These were men. Not women, girls, none would be there, they would not be taken to there, it was men, some older. Not boys, these would not be taken. Men. Men masturbated. Yes men masturbated of course men masturbated. They masturbated. What should I say. Each other. I do not know. Of course each other. I do not know.
They lose interest, depart, go away, they go away.
Who would recognise individuals, not recognise individuals.
It was very dark, I walked to there, I knew men were together, between these huts, in darkness, shadows, they came to there.
He had regard for myself. I do not know what women know. It was for myself and to myself. I know it. Some held each other, he held me, I have said. I do not know. If he did look for me. What is there I can deny, what I am to deny, if other matters, I have heard of these other matters.
Each one of us, we hear them, of them. Some in whispers. Of course I too heard these whispers. I have nothing to be forgiven. I said of his regard, I also had regard, yes for him.
I did see his face. I said that I did not, I did not see individuals. I did see it. Perhaps others, more. Yes. Men did not look to one another, their faces. Not to their faces. I did say that. It is what I said and I say it now that they did not look, not one to another. I do not know what women know. The men crowded round. Some younger, older, I have said it all. They came to there from elsewhere, they would gather individually, I think, one to one, I think, yes, individually, perhaps together. Then depart, some return, I think. None spoke except as in sexual activity.
Sexual activity. They would say things, whisper them, fiercely, yes, some if not all. No I do not say unusual, if fiercely. Not what women say, I do not know. I did not go often. Some went often. I know that. I said that I did not.
I did, I said that I did.
One heard voices, saw shapes. It was there in the shadows by the perimeter, shapes, I was walking. I had gone from my section and was walking. At the perimeter I could see out and to the mountains beyond the outer encampment, I wished to see the mountains and think of my place, home. There were the shapes and the shadows. I did not recognise at first. When first I went. I had not known. This is what I speak, drawing me on. Closer and I heard breathing and saw there the huts, between them, dark, shadows.
I did not know. Perhaps I did think might be. We could not go near to women and we could not
although
I speak of the men, being tempted, how I was, yes, one of them, drawing onwards, the breathing, rasping, is rasping, these muffled sounds, quiet and what is to say, tempting to onwards, to me my heart, I was pounding and tension all, me, nerves of course yes in my stomach
men, this is not surprising. I was not then a psychologist I am not now a psychologist, sexual only, arousal. I went to between the huts. Slow or fast, if I know, why I do know, and if I know. Fast, well then
I do not think of this. How can it be. It is not serious. The men saw me or did not see me. They did not look. I saw the shapes, heard the breathing. Some held each their penis, penises, some out, some did. Who would take them, these two, both men. Yes to me, if that was what one would want, I would want, yes, held them to me if for me, but I did not so want. These grouped together. One with his hand at me, yes, onto me, yes, I allowed it. Of course. I said of course.
I saw then someone seated and men were round him. All were male, he too, if all were then he also, I knew this. I said that I did. Women were not there, we could not go to women I could not go to women, women, who would not be there.
I approached, I had approached, entered. The space had opened. They made the passage. For me, allowed me that I enter. I do not know. A way to enter. I did not think it then. He who was seated had looked to me. None else would to have seen me. They did not look to each other but to their bodies, penis. I have said, yes. And the man seated naked, they lined round him, his back was to the wall, wall of the hut. He pulled me to him. I saw to the other man. We did not look to faces. I may have seen him, older man, not from my section. He had not regard for myself, was not from my section, not close to there. I do not think so. For myself yes arousal, sexuality. I can say it, of course, why not, it was nothing, arousal, I had arousal. Yes he pulled me to him. Other men grouped there round him round me, and the other man there I saw that he also was naked, top covering. Hands were at my shoulders. Someone, had put hands to my shoulders, onto. I did not strike at them punch at them, of course not it was not attack, I was not attacked. He was to my rear, I did not see him, his breathing. The other held me. It was not rape. Held me. My penis. I have said, it is not serious. But it is not serious. Men will masturbate.
There at that place in darkness, in shadows, no sounds, not
as noiseless, noiseless, the slightest of wind, breeze only a whisper, the breaths. I did not recognise other men. None did so, so searching for that, recognition.
Only the one man and if two men it would be two men, one followed by one and would have seen, could not avoid thus seeing that one. I did not wish to. I saw the one seated, younger man, I saw him there and knew him, he it was and these others round him. I had not known this of him. Yes his regard for me, I said it. Myself, I would not have such feeling, nothing. He it was humiliated, I was not. He was naked, I was not. These men lined round him, he wanted of me, me to him, pulled me to him. He had others, yes, what else. I had pity for him. I said of his regard.
I could not see. He was naked. Of course men ejaculated. Masturbated ejaculated. Of course. He did not think himself humiliated. It was not myself humiliated. No I do not think so that he thought I thought that he was humiliated, perhaps. Certainly he was. Before these men. I said that.
What I did say, pitied him. I pitied him. I had a regard. I said it.
