don’t know what you think we had, but it wasn’t nearly as serious as you thought it was.”

  “I thought it was serious because you said it was serious!” I shouted at him. “Did you mean anything you said? Anything at all?”

  “I said what I needed to to get what I wanted,” he replied and then a slow smirk spread across his face. “You were tough to crack, Riley, but I knew eventually you’d come around, and, of course, you did. From the first moment I saw you, I knew you’d come around. I just didn’t think it’d take so long. Ya know, I’ve never had to work so hard as I had to work with you,” he said laughing to himself. “I didn’t think I’d have to do the whole commitment thing, the whole I love you thing, but once I realized that was the only way, I had to do what I had to do, right? I mean, I couldn’t let myself lose once I’d set my goal, could I? Once I set my mind to something, I don’t stop till I get it. I mean, I couldn’t let Kurt win, could I? He bet me I couldn’t get you to put out by Homecoming. We cut it close, but I won the bet, didn’t I?”

  “A bet?” I whispered, through the vomit rising in my throat.

  “The whole thing’s actually pretty funny, don’t you think? I was really starting to sweat it there for a while, but it all worked out.”

  I stood frozen as I absorbed his words. He’d never cared about me. He’d used me. He’d only wanted one thing and now that he’d gotten it, he was done with me.

  “So you were just using me then?” I said quietly, trying to come to grips with what was happening.

  “Yeah, I guess I was,” he said with a laugh.

  As I stared at him, I felt myself becoming consumed with rage. He’d used me. Everything we’d been through was just a joke to him. Every word out of his mouth had been a lie. He’d taken everything from me and it had meant nothing to him. Before I knew what I was doing, I reached up and slapped him across the face, his head jerking back from the force of my hand. He reached up and touched his red cheek, which still showed my handprint and then the smirk returned to his face.

  “Maybe I deserved that,” he laughed. “Now, are we done here?’

  I felt myself start to tremble from shock and betrayal.

  “You deserve a lot more than that,” I shouted.

  “You’re pathetic,” he said, rolling his eyes as he started laughing, brushing past me.

  I couldn’t say anything more, even though I wanted to. I wanted to run after him and grab him and shake him and demand to know what the hell was wrong with him. I wanted to kill him, but I couldn’t move. I was frozen.

  I watched as he walked away and I waited for him to turn around and come back and tell me he was joking. There was no way he could’ve just said all of those horrible things to me. But, he didn’t come back and I watched as he turned the corner. He didn’t love me. He’d never loved me and I’d been too stupid to realize that.

  My eyes were burning again and the tears began streaming down my face. I never thought it was possible to feel the world crashing down, but I was feeling it now and I was cemented to the ground, unable to get away from the debris. I needed to get out of here, but I didn’t know where to go. I just knew I couldn’t stay here. I finally pulled my feet from the floor and began walking as quickly as I could in the opposite direction, not knowing where I was headed. Through my blurred vision, I could see Adrienne walking towards me. Of course, Dana and Kristen were with her. I turned my head so she couldn’t see me, but my veins seemed to run cold when I heard the venom of her familiar voice, which had been haunting me since my first day in this hellhole.

  “Hey, skank,” she said as she passed me, but I ignored her and kept walking. “What’s the matter, Riley?” she said as she laughed, but I continued to ignore her and she continued to hound me. “Ya know…he was never going to choose you!” she called out and I stopped dead in my tracks and finally met the hateful blue eyes I’d seen on my first day. She looked victorious, with a gleeful grin plastered on her face.

  “Excuse me?” I asked in an unintentional whisper.

  “He. Was. Never. Going. To. Choose. You,” she said slowly, annunciating every word, with a strong, hateful emphasis on the word never. “You were just some insignificant conquest. You were a distraction. He was bored and needed something to fill his time until he could have me again. I told you that. I told you he’d always choose me.” Her smile was cold and confident and I knew she was loving every minute of this. Kristen and Dana were snickering in the background and people were starting to stare at us. I felt my chest begin to burn with pain and embarrassment and she stepped closer to me until she whispered so quietly that only we could hear. “That’s what you get for being a frigid bitch. You couldn’t keep him happy, so he went somewhere else. All those times you told him no, who do you think he turned to?” My eyes were burning even stronger now and I felt my chest tighten as I deciphered what she was saying. The lump in my throat was so large that I could say nothing to her. As she continued to gloat, I spun around and quickly rushed away, her laughter haunting me as I moved. I kept wiping the tears that were falling onto my face, but it was no use. Every time I wiped them, more would fall in their place and I gave up trying.

