what they do to myself, thinking of myself. What is courage. I know it of people
Conversations took place rarely in public, people would not put themselves at risk. To listen, a pause, that was enough.
I am to speak, what I say, to whom is to be said, foreign authority of national security council who is, he to myself, he points to myself. Each other is smiling, patient
no thing beyond the act that they performed in order to survive. Surviving the moment, I have said it.
This is how I think of them, how I then thought of them, that they existed until they might walk no longer, then lie on their backs or sides, they would die.
It is my courage
While they were waiting.
But none waited, there was no one, no children, no women. Men women boys girls all were equal, babies also, hear babies, how they breathe, listen to these lungs, hear these lungs, they are of a baby, the baby is seventy years of age, the baby cannot breathe, baby’s lungs. What should I do. I can be honest or not. Who returns to our home
Let me go over it I can go over it. So I said to him, to all of them, such authoritys, who might there be. There is nothing to conceal. What can there be to conceal. I have no home so cannot come to it. Have you a parent, grandparent. There is nothing to conceal. What can there be to conceal. You want it of myself, if you require it
That was said. Yes, I said it to them and have heard it of others
These voices continue. Let them. What can we do. I could have done nothing other. There was not any judgment. But I also must answer, yes.
It is not courage. If they will kill me
They torment
And people also observe. Of course. These emotions are no recourse, are meaningless.
People themselves will gain, from observation. We approve, or not, approve disprove, disapprove. They would begin with myself, observing without objective. I said it to them. Some replied that matters might go untouched, not particularised, seen as future strength, even individually, used by the securitys in bargaining, even as to myself
so what is that that I am to say
my movements, to talk of them
yes there are fools, all know, the foreign authority also, so thinking
21
“if under false pretences”
But those for whom we were perceived they watched us, they watched me. Their eyes might flicker. The feature that was consistent was sardonicism. They were not angry, not irritated. It was beyond a personal emotion but holding true only should the circumstances not alter. If I/we had given rise to inconsistency emotional alterations might have taken place and in the past I had given rise to anger. The most common effect if not immediate impatience was frustration, the frustration of the individual, not unkindly. But soon it yields impatience then irritation, yet within the impatience is the seed of the sardonicism. If the sardonicism was always to follow, if I knew this to hold true always, then on behalf of others I might relax, have relaxed, I think I did. For myself, I had to contain my inner life. Ever-watchful. If I was stopped the mistake could never be theirs, never of their manufacture. My circumstances were awkward and difficult and this was assumed. They were obliged to assume this until they might intuit something other. Once that was made into its place, put into there, then I was altered, become a hostile presence, so that for then, until then, I was present under false pretences.
I know this as a juncture. It can arise on the road to a freedom, what is mistaken for freedom. This idea is necessary to take the step, to progress beyond that juncture, before setting oneself the task, of getting to it.
If I continue under false pretences.
Yes, what then?
It need not be a point towards something further.
Others were offered inducements, I was not. I was not forced, nor physical pressures put to me, onto me. It did not happen. I can say it did not. I shall not deny the thing. Is it reality. Then it is reality, if it is reality it is so.
What then, these other voices.
These other voices never cease. Varied elements, words sometimes distinct. The people there did not notice the voices. They had their own thoughts, deeper thoughts, deeply, more, some having strategies, existing within these strategies. Perhaps they have reached midway, now, perhaps further, soon they will awaken and will re-enter the world. I am part of this world. For now, until then, they do not (cannot) perceive me.
Should I be allowed this?
Yes, not as licence, I should be allowed this not as licence, having come to there. I have arrived to there. Yes a journey
22
“intercession/selection?”
None thinks the value of what we do diminished. Selection is resolved earlier, it is prior to what we do. What we do is no less integral. It should not be downgraded, this at all costs. To downgrade what we do is a knife-thrust into the core of that culture which is to say their culture, I do not say ours.
Myself and former colleague were among those invited so to enter at the early age, why selected I cannot say but from then, my thoughts of that time, images remain.
If I tell of what we do, I can, I can say of it a concatenation of images and conjectures, this is what it is. But this is to be human. We humans are this. The substance of what we do is it, the essence of any one human.
I do not believe that what we do is not of interest. If only as a confirmation it is validated. Its worth cannot have been overestimated. But what we do only is adequate, neither less nor more. Only is a descriptive term.
For those selected a mystery remains, the power of selection not being with them. They have little power and that power cannot be. If it remains a mystery then how so, this because those not of power are chosen by those having the power but no intercession has occurred, no intercession can occur.
Authoritys and other powers show ignorance of a crucial tautology that may be formulated if roughly, having sense as follows, we have been selected by virtue of our merits, these merits are worthy selection criteria. Further, that these merits, being specific, are of universal application. Upon selection power is/was taken from them [democratically-elected governments, dutiful-appointed].
