by KL Shandwick
“Yes, but…”
“Then trust me to get you through the rest of it.”
With a heart full of dread and my stomach in knots, I let Flynn lead me upstairs. We stopped outside Adam’s door. Flynn reached out and turned the handle. The door opened, and the first thing I saw was Adam’s prized possession, his signed framed Wez Welker number eighty-three Jersey hanging on his wall. Next to it was a cabinet where he shelved his football trophies. My dad made the cabinet when Adam won his third one when he was seven years old. That’s when we knew he was going to be a football star. He’d have been a huge celebrity football player in time. Everyone who knew Adam said so.
My eyes continued to scan the room and rested on his bed. My breath caught in my throat because the room smelled of Adam. My throat closed with emotion when I pictured him lying there asleep in my mind’s eye. His room was neat, just like Adam, he was always organized. I closed the door and breathed a heavy sigh of grief as yet more tears rolled down my face.
Flynn squeezed my hand and leaned closer brushing my tears with the fingertips of his other hand. “You’re doing great, Valerie,” he cooed softly and began tugging me toward Martin’s door. I initially struggled and tried to flee. He pulled me in for a tight hug and rubbed my back again. My heart felt as if it would break if he opened Martin’s door.
“You can do this, babe. Martin wouldn’t want you to be afraid of him or anything about him.”
He was right of course. Flynn turned the handle and opened the door. He pulled me inside before I could think too much about it. Martin’s familiar smell filled my lungs and I inhaled it deeply. It was like he was there. My eyes darted around the room, and I saw the large mirror he’d bought at a yard sale. He said it made him feel like there was more space in his room.
He’d pinned his favorite pictures of all his family and friends down both sides of the mirror. I wandered closer to look at them. Nearly all of the photos had one of us siblings in them with him. Kayden and Martin, Adam and Martin, the whole family. Martin and me. I ran my fingertips lightly across the pictures, and fresh tears welled in my eyes until the pictures blurred.
Another caught my eye just as I was turning away. I stopped and picked it off. Holding it close I stared at Adam, Kayden, Flynn and me. The night of the game. I hadn’t even seen the picture before. We were at the edge of the field when the game finished the day I met Flynn. It looked like an intimate pose with Flynn’s arm resting on the bottom of my back. Martin must have taken it with his phone.
Turning, I held the photo out to Flynn. His fingertips plucked it from mine. I walked over and sat on his bed, smoothing the cover reverently under my hand. I picked up his pillow and held it close to my face and felt his presence when I closed my eyes. I imagined he was there with me and I inhaled his scent deeply before reality crept back into my heart and I sobbed into his pillow.
After a couple of minutes, Flynn took the pillow from me and placed it gently back at the headboard. Scooping me up in his arms he carried me out of the door and down the hall. Opening the door to my room, he carefully laid me down on my bed. The mattress dipped as he sat beside me and he stroked my hair and spoke in a soft tone, “Good girl. I know that was hard, but those rooms hold no fear for you now.”
Air passed between us as I felt him move away. I clutched tightly at his hand and pulled him back toward me. “Hold me. Please stay. I don’t want to be alone.”
“Valerie, I don’t—”
“Please… I need…” I buried my face in my hands and wailed loudly.
Flynn climbed onto the bed and lay down behind me. His arm swept under my neck, while his other one pulled me tightly against him. I felt him exhale heavily into my hair before he placed a tender kiss on the top of my head. I felt centered for a moment by his action. It was like he’d somehow absorbed some of my pain.
“It’s okay. I’ve got you, Valerie. Try to sleep, babe.”
I was too tired to think about him in any way except as someone who'd helped me through that day. For the first time since we'd heard the news, I slept without it having to be chemically induced.
Chapter 15 ~ Airport run
Buster’s claws scratched at my bedroom door. I rolled over in bed feeling drained. Flynn had obviously left me sometime in the night because the rest of my Queen bed was cold. I was still dressed in my clothes from the previous day. Dragging myself to the bathroom, I turned on the shower and water sprayed in a fast flow from the showerhead.