Hands were at my shoulders. What other man. I did not see other man, other men. Yes the other man who was the older man, yes I saw him. He was from elsewhere. He knelt beside the other. I did not see the features of him, colour of his hair, he had hair, I could not see these things, darkness and shadows and the men there crowded, always shadows and shapes, it was not possible. I did not see the uniform, not a uniform if a uniform. If he had a uniform what uniform I did not see, he was naked, only the top covering. Hands were at my shoulders.
These are details.
I went from there.
I went from there, departed. Men depart. I was not naked he was naked, these two. I was not naked he it was seated, pulled me to him. Of course not rape. I do not know. Perhaps he was older younger. The space had opened, they made the passage, men crowding. He was naked. What man. The other man, having regard for him. I did not know of sexual natures. Yes, I have said. He pulled me to him. Men ejaculate, commit masturbation. I also did, yes. None, no men, none others. These two only. Hands were at my shoulders. One only. I think. I said. I had regard for him. He for myself, so having, yes, regard for myself. Yes, I said it. Of course not he. I was not he. I was not naked. I was not seated, not kneeling, it was the other man older man I have said, yes, kneeling there, hands at my shoulders.
Men masturbate, commit suicide. Also, yes, I have heard, it is a common thought, a problem of life, one would waste no time in resolve. I wasted none, then was not such a time. These are musings, lying alone. To say that I was not seated, of course I was not seated. I might have sipped at the water, later, thoughts of life, thoughts of myself.
They had given me water. Who.
Why I had survived this period. As we all, we talk. We have habits, they come to our assistance. If there may be questions, I do not think so. People were violated. I do not hide it from myself, certainly. I ask what might others have done. I myself was not humiliated, not violated. I am certain, of course.
It is for others to believe and not believe. I do not care, psychology, who has psychology, theoretics.
Men from other sections, from my section also. I did not know them. But him, yes, I have said, if he was older I do not know. I said that he was. Both men, seated. If I was younger I cannot say that,
not for others who did not look to faces, one did not look to faces, neither one to another.
I had not known any thing. I had been walking and then at the perimeter where I could see out to the mountains beyond the outer encampment, wishing to see the mountains, thinking of my place. One walked to there.
I said there were the shapes, there were the shadows. I did not know, what was this, I did not know but then hearing the breathing, rasping of breath. I might not suppose. Women could not be there in that place it was men. I have said it, now saying it and again, again, yes, it was not violation.
I stepped out. Lying in the hut and alone and these thoughts in one’s head, racing racing and if dawn is to break
I have been clear
One wondered about it, there is the taste of nausea, one wishes for water another gives it. Not cleansing, the wish for water, drinking water, it is nausea, what is the taste, dirt and metal, if it is.
People are still. Men not moving, I said men, only men, and these two one older one younger, I said it. Older than I. I was then younger, of course. But younger than them, yes, than these two. They did not pull me to them. Yes he pulled me to him, I said that. I was not violated. I said that I was not. Hands were at my shoulders yes hands were at my shoulders, what is that
What is there I am to say, what can there be. It is not serious. It would have been said. I would have said. I do not know on these other matters.
This cannot be said to me
We heard of matters, I have heard, in whispers, said not to me, I was hearing, only hearing of the other place but not then knowing, knowing nothing. If there were bodies we know nothing I know nothing
What of bodies, if these are dreams, people who may be friends, not so friends, if we are to save them, enemies, acquaintances, who are they, if these are people, yes, also.
I can begin again. Problems of life. Talk to me of death. Yes it was walking it was walking. I. I was walking. Hours of the morning always hours of the morning. And the silence, only breaths. And shall we be alive shall we be alive we are to be alive, it is said survival. I said that men grouped round and silence, their breaths only. Some sounds. Slight. Noises. Rustling. Masturbating of course masturbating men will masturbate of course of course we are to be alive, I say it. Yes I say it, we are to be alive, women could not go there, girls could not be taken, it is nothing, not serious.
Of course at night time too. There could not be light. Yes we are also alive. Life has different forms. It is my thought that our heart slows, our requirement is lesser oxygen for these several tasks. Any task. What is to be done. In the dark I would walk to where. The outer encampment. No, what other matters. We would see the mountains. Not mounds, if mounds were there, if in the other place, I do not know of bodies.
I have heard. I could not proceed beyond that outer area.
There were breaths.
Where.
Between the huts breaths, yes, breaths of men, not of talking, whispered as breaths, breaths yes as whispers, for it is true I know I think might be, that I did hear of the other place, these matters but I did not go to there, lying beyond the perimeter.
I do not know. What mounds are, if these are there, I do not know.
There was the other man. He did not speak. I did not hear him speak. Whispers, breaths. I do not know. I did not know men there, of course from other sections.
It was the outer perimeter
clearest in the vicinity of the mountains I could see out and see such a vision. I could come to a place of danger, of course. Yes one could be killed to come there, I too.
Talk to me of death.
I have said.
I can speak.
