by Collins, Tim
It’s all gone too far now. I’m going to tell Mum and Dad about it, and I’m going to do it right now.
12AM
Well, I’ve told them now. As expected, Dad had a whale of a time reminding me that he’d warned me. I tried not to get angry, but I found his smug lecturing hard to take when you consider how he transformed Mum. I shouted, ‘At least I didn’t jump on her in a graveyard like a common ghoul!’ and then I ran upstairs.
I still had my head under my pillow when Mum came upstairs with a mug of hot type B+. She told me that I’d upset Dad with my comment and that he’d made mistakes in the past but he was a different vampire now, and his decision to let Grandpa stay proved that.
I was expecting her to forbid me from transforming Chloe at all, but instead she asked me what I thought I should do. At first I said that I should transform her right away because that’s what she’s asked for, but after talking it over, I admitted that more time was needed. It’s not that I’m unsure about spending eternity with her, I just want her to understand fully what she’s getting into. After all, it was only a few months ago that she had her heart set on taking a year out before university to help unfortunate people. Now she wants to drink their blood.
Mum suggested that I let Chloe mull it over until the end of the year, and then change her if she still wants to. After all, eternity is surely serious enough to spend three months waiting for. I agreed and told her to pass on my apologies to Dad for my outburst.
FRIDAY 30TH SEPTEMBER
11PM
This morning I told Chloe about my discussion with Mum and Dad. In my version of events, I protested strongly against their strict rules, but they threatened me with expulsion from the coven if I didn’t observe them.
Chloe said she understood, but I could tell she was disappointed. It’s strange how the lure of immortality grips mortals and makes all their other ambitions seem trivial and pointless. She doesn’t even want to become Head Prefect anymore.
I went out to Pottsworth Moor tonight to practise my backflips for the talent night, but I couldn’t focus because I was worrying about Chloe so much. At one point my concentration lapsed so much that I let a huge brown dog brush past me, which I hadn’t seen approaching at all. I need to be more careful about avoiding animals, as they hate all vampires, especially me. Dogs, cats, squirrels, hamsters, gerbils, cows, wolves, sheep – all would ram a stake into my heart if they could lift one.
2AM
Mum and Dad have clearly been discussing my personal affairs with Grandpa, because he sat next to me in the kitchen tonight while I was enjoying a bowl of type B+ and told me about an old vampire saying that goes, ‘Beg for the take on Sunday, beg for the stake on Monday.’ This means that those humans who plead most desperately to be transformed are always the ones who hate it most. He said that any human who’s giddy with excitement about the prospect of turning vampire can’t possibly understand what it means to be one.
I told him that we have a saying in our coven, which is, ‘Don’t stick your nose in where it isn’t wanted,’ and then I rushed upstairs to moan at Mum for sharing my personal information with others. As I was doing so, my sister poked her head around the door and asked if we were arguing about Chloe becoming a vampire. So she’s been told too, has she? She can barely understand the emotional content of a Justin Bieber song, let alone complex issues like this. In future my personal problems shall go no further than this diary.
SATURDAY 1ST OCTOBER
Much as I predicted, Grandpa has filled my sister’s small mind with fanciful notions and now she’s convinced she has extra vampire powers.
She came downstairs this morning and announced that she can now predict the future. A bit of a coincidence given that Grandpa was telling her about ‘vampire precognition’ just a couple of days ago? Perhaps, but let’s give her the benefit of the doubt. So how exactly does this power manifest itself? According to my sister, she was watching television this morning and she found herself knowing exactly what everyone was going to say. Throwing my sister’s claim open to scrutiny, I turned our TV to the news channel and asked her what the presenters were about to say. She made a couple of unimpressive guesses before stating that her powers weren’t reliable yet because they were new.
After further interrogation, it turned out that the TV show that had inspired the outbreak of precognition was an episode of Friends that had been on about fifty times before.
Quick, call the Vampire Council! My sister has the ability to remember lines from television shows she’s seen before. What an amazing power, I don’t think.
Hang on, I think I’m getting a vision of the future myself. I predict that my sister will convince herself that she has another special vampire power soon.
SUNDAY 2ND OCTOBER
9AM
I’m going round to Chloe’s house again today, and if you must know, I’m rather excited because her parents are away again and I’m hoping to ditch all the boring transformation talk and get down to some good old-fashioned blood drinking. If I add nothing more to my diary today, it’s because we have shared a beautiful moment and I’m choosing not to divulge the gory details. And I certainly hope they will be gory!
10PM
In retrospect, my suspicions should have been raised by Chloe’s eagerness to let me drink her blood right away. Last time, we had a long chat first and then I spent ages mesmerising her, like you’re supposed to. This time she led me straight to a chair in her living room, which she’d surrounded with newspapers to protect the carpet. This wasn’t quite the immortal dance of seduction I was expecting, but I wasn’t complaining. She practically dragged me down to her neck and commanded me to start feeding.
