So with my own father who believed I also had power. I did have power, but not as he thought. It was necessary he held this opinion, proper that he so believed. As the general situation such opinions held as by parents would not interest myself, nor colleague, colleagues, yet in the form of specimen, yes, it is possible. If we considered the lives of our parents, these were a form of nightmare. But for younger men what the lives of adults are, who can say. When I had entered the teens I could not have used certain words and terms in their presence. I had to leave and I did leave, was taken, it may be said. I could not have remained with them, conscious of that inferiority, to have coped with the knowledge.
Yes superiority. If it is to be so transformed, I make no objection, and can say it, now say it, as with my former colleague I held that superiority, over my father and mother. Who will slap his face in her presence, in his presence slap her face. Who will slap one’s face in my presence, slap my mother’s face, father’s face, presence of myself, who will do it to my father, father of my former colleague, and to we two, who will do it.
What is there.
I can speak of one night lying in my bed she came to me, my mother, and spoke and I also to her, beginning with the words When I return from. I cannot recollect more of that, coming to home. Her reaction was strongly affected, how it was that she shrivelled, in front of my eyes losing weight losing height, becoming this ancient woman, manifestation of powerlessness in front of my eyes, and she knew it well. She could say nothing to me. I had advanced to a level beyond, beyond which she would not understand, neither to have withdrawn.
Yet we ourselves had made that decision, myself herself, one to one, I know it now, perhaps then also I had the understanding, as my former colleague, yes, at that time we spoke together.
We acceded to obligations.
And our parents, taking pains to hide worldly things for the sake of each other. I can have sympathy. What is not possible, not permissible. These things had entered our lives and through this the lives of our parents and elders, forced to concede their inferiority. If choice did exist, did it so for we two, no, I do not think so, we had none, it was to be accepted and we accepted it, as must they. We had no choice, acceding to obligations, I have said.
Then of my former colleague I would say he had that imagination, necessary imagination. Decisions were taken early, from when, when is it, when for myself, the age of twelve.
If in those days my father had friends it did not continue. I remember how he would stand, hands in pockets, head cocked to the good ear, his head nodding while he looked off that he might listen the more intently (the sight of a speaker’s face disturbs our attention). His gaze would settle on myself. He had a mannerism, how he would shake his head, meantime in the act he would have established not only his inferiority but that he was not discontented, not a discontented man, often dangerous. I recall how he looked to me, frowning, yes distracted, not with comprehension, neither occurring to him that I might pay heed to this. No reference was made to these encounters.
The company of my father was acceptable to the community, company of my former colleague’s father also. But the community was of them, not we two ourselves.
My father could not speak to me on matters beyond the immediate, continuing to lead me on forays upwards of the river, and we would find there different things, lumps of rubber, metal or wood. He led, moving quickly not quickly, slowing as he thought, searching for all things, bodies could be there, deaths that need not have occurred. This was how he said it to me, need not have occurred, people who need not have died. There came the occasion of the white clothing. It was among the undergrowth, ferns, sunflower plants. It had a sleeve torn and was of no value, also stained, of course blood, I did not touch it, my father did so. We found that body, of a man, each leg snapped above the ankle as so, laid on the track for the train wheels. My father did not say this to me but it was known, I knew it as did he. I told it to my former colleague, then boys as we were, he listened closely, asked of the dead man who had been of our community, from our district but had not been here for some long period. Who had killed him, we then thought securitys, we made inquiry, securitys not securitys, if military were in the district.
Impertinence is a worldly quality. For our parents it would have been beyond them always. An exhibition of impertinence had a peculiar effect on them. I knew it as a child. They thought of me as “godlike”. Yes, I believe that to have been true. But they would stand together. After the selection had been made known I saw my father look at me as though become aware, and only now, that a secret had been kept from him. My father believed I had kept a secret from him. I do not know of my mother if it was the same, if it is possible, I do not think so. The possibility of my selection was not kept from him, nor from my mother. For the lives of parents it would have been not so difficult could they have considered themselves accomplices.
What I am to say.
If I so could do, I could not, if such a choice existed, it did not. I say it with certainty. I cannot say this for other than myself. I am saying nothing of my former colleague. I know nothing of himself and father, his mother or other family, I know nothing. We only were boys together. Beyond selection we moved separately. I did not see him for years after it, ten.
For myself, imagination might lead further as it was to do and from then, the break having been made by myself, no I did not see him for some long period, I have said years, ten.
29
“I bore him no ill will”
I bore him no ill will, did not see him either as cause of evil. What terms, what can be said. He of course had the authority, anything. It was more than nominal. If only that I still would have allowed it. He was not a fool but responsible. The hunger in his eyes was for something that for me would not exist but yet had its meaning. He had asked that I accompany him and it was complimentary. But his authority, he used this with me. He could only use it. I do say he enjoyed it. Authority is not irrelevant. I say he did enjoy his. It had moved beyond good humour. At first I thought so, the joke lying between us. Later, no, he had authority, he used it.
