by Collins, Tim
I had the misfortune to witness Jason eating a packed lunch today. Rejecting such popular staples as crisps and sandwiches, Jason was content with a single can of Spam, which he gulped straight from the can. It was quite simply the most disgusting attempt at feeding I’ve ever seen. And this is coming from someone who’s seen his sister trying to drink a glass of type A- when she had hiccups.
WEDNESDAY 21ST SEPTEMBER
12PM
I don’t have a normal PE lesson this afternoon because I’ve signed up for the cross-country running club. Every Wednesday between now and Christmas, Mr Moss will drive a group of us out to Pottsworth Moor and we’ll run a circular course around it.
I was intrigued to see that Jason has also signed up for the club. He might have done well at football and badminton, but I can’t see him excelling at an endurance sport. Not that he’d have any chance of beating me even if he was the world’s greatest marathon runner. I could run ten times faster than any human if I wanted to. If I went to maximum speed, I’d open up a wormhole in the space-time continuum and everyone would be eaten by dinosaurs or something.
6PM
I have to admit that Jason is pretty good at running too. As we set off, I ran just fast enough to break away on my own but not so fast that I looked weird. Then when the path turned a corner and I was out of sight, I was finally able to let loose. I ran right to the top of Pottsworth Moor and slid down on my back, relieved to drop the pretence of boring humanity.
After I’d got that out of my system, I dashed back to the course and adopted a more realistic pace again. I was surprised to see Jason emerging around the side of the hill behind me. I hadn’t expected any of the other pupils to catch up for at least another ten minutes. Even more surprisingly, he seemed to be gaining on me. By the time we had turned the last bend on the way back to the van, we must both have been bombing along at ten miles an hour. Mr Moss looked surprised to see us returning so soon, and quickly shoved his magazine into his bag.
In the end, I had to let Jason inch ahead of me and complete the course first because I was worried about running too fast in front of Mr Moss. It’s fine, it’s only cross-country running. It’s not a race. Plus, next week I won’t waste any time running up the hill, I’ll just zoom round the course, finish first and casually lean against the van waiting for Jason. I can’t wait.
THURSDAY 22ND SEPTEMBER
12PM
Grandpa hogged the bathroom again until half eight this morning and made me late, so Mum had to give me a lift. She looked offended when I asked her to drop me off round the corner so no one could see us.
I explained that last time she dropped me off in front of everyone, all the boys in school said they fancied her. She said she was glad her supernatural beauty was still working. Then she asked why it didn’t make me proud that all the little boys in my school liked her. Because it’s embarrassing, that’s why! It’s fine to have a mobile phone, a pair of trainers or even a girlfriend that other boys covet, but not a mum! Once Jay from the tough gang did a crude mime about what he wanted to do to her, and when I told Mr Wilson, he just said he wasn’t surprised and asked if Mum was on Facebook.
5PM
I sat next to Jacqui in Maths today to see if she’s still using my picture as her screensaver, and I was horrified to see that she’s replaced it with one of Jason. At least, I think it was Jason. It might have been Mr Potato Head, I suppose.
Even worse, she spent all lesson asking me if I could introduce her to him. She’d heard all about his sporting prowess, but made no mention of my own achievements.
What exactly does she see in him? Could he write moving poetry for her? Could he take her on romantic moonlit walks? I hope she likes watching football and eating canned meat, because that’s about as far as her cultural life will extend if she ends up with that pleb.
2AM
Tonight I’ve been playing the driving game I got from Games Exchange but I’m already bored of it. I tire of games much more easily now. Perhaps it’s because they don’t offer me sufficient emotional depth now that I’m mature and have a girlfriend. Perhaps I no longer need escapism now I’m living an exciting supernatural lifestyle. Or perhaps my fingers can move so fast now I’ve got vampire speed that I can complete them too easily.
Whatever the reason, I’ve unlocked all the cars, won all the medals and even whupped some kid in Tokyo through the online play mode, so it looks like I’ve got no excuse to avoid my homework. At least it involves reading about a sexy vampire. That’s got to be more interesting than trigonometry.
FRIDAY 23RD SEPTEMBER
7AM
I was just finishing Dracula when Dad saw me and started going on about how Bram Stoker based the character on him. I think Dad is flattering himself with this belief, but I let him enjoy his delusion.
However, when I told him I was doing a talk about it in English, he got really angry and said I’d give away our identities. Who does he think my classmates are? Buffy, Blade and the Frog brothers?
6PM
I think my Dracula talk went well. I said it was a gripping read even though it was written over 100 years ago, and Mr Byrne was impressed that I’d chosen such an old book.
I stole quite a lot of my talk from the York Notes study guide, which I know was lazy when I could have drawn on my own experience, but at least I bothered to read the book. When Craig spoke about Lord of the Flies, he just read the review quotes off the back. He probably would have got away with it if he hadn’t read out the names of the newspapers they came from as well.
