Diary of a Wimpy Vampire: Prince of Dorkness

by Collins, Tim

  I got bored on the train journey and drank all my blood supplies, so I’m going to have to go out and hunt tonight. But that’s okay. I’m over 100 years old so it’s about time I worked out how to do it.

  Here I come, mortals. Fear me.

  2AM

  To be honest, my first attempt at hunting didn’t go very well. I’ve just returned from a nightclub called Voltz but I didn’t manage to feed on anyone. When most vampires go to clubs or bars, they just have to lurk in a corner and stare moodily, and their supernatural beauty does the rest. Since my vampire attractiveness has gone away again, I had to buy a novelty book of chat-up lines from the station bookshop.

  Whoever wrote it clearly didn’t know what they were on about, though, because I couldn’t get a single line to work. I approached the girls in the club in order of attractiveness and read out lines like, ‘The only thing your eyes haven’t told me is your name,’ and, ‘Shall we talk now or continue flirting from a distance?’ None of them asked if they could come back to my room, and most of them didn’t even let me read to the bottom of the first page.

  To be fair, the music was very loud, so they might not have been able to hear my seductive words. I might go to the McDonald’s over the road to try again.

  3AM

  I sat down in the corner of the fast-food restaurant pretending to drink a Coke. Before long, an attractive woman strode towards me. A little older than I’d been hoping for, perhaps, but still a good catch. I didn’t have time to find my book of chat-up lines, so I had to fix her with a mesmerizing stare instead. It was working. She was coming over to me. This was it.

  She asked if I was all right and if I’d lost my mum. My mum? I was hypnotizing her with smouldering, intense passion. What did my mum have to do with anything?

  In a last-ditch effort to seduce her, I leaned forward and attempted a snog. She slapped me and told the manager, and I was thrown out of McDonald’s.

  I must now resort to attacking my prey. This isn’t going to be pretty, but if that’s the way humanity wants it, that’s the way humanity shall have it.

  SATURDAY 12TH NOVEMBER

  8AM

  I assumed my vampire stalking instincts would kick in if I followed people, but it was harder than I expected. I just couldn’t bring myself to pounce on anyone. I must have too much of a conscience, I suppose. I followed a woman for a while, but just as I was about to leap on her, she called her husband to let him know she was safe, and I couldn’t do it.

  I sat down in the doorway of a kebab shop and tried to build my confidence by repeating, ‘I am a frightening supernatural being. I can do this.’ Eventually, I psyched myself up to attack. In retrospect, it was foolish to pick a woman who looked like she was a professional wrestler.

  Even if I’d been strong enough to overpower her, I’m not sure my fangs could have penetrated through her neck muscles.

  She slammed me to the floor, stamped on my stomach and called me a pervert. I waited for my ribs to heal and returned to my bleak hotel room alone.

  10AM

  I’m getting a headache now. I must have drunk too much on the train down here. I can’t do anything until my hangover shifts, but I’ll surely have more success if I go out with a clear head tonight.

  9PM

  I have now been almost an entire day without blood and I’m getting overwhelmed by thirst. If this is how vampires in the old days used to feel, it’s no wonder they behaved so unpleasantly.

  I must now throw ethical concerns aside and take blood where I can find it. I will prey on the weak and vulnerable and even on the injured. This is what I must do to survive. This is who I am.

  SUNDAY 13TH NOVEMBER

  9AM

  Well, I’m back from another unsuccessful night of hunting, and I can now see spots in front of my eyes.

  Even preying on the weakest members of society proved too hard for me. I jumped on what I took to be a child. Unfortunately, it turned out to be a very short woman who was trained in self-defence. She pulled me into a headlock and I didn’t have the strength to wriggle out, so I had to resort to tickling her, which was truly pathetic. I bet Dracula never had to tickle anyone.

  After that, my confidence was gone and I couldn’t bring myself to attack anyone. Eventually, I spotted a man passed out on a bench next to some empty cans of lager. His head was slumped back, leaving his jugular vein exposed, so it looked like an easy feed. Unfortunately, the stench of alcohol was so strong that my fangs wouldn’t extend. I stood there uselessly for a few minutes before returning here.

  The shops were opening again by then, so I stopped off at a supermarket and bought a raw steak. It still had a small amount of blood left in it, but it was totally stagnant. I need fresher blood soon or I’m going to be in serious trouble.

  5PM

  I’m now so weak I can hardly lift my pen. This afternoon I went into a pet shop to buy an animal and drink its blood. Every creature in the shop erupted into a frenzy as soon as I entered, so I had to wait outside and ask someone to go in for me, like Jay and Baz do outside the off-licence. I gave a man fifty pounds, and asked him to buy the biggest animal he could. I was expecting a Doberman or Rottweiler at the very least, but the best he could manage was two gerbils. And he kept the change.

  I’ve been back in my room for the past hour, trying to feed from the gerbils, but so far I’ve used up more strength chasing them than I ever would have got from their stupid blood. They’ve been flinging themselves around the room, running under the bed, and hiding behind the radiator. I even tried to use animal mind control on them, but they just sneered back.