Undressing, I noted we were day-three post the accident that changed all of our lives, and I needed my family desperately. I showered and dressed in some skinny jeans and a white sweater, then headed to the kitchen. Auntie Joan was emptying the dishwasher and stopped when she saw me.
“Morning, honey. How are you doing?”
“I’m doing,” was my flat reply.
“I know… me too,” she gave me a small smile and came over to hug me.
“I heard Flynn leave earlier. Did he stay the night with you?”
“He took me into Adam and Martin’s rooms last night. I was upset he…”
I didn’t know how to say it, but she finished it for me.
“He stayed with you. He’s a good boy, Valerie. I think I made an error in my judgment on that one. The way he looks at you…”
“He can look all he wants, Aunt Joan, he’s a friend. Nothing more. I don’t want us to be anything else. I don’t know what the hell I want anymore.”
Two sharp knocks interrupted us. She shot me a glance and went to open the door. Flynn stood there with his hands on the doorframe.
“Lee’s made breakfast. Both of you beautiful ladies are invited. He’s made tons, so I’m not taking no for an answer.”
Flynn pushed into the kitchen and slipped his hand into mine, “I can see an excuse brewing in that gorgeous head of yours. You have to eat.” Without protest, I allowed him to lead me from the kitchen across the driveway. We were almost there when the house phone rang. Auntie Joan told us to go ahead, and she’d catch up, so we continued without her.
Lee had made another hearty breakfast. I wasn’t hungry but forced down some scrambled eggs, toast and coffee. My aunt arrived gave me a tight smile and sat down quietly beside me.
“They’re coming home today, sweetheart.”
Flynn glanced at me then at my aunt and reached out and held my hand over the table, “I know. I was waiting for us to finish breakfast before I said anything. Do you want me to take you to the airport to meet the plane?” Auntie Joan shook her head. “I don’t think I could cope with that heartbreaking sight.” I swallowed noisily at the thought of a funeral type cavalcade of cars and the mental image almost choked me.
“Will they be in caskets?” I heard myself ask in a small voice.
“Of course. They may be transported to the funeral home in a black van, though. You want me to find out those arrangements?” Flynn asked.
I nodded. I could cope with a black van, not if it was in funeral hearses with us traveling behind them. The memorial was going to be bad enough I knew I couldn’t have faced that twice.
Flynn stood and went outside. I assumed it was to make that call. He didn’t come back for a while. I’d wondered what was keeping him and realized how quickly I’d come to rely on him for comfort. Maybe that was because my parents weren’t around.
A seven-seater SUV drove up the driveway, and I leaned over to look out of the window. I saw a balding man get out, and he and Flynn walked around the car. They were examining the paintwork. I’d seen Kayden do that kind of inspection a million times with his pride and joy, Susie.
Reaching into the back seat, the man pulled out a clipboard and I saw Flynn sign it. As he was doing that, another car drew up and the guy who had brought the car got in. I watched as it drove away while Flynn walked over to us.
Banging the side of the RV he gave me a tight smile, “Okay, we can’t drive around in this all the time. I’ve arranged a car for us. Anything you need let me know.”
“You could have had my car,” Aunt Joan offered.
“Not enough room for everyone, Joan, and anyway, have you seen me drive? You wouldn’t let me near your car. Actually, driving I’m fine, it’s parking the damn things that I don’t quite hit the mark with.”
Lee smirked. “He’s not wrong. Why do you think I’m here?”
The rest of the morning was full of anticipation and anguish, and I started to think about seeing my dead brothers, and possibly, Ziggy. I felt terrified yet the worst had already happened. Flynn never tried to comfort me when I cried and I was pleased about that. I’d felt it was okay to cry around him. He even encouraged it.
At around quarter to three, we set off for the airport with Lee in the back. Watching Auntie Joan at the door I knew the next time I saw her and the house, my life would never be the same again. It was already changed forever. And even though I’d known about the boys and grieved for them, the realism of them being back in Iowa and putting them to rest sat heavily on my chest. I had no idea how I was going to get through it, and I was genuinely thankful for Flynn.