I obliged as any cold-blooded male would have done, but soon my enjoyment was compromised by a strange sensation in my arm. As a vampire, I can’t really feel pain, but I still get a sense of when something is wrong, like a human would under a local anaesthetic. I looked down at my forearm in horror to see that Chloe had slashed at it with a kitchen knife. Before I knew what was happening, she’d sliced along one of my veins and pulled my injured arm up to the two holes I’d made on her neck.
I could hardly believe that my beloved girlfriend, to whom I’d shown nothing but adoration, was trying to force a transformation against my will. Just as I was wondering how she possibly thought she could counter my strength, she squirted me in the face with a bottle of garlic and herb salad dressing. It hit me like mace and I dropped to the floor, overwhelmed by the horrible fug of parsley and dill.
What was she playing at? How could she possibly think this was a good start to eternity together? Immediately, I understood just how ugly the human lust for immortality can be.
As the dizzying effect of the garlic faded, I managed to wrench my arm away from Chloe’s neck. I told her I felt violated by her selfish actions. She said it was too late, that I had already transformed her and there was nothing I could do about it.
I took no small pleasure in letting her know she’d been nowhere near close enough to death for the transfusion to work. I’d have had to feed on her neck at least five times longer for there to be any danger of her turning into a vampire. With that revelation, I went home and left her to contemplate her actions.
I think it’s fair to say that our relationship has hit a hurdle.
1AM
I’ve been considering Chloe’s behaviour today and I’m afraid I can’t bring myself to forgive her yet. I wouldn’t say it was time for me to end things just at the moment, but her actions have made me seriously consider ever transforming her. If she’s this impetuous at fifteen, imagine what she’s going to be like at 200.
2AM
Why do all these complicated things happen to me? I just want a normal life in a normal coven with a normal girlfriend. Everything always has to be a million times harder for me than everyone else.
Sometimes I wish my parents had never transformed me and that I’d just been left to live a normal human life without any o
f the icy heartache or doomed longing of the immortal. Although if that had happened, I’d never have lived to see High Definition TV, so I suppose it’s swings and roundabouts really.
MONDAY 3RD OCTOBER
My shirt was covered in bloodstains thanks to Chloe’s outlandish behaviour yesterday, so I wanted to get to the washing machine this morning. However, it was already full because Mum was washing Grandpa’s capes. I asked her why he couldn’t do his own chores, and she said he was resting in his coffin and she didn’t want to disturb him. Much as I predicted, Grandpa is exploiting vampire tradition to get out of housework.
Chloe was off sick today, which is hardly surprising. Although the makeshift transfusion she attempted yesterday won’t provide her with any chance of turning into a vampire, it will certainly give her a banging headache. I hope the time she spends in bed lets her reflect on her rashness. She did a terrible thing yesterday, and if my parents ever found out about it, they’d ban me from seeing her again. It was very serious and if I had any integrity as a vampire I’d end things with her right now.
I might give her one more chance, though. She does have the prettiest neck in the school, after all.
TUESDAY 4TH OCTOBER
9AM
I shall be late for school this morning as I’m still trying to process what has just happened. This morning a letter from Chloe arrived in the post. I was expecting heartfelt regret, but what do I get?
Dear Nigel,
As you will have noticed, I am off school today because of the blood loss I suffered on Sunday. Although I will apologize for trying to force you to transform me, I cannot apologize for wanting to become a vampire. It was really unfair of you to refuse to turn me because it made me feel left out. Because of this, I think it’s better that we stop seeing each other.
I found it very frustrating to be so close to the vampire world without being allowed to join in, so it’s probably better that I stay away from it altogether. I shall now return to my original plan of becoming an overseas volunteer and concentrate on my GCSEs.
Sorry it had to end like this,
Chloe
Although I’m sad that my first-ever relationship has crashed on the rocks of fate, the more I read this letter, the more I understand that Chloe wasn’t ready for ‘the vampire world’ at all.
Vampirism isn’t a phase you go through, like wearing black nail varnish or listening to Joy Division, it’s a harsh reality that never ever stops. She says she felt ‘left out’ because she wasn’t a vampire. Has she any idea how ‘left out’ you feel when you are one? Skulking around at night because you don’t sleep, avoiding the sun because it hurts your skin, wearily watching the decades pass and the trends repeat and wondering if it might be better if a vampire slayer chopped your head off and put an end to it all.
It just goes to prove that all humans are shallow, vapid and foolish. I thought Chloe was different, but it turns out I was being foolish, too.
6PM
I sat alone in History and English today. I have now stopped feeling angry and started feeling sad about the abrupt end of our relationship. Although I keep reminding myself we had complicated issues, I can’t help but feel rejected.
All day I swung back and forth from feeling disgusted with Chloe for the way she behaved to feeling disappointed with myself for not handling our problems better.
Why am I so pathetic that I should let a mortal affect me like this? To my kind, humans are meant to be little more than overdressed livestock. We’re not supposed to brood over their every little action. Why can’t I be a proper vampire like Cagliostro of Sicily? They say his heartbreaking shenanigans in the seventeenth-century village of Erice caused so many women to commit suicide they had to ship a boatload of women over from mainland Italy just to keep the place going.