Yes, I felt emptiness. Also emptiness in him. Knowing of life I never would have. I would not live. He hoped that in knowing this I would act in accordance. What this did mean, in accordance with the death to come, my death to come, was it close was it afar, what was it, I am young, younger. You will not live beyond this time. I looked at him. He supposed that I had this knowledge. If I also knew it. Something, this is what I am saying. He could have seen this, his eyes searched into me. I said, I shall live. But he did not say more.
He was not godly. If he was a spiritual man I do not know. Some said evil. I do not know evil, these terms. Hunger in him, yes, but what was that hunger. Not for life, he also would be dead, he also knew it. He had no children.
I would not feel much.
Unlike others who would use such knowledge against myself and others, harbouring suspicions always, all times
He was regarded highly, by colleagues, by superiors.
Yes.
I do not know evil.
What is choice if there is choice if what is meant by it what people will know, our people do not know. If there is a people what one, can I know them, if our people may know these others.
The proof is our burden. These peoples luxuriate, thinking that we so choose. They luxuriate, as our children.
But what of them. Agencies, may to be international
our children.
Beside this what else to call it but fire, passion, for me to witness and who else but not his own people, he could not have allowed that. Why? Why can we not allow those near to us, those with us, to understand that this passion is present, ever present. But for me, yes. I was to hear his story, I would to hear his story, of course, know his life, yes. Man of action. Yes. We all, men and women all.
I have said it how when he knelt onto me, pinning me down, the stench of him, sweat, urine, if he had committed abuses, but h
e did not commit abuses, only the stench, if it was so
but could not now look to myself and said, On the floor by your head there are insects wriggling there. I have crushed them, three four five, family of them. There are wooden boards by your head. If these insects crawled from there, it is possible. This family of insects have walked from your head, from your ears. Are your ears clean? People do not examine ears, why not? There is a wish to kill you. May we? I am representative. If you present the problem, where lies the burden of it? What do you say?
I would not look to him.
It is only to yourself I am speaking only to you. Listen
Who would care about such things. Himself myself. He did not care I did not care, if death is to come, of course. I had no regard for it, for himself. I was aware of it, of one I must discover. My mind was wandering, I forced myself, again concentrating concentrating. There were these recent events, difficult events, men crowding into the section where those activities occurred as that intending to compete with each other, of course taking all that they could, if exists respect sharing one from another, manhood one from another. I cannot believe it. And is it a small matter, grave matter, I cannot believe that respect was so shared. If it was possible, I do not think so.
They made full use of the laxity. None was surprised. If I could say why. Men gain strength, perhaps women also.
He whispered, They will return, it is clear, certain, we cannot act other. You were in earshot. Yes. It can make no difference, if these are your own people, whose own people. I am not familiar to them. There is no individual basis, personal basis, none. No, nothing is known to themself, so they pretend, smiling, the smile allied to fear. It is not only of foolish people. Listen
The sounds now were there, not thumping. If they were, mildly, not loud, for the sound of it had come to me as through a fog, thickly. It is this therefore that I think the thumping was controlled, perhaps a knock, coded. But then
I could not, if the cold is there.
What
But what I was to do. Older questions return, and tiredness
not young however I would say he would have been thirty-five years, great shock of hair. It was to this man they referred. The other had escaped? I think so. I thought that the man killed was one of these but perhaps not, discussions were there, several did discuss this and other occasions. If they spoke to impress only listeners, myself and others, yes, I do not know why, only later he was killed.
30
“leg wounds”
It was tiredness, being so tired, we two. If exhaustion is healthy tiredness, I do not think so, tiredness of our work, operations, what operations, some speak of our operations, some of duty. I speak of this land, it is difficult and hills there and he was leaning to myself, onto my shoulder, could not walk. I am strong enough and if he also is strong, strong man, stronger, I too, and he is not so heavy, I could take his weight. But that night, what of it, we had found a space but there was little shelter if a sanctuary, there was no covering only clothes, what warmth, none but we two and I recall the shivering, shivering, and could not get warm, a time when I never never could get warm, and the wind through us my colleague the same, and shivering shivering I could not give warmth to you my colleague.
Later was the sweating. I was lying tightly to him, and that was pain and I did not understand, nor then knowing, but later and all was thickness stickiness, stickiness of that, and by moonlight I saw it now the blood, blood all, and when we ripped the material of the trouser seeing how that the right limb also was damaged at the knee, swollen there and colours of the flesh ugly, yes, I knew they would sever this leg, so I thought, it would be cut from him, yes, I thought so and he also, looking to these wounds, if some other thing might happen or, if this, until later to myself I thought I saw it in his face this further a puzzlement, I saw it there, it was a puzzlement and he did not look to me, not to myself, if so he was thinking not leg wounds may be fatal wounds, no, how can that be it cannot, if so he was thinking, how can it be? if leg wounds may be fatal wounds, we neither of us conceiving of that but how that tomorrow must come of course day will break and how he might then walk, how to do it as so we must, moving from that territory, if escape, what escape may be, he to rely on myself, of course, and for walking a stick of wood and tomorrow I would find one and it was tomorrow he was dead, next morning. What I say now, speaking of him. I shall get a stick for you, it is a stick for you tomorrow, crutch for you. He was gripping my hand, yes, greater pressure, applying to it. His brow was fiery now cold, sweating cold. He looked to me. Tomorrow there is a stick, I said it to him I said I shall find it, there is a stick, I shall find it, we may escape out from this territory, you may walk, this leg will heal.
