Blame It on the Shame (Blame It on the Shame: Lou-Lou and Ricardo's Story #1)

by Ashley Jade

  “It all makes sense now,” I say.

  “What does?”

  “Why he told me I'm supposed to look out for you and protect you. I'm supposed to make sure no one takes advantage of you.”

  She blanches. “But he told me to purposely seduce Tyrone and Jackson.”

  “He's testing my loyalty,” I tell her. “And he's using them as his lab rats. This whole thing is nothing but a fucking test for me.”

  “I don't know, Ricardo. I still feel like I'm missing something.”

  I fold my arms behind my head. “You and me both. But it's DeLuca, so who the fucks knows what his end game actually is.”

  And that's the thought that causes my stomach to knot up because I don't really have a choice but to play by his rules. Too many innocent people are involved now.

  She studies my face. “What are you thinking?”

  “I'm going to give him what he wants. Or I'm going to let him think that's what I'm doing.”

  “How?”

  “I'm going to act more like the son he wants me to be. I'll take more of an active interest in the business. Make him think he has my loyalty.”

  She frowns. “Oh.”

  “What?”

  She lifts a shoulder in a shrug. “Nothing. It's a good plan...you know, for you.”

  I open my mouth to tell her what else I'm thinking but she cuts me off. “It's just—I know it sounds crazy but I really want my freedom for a little longer. I want him to let me stay here.”

  The look she gives me is so full of heartache and longing it guts me. Yeah, she's not in love with DeLuca...she just thinks she is.

  Dammit, so much for not caring about her.

  “Do everything I tell you to and you'll be fine.”

  “Could you be any more vague?”

  “Just pretend, the same as me.” I look at her. “Especially in front of Luke because he's the one who's going to be reporting to DeLuca about you.”

  “Not being any clearer here, Ricardo.”

  I groan because I hate the words that are about to come out of my mouth. “Okay here's what's going to happen. I'm going to lead Jackson and Tyrone to believe that you and I are dating...but not serious. I'm going to tell them it's a secret and to keep it on the down-low so no one else knows. And this time, they're going to believe it because you'll be acting like we're involved as well. This way, Tyrone in particular, will stop hitting on you, thus keeping him out of harm's way.”

  I draw in a breath. “However, anytime Luke's in the near vicinity and you notice that Jackson and Tyrone are around...that's when you're going to flirt with them.”

  I grind my molars. “I'm not saying to whip their dicks out or anything. You just have to flirt and make a few advances at them in front of Luke.”

  Her eyes sparkle. “This way when he reports back to DeLuca he'll tell him I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing.”

  She smiles. “And if Tyrone and Jackson think we're dating they'll never succumb to any of my advances so they'll be protected no matter what happens. Especially if DeLuca thinks you're coming around.”

  Her smile grows bigger. “And if he thinks having me here is helping in some kind of fucked up way by bringing you two closer—or that I make a good spy for him...he might just let me stay longer after all.”

  “Bingo.”

  I don't even have time to react before she's flinging her arms around me and crushing herself against me.

  She's holding me so tight you'd think I just offered to give her the world. “Thank you,” she whispers.

  “I take it this means we're friends?”

  “My favorite flower is a Dandelion...but only after it's gone to seed,” she says. “There's another truth.”

  I want to inform her that her favorite flower is basically a weed but then she says something that causes my heart to contract.

  “When I was a little kid...I used to gather as many of them as I could at once and make wishes on them.”

  “What things did you wish for?”

  “I only made one wish. The same wish over and over again.”

  “What wish was that?”

  She rests her head against my chest and closes her eyes. “I wished for freedom.”

  Chapter 8 (Lou-Lou)

  I look in the mirror and try to calm myself down.

  I can hear the crowd going wild out there and I'm not sure if I can do this.

  I glance over at Scarlet. She's perfectly content sitting at the makeup counter filing her nails, seemingly without a care in the world. Then again she does take off her clothes for a living.

  She gives me a dirty look and I tell myself not to go off on her. I have much more important things to worry about.

  Like Bruno watching me on the camera's tonight. He made it clear that he expects me to take my ring girl job very seriously while I'm in the cage.

  It's not that the actual job of holding cards up is hard, I can do that in my sleep—it's the anxiety that I know will wash over me like a tidal wave once I get out there.

  I hear the sound of the door opening and Luke sticks his head in. “Be ready in 15,” he yells in my direction.

  I almost forgot...I'm up first on rotation.

  I bounce on the balls of my feet and shake my arms out while Scarlet gives me the stink eye.

  I'm about to inform her that if she does it again it's going to be a permanent look for her but then Ricardo walks in and the butterflies in my tummy decide to kick it up a notch.

  Scarlet leaps out of her chair but his focus is on me. “You okay?”

  I raise my chin. “I'm fine.”

  His gaze drifts over to Scarlet who plasters a smile on her face until he says, “Can you give us a minute alone, Scar?”

  She throws her nail file on the ground and gives me her dirtiest look yet. Of course, it's when Ricardo's back is turned away from her.

  “Don't be nervous,” he says after she leaves.