I was still lost in my reverie of regret when the drama teacher, Mrs Stokes, approached me to say I was on at seven. At first I couldn’t work out what she meant, but then I remembered about the school talent contest. I tried to cancel, but before I could say anything she dashed off. So now I have to put a mask of joviality over my heartbreak and go and entertain the masses in the assembly hall. Still, I’ll have no shortage of girls wanting to go out with me once they’ve seen my sexy backflip dance.
10PM
I ought to revise my prediction about all the girls fancying me after my performance. In fact, I doubt I’ll ever get a girlfriend again after that humiliating display.
I admit I was feeling slightly under-prepared as I waited in the ‘backstage’ area, which Mrs Stokes had created by draping some large red curtains over the balcony at the back of the hall, but I was still confident that my dance would bring the house down.
I peered through a gap in the curtains as all the teachers, pupils and parents took their seats in the hall. Then Mrs Stokes stepped out to introduce the first of the evening’s acts and it became apparent that I wasn’t the only one who’d forgotten to rehearse.
Craig took to the stage and attempted to play the guitar solo from ‘Free Bird’ by Lynyrd Skynyrd, but he kept getting it wrong and having to start again. By the time he finally got through it, the audience burst into applause, though it was more from relief than approval.
Then Mrs Stokes took to the stage. She always uses school talent shows as an excuse to inflict her singing on everyone, and she always goes on near the start so no one can leave. The song was called ‘Memories’, and it was from a musical called Cats. If the idea of this musical is to replicate the noise of a cat howling in the night, it was certainly an accurate rendition.
Next Gary and Nick from the lunchtime chess club recited Monty Python’s parrot sketch. I can remember creasing up with laughter when I first saw this on TV in the late sixties, but in their flat, mumbled delivery, it seemed more like experimental drama than comedy.
Then Mrs Stokes introduced me, and it was time to treat the audience to some real entertainment. I stepped out from behind the curtain and took my place on the stage. Mrs Stokes clicked ‘play’ on her laptop, and the opening bars of ‘I Like to Move It’ blasted out of the assembly hall speakers. I bent my knees, clenched my fists and focused on the energy building inside me, just as I always do when I’m setting my powers off. And then … nothing.
Over the last few months, unleashing my vampire powers has become as natural as breathing, so I panicked when they didn’t work. Determined to set them off, I clenched my fists, shut my eyes and crouched down further, desperately willing my body to flip in the air. It didn’t help matters when a pupil from Year Seven shouted, ‘Nigel’s constipated!’ and set off a ripple of immature laughter.
By the time the song had finished I’d still managed to do nothing except strain with the effort to set off my stupid powers. I opened my eyes and saw the whole crowd staring in embarrassment. Then Mrs Stokes thanked me for a brave and challenging piece of performance art and gave a half-hearted clap. Nobody joined in.
As I left the hall, I was dismayed to hear that Jason’s football skills display, which was merely an endless series of keepy-uppies, was drawing an enthusiastic response from the crowd. Fine. Let these silly humans have their mindless entertainment. I’m through with trying to sink to their level.
WEDNESDAY 5TH OCTOBER
12PM
It seems I’m an outcast again. Everywhere I went this morning, callous pupils mimed a strained expression and made hilariously original comments like, ‘Push, Nigel, push!’ and ‘Have you tried laxatives?’
The irony is that as I don’t eat or digest food, I can’t suffer from constipation because I never poo at all. If anything it’s me who should be teasing those inferior humans about their repulsive digestive systems.
Worse still, it seems that Jason’s pathetic ‘skills’ display actually won the contest. Well, he’s going to learn the bitter taste of defeat now. We’re going out to Pottsworth Moor with the running club again this afternoon and as soon as we’re a safe distance from the group, I’m going to unleash my full
vampire speed. I don’t care if Dad punishes me for drawing attention to us. I have to do this. Time to make that monobrowed cretin eat my dust.
6PM
I’m back from the run now, and I’m sad to report that Jason didn’t have to eat any dust. In fact, he won the race comfortably. At first we both stayed with the group, but Jason picked up the pace as we were coming to the first bend. I told my body to break into a sprint, but nothing happened. I just plodded along at the same pace as the rest of the group.
It was at this point that the desperation of my situation finally became apparent. Until I started going out with Chloe earlier this year, I had never been able to access my vampire strength and speed. And now that I’ve been dumped, my powers have gone again.
I watched in horror as Jason and then the rest of the running club raced away. They were all sitting in the minibus ready to leave by the time I finally wheezed to the end of the course. I sat on my own at the front of the bus, scarcely able to admit to myself that I had become the world’s most rubbish vampire once again.
THURSDAY 6TH OCTOBER
It’s official. Now that I’m single again, all my powers have gone. Instead of going to school today, I went to the park and found that I couldn’t lift anything heavier than a branch and couldn’t run more than a few feet without having to catch my breath. I even tried to focus on a squirrel to see if my powers of animal control were still functioning, but it just stared back with a sarcastic expression on its face.