What sentiment. Tomorrow I made the escape out from that place, yes, leg wounds may be fatal wounds. He knew it, if there was a truth. I do not know his look. That we then were alive, yes, as one, no, did I feel that then about us, no, himself myself, warmth of my body yet that night, what of it. What we do say. I can discover what we say, in that process. It happens and we act, look, it is happening, we act, act is the knowing, saying, speech act. What is your language? If it is my language. He slept by my side, was dead, yes, I think then, holding onto him, if he was dead, yes. Sentiment. I do know sentiment and international agreements, heads of states, yes our colleagues I do know. Sentiment. But I could not get warm. Not that night, shivering I to give him warmth my colleague his body, he lay and his pain was there and in his voice, he lastly was talking, and now the blood, blood, so much of it and on the clothes and I to his leg it would not be staunched, using garments, my garment. And later I was sleeping, stopping sleeping, could not waken, he only by my side and there was warmth but later again was cold and I was awake, so cold, colder. This was how he died. We then were together.
31
“if I may speak”
A relative or neighbour was recounting stories from his own childhood, how life then was in the district, if songs and dancing were punishable offences. Beyond was dark, wintry, the nights then closed in before evening mealtimes and this was it people might enjoy, all children thinking such a time exciting, older people talking together, stories taking much from family history, community history, also invention, and all knew it but that such inventions would derive from these sources.
We were in this house for one evening only. A few years had passed since the killing of the family’s two elder sons by State agency. There was one other son, younger son, also two daughters, married, whose children were here in the house. The younger son was a colleague alongside us on this duty, escorting a guest to our country. He was gone presently to assist in other preparations. His mother and father were seated near to a window, his mother looking to the door, thinking if her son might return quickly, his father was apart, staring to the window, away.
Our guest was not foreign but one who now lived abroad and had returned home for a period, busy period, many meetings, many people, a lawyer. We had two vehicles. We were six colleagues, three now outside this house, stationed. Myself and two others inside, the son as said, and one older colleague who had known the lawyer from these earlier times. One month ago military personnel had fired into men and boys from a football match, killing some, newspapers said was rioting, so also radio, television, all media, servants to the State. This was the lawyer’s return home, why he was here. Before his visit the family had thought him to be dead. They were not people who followed news events for overseas to come upon his name in campaign writings, political writings.
But I should say when it was known he was returning on this visit few among us knew his identity. We were not advised of it. Not myself. If to be taken into trust, if it was not necessary, it was not and I did not think such a thing, decisions were made. His name was familiar but I did not know of him. It was the younger son spoke to me, saying the background to it. The lawyer had come to their home when he was a boy and would stay overnight, people would come, there would be meetings.
This was a difficult time following the death of his brothers and all harassments and retributions then endured by the family. Our “campaigning formation” had assisted the family in their struggle for justice, labouring against the State Security Council, offering advice and all personal support for advocacy matters. My older colleague could speak of these days when such work was undertaken. Our “campaigning formation” then expended much energy on this, work of value to individuals, so is argued, but if such energy might have been expended elsewhere greater successes could have resulted. No longer do colleagues attempt such work. These points so continue to be in dispute among colleagues, some arguing for a return to it.
The relative or neighbour had finished his stories now and our older colleague spoke of the lawyer, explaining how he had come forward in support of our “campaigning formation”, how in those earlier times for such professional people so to come forward was not known. None offered specialty assistance to victims and grieving families and if only sympathy, not in public. Only colleagues attempted to bring such cases to justice, if things may be shameful to a people, scandalous behaviours, horrors and all atrocities and cannot be listed, cannot be discussed, if people cannot know of them. Only colleagues were tackling such work, work for opposition people against all master authoritys, military, securitys, these agencies, servants of the State. Professional specialty people were despised, lawyers, doctors, all professors. Few offered support. This one now our lawyer, this man was unusual, his name so becoming known. He received all provocation and harassment from State agencies but continued helping colleagues come to learn such advocacy matters. Charges of terrorism then had been laid against him, the State prosecutors seeking to bring him to trial that he might be sentenced to many years’ imprisonment, many years. Now he dwelled in foreign countries, had done so for past years. People all were pleased by the lawyer’s visit. Yes, he was alive and did not bow and did not scrape, he was no servant lick-spittle but one of our people, fighting for our people all peoples. He remained hard-working in these foreign arenas, knowing many authoritys, higher authoritys, knowing the views of our “campaigning formation” and speaking of these if he might where he might. It was true of the situation and none was more respected.
Translated Accounts Page 17