“Why are you doing this? Why would you come here and put yourself in such a horrible situation?”
“Because I wanted to be here for you. Because I thought it was necessary and mainly because I care what happens to you and your family. I loved Martin.”
I accepted his reasons and sat quietly staring out of the window until Flynn reached over and took my hand in his. Something warm happened to me inside when he did that. I felt oddly protected by that little gesture. My gaze dropped to stare at my little pale hand in his big tanned one and his thumb had begun to stroke the back of it. “Terrible situation, babe.”
“It’s not a situation, it’s a condition,” I retorted.
“How so?”
“This is akin to a lifelong chronic disease. Something I’m going to have to learn to live with.”
“Huh.” Flynn huffed, “True.”
“Well, I’m not going to fucking college now that’s for sure,” I cussed, not even recognizing myself.
“What do you mean? Of course, you’re going to college. Your life continues,” Flynn said.
“No point.”
“Why the hell not?”
“Martin did all that study and Adam… all those hours of training to get to the top of his game, for what? They died. How do I know that’s not going to happen to me? How do I know studying for all those years would be worth it? No one can guarantee me that I’d get to use what I learned.”
Flynn’s head snapped around, his eyes piercing mine and said with conviction, “Nothing is going to happen to you, Valerie.”
“Yeah? Like nothing could happen to my brothers. We’re all invincible until it affects us, right Flynn? Well, hello! It happened. My fucking bright, drop-dead-gorgeous, talented brothers… it happened to them, so don’t bullshit me.”
Flynn just looked at me and shook his head. I took that as dissension, but who knew with Flynn?
We drove on in silence. When we arrived at the airport, Flynn swung the car into the short-term parking lot and parked pretty poorly. I could have parked better. “Okay, babe. I know you aren’t ready for this. No one ever is. Breathe in and out and put one foot in front of the other. If you feel dizzy, sit down on the floor. Last thing you need is an injury if you pass out. I’m with you all the way on this, Valerie. It’s just another hurdle to make it over, okay?”
Flynn had stopped treating me with kid gloves and started to instruct me on how to deal with the gruesome task ahead. Hence his reference to a situation. I could relate to that term when I thought about it like that.
Taking my hand, he confidently weaved through passengers in the airport terminal building behind Lee and for the first time, I realized who I was with. He was risking so much being there, but more importantly than that, I didn’t want my brothers’ homecoming to be turned into a spectacle. Just as that thought entered my mind, Flynn was suddenly recognized. Screaming hordes of girls had just finished at the check-in desk and were running towards us. It was apparent Flynn being there had made their day.
“Please ladies, not today. I’m here on very personal business,” he pleaded with gravity in his voice that asked them not to intrude.
“Who’s the bitch?” One of them shouted.
Lee held them back, and Flynn waved over security. “I have a situation here.” That made me smile despite the circumstances. He seemed to like that word.
Security ushered us in the direction of the VIP arrivals lounge because of the circumstances then had one of the airline staff talk to us. They knew who Flynn was and when he explained why we were there, a woman directed us to a room with frosted glass at the back of a walled off area.
“Please wait here, Mr. Docherty.”
Flynn pulled me to his chest and hugged me tightly, rubbing my back in a soothing gesture.
“Sorry about that. Occupational hazard.”
Once again we stood in silence, and it struck me that we could both have comfortable periods like that without feeling the need to talk just for the sake of it.
Swing doors swished softly open on the other side of the room, and I saw my mom, dad and Kayden come through the door. My heart broke in two for the second time that week at the sight of my one surviving brother. I ran and threw my arms around him. He looked broken, pale and full of grief like the rest of us, but as soon as I’d touched him, he dissolved into a teary mess. He clung on to me so tightly he was hurting me. I couldn’t breathe. Flynn must have seen my distress and was beside me immediately, pulling him off of me.
”Dude, you’re hurting her,” he growled.
Kayden didn’t release the hold he had on me, and Flynn put his hand on Kayden’s shoulder.