  So this is it. I’m too weak to hunt for more blood, so unless a cleaner with a nosebleed enters my room any time soon, I’ll now enter the final stages of vampire starvation. They say starvation can’t kill us, but our bodies shut down so fully that humans assume we’re dead and bury us alive. Great. That’s one to look forward to, then.

  I’m signing off now as my pen feels as heavy as an axe. I hope I managed to add a little to the world’s knowledge of my species. I wonder if I’m really damned to hell. If so, it seems a bit harsh. It’s not like I asked to become a vampire. I did steal my sister’s Angelina Ballerina pencil sharpener that time, though.

  Fading now. Goodbye world.

  MONDAY 14TH NOVEMBER

  6PM

  Thankfully, I’m not writing this from inside a coffin under six feet of soil. After I completed the above diary entry, my body seized up and I lay motionless until morning. Vampire starvation was worse than I could ever have anticipated, as I had an itch on my leg and I couldn’t get to it. The gerbils must have worked out something was up because they emerged from their hiding place and nibbled on my feet, causing more unreachable itches. This torture went on until the maid came in the next morning. She screamed for the manager, who looked at my paralyzed body and the gerbils and asked what the hell I’d been up to.

  It was quite difficult for me to make out what was happening as I couldn’t move my head, but as far as I could tell, I was placed on a stretcher and taken to hospital in an ambulance. I was then left on a trolley in a corridor. I started to fret that a doctor would inspect me, realize I’m a vampire and sell me to the Daily Mail. I think it was this fear that spurred me to lift my head up.

  The patient on the trolley next to me had a bag of blood attached to his arm. The tangy smell of it revived me and with a massive effort I stuck my arm out and grabbed it. I tipped my head back and let the blood wash down my throat, feeling like a man lost in the desert who’s just happened upon a fully-functioning water park with poolside bar.

  The blood was type A+, which is my least favourite flavour, but right then it seemed like the most delicious thing I’d ever tasted. As it flowed around my body, I slowly came back to life. At first, my legs had pins and needles, and I was scared to walk in case I collapsed. But soon I could feel my feet again and I made my way down the corridor as casually as I could, though my jerky movements made me resemble the
silent movie vampire Nosferatu. I wonder if he was supposed to be suffering from blood deprivation, too. It’s quite a clever performance when you think about it.

  A nurse asked if she could help, but I ducked away, dragging myself out of the front door and down the road. It was only when I caught a reflection of myself in a shop window that I understood why she was so alarmed. I’d guzzled the blood so greedily that it had run down my chin and neck. I must have looked like a critically ill car-crash victim who was popping out for a stroll.

  10PM

  I’m now waiting for the late train back to Stockfield. It’s with a heavy heart that I abandon my first attempt at independence. I considered trying to survive on hospital blood bags until I found a new coven, but I had to admit that I get a pretty good deal at home.

  6AM

  By the time I got home, it was past midnight. I expected my family to be sick with worry, and frantically telegraphing the Vampire Council for help. Instead, they were all in the living room playing Scrabble, and rather than breaking into grateful tears when I returned, they casually greeted me without even pausing their game.

  I asked Dad if he’d been worried about me, and he said he’d presumed I was staying with my girlfriend. This was wrong on so many levels I could hardly count them. For a start, how can he be so oblivious to the emotional problems I’ve been going through recently? And even if he thought I was at Chloe’s house, wouldn’t he bother to check? As for my farewell note, I noticed that my caring family had used the back to jot down Scrabble scores without even bothering to read it.

  On a more positive note, I’ve got my room back, as Auntie Ivana has been kicked out. Apparently she started reminiscing about the days when male vampires were allowed multiple wives and then she draped her arms around Dad in a provocative way, but Mum saw it and hissed at her! Why does the best gossip always happen when I’m away?

  TUESDAY 15TH NOVEMBER

  I took today off school to recover from my ordeal, which Mum and Dad still haven’t asked about. I appreciate they’ve got their own problems, what with Grandpa inviting every vampire under the moon to stay, but you’d think they’d notice when their most important child goes missing.

  The good news is that I’ve been drinking lots of thick type B+ blood and I’m feeling much better. I considered stringing out my illness to get the rest of the week off school, but I can’t bear lying in bed and listening to Grandpa humming funeral dirges to himself, so I’m going back in tomorrow.

  WEDNESDAY 16TH NOVEMBER

  Once again I’m behind with the juicy gossip. I went back to school today and found out that Jason has dumped Chloe! Obviously, I’ve moved on with my life and have no personal interest, but it’s still quite a dramatic turn of events.

  I saw Jason hanging around with the tough gang in smokers’ corner at lunchtime, but I couldn’t see Chloe anywhere. It was probably just as well, as I’d have been unable to resist reminding her how I’d warned her about the flea-ridden cur.

  THURSDAY 17TH NOVEMBER

  I was looking around for Chloe this lunchtime when I saw the goths sitting on the steps behind the gym. But the weird thing was, they weren’t dressed as goths any more. They’d replaced their long coats with regulation school blazers, and they’d all let their dyed-black hair go back to its natural colour (bright ginger in Si’s case).