  “Easy for you to say. You're not the one who's going to be preening around like a peacock while tons of men look at you.”

  “You'll be fine,” he assures me. “Besides, I'm not going to let anything happen to you.”

  I have to ignore the way my heart pitter-patters when he says that.

  I go back to fixing myself in the mirror. “Have you told Tyrone and Jackson about our fake relationship yet?”

  “No. I haven't gotten around to it. Fight night is really busy.”

  “5 minutes,” Luke shouts.

  “I have to go, but you'll do great...if you get nervous just look for me on the sidelines.”

  “Thanks.”

  He gives me that lopsided panty-melting smile of his before he walks out the door.

  That only causes my heart to race even more.

  Especially when I think about what it felt like waking up in his arms a few short hours ago.

  It was the best sleep I've ever had in my life and that terrifies me.

  “You're up!” Luke shouts.

  I take a deep breath and walk out to face the crowd.

  All things considered, it could have gone worse. I hated every minute of it but every time my anxiety got the best of me, my eyes found Ricardo's and with a single look he calmed me down.

  I'm making my way back to the dressing room when out of nowhere Scarlet hip checks me into the wall and walks ahead of me.

  I'm right on her heels when we enter the room.“What the hell is your problem?”

  She picks up the nail file again and I seriously consider shoving it into one of her eyeballs when she says, “You do know that Ricardo could never actually be interested in you, right?”

  I open my mouth to tell her off but she points the file at me. “Honey, not to be a bitch but look at him—” She looks down her nose at me and snarls. “And look at you.”

  She puts her hand over her heart and cackles. “You have the body of a 12-year-old boy. There's no way he's going from me to the likes of you. You couldn't be further from his type if you were
in a different dimension.” She turns to the mirror and fluffs her hair. “I mean, really...you're not even attractive.” She shudders. “It actually hurts to look at you because you're so ugly.”

  I run out the door but not before she calls out, “And I'd be willing to bet an entire month's rent that you'll never be able to live up to what he likes in bed.”

  I run right past Tyrone and Jackson, run past the monstrous cage, and head for the exit door in the back so I can get some air.

  That's when my phone rings and Bruno's name flashes on the screen. “Why are you running through the club right now?” he grumbles.

  My breathing must give me away because he says, “Bambina what's wrong? Talk to me.”

  “Do you think I'm ugly?”

  I know I shouldn't let her comments get to me but I can't help it. They really stung. Each and every one of them.

  And I know I'm ugly...especially on the inside.

  “Jesus Christ, I don't have time for this shit, Lucianna. I thought something was wrong.”

  “Just answer the question, please. I need to know.”

  I draw in a shaky breath and let it out. He clears his throat on the other line. “You're gorgeous, Lucianna. Now knock it off and act like a fucking grown up,” he barks before hanging up on me.

  As usual, talking to Bruno only makes me feel worse about myself.

  And that feeling only grows stronger when I walk back into the club and see Ricardo with his arm around Scarlet before they walk out the door together.

  So much for being friends. So much for trusting him.

  My heart plummets and before I make a spectacle of myself and Bruno see's it on camera, I walk out the door.

  I'm heading into my apartment when Tyrone's voice halts me. “Hey, is everything okay?”

  “Not really. I'm having a bad night.”

  He gestures to his apartment. “You wanna come hang for a little? Keep your mind off things?”

  I'm about to turn him down because I want to be alone, but my mind conjures up images of what Ricardo is most likely doing with Scarlet right now.

  Then before I know it, I'm smiling because spending time with Tyrone sounds like a great idea.

  Chapter 9 (Ricardo)

  I try knocking on Lou-Lou's door again but she doesn't answer.

  I went back inside the club to look for her after I walked Scarlet out to her car but Lou-Lou was long gone.

  I'm about to walk across the hall to my own apartment but then I hear screaming coming from Tyrone and Jackson's place.

  A second later Lou-Lou's running out the door and making a mad dash for her apartment.

  While wearing nothing but her bra and panties.

  The second after that I'm barreling into Tyrone and Jackson's apartment ready to kill someone.

  The only thing that saves Tyrone's life is the fact that when I look at him he looks just as concerned as I do.

  That and the fact that his pants are still on.

  I take a step toward him. “You have two seconds to explain what the fuck just happened or you're going to see a side of me you've never seen before.”

  He rubs the back of his neck “I honestly don't know. I invited her over to hang out because she seemed upset.” He gestures to the couch. “I put a movie on for us and I went to the kitchen to grab us some snacks. When I came back she took off her clothes and got on her knees.”

  I clench my fists but his next statement halts me. “I didn't do anything, Ricardo. I tried telling her that's not why I invited her over, but she zoned out completely and started screaming for me to stop.”

  He points to his chest. “I didn't do anything to her. I swear on Momma's life I didn't touch her.”

  “I believe you,” I tell him.

  And I do, I know he wouldn't do something like that despite my knee-jerk reaction when I walked in.

  But it doesn't make this god-awful feeling that I have go away. In fact, it only makes it worse because I've heard those kind of screams before.

  I know what those screams mean.

