Amereeca, give me passport and visa card that I may boarda ship.
From our own city there is such a ship, give me money I can go, give me visa card passport
What.
I can play football, handball, bodyball, what is bodyball, I do not know bodyball. If I would kill then with the pistol, such a weapon. If this man was kicked. If he is dead, by kicking, I did not kill him. He was kicked in the body, I did not kick him in the body, in the head, everywhere. Football player, not bodyball.
Strangers are tourists. All times not all times. But also strangers can be strong men, if they are, who thinks that, yet some can be. If he who is dead thought to rob some one, if he did, who can say, the tourist is a big man and strong and too a fighter, who is to say, heavy heavy man, tourist man, some are dangerous to others, to ourselves.
He who is dead, skin and bone, what age he was, twenty-seven years and weight, skin and bone, if he could fight, I do not think so.
I did not say political. Some are political, he was not. I did not know him, if that he was, perhaps so, some may be, not political political, if he was. Some also are robbers, yes they are political and also they are robbers. All of we ourselves, we are human beings. He too was human being, waiting at this club where women and girls will be, and for tourists.
If he was there why was he there. Yes, he who is dead. If he was younger, if he was older, older than who younger than who. He liked women, yes, girls too, and was waiting for tourist men, why he was so waiting, taking their money, robbing it from them. And if tourist men wanted him, if then. Some say women but it is men, they say women but if it is women it is to men they look, if these tourist men wanted him, perhaps they did so, he was young man, if he was, I do not know
all things
People say to me political, what is that, I say football, yes, we know football. I walked over the hill, I followed the road, I crossed to the street, I followed it down, I went to there. Here is the club, there is the football, stadium, grass for it. I have played football and [k]now football what of football. Here is the girls here is the women, the tourists
I do not know. Political not political. I do not know.
What is political? Some one will come and take your money, will take your property, raping your women. I do not know. If he was angry with tourist men, he might be. What is to happen. Some are in power, some in authority, holding this over others. Yes there is security, there is also terrorists, as he who is dead, as is known. He was no problem to me, mister skin and bone, if he might be, what, what problem? Political robber terrorist robber, mister brittle bone, what might he be? He is not tobe there at that club, club is for tourist men, what is he there for, to rob these men, strangers to our country, bringing cash goods to our country, who are fools, these men are not fools, if he thought they might be
49
“where, how”
Anywhere, it was just to anywhere, needing that I had, yes escape from this territory. I could not understand my fellows. I was an adult. I did not ask for children’s things. Offerings for children. We had our children, own children, looking to us for guidance. How were they to mature, they required to develop. They would become adults. What sort of adults would they become. They required our presence. But human beings as responsible, as adults, individuals, not images of themselves.
And we were as children. And if we were, yes, why was that. We had become so. How had this happened, what had we done, had it been done to us.
Yes it is true. We were not regarded as full beings. And we were not. It could not be said of us. None enjoys humiliation.
(I had to be going, to be anywhere, just so, as so.)
They spoke of us within our hearing. Yes, we then were present, we did not deter them. If the plight of a people is not recognised.
Our plight was lacking respect. Much would be asked of us, that we take part in our own subjection.
It was asked of us. What does it mean. This was asked of us. I had to be going. Not now, not then. Thus not respected and now I can say as human beings. I understand that. Nor could it have been other, yes, also, I understand it. But I had to be going.
How are we to accomplish that.
How are we to agree our subjection.
But what is the form that it takes. We are to become peasants, children, infant children, in the play-area, servants in a kitchen, waiters waiting, waiting.
I ask now, asked then, tomorrow. We can be asked. Neither indefinitely. I am one who will wield a weapon, any weapon, what is there, if I may reach let me reach, I can .It is something that can be said of me, also
not also, I would be anywhere
I may wish that it had been the case. I have a child.
But I was battered and could not make any movement, not to make any movement. My ankles and wrists, and shoulders too, unable to become free, or to sleep, even that ,I could have wished. Before I could sleep, the spirit refreshening, strengthening, and bruises can heal, the body is beautiful. In sleep we recuperate.
All had ceased to be. In that way, it was how
That I may choose.
Each morning to drag myself into consciousness. I could be dead and would have wanted so to be, many many occasions and the continuation, existing through hatred, a perversion. Is this for children.Children kill, lacking in sensibility.
I can say it that none wished our survival. Finding thisdifficult to accept!
I could be anywhere
nor that to accept it was necessary, also, I knew that. I looked at our children, did they too understand, did they accept it. I think that they did. All children. What age are children, three years, twelve years. This difference may not be in the intellect.
We saw our children. Yes, again yes, yes yes yes yes. And girls, of course women, our town your town any town.
Some did not have women. They were not with us, but then later.
Neither beside us.
What difference.
My body felt that way, it was as though dragging myself, I knew not what to do.
No.
I knew nothing, except that to be anywhere, being anywhere
what do we say
50
“it is possible”
I had been walking steadily, for how long I do not know. Of course in my own thoughts. Also there is a bend in the track, it is slight but enough. I thought the shape was of an animal, a large hare, motionless, by the centre of the way. This was when first I could see it. Not until fairly close did I understand that it was a person. It was a male, a small man. I took him to be in a seated position. It did not seem abnormal. Closer and almost upon him I heard and spied the insects buzzing, flies, varieties of them, also their sizes.