Prior to my selection they did not know the word. I speak of our parents, firstly my own. The reality was far removed from them, such that the name, I speak of the word, that it alone left them floundering. There was the conversation where a pause was left by them, when the word should have been uttered they left the pause. I have a strong memory. I was to appear in front of a committee. What committee, district committee, committee of our people. I spoke of this to my parents. They looked one to the other. If I am selected, I said. My father was worried and so I said to him, I am selected. But did not finish speaking this, looking to my mother if she would comment, hoping she might, I think but also as though a thought did exist, shared one to another. He knew of this thought but could not utter it, could not think it. He knew of the thought but could not think it. We may extend this, say clearly that this is an extension of it
fate befalling, events that might take place, a future for myself, what might it be, and in this lifetime would they see me ever again. These were the questions, questions I then thought. And my father, future for himself.
The committee consisted of four men and a woman, each having a copy of the document. When I had entered [my father waited below] and was standing inside that room I saw that they had been discussing a subject, of course myself. One male reminded me of someone, stared to me then began as the speaker. He spoke and it was peculiar to my ears. They were learning of my community, culture of this community, learning from such as myself, the value of their positions increasing thereby.
A woman then continued, her voice the same, then stopped and I was informed by another of the males of the rarity of this occurrence, the selection of myself, such as myself, but that this selection certainly had occurred and certainly had been ratified. Others of the committee confirmed this. A silence followed. I interpreted th
is as a question and moved quickly to speak but the male stopped me, smiled at his colleagues. He said to me, This no longer is part of your world. You require patience. You will have been under strain. Let me say that you should pay heed to the document with the word and its adequacy. You have put forth the document with the word, its contents are yours. You have understood that this must also be a practice.
Of course these people were members of the group of that now I belonged, I was now within. I believed they might think well of me. It was fancy. I was foolish. Arrogance was a central feature of my imagery and conjectures, causing amusement and also I think wonder. Individuals as myself bringing order to the group by remaining with it, also as affirmation, I think so.
My own understanding had been a hatred, colouring my view of the world, and now within the group I could progress, hate was not proper, not adequate.
Of course my thoughts and imagery were precise, especially then. I would have taken their value for granted. I then believed values were shared. It only was notional. I tried to be as prepared as much as was possible, that I thought possible. I prepared myself. There was no counsel. Not that I would term, not any. I could look, listen, sensing what I might. I had an understanding. It is said of my parents that they had such understanding but I say if so never was it obvious, if my selection did derive from their part, no, not that I could say.
Community leaders regarded me as impertinent, they blamed my selection on me, they said that I was responsible for it, giving me to understand, not using the words
the thing to separate us from my fellows
who we were
I may speak of security, perhaps of securitys, the security, that security, security
23
“she offered”
Yes she offered herself to me. I never heard her laughter. She was a girl. Her laughter. She would have laughed, who does not laugh. I would have walked with her and our lips could not meet.
No I had not heard her laughter, never, but who does not.
Yes I would have walked with her, of course.
These people moving in the shadows, our bodies also in shadows, while our sounds, together our sounds. She cried out, slight but a cry, she too. And she uttered no word, she would not have uttered one. The sharp inhalation of breath only from her at my entry, not having conceived of the size. And when I continued to push a gasp from her, eyes tightly shut that she could not see but then in the darkness I did see her eyes open, looking to myself, staring into me, into my eyes, and her lips moving, her tongue, wetting her lips, looking, looking to me, while around us were the shadows of these people. They moved, these were bodies, I know. We were lying together. It was her coverings. I came to her and she remained. These others lay. She was uncomfortable. What more. A girl there in that place and all of these, shadows moving but people. It was the next night, also in darkness, night, mid night. I would have walked with her, of course. In the light, morning, daytime, of course. At that time all was burning, odours always, burning, all things. These places may disturb. Yes.
rustling, quick breathing.
the children jeered, little children. I would punish them.
They did not anger me.
I walked there and also not alone, others walked there. The women also could jeer. Not in voices, nor did they laugh.
Men were there. The women lifting their skirts while treading the steps. They go up, go down.
I could not see.
I do not know, some can have. But she made the offer to me, it is clear. The girl had indicated, I went amid the shadows knowing that she would find me. I know of traps. Of course
None other knew of it. I was alone. This girl knew only myself, offering herself, to myself, I have said.
I lay with her. I know her fragrance. Yes beautiful of course beautiful.
Women do it, they are magicians.
She came to me. This is why I say it.
I never heard her laughter.
I am tired.
These places disturb. I would go and it would be darkness.
People always are moving. There, everywhere. Where do they not move. All people. Children, old people, infirm, should be dead people, no limbs, all were there, all were moving, more, it was no comfort, I have said, for the girl for myself, all people, everyone so found it.
I do not know. She lay and I was to her and no word between us, I entered her but she was not prepared. She cried out. I pressed, entered. Not prepared, I say, if she had been prepared, she was not. A cry came from her. Yes involuntary of course involuntary a cry is involuntary, I am not speaking this to say nothing, if it did not happen. I say what happened. She did not know. She brought me to her but did not know what was, man to woman, she knew but did not, of course, I said she was a girl, I said she was beautiful, girl, woman. Yes. In darkness in lightness, I would have walked with her. Publicly, what is to say. There were children also there. I saw them, heard them, if they might jeer. I would punish them, older people are teachers. Her family was there. Her mother and father. I know nothing of them. Her father hated me. Younger man, his daughter. Many fathers so hate, yet his daughter came to me only. What her mother did see, her daughter alive. Who knows these things, I also am alive, also weary. These people moved on, the girl with them.