No not when dark. Daylight. Dawn would break. Men stayed, returned. None said to me of the other place. None said to me come to there. If men were taken to there I was not. I do not know of that other matter, if of the younger man I do not know, do not know of it.
My father is old, old man. How should that be said. I should say it. Why I should, I should not.
If men were taken to there I was not taken.
I did not know other men. None others, that I knew. No sweetish smells were there. Yes if the other man was older, it is possible, I think so. Yes dark, very dark, always very dark, and shadows, between these buildings. Men arrived, departed.
It was not possible. It was not violation. I did not see others. I do not know what others have reported.
Men lose interest, they ejaculate, depart. I also. Some returned, yes, I have said. Nothing is to deny, I have nothing to deny. It is not serious.
I do not know about that other matter. Nothing of the other man, older man, he had the top covering, I did not see uniforms. We did not look to one another, to faces.
Nothing more than that.
I said.
Not me. I do not know.
It was dark, dark and the shadows. Yes then why not. I said not I said yes then why not, it is nothing, I was there he was there I have said. I reported, they were there, many such, I said. Men see only in sex, bodies. I do not know, he had regard for me. Over and over. Nothing. I know not of that other matter. None said to me. If others were invited I was not, knowing nothing. I know nothing, nothing, I know nothing. I know nothing more. I have said. I did not see him he did not see me.
If he wore the uniform I did not see it. If others were by force I do not know. If he was at that other place I do not know. I do not know. I was not one. I heard in whispers these were whispers, not spoken to me. I heard these others. Whispers. I do not know. I do not know, do not know them. None spoke but in sex, and fiercely, as arousal. Not violation. I do not know. Myself not myself. Not violation. I do not know.
Violence. Yes death, talk to me of death. Mutilation, yes, talk to me now, now to talk now talk to me. I do not know these other matters, that other place.
He was not my friend. I did not know him, if he was an enemy. When I went to there. I saw it to be him, then that I did know him and saw then that he had a regard for myself. I did not know. He it was, he pulled me to him. If he was by invitation to that other place I do not know, did not know, had no communication, not with him. In that section we did not speak, were not colleagues, not acquaintances. I did not know him. I saw him yes saw him, what is that saw him, he was not in my area. Afterwards he did not return. I did not see him and know nothing.
My mind wishes to turn from this. It is my belief that our bodies are whole things and that mind and body are one, so that the mind, wishing to turn from an object, gives its message to the body and so there is nausea and concentration departs.
My concentration.
I shall speak. I have said it. I can say it again, I shall say it again. What am I to say?
20
“these people”
It was the foreign authority. He pointed his finger to me, saying, Ah but you are known, I am not, I am a shadow in the world. They do know you. This is why you are here. Come now, we do not fabricate. Sit down. A chair nearby him, he was pointing. I sat down, and he said to me, These people move as though wearing dark overcoats or cloaks. They abuse themselves and each other, they believe they are performing heroic feats but they are not.
I only listened. All forms of control lay in my grasp. I was in control, so I considered it, as to how I should conduct myself, more, as in control of the movements governing myself, intently, yes, that I might stare to all such individuals, listening to those who would speak to myself.
Their luck was bad that day.
Vigilant, without cowardice.
People often are innocent.
They continue to serve while others continue to rule. (Who speaks of children?)
A form of madness prevailed. When they spoke none listened, instead making much of the manner that it was said, and if one smiled so much the worse.
Myself
These people were thankful to receive their lives. They humbled themselves as to deities. Among these deities were authoritys. To the authoritys these
people offered prayers that they might serve beyond themselves unto death, willingly, all that they asked if to remain as they are and have been, if only to retain that which they had, or have, and if this be nothing, and if it is so, yes, then so it is and is, and to carry out iniquities that they so may survive, clinging onto what they so have, nothing, yes, why of course, what do you ask, let me insert the needle.
It is a great and wonderful thing that nothing is known of this, of any of it.
They do not fight that their families may discover a method of escape. This is not fight.
None propagates this.
If they wished not to confront
A strength can negate blood. This is what they believe. This is the strength.
They do overestimate the position.
They did not see it of myself. I can laugh.
The hatred beyond speech is a commonplace
Who are taught to revere
No distinction, not between adults and children, none
when they looked to me these looks were not such as should occur, and cannot occur, not between equals, as inter human beings
They were patient but watchful and curious in regard to myself, that I survive as I appeared to them. But how did I appear to them. They would invite me to sit, yes rest, rest there. He also, one I had marked, foreign authority, as he said, do I believe so, if I do believe so. All supposed that they knew but what was known by them, if something indeed was known, it was not any thing, not for myself, myself myself, they knew nothing, he knew nothing, thinking I am easily trapped, so, colleague from mars. They did not have even the conception. Was I there to advise them I was not to advise them. If someone else could do it, I do not think so. Was it possible, I do not think so. What my life has been. Do I come from a place, terrortory, is this a place where people are. Am I one person of this people, singular fellow unique man as a being, human being, what I am
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