And his eyelids were closed. I did not inspect fully. I had my own business. If the man was dead there was nothing could be done for him. Later I would think of it. I would return short of two hours.
It was simply that I was easing my head. I had been under great stress in that recent period. I was coping. It was such as then that allowed me that I can state I was coping, now.
His legs and arms were bare, a form of covering about his feet, this man on the track. Not shoes, I would say not. I cannot remember clearly. A form of covering. I do not know.
His hair straggled, thinning and grey, dirty in appearance. Perhaps only this was the colour, this grey. I have the strong impression of dust on his head, I would say there was. The flies buzzed here and around exploratory. There was no smell. I walked on walked on.
Yes, I had put it from my mind. I can put things from my mind. Of course such a thing is disturbing and certainly I was disturbed.
It did not spoil my time. I have become adept, it is no insult to me. I have acquired this. Resolve, it is resolve, my own will that I have developed, I am contented with it.
I walked on by the side track, by the edge of the forest. The branches are overhanging. I do not know enough about that country, the kinds of tree there, but of course varied. The track her
e never meets the sunlight so that if rain has fallen days previously then the mud lingers, even many days.
It was then a common outing for me, that place. I would go there by the same route, rarely deviating. The sameness of things was no draw back, I would say a pleasurable thing.
But that country always can be changing. From the autumn period, which was then at its beginning, the colours shift daily, and for me always enjoyable. I did detect here once odours. It might have been sickening. I do not know, I did not breathe through my nose.
Things that we learn, they come instinctively to us. Often they do, resulting from experience.
In what I do I am experienced, yes. I should notice changes. I do notice them. It is right that I do. n the other occasion in this vicinity it was by the shore I recall and that it was a catch had been dumped.
It is my recollection that it was a catch.
Shellfish, whelks, this is what it was. A dry-spell, rotting in the sun. The stench then was a sweetness. These odours at the edge of the forest differed. I would have known if otherwise.
I said this day was hot, humid, sweat poured from me. It was beyond the path that I stripped off my shirt, coming out from the undergrowth and ahead stretched the mountains and already my spirits had lifted so greatly. Always when there is the sense of freedom. And the air too, the whole of it, everything. The freedom may be a real thing. Achievable. Of course achievable.
I carried no burden. I had tied my shirt about my waist. I might have left it by the track but did not. I might have done that, I did not. My return through here was not a thing that was conclusive, not in advance, advance of it.
Blue sky above the mountains, white clouds.
Emotions, we ourselves, we have them.
I was gone only fifty minutes, one hour. No more. I saw noother human being, no animals, squirrels, rabbits, deer, none. But birds, different birds. Yes at another time two whole hours, easily, I say that, but this occasion only one hour and it came time. Time that I return, thinking now of the man, the body of the man, the carcass. What I would do .Of course I would report on it, a corpse, offer an account. But in the meantime, what. I had no blanket nor coat that I might use to shield it, if concealment, I could drag it onto the verge, from the track, into the bushes. But what then. It would have become the more available to prey, simply that. Others can say what they could have done, what they could have done, if, they can say that. They are entitled to say as much. I only say what I did, what thoughts occurred that now I remember
Returning along the track I saw ahead the carcass as before. And many more flies now buzzing, many many more, and settled now on it, a horde of them, all over, face and neck, bare limbs, all over, everything, bare skin and in the hair, buzzing in the hair. Yes it was horrible, as a human being, one to another, to see this happening. Of course my stomach turned, of course.
Having to pass it by, I had to, and so I approached. Now to have left the track and gone at a distance, no, I could not have done so, not that. I approached and was passing, keeping my eyes to the earth before my feet. Soft here, always soft. I could not look I could not, as another human being, a fellow, this wasa man, yes, of course and this horrible deafening, this buzzing such a great loudness, I could not stop my ears hearing it, the buzzing. What else. It was deafening, deafening, I have to say it, how strongly, deafening. Many many flies, tiny tiny, yes mosquitoes and larger, heavy, bloated they looked to me and this oh just the noise of them. Then I roared. I roared. It came out from me. I did not think to do it, neither to stop myself, I could not. To frighten and scatter them. These fly hordes, vultures, they prey on us, they will survive when we have gone.
Yes I roared.
No I am not a religious man. I can say this in my way, that I have no religion, I believe in no god, no gods, these give me irritation. I become angry by such notions. I am not ashamed. Why. I become angry. Yes I become angry, I will never be ashamed. These others should be ashamed. Yes I call myself socialist. I am socialist, a socialist.
How should I say this. Is there a way. No, I do not think so. I do not know what is wanted. I do not.
But that the insects are not the enemy. Of me. Of anyone. They are not the enemy. I say that.
Yes my stomach was heaving, I said so. I said so. Turning, it was. But I saw that scarcely were they affected.
The insects.
I had passed on.