  And I know that she lied to me.

  He looks down at the ground. “I don't know where you found her but whatever happened to her...” His voice wavers and he closes his eyes. “I should have listened to you, man. I know now that you were only trying to protect her without divulging her secrets, I get it. No wonder you kept saying she wasn't mine—because that girl clearly belongs to whatever evil is still holding her captive. And if it's as bad as I think it is...I can't blame her.”

  My stomach churns and I give him a small nod before leaving.

  I knock on Lou-Lou's apartment but as usual, she doesn't answer.

  Which only leaves me with one option.

  I kick the fucking door down.

  Chapter 10 (Lou-Lou)

  I'm lying face down on the bathroom floor wishing I wasn't such a fucking coward.

  Wishing I had the strength to just stick this fucking needle in my arm and end my miserable life. Wishing my self-preservation would just give up and call it quits.

  I'll never be normal...no matter how hard I try.

  I'll always be dirty and ruined.

  I'll always feel his hands on me, touching me in places he shouldn't be touching me and forcing me to do things that little girls shouldn't be forced to do.

  I'll always hear my father's voice warning me that if I cry...he'll only make it worse.

  God, I wish I was able to cry instead of tremble and shake all the time. I wish I could cry and wash all these sins away.

  I squeeze my eyes shut as tremors hit my body with a force great enough to make me start dry heaving.

  I feel a pair of arms around me and my first reaction is to start kicking and punching especially when they start shaking me. “No, don't fucking do this to me, Lou-Lou,” Ricardo screams.

  I open my eyes and relief splashes across his face. He picks up the needle and examines it. “Thank god,” he whispers when he realizes the heroin was drawn up but wasn't injected.

  “Tyrone didn't do anything wrong,” I tell him.

  I really don't want him blaming Tyrone for any of this. None of what happened was his fault.

  “It's me. I'm so fucked up.”

  His face falls and he tries holding me but shudders slam through me again and I roll out of his arms.

  I curl up in a fetal position on the floor, my cheek resting against the cold tiles.

  I look over and see Ricardo lying beside me on the floor, reaching for my hand. “Please let me in. You don't have to go through this alone.”

  The agony in his voice when he says that only makes this feeling worse. I don't want him to care about me, because when he finds out the truth—when he see's how dirty I am...he'll be gone.

  And even though we hardly know each other...there's something about him that makes me believe in things again.

  Things like fairytales and happy endings.

  My chest caves in when the truth rears its ugly head.

  Girls like me don't get the fairytales.

  Because the white knights never want the dirty, damaged girls.

  They know there's nothing left of us that's salvageable...nothing left of us that hasn't already been taken and destroyed.

  And saving us? Will only ruin them.

  “Leave.” I get up and shove him away. “Just leave me.”

  I need him to leave me alone, I don't want to infect him with my poison. I don't want him to see me for what I really am.

  My skin crawls and I have to get rid of this feeling.

  There's only one place to do that.

  I expect him to walk out the door when he watches me haul myself into the bathtub, but he doesn't.

  “I'm not leaving you,” he says. “You can scream, you can shove me, you can beat the shit out of me for all I care, but I'm still not leaving. I already told you, if you want to shut the rest of the world out and lock away the key—push everyone away and be a bitch in order to protect yourself...that's fine. I won'
t stop you and I won't judge you...but you will let me in.”

  I rest my head against the porcelain. “No, I won't.”

  “Too late. Because whether you meant to show me or not—I see you, Lou-Lou. And I'm not going anywhere. Let your guard down with me for one night. That's all I'm asking for right now. You can go back to being the tough girl who thinks I'm an asshole tomorrow.”

  I open my mouth to tell him to leave again but he strips down to his boxers and walks over to the tub.

  He goes to turn the water on but I halt him. “I never fill the tub with water.”

  “I'm sorry. I just assumed—”

  I cut him off. “There's no point.”

  “Why?”

  I tell him the biggest truth of all..the truth that I'm forced to live with. “Because the water doesn't wash all the shame away...nothing does.”

  That's the monster in the dark that keeps me imprisoned ...that's what kills my soul over and over, every single day.

  It's not the despicable acts committed every night in my childhood bedroom that ruined me...it's the shame it caused.

  The shame that never goes away.

  Before I can stop him he's climbing into the bathtub and wrapping his arms around me.

  I squirm and try to get out of his hold but he latches on, refusing to let me out of his embrace.

  I start pounding on his chest, wishing he wouldn't waste his time on a girl like me...a girl who's tarnished and unclean.

  I launch my fist into his chest again. “I refuse to break. I won't let you break me, Ricardo.”

  He lifts my chin and looks at me. “I don't want to break you, Lou-Lou.”

  He leans his forehead against mine. “But sometimes you have to break in order to be fixed. And if you trust me enough to fall apart, I swear...I'll put you back together again.”

  I feel something inside me crack and I fall against his chest.

  Then I do something I've never done before.

  I let him in and I show him my scars.

  Chapter 11 (Ricardo)

  “I didn't want it,” she cries. “I never wanted it, Ricardo.”