For the finale of my talk, I tried to engage the class by showing a clip of the 1931 film of Dracula on Mr Byrne’s computer. I shouldn’t have bothered. Instead of cowering in fear as Bela Lugosi descended a crumbling staircase and introduced himself, they all burst out laughing!
I’ll be the first to admit that the film doesn’t stand up to today’s 3D blockbusters, but they ought to have shown a bit more respect for the serious subject matter. They wouldn’t find it so hilarious if Mum and Dad pounced on them on their way home tonight.
After I’d finished it was Jason’s turn, and he did his talk about Animal Farm. At first I thought he was joking when he said it was an enjoyable story about horses and pigs, but it turned out that he’d read the entire book without understanding it was really about politics. Like, duh! Hello? Earth to Jason? This is the moment everyone in the class should have been laughing, but instead they listened in silence. They probably couldn’t understand what he was grunting about.
SATURDAY 24TH SEPTEMBER
10AM
It’s Chloe’s sixteenth birthday on Tuesday so I asked Dad for some money to buy her a present, and he gave me ten pounds. I tried to explain that this was hardly enough to declare eternal love, but he said it’s the thought that counts. Yes, but only if the thought is, ‘I’m going to spend lots of money on you.’ I’ll have to think of a way to turn this pittance into a larger amount using my vampire skills.
12PM
Making money with my vampire powers was harder than I expected. Obviously, I could have used my vampire strength to mug people or used my vampire speed to pickpocket them, but I’ve got too much of a conscience to consider anything of the sort.
At first I changed the note into ten-pence pieces and tried to win money on the coin waterfalls in the amusement arcade. I used my strength to hurl the coins into the slot, expecting to create an avalanche of silver and a bumper payout. When this didn’t happen, I began to suspect that the coins overhanging the bottom were glued in place. A firm shove of the machine confirmed my suspicion, but set an alarm off and got me thrown out of the arcade.
Next, I tried the pub quiz machine in the Black Lion. I’ve sometimes heard people complaining that they’d have won money if the questions didn’t come up so fast. I thought this would be a doddle with my supernatural speed, but I forgot that I don’t have a supernatural memory of FA cup finals to go with it. I could have sworn it was Arsenal in 2001, not Liverpool
.
On my way home, I walked past the council estate and saw Jay and Baz from the tough gang. They were playing a game where you have to throw pound coins against a wall, and the person who gets one to land nearest the wall wins all the money. I had a go, figuring that if I lobbed my coin really hard at the wall it would lodge in, and I’d be unbeatable. Unfortunately, I threw the coin so hard it ricocheted and smashed the window of a car. Jay said that under a special rule of the game he’d won my pound and anything of value in the car’s glove compartment.
So my efforts to make money have left me with a total budget of £3.60. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to declare my immortal love with that.
12:30PM
It looks like my declaration of eternal love is back on again. Grandpa has asked me to help him carry some wood back from the shops so he can make a coffin. I told him it would cost a hundred pounds, and he willingly handed it over from a huge wad of notes in his cape pocket. He clearly has no idea how much modern money is worth. I should have asked for a thousand.
7PM
It was weird being out with Grandpa. I couldn’t believe how much attention he got from older women. Some of them smiled flirtatiously, some of them blew kisses and one of them even pressed a piece of paper into his hand with her phone number on. I understand that all vampires need hypnotic beauty to attract victims, but I’m surprised the principle still holds for vampires who transform so late in life. He certainly doesn’t look hypnotically beautiful to me.
Looking at all those wrinklies fawning over Grandpa made me glad I transformed when I did. Perhaps if I’d stayed human longer I’d be able to appreciate older women more, but the idea of drinking from their prominent blue veins makes my fangs shrink right up.
Anyway, we carried the wood home (I was taking nearly all the weight, but I could hardly complain for the money I was getting), constructed the coffin and covered the bottom with soil so it was comfortable to lie down in.
Of course, vampires don’t really need to sleep in coffins because they don’t sleep at all, but Grandpa insists on resting in a coffin every so often for the sake of tradition. And I’m going to hazard a guess that these periods of rest will occur whenever there’s something to be done around the house.
SUNDAY 25TH SEPTEMBER
I went round to Chloe’s house today, and to be perfectly honest, my hopes were high that another session of drinking her lovely type O- blood was on the cards. Her parents were away visiting relatives, so it seemed like the perfect opportunity.
Chloe opened the door and bid me welcome into the shadowy realm of darkness, adding that I should take my shoes off first because her mum was neurotic about the new beige carpet.
All day she kept lapsing into nonsense about how she wanted to float away on a dark lake of eternity or some such thing. I wish someone would ban those silly books she reads. They make humans think that being a vampire is all brooding and pouting. They leave out all the tedious bits, like when you get on the circular night bus just to pass the time because you don’t sleep.
I didn’t know how to deal with Chloe’s flowery requests for transformation, so I asked her what she thought we should do. She said that I should turn her right away so there wouldn’t be too much of an age gap between us, and then she pulled her collar back to bare her neck!