  I was curious to find out how the headmaster had managed to reel in these notorious rebels, so I went over for a chat. As soon as Brian saw me approaching, he asked if I’d heard the good news. I said I already knew about Chloe getting dumped and it was neither good nor bad news as far as I was concerned. But then he said he’d been referring to the good news about Jesus.

  John smiled and produced a crucifix from his rucksack and I collapsed to the ground in agony. It turns out that the goths have all found God since I last spoke to them. Apparently, they were hanging around the graveyard one Sunday when a man convinced them to come to his evangelical church and they all saw the light. They’ve changed the name of their band from ‘Feast of the Devil’ to ‘Feast of the Ascension’, and they’ve already got a tour of churches lined up. Brian said turning into a Christian rock band was fairly straightforward, as they just had to change the word ‘Satan’ to ‘God’ in their songs and turn their upside-down crosses the right way up.

  Well, good luck to them. It’s up to them what they believe. I just can’t go near them ever again without getting a migraine.

  FRIDAY 18TH NOVEMBER

  I was reading in the library this lunchtime when Chloe sat down next to me. At first I was angry with her for assuming I’d come running back as soon as her stupid werewolf dumped her, but she looked upset so I didn’t say anything. Plus, sitting next to her in the library reminded me of better times earlier this year. It’s amazing to think that it’s only a few short months ago that I was sitting there and trying to pluck up the courage to ask her out.

  I asked Chloe if she was upset about getting dumped. She said it was fine because she’d gone off him anyway. It took more willpower for me to resist saying ‘I told you so’ than it ever did to hold off from drinking her blood.

  SATURDAY 19TH NOVEMBER

  My sister was sent to her room today for announcing that she’s converted to Buddhism! I can’t believe she hasn’t worked out that religions make us feel sick yet. She’s been a vampire for eighty-five years!

  She came downstairs in tears a couple of hours later, claiming that she didn’t know Buddhism was a religion, and she was just copying her friend Kanishka. My parents sent her straight back upstairs, and quite rightly too. I don’t care if it was a mistake. She needs to stop copying her friends. If Kanishka told her to stick her hand in a font of holy water, would she do that too?

  MONDAY 21ST NOVEMBER

  2PM

  Breaking gossip - Jason has a new girlfriend already! He’s started going out with Jacqui less than a week after breaking up with Chloe. Harsh.

  Chloe sat next to me at lunchtime again. I bet she wants me to go out with her once more to get revenge, but I’m not going to let her use me. If I do accept her back, I’ll be sure to check she isn’t just doing it to spite Jason.

  8PM

  Love is so confusing. I don’t want this emotional rollercoaster. I just want a quiet life. Or the closest thing to a quiet life that a blood-drinking fiend can reasonably expect.

  TUESDAY 22ND NOVEMBER

  Chloe sat next to me in Maths today, which caused some excitement among the class gossips. Fine, let them talk, there’s nothing going on. It did feel sort of right, though, so I think I will accept when she asks me out again.

  WEDNESDAY 23RD NOVEMBER

  Tonight I asked Grandpa what he used to do when girls begged him to transform them. I was expecting him to spout some ancient rules, but he just said he made sure they didn’t have his real phone number and let out a dirty cackle. Then he boasted about how he’s had more human girlfriends than I’ve had hot blood. I hope he was talking about old women because the idea of him putting his liver-spotted hands on someone younger is extremely unpleasant.

  THURSDAY 24TH NOVEMBER

  1PM

  Chloe is sitting opposite me as I write these words. She still hasn’t worked up the courage to ask me out. I expect she’s worried she’ll be overpowered by the urge to become a vampire again. Well, she need worry no more, because I’ve made a decision. When she asks me out again, not only will I accept, but I’ll also transform her. All she has to do is make the first move.

  6PM

  My sister came home in tears this afternoon because she went round to her friend Lucy’s house to see some new kittens and they attacked her. Not that a litter of newborn kittens can do much damage to a vampire. From what I could gather, they did little but climb on her and clasp their tiny gums on her.

  It seems she deliberately neglected to mention these animals when she told Mum and Dad she was going to see Lucy, knowing full well they’d forbid the visit. I can’t understand why she won’t get
it into her dense skull that all animals hate us. Every other vampire manages to hate them in return, but she just has to be different.

  FRIDAY 25TH NOVEMBER

  Chloe still hasn’t asked me out, so I’m going to have to tell her about my decision to accept her back. Obviously, I couldn’t raise such a sensitive topic in school, so I’ve arranged to meet her in the graveyard at nine o’clock tomorrow night. In the moonlit cemetery, I’ll reveal that I’m now fully prepared to go out with her again and turn her into a vampire. Just think of all the heartache I could have avoided if I’d done that in the first place!

  SATURDAY 26TH NOVEMBER

  I spent most of today getting my costume ready for tonight. I’ve decided to go for one of Dad’s velvet suits. I’m sure that wearing all this garb in a graveyard will make me look like a cheesy vampire from Scooby-Doo or something, but Chloe loves all that stuff, so it could be just the thing to rekindle our romance. I confidently predict that by the time I write my next diary entry, I’ll have transformed Chloe and sorted out my complicated love life once and for all.