I said that scarcely were they affected. A voice is a weapon. As human beings we have different weapons, many weapons. Yet such had been the depth of my roar I felt something of it might linger, captured there. I do not know. A sound is material. A sound causes vibration. Thunder can shake a house. A woman whose child is dead, her scream. These things are material, things in the world. The sound I made, that roar. I cannot say but that there seemed no impact, scarcely were these flies affected. I thought that. But now from behind me, not less than ten paces on from the body, there was the disturbance, I heard it, horrible disturbance. And looking back seeing the carcass, that it moved, I saw it, the body of the dead man moving, it did, moved. From the seated position. The seated position, where it was. The carcass crumpling. But the legs then kicking out. They certainly kicked out. Then a second time. The flies had scattered. But not far, then returning. And the body lying still. The body now lying still. A carcass, corpse, yes. I saw also that the eyes were open. Sometime they had opened. I cannot say anything more and nor could something have been done, if life had been there. Some life had been there, certainly I would say that it was possible certainly possible, but not now.
I am saying that life might have been there. It is me who says that.
I am not ashamed. Of what. There is nothing I need be ashamed. I adapt, also. I adapt. We adapt. We all adapt, you and I, there are many of us. No, I do not feel guilty.
It is me who says that, I said that. That moment. When I saw the moving, the body moving. So from that, the impact, when I roared so so loudly, so very loudly I do not know how loudly but I yes screamed, it was screaming. We are humans together. The eyes open. Nothing further could be done.
Yes I say that. The period when nothing can be done, there is that period.
Yes I walked on. I said that.
51
“her arms folded”
The name of an individual is important, I know that it is, but also that what is to do, I know, from myself not from myself, what to do, what I can do, what that I am to do, if I can do it then I shall do it, that I am not obstructing movement, we move ahead, we are to progress, how that is to be doubted, not by myself.
When she spoke to me she tried always not to smile, her arms folded beneath her bosom. I had to look from her, away from her, her from my mind. Yes, it was herself and her smile to me. It is sentiment. I do not know if she is dead. The sentiment comes not from that. She may be dead, it is a memory of her smile. I may lie awake through the night and the noises of the others and in my mind her smile is to me. Who she was, arms folded there and her smile. Yes to me. I have said. What could be denied, by whom is it.
It is possible, I do not think so .If it is so not by myself.
People do seek that they will know it, they will not know it by myself, myself myself. There is no matter other. I do not charge people other. They have their lives we have our lives, having these lives individually one another one to another,
what, if I am to say, what it is.
The image now recedes, if it is this required of me, yes, I no longer see her clearly, her smile is sad was sad is sad. I did not recognise the sadness, if it was earlier, seeing only the smile, arms folded, beneath her bosom, character of women, making smiles from we ourselves, detail of character, details, those of women, we men smile.
If I knew who that she was, I am to say it, no, I do not think so, I do not think it is possible, ifs he slips from my mind. I am one man. Others have seen her, men have seen her. They may be asked, not asked
If she slips from my mind.
What it is requi
red, I am not to lie awake, I am to guard even my mind, she must not gain entry, what is this woman, who she is, what we men must do must not do, if her name is important why that can be, what the outcome, if some one end is there. I said her smile was there always. It is my memory. What we may mean by memory, I do not say what that is, all know what it is, I am one yes one of all I am not god, there are children, men, women, we ourselves, who we can be, and simply I am one of those, if her name is important what I am to say, her name is denouncing her, I am to denounce her, it is not possible. I am to die, kill me.
Yes I smile. I am safe, thus it is, she is in me. It is not ended. I do not care if so not so. If its importance is to myself, what it may be. It is man from woman.
When she spoke to me. I said that she did so, yes.
If she said things I do not know what those might be.
I can speak, speak not speak, I have no power. I can sleep, if I can sleep I shall sleep.
And if she comes to me, she may come to me, amid noise of others that also may sleep, in sleep, sleeping noise.
I smile, in her memory, memory of her, memory gives to me the image of her, I smile now, her memory is not with me it is she who is with me and her arms folded there, she always is so, alive, smiling to me, present there, also now, now.
52
“spectral body”
I could not. I did not know. Or if he was not human, perhaps if he is not human. Some are dead things, if he too was such a thing. Yes I thought that he might be, if it was a boy. What hand laid against my back if this was its hand, spectral body, laid as gently, this wisp of breeze, where life is and departing, this was a spirit, if of relatives, dead people, this was such a spirit. I thought through it but there was none, perhaps older, ancestor, closer to my grandfather, watching for me
darkness in the doorway
He is not dead but living, as spirits may do, living and breathing staring to myself. But I knew nothing of such a boy, or if a girl, if she had been a living thing and now was dead. What? This spirit was as nothing. I am a human being, neither blind nor deaf, not dumb, able to listen, touch or smell, I do all things. I am no killer of children. We may expect of security. If they are protectors, whose. In the club downside the bridge I saw her. This is the girl, she is the same, also watching us then, but boys and girls may vanish quickly, they go and return, not seen, we do not see them unless they make us so, also spectral.
Translated Accounts Page 26
