by Collins, Tim
I sat on a bench and wondered how things could possibly get worse. Then I got my answer. I looked up and saw that I was surrounded by hundreds of dirty squirrels.
These vermin have been keeping a wise distance from me since I developed animal mind-control earlier this year, but it didn’t take them long to work out that I’d turned pathetic again.
I tried to leap over them, but they pounced on me and nipped with their horrible teeth. I dragged myself towards the edge of the park, swarming with the foul creatures as if I was wearing the world’s least comfortable fur coat.
Eventually I made it to the exit, and the horrid pests crawled off, lingering at the gates and baring their teeth.
My squirrel bites have healed now, but I must accept that the park is out of bounds once again. I’m going back to bed.
FRIDAY 7TH OCTOBER
2PM
The reality of single life is coming back to me now. The self-doubt. The isolation. The hopelessness. The eternal despair.
The one bright side to all this is that my poetic muse has returned. My emotional pain is the soil in which my word-flowers bloom. Here is my latest work. Take it, posterity. It’s yours now.
BETRAYED
I thought you were different
But you’re all the same
Greedy and selfish
And knowing no shame
If only I’d heeded
What Dad’s leaflet said
I might lack a pulse
But you are truly dead
Looking back over my poem, I can see that it carries a strong anti-human message, which might be offensive to some, but so what? Art expresses difficult truths. Deal with it.
9PM
I tried to take my mind off my problems by going on the Internet tonight, but I only ended up making things worse by looking at Chloe’s Facebook profile. She’s already listed herself as single and loads of her friends have clicked ‘Like’ and written things like ‘U R better off without that loser’ and ‘Men aren’t worth it’ on her wall. For your information, Facebook idiots, I’m a vampire and not a man. Not that I’d expect accuracy from people who think the word ‘later’ is spelled ‘L8R’.
I can’t even defend myself against these comments, because Dad won’t let me go on Facebook in case everyone notices I don’t get older. I even offered to age my profile picture every year with Photoshop, but he still refused.
I couldn’t help noticing that Jason has made friends with Chloe on Facebook, because he writes ‘LOL xx’ after all her status updates, even the harrowing ones about our break-up. I don’t think it’s right that someone as stupid as him should be allowed a computer. He’ll probably try to use it in the bath.
To compound my irritation, Grandpa stuck his head round the door and complained that vampires my age have it too easy. He said that back in his day they didn’t have computers, and if they wanted to stalk someone they had to get off their backsides and actually do it. I’m not stalking Chloe, I was just browsing through her photographs. And saving some to my hard drive.
12AM
I had a headache tonight so I went downstairs to tell Mum and Dad. They came out with the usual questions about whether I’d been drinking holy water or listening to Cliff Richard records by mistake. I think I would have remembered that!
Grandpa took it upon himself to root around my room and work out the cause of my illness. He came downstairs with a box full of ‘borderline religious items’, including my copy of The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe, which he said is actually about Christianity, and my Star Wars poster, which he said features a religion called ‘Jedi’ that could give me mild headaches. So even pretend religions are bad for us now, are they?
So now I’m back in bed, still with a banging headache, but with loads of my favourite possessions in the bin. I think I’ll keep it to myself next time I’m feeling under the weather.
SATURDAY 8TH OCTOBER
10AM
When I opened my curtains this morning I noticed that the boy across the road has taped a poster for the local church youth group in his bedroom window. It features an image of Jesus on the cross and must be the real reason I had a headache last night. I knew Grandpa was talking nonsense about Star Wars. I tried to fish my stuff out of the bin, but Mum had thrown a load of stale blood away, so it was all ruined.
4PM
Grandpa barged into my bedroom this afternoon and asked if I was feeling better. I said I was, just to get rid of him. He said if I was well again then I should go out and get some exercise rather than moping around in my room. I said he didn’t understand, which made him go off on a massive rant.
He said that vampires these days have gone soft and that I should try surviving off the blood of muskrats in a swamp for twenty years like he had to, then I’d have something to complain about. He droned on and on about how vampirism is a privilege and I was wasting it playing computer games when I should be out chasing girls. I told him that it was a privilege I hadn’t asked for, and if there was a way of giving it up, I’d be more than happy to. He said that vampires these days didn’t know they were dead, and I couldn’t be bothered thinking of a clever reply so I shouted at him to get out of my room.
I have now written a ‘Keep Out’ sign for my bedroom door. I know it’s childish, and I haven’t had to do it since my late fifties, but this is what he’s driven me to.
11PM
A minor advantage to losing my girlfriend and my powers is that I can enjoy games again. I’ve just played a zombie cowboy game on the PlayStation for ten hours straight, and I intend to keep going until morning.
Sorry I was unfaithful to you when I had a girlfriend, PlayStation. While changeable women distract us with their empty pledges of love, you wait patiently on standby, knowing we will return to your comforts eventually.