  What was I doing here? How had I gotten to this place? How could I have been so dumb? How had I just believed everything Alex had said to me? My idiocy sickened me. All those times we were alone, all he wanted was one thing. I should’ve seen that. He was always trying to get me go just a little farther until I’d finally gone all the way.

  The maroon lockers had all become a blur in my peripheral vision as I raced passed them. I could feel the eyes of my classmates all over me as I rushed through the halls like a hysterical maniac, and I wondered how many of them knew what had happened. I had no doubt Adrienne had broadcast her victory to anyone who’d listen. I kept my focus straight ahead and I picked up my pace, but then I felt someone grab my arm and I stopped.

  “Riley, what’s wrong?”

  I looked up into the familiar gray eyes of Jesse. He was staring down at me and concern was spread over his face.

  “What happened?” he asked me again, but the enormous lump in my throat prevented me from saying anything. I shrugged my shoulders and shook my head as more tears poured from my eyes. He grabbed me gently and pulled me to him. As his arms wrapped around me, I began sobbing.

  He held me until I stopped shaking. I tried to catch my breath, but it just resulted in the hiccups.

  “What’s wrong? Is everything okay?” he whispered as he continued to hold me.

  “Alex,” was all I could say when the lump in my throat finally loosened a little.

  He took my hand and began leading me away. He stopped in front of the janitor’s closet and opened it and then pulled me inside, shutting the door behind us. He reached up and pulled the chain from the ceiling, which illuminated the light bulb overhead. It was a small closet with wooden shelves filled with cleaning supplies and toilet paper, but I’d never been so happy to be hidden away.

  “What happened with Alex?” he asked again and reached up with the sleeve of his shirt and wiped my face.

  I took a deep breath and another hiccup escaped.

  “I’m so stupid, Jesse. You were right. You all were right. I should’ve listened to you. I’m so stupid.”

  “What are you talking about? What was I ri
ght about?”

  “Alex and what an asshole he is,” I said, but realized the word asshole did not accurately describe Alex. There was no word to describe him. “You tried warning me, but I didn’t listen. I should’ve listened to you.”

  “Did you guys have a fight?” he asked. “I’m sure you can work it out.”

  “No. We can’t work it out. He broke up with me.”

  I saw Jesse look away for a moment and then he looked at me again.

  “What happened? You guys seemed fine at Homecoming.”

  “It’s too embarrassing,” I said, looking away.

  “C’mon, Riley. It’s me. You can tell me anything. You know that.”

  I looked up at him and I knew he was right. I could tell Jesse anything and he wouldn’t judge me. He was my best friend.

  “I...I uh…,” I said, but then looked away, unable to admit what I’d done.

  “Just tell me,” he said quietly, brushing away a piece of hair that was stuck to my wet cheek.

  “I slept with him after Homecoming,” I finally admitted quietly and I felt Jesse’s body stiffen.

  “You slept with him?” he repeated softly almost as if he was asking himself a question.

  “It was a mistake. He said he loved me. I thought he loved me,” I sniffled, feeling like a complete fool. I’d always prided myself on being strong and independent and here I stood in the janitor’s closet having been sucked into the classic high school heartbreak. I’d been deceived and I’d believed his lies.

  “He just broke up with you after you guys, ya know?” Jesse asked gently.

  “No. I didn’t hear from him all weekend and then this morning…just now… I’m so stupid. All he wanted was sex. He didn’t care about me. He never cared about me.”

  Jesse was staring at me and then he reached down and took my hand and his eyes softened. For some reason I felt better for a moment.

  “You’re not stupid. Don’t say that,” Jesse said insistently. “He’s a dick. You didn’t do anything wrong.”