Instantly my thirst for blood gave way to my fear of commitment and my fangs retracted. I found myself reeling off the kind of nonsense Dad usually comes out with. I asked her if she realized that she could never see her family again and if she truly understood what eternity would be like. It lasts a really long time, you know. Even longer than that double Maths lesson when Mr Wilson went off-topic and talked about his motorbike for two hours.
Chloe looked deflated when I’d finished my rant and covered her neck up, so I said I really wanted to transform her, but I’d need permission from Mum and Dad. I said I’d do my level best to get it and she perked up.
MONDAY 26TH SEPTEMBER
1PM
Chloe was waiting for me outside the school gates this morning to let me know she hasn’t changed her mind. I pretended I’d given Dad an impassioned speech about transforming her and I was awaiting his reply.
In truth, I’m dreading talking to Dad about it. He warned me this would happen as soon as I started going out with a human and I’ll never hear the last of it if I tell him he was right.
Plus, I’m not really convinced about Chloe’s motives for wanting to become a vampire. At lunchtime she started going on about how jealous her cousin will be when she transforms. I took this as evidence that she still doesn’t understand what she’s getting into. For a start, she won’t be allowed to tell any humans if she joins our coven, so her cousin will never know. More to the point, once she realizes she has the rest of weary eternity stretching before her, she’ll care little for such petty human rivalries. She might find she’s the envious one by the time her cousin’s funeral comes around.
10PM
I went to the goth shop tonight to choose Chloe’s present. None of the gifts were really screaming eternal love at me so I hedged my bets and bought her some scented candles, a mug in the shape of a skull, a dragon pendant, a coffin purse, a pumpkin flask and some spider earrings. Then on the way home, I stopped off at the garage and bought a box of Sugar Puffs and a carton of Ribena. I’m not really sure why I bought those now. I think I just panicked.
Anyway, I piled it all together and wrapped it, and it looked like the kind of thing humans like.
TUESDAY 27TH SEPTEMBER
Mum and Dad brought some lovely type O- back home this morning, so I made a point of pouring it into my flask and telling everyone they shouldn’t drink from it, so we wouldn’t catch each other’s germs. Dad said that if I’d seen the state of the tramp they’d drained it from, their germs would be the least of my worries. They all seemed to think this was hilarious, but I thought it was in poor taste, and I almost lost my appetite.
When I got to school, I gave Chloe her presents and a birthday snog. She seemed pleased enough with the stuff I bought her, though she couldn’t fit it all in her bag, so I had to keep the Sugar Puffs.
Then she said that there was one more birthday present I could give her, and I wondered if I should have bought the skeleton money box too. It turned out she was banging on about transformation again, yawn yawn.
She said it would be really romantic if we sneaked out to the countryside so I could transform her today. That way her transformation day would be the same as her human birthday, and it would be easier to remember.
I told her that transformation requires careful planning and preparation, so we couldn’t rush it. It doesn’t, of course. Dad attacked Mum in a Paris graveyard 200 years ago, and had every intention of draining her and abandoning her. But he decided she was too good to waste on a light snack, so he took her back to his lair and within a few days she’d agreed to become his vampire bride. It’s amazing their marriage has lasted when you think about the reckless way it began.
In the evening Chloe went out for a meal with her parents so I went to Stockfield Moor to practise my performance for the school talent night. I tried to time my backflips with the music on my iPod, but my headphones kept falling off, so I gave up and jumped around randomly instead. It wasn’t very good preparation, but it certainly helped to take my mind off my personal issues for a while.
WEDNESDAY 28TH SEPTEMBER
8PM
I was looking forward to beating Jason at cross-country running today, and I was getting ready to dial my powers up and thrash him. Sadly, I didn’t get the chance, because he was off sick. I completed the course ages before anyone else, but it wasn’t a satisfying victory without him there.
I expect he’s got the illness that’s going round, because that’s the kind of pathetic thing humans do. So I didn’t get a chance to humiliate him at running, but the fact remains that he got ill and I didn’t, so I won the healthiness competition.
When I got home, I want
ed to talk to Mum and Dad about Chloe, but they were listening to Grandpa drone on about all the powerful vampires he’s known in the past, so I didn’t get a chance. Grandpa was describing special vampire powers like telepathy, telekinesis and precognition to my sister, and you can bet she was getting ideas above her station.
11PM
Chloe is still coming on way too strong with the whole transformation thing. She just sent me a picture of her face with fangs photoshopped on. I texted her back to say that it was a cool photo, but Dad would go spare if he saw it so she should delete it from her computer and phone. She agreed, but signed off with V^^^^V, which is the emoticon vampire fans use instead of things like ;) and :(
THURSDAY 29TH SEPTEMBER
6PM
This is getting out of hand now. On the way home from school Chloe asked if I’d be able to bring her back to life as a vampire if she died in an accident. In truth, I could if I reached her soon enough. There are plenty of records of humans who were transformed because they’d just been killed and their vampire lovers didn’t want to lose them. I was going to explain this to Chloe but I thought she might throw herself under the number 73 bus, so I said it was unlikely.