SUNDAY 9TH OCTOBER
10PM
Mum and Dad made me weed the front garden this morning because it was so unkempt and overgrown they said it would draw attention to us. I told them that I was happy for the weeds to stay there and remind us all that nothing beautiful can ever prosper in this drab world, but they weren’t having it. I wished they’d asked me a couple of weeks ago when I still had my powers, as it took me ages to finish it, and Grandpa spent the whole time peering down at me from his window. I bet it was his idea.
1PM
What did I tell you? My sister has now decided she’s got ‘telekinetic’ vampire powers. She’s clearly been listening to Grandpa’s nonsense again, as she wouldn’t have known the term for moving things without touching them if he hadn’t told her.
I asked her for a demonstration and she placed a pen on a sheet of paper on the living room table and made a big show of concentrating on it. She then used her vampire speed to whip the paper away so fast that the pen seemed to fly off the table.
My parents were incredibly impressed with this lacklustre display. I pointed out that my sister was merely moving the paper quickly, but Mum said I should encourage her if she wants to learn magic tricks.
Okay, fine. Let’s all fawn over my sister’s pretend vampire powers while completely failing to notice that I’ve lost mine due to emotional crisis.
Anybody care about that? Didn’t think so.
7PM
This afternoon I went to the goth shop in the precinct to get some new clothes. I bought a chain mail shirt, black trousers with loads of zips on, black eyeliner and a skull earring. Mum was shocked when she saw my new outfit, but perhaps it will finally help her to understand how I feel on the inside.
I then tried to teach myself how to put eyeliner on, but I think I overdid it and made myself look like a transvestite. I tried to pierce my ears with the compass from my Maths set, but they kept healing up. I considered going back to the goth shop to buy a clip-on earring but I decided it was beneath my dignity as a supernatural being.
I don’t care if Mum and Dad don’t ap
prove of my look. I finally look like a doomed prince of darkness who cares nothing for the rules of the mortal realm. Obviously, I’m not going to wear it to school, though. That would be asking for detention.
MONDAY 10TH OCTOBER
2PM
Chloe was back in school today. She sat with the tough gang in History, just so everyone would notice she was sitting apart from me. I thought the tough gang might refuse to let her sit with them because she grassed them for giving everyone nosebleeds earlier this year, but they’ve already forgotten the incident because they’re stupid.
I sat on a table with Katie and Jacqui, but whenever I tried to speak to them, they laughed among themselves like the fickle little humans they are.
Could it be that these are the same girls who were writing my name on their textbooks and using my face as a screensaver just a few weeks ago? It seems I’m just another faded teen craze like Billy Fury, the Bay City Rollers and the Backstreet Boys. Not that I care. I’m done with human girls, they’re a total nightmare.
6PM
Unless I accidentally called Domino’s and ordered some extra toppings for my face, it looks as though my spots are back. Bright sunshine used to give me terrible acne, but when I got my vampire powers it only gave me a mild rash. Now a cluster of whiteheads has appeared under my bottom lip and whenever I try to squeeze them, my vampire healing powers make them grow right back. Thanks for that, healing powers. I thought you were supposed to help me, but I might have known you’d find a way of making things worse for me too.
11PM
I asked Dad to help with my History homework tonight but he wasn’t any use. I was meant to be writing about the causes of the First World War and I thought he might remember better than me, as I was only three at the time. But he just went on about how the evil vampire Dragoslav of Serbia assassinated Archduke Franz Ferdinand and blamed it on someone called Gavrilo Princip in order to plunge Europe into war and make human blood more easily accessible.
Great, so I should just write that down and hand it in, should I? Because that’s not going to arouse any suspicion, is it? I should have known better than to ask for Dad’s help with History. While it’s true that most humans believe in a whitewashed account of their past that makes no room for the undead, Year Eleven coursework is hardly the place to set the record straight.
TUESDAY 11TH OCTOBER
1PM
Chloe wouldn’t sit next to me today and she even looked the other way when I passed her in the corridor. Everybody seems to know that we’ve split up, so she must have been telling them because I haven’t. Fine, let her spread her side of the story. I need to rise above these silly humans now.
Wayne, who went out with Chloe before I did, offered his commiserations to me during morning break. He said that she was a nightmare and I was better off out of it. I felt like throwing him on to the science block roof for daring to compare my complicated romantic crisis to his shallow little feelings, but then I remembered I don’t have my vampire strength, so I just shrugged.
The weird thing is that although I’m upset with Chloe for attacking me, I’d still consider taking her back if she begged me. At least it would mean getting my powers back. As it stands I’m going to have to ask Dad to write a note excusing me from the cross-country club. Perhaps then he’ll understand what I’m going through, although I won’t hold my breath.