“Kayden ease up, dude, she’s in pain.”
Kayden’s arms dropped to his sides, his eyes connecting with mine, and he stood crying openly in the middle of the room before his legs buckled.
“Fuck,” Flynn cussed as he and Lee grabbed Kayden under his arms and held him up. They dragged him over to a row of blue seats and sat him down.
“It’s okay, buddy. You’re back now. We’re going to get you home, okay?”
Mom and dad stood hanging on to each other, and I wondered where everyone else was. Then it dawned on me. This was the rest of us. We’d always have two people missing.
The way Flynn took charge was impressive. He had a real no-nonsense approach and we’d been fortunate that he’d been there for us. As a family, we’d always been very capable, but we were pretty divided that day, and all of us needed direction.
All my fears about seeing the boys were for nothing. We were informed they were in closed caskets and had been transferred to the funeral home directly from the plane. Initially, I’d been upset by that. Eventually, we arrived home and Auntie Joan had made a buffet-style dinner, even though she knew that none of us would do anything more than pick at any food. Flynn and Lee insisted we try to eat.
Kayden hadn’t spoken at all and sat staring out the window. My mom put him to bed after dinner and both of my parents, and Auntie Joan, discussed the funeral arrangements with Flynn. When I was asked to perform a eulogy for my brothers, I choked. How could I stand in front of all of their friends and reminisce fondly? My heart felt like a pile of wet splinters inside my chest, and my stomach rolled every time I thought about them. I told them I wasn’t strong enough to do that.
Flynn suggested that I write something and he’d present it for me. I liked that idea. That particular process placed me in an emotional shredder. By 1:00 am I’d written something that had barely begun to do them justice. I handed the notebook to Flynn to read what I’d written and realized it was late, but I didn’t want to get into bed. After a few minutes, Flynn closed the notebook and nodded at the stairs, almost as if he’d read my mind. “Come on, bed. It’s going to be a long day tomorrow.”
I pulled myself up from my chair at the kitchen table and it was the first time I’d noticed
that cards and flowers surrounded us. There was a hefty pile on the kitchen counter when I passed to go to the stairs. Seeing all the people our tragedy had affected made me feel even more bereft as I continued to the stairs.
“Please come with me,” I pleaded quietly to Flynn as my foot touched the bottom step.
“I don’t think that’s—”
“I need you to sleep beside me. I can’t face being alone tonight. Please, Flynn…”
His eyes darted up the stairs then back to mine. He let out a long breath and swallowed then slowly nodded and took my hand. He allowed me to guide him upstairs to my room. Once there, I brushed my teeth and changed into a tank top and pajama bottoms in the bathroom, before I slid between the sheets. Flynn took off his jacket and hoodie and toed off his shoes. He climbed on beside me and once again spooned with me, holding me tightly, like he had the night before.
Feeling Flynn around me helped me feel safe. I wasn’t happy, but I was… comfortable. With him next to me, I lay quietly thinking and crying until I finally fell asleep. That day he’d made me feel… protected.
I stirred in the night and I felt a vice-like grip on my breast then realized that Flynn’s palm was cupping it. My heart sped up as my head did a mental checklist and then denial crept over me.
I was certain Flynn would never have taken advantage of me at a time like that. I’d reasoned that it was purely accidental and tried to roll away from him. Flynn’s grip tightened and he nudged himself closer. That’s when I felt he was hard. Sometime in the night, Flynn had worked his way underneath my comforter. He moaned against my back then his face nuzzled into my neck, giving me shivers down my spine.
Swallowing hard, I tried to move again, and Flynn stirred, his tongue darting out to lick my skin then he softly bit down on my neck. “Flynn?” His body stiffened then his hand swept away from me as he jerked back to make space.
“Shit. I’m so sorry. I had no idea I was doing that, Valerie.”
“I figured,” I said flatly. My heart thumped wildly in my chest. In my weakened emotional state his touch had excited me and I had no place feeling like that with everything else that had been going on and was still going on.