24
“most evil incidents”
I said about this area bodies lay, people sleeping, resting, also were three children nearby, these were with one woman, and one other woman was helping her with them and also nursing I saw that she helped with one baby, whose lungs we heard.
I had not been here a long period and such was its history, each section having its own, as its own people. We listened to the ravings of those destined to die. I listened to those ravings. And if death rattles. So of the security who was marked amongst us and was to be dead and would become so I heard that noise, a whispering of it inside his body, spirits of all dead people, murdered people. He spoke to me in our section and it was late night, people asleep,
so,
resting,
if night-time he was to be dead, who was to do this if myself yes myself. I had seen this security outside of our section. I recognised him, that when my companion had been here he had spoken to her. What did he say. If what he said, I do not know but that he came to her and did so. This was two weeks before her disappearance. Now I was alone, now he sat by me, saying of himself how he was content, contented man. His voice was low, yes, and three other securitys were by the door. It was to myself he spoke. The thought then was to the front of my brain that this one man, security, it was myself would kill him. If it was a decision, I so had made it, even before he came to my place. I had thought how to do it, having no weapon, if I might so acquire something, using it, what means so to acquire. But why had he come to my place, was kneeling at my side, speaking to myself.
It was said of my companion who then was how she had been removed. Her disappearance was a removal. Such was said. So, resting, this night, coming to kneel by my side near to where I lay, I said it was late night, I was not sleeping, but as so. There was a covering, I had pulled it around me, yes resting, lying in my own thoughts, times from before her disappearance.
I cannot say of my mind in those days bad days evil days, but becoming accustomed to that absence. I would not see her again. I would see her again. When it might be, if I would. It was possible not possible, what may be possible, life itself, is it possible, as we can conceive, human beings. Yes for some and not for others, what authority, what power, if we have power, the control that we may so make use of it, what do we have, and if so how we make use of it, what are we, who is selected who invited, how are we we who are we who choose, making such decisions, gripped by others, we are enticed by others, so taken, and people have no faces, I see that they do not have, that none may resolve this, for nothing so may be resolved, or if we all must disappear, let all of our people so disappear, we are not in the world, effaced from it.
Such questions, whi
le continuation continuation. How we do it, this is how. So, resting.
And I was cold now the covering pulled around me but as to have gone beyond sleep, if ever again. By it, speaking of my mind and our mind, what is in our mind, we may sleep forever.
What was to happen. She had suffered. What do I dream,
thinking of dreams, and of childhood no more enough and enough enough, this security, one who had been marked by some, myself ourself, having marked this one. He knew it yet sat near to me, saying of himself how he was content, I did not know, what that arrogance may be. He held only contempt for us, I say it, and now speaking, and what of myself, contempt to myself, if I also am a man. It was muttering. And this muttering from him, beginning in whispers as of praying, if he was stating a prayer, what is prayer, so low in his voice none but myself could hear. In solitary tone, monotone, monologue. There were these monologues, people speaking in that fashion, it was common but not by securitys. But if he wished to talk with me, I knew it, and he would not begin but after these mutterings. I was having to listen to them and so listened. Religion. If it was religion. I do not know, perhaps, some might say, ramblings, musings, prehistoric idiocy. I cannot make sense of these things, nothing, neither from himself. The muttering altered but all was prefatory, I knew so, if he would tell of my companion’s disappearance and of one other now dead, an older woman, he would speak of that time.
These were two issues.
The light came from his skull. Skulls may give light, if the colour of this light is blue, colour from his skull. It is not a colour of life. Death skulls, these are blue. And if I battered this skull, if I were to have one rock and to smash it down and the skull was to crack, shattering, eggshell pieces, electrical sparking. He said how the people he had made dead were people as myself [himself]. I could make sense of it, not moving, my eyes open. He saw that they were. He said how the people he had made dead were people as himself. It was not viciously done. Neither brutally, not as in barbarism, nor the animal as some said bestiality. It was not the mark of the barbarian. Some would say this. I might say this. It would be said of others and be so that all might see it. Yes if he did bully, that he might be a bully for people but he has had charge of children, baby children, elderly women, crippled men, those being without feet without hands. When a young man he nursed such individuals, all things. Therefore we may excuse him, if all executions are duties, carried out as dutiful, all executioners so appointed. Powers are discretionary, they may be. We exercise these powers, executed as dutiful. These people, always they were as himself, it was/is imperative to him, himself himself, these other people, he has never bullied, is no bully, cannot be such, he does not terrorise, is no terrorist, cannot be so. It is not cowardice. If I may think it cowardice, it is not cowardice, what obligations may be, who is a colleague who now a security, if from such as myself he may not conceal matters, yes, from such as myself, securitys do not conceal matters, if their voices are loud, yes, they do not lower them, and if we so hear them, they do not see us, if a duty only, yes, they then may see us.
Translated Accounts Page 14