9PM
I was writing the above diary entry in the library this lunchtime when I was distracted by a strong smell of disinfectant. I looked up and saw Gary, who uses TCP rather than deodorant. He said that Keith’s mother wouldn’t let him come to school today in case he had a cold, so they were a man down for their lunchtime chess club. I thought it might take my mind off my emotional problems, so I agreed to join them in the room at the back of the library.
I played against Sanjay while Gary played against Nick. I was beaten quite easily, as I’m not great at chess. I don’t know why I’ve never got round to learning it properly. I’m excellent at Battleships, Boggle and Hungry Hungry Hippos, though.
The winners then played each other and Sanjay was crowned the overall victor. I have to admit that their company proved a welcome distraction from my personal woes, even if they did keep making references to TV shows I don’t watch, like Star Trek and Battlestar Galactica.
I think I’ll go to their club again tomorrow. I might even read up on chess tonight. It’s not like I’ve got anything else to do.
WEDNESDAY 12TH OCTOBER
What was I thinking?
I turned up at the chess club this lunchtime with my head full of grandmaster strategies, only to see that Gary was setting up a huge board covered in tiny squares. I asked him what was going on and he said that they do role-playing games instead of chess on Wednesdays as they all have notes to get out of PE and can play uninterrupted for four hours straight. Then Nick walked in carrying a replica Lord of the Rings sword. As I looked at my spotty face reflected in it, I realized how far I’d fallen in such a short space of time. While it might be acceptable for a vampire to be tragic in the sense of brooding over lost love, it’s not acceptable for a vampire to be tragic in the sense of owning dice with more than six sides.
I told them I had to get on with my coursework and left.
6PM
This afternoon I gave Mr Moss my sick note. He looked disappointed that I was getting out of cross-country, so I pretended I’d been told to avoid running by the doctor.
I then spent the rest of the day sitting in the library on my own, hoping that the strength and speed I enjoyed this year wasn’t just a fleeting phase, but suspecting that it was.
THURSDAY 13TH OCTOBER
6PM
I decided to make friends with the school goths Brian, John and Si again today. I was anticipating a hostile response, as I cast their friendship aside when I first started going out with Chloe earlier this year.
Sure enough, Brian went on about how I only wanted to be their friend again because I’d been dumped, while John just scowled silently. I let them have their little moment. It’s all water under the bridge to me. Anyway, it’s not technically right to say I was dumped because I was considering calling it off with her. It was mutual.
Once they’d got it all out of their system, Si told me about the band they’ve formed, Feast of the Devil. I’m considering putting myself forward as a keyboard player, as I’m fantastic on the piano. I think I’d better listen to something they’ve written before I decide if they deserve me, though.
1AM
There was a death metal band called Mask of Sanity playing in a pub in town tonight, so I thought I’d go along to see what the kids are into these days. It turns out that what the kids are into these days is the man with long hair who works in Games Exchange doing an impression of Cookie Monster from Sesame Street over some really loud guitars.
Speaking as someone who accidentally saw Jimi Hendrix live in a hotel in Scarborough in the sixties, I find it hard to get excited about modern music, but I had an enjoyable enough time. I even got up on stage and attempted to dive into the crowd, although they must have misunderstood my intention because they cleared out of the way. I crashed down to the sticky floor and broke my wrist, and had to hide it up my T-shirt while it was healing.
I tried to attract some goth girls with mesmeric stares, but none of them were up for it. One of them even walked straight past me to a boy wearing a top with ‘vampire’ written on it in a gothic font. And here I was thinking that vampires drank human blood, not cider and black. In the end I decided to let these silly little girls stick with their preening fakes and miss out on the opportunity to experience the real thing. It’s their loss.
On my way home, I reflected on my failure to pull, and I couldn’t stop my thoughts from turning to Chloe. Perhaps I’m letting myself get walked all over here, but I can’t help thinking about how nice it would be if I could win her back and get my powers to return into the bargain. But what if she starts banging on about transf
ormation again?
Humans, eh? Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without drinking their blood.
FRIDAY 14TH OCTOBER
6PM
I had a look for Chloe this lunchtime but she was in smokers’ corner with Jason, Jay, Baz and the rest of the tough gang. I hope she understands the company she’s keeping there. Jay’s dad was arrested last year for punching a barman who tried to take away his glass while there was still some beer in it, and Baz has an ASBO for spraying his graffiti tag on the golf-club wall. He might have got away with it if his graffiti tag wasn’t his real name and address. Careful, Chloe, if you lie down with dogs, you’ll end up catching fleas. I think there’s still time to save her from the criminal life, though.
In the meantime, I went back to the goths. I told them about how I went to see Mask of Sanity, and they seemed impressed. The discussion soon turned to their band, and I offered them the benefit of my talents. They pretended to be reluctant, but you could tell they were excited by the artistic possibilities of our union, and they agreed to let me audition.
