by KL Shandwick
“What does that mean?”
“Well, you wouldn’t do that.”
“You don’t know me at all. In another situation, if it wasn’t you. I so would have.”
“If it wasn’t me?”
“I told you. I’m no good for you. I’m fighting with all that I am not to corrupt that sweet little mind and body of yours.”
I lay and thought about that. My brothers were dead. I was sure my brothers had been with girls, but Ziggy was a virgin when he died. We never really talked about sex much but he’d told me that much. I was sad he’d never got to experience that in his life on earth. I knew I’d been becoming more interested about what sex was like, and with everything that had happened I saw no point in waiting any more. My brothers’ protection weakened my ability to cope in real life situations like the one I’d run away from and I’d learned through my brothers’ deaths the world was full of mess and destruction.
“What if I wanted you to?”
“Valerie, I’m going to do my utmost to pretend I didn’t just hear that. Now go back to sleep.” Flynn turned over and faced the opposite direction but continued to lie beside me. I cried softly at his rejection, but he never turned to comfort me. Eventually, I fell asleep again.
Chapter 16 ~ Facing facts
Loud knocking woke me. I rose onto my elbows and turned with a start, initially worried that Flynn was still in the room. He’d gone just like he had the night before. “Yeah?”
My dad slowly opened the door.
“We’re going to the funeral home, Valerie. The caskets are closed. You won’t be able to see Martin or Adam. It’s better that you remember them the way they were, honey. The funeral is tomorrow. We’ve spoken to Ziggy’s parents and decided to have a joint service; we thought it would be less harrowing for all of us than to have two. Most of the arrangements were made when we were in Las Vegas.”
That comment twisted my gut, and I wondered, Where was I in that we? On top of that, the hurt I felt that I couldn’t have one last moment with either of my brothers tore me to pieces. The lack of consideration by anyone for my feelings in all of this seemed mind-blowing.
“It’s better that we do this quickly. The longer Flynn is here, the more chance there is that it will turn into a circus. We don’t want that kind of attention. It’s been bad enough the press have been relentless in their pursuit of a bigger story.”
“So we’re burying my brothers to Flynn Docherty’s tune? We hardly know the guy.”
Dad sat on my bed and took my hand. “I’m sorry you’ve had to weather this on your own Valerie. It’s not how I’d have wanted this. God, what I’d give for this not to have happened. But it has. We’ve been dictated to by the other agencies involved, so we’ve had to allow them to do their jobs so that we could bring the boys home. Now that they're here, we have to lay them to rest. Delaying the inevitable would only be more painful for all. Flynn is only a small part of the equation.”
“And where is Jess? She was supposed to love Martin. I haven’t heard a word about her. Didn’t she care after all?”
“Like I said, it’s been tough on all of us, Valerie. Everyone grieves in their own way. She’s coming to the funeral, but she needed time to come to terms with the accident. Just like Kayden is doing.”
With that, dad became lost in his thoughts, stood and left the room. Twenty minutes later I was dressed and downstairs. Mom and dad left with Auntie Joan. Flynn assured him he’d watch over my brother. I was so angry with my parents because they seemed so distant and I really needed my family. Kayden was still in bed and refused to get up, so I took a page out of Flynn’s book and went to talk to him.
Pushing his door open I saw he was laid curled up facing away from me.
“Hey,” I said, quietly.
When he didn’t respond, I tried again.
“Kayden? Please, would you talk to me?”
“How can I face you? I let you down. I let you all down.”
I shook my head not understanding what he meant.
“How did you let me down?”
“They were my kid brothers. I should have been looking out for them. They died because I never let that fucking branch go and went with them.”
“Stop that right now,” I screamed. “I won’t have that talk. Get out of that fucking bed. You are all I have left. I don’t want to start regretting that it was you that God chose to save. Get up.”
Kayden rolled over. “You’d rather have had Martin wouldn’t you?”
“Stop it. How can you say that? Get up.”
Kayden rolled back and stared at the wall. “No. I wish it was me instead of them,” he grumbled and his voice cracked.
I flung back his door, barged out into the hallway and banged the door behind me. Stomping down the hall, I felt so irate because my rage had gotten the better of me. Fury rose from deep inside me; I spun on my heel, went back and threw the door open again.
“Fuck you, Kayden, you selfish prick I need you too,” I said my voice filled with venom. I strode over to his dresser. There was no way I could allow him to blame himself. I picked up some of the collectible model cars he’d had since he was a small boy, and threw them at him one by one. I’d expected that to have some impact, but he still didn’t move.
Flynn came running in the door, grabbed my hand and stopped me from throwing another.
“This is fucking unbearable. I can’t stand it anymore,” I screamed hysterically.
“Come on, I think you’ve explained to Kayden how much you need him right now. Dude, your sister is hurting as much as you are. Kayden I know this is tough but try to get your ass out of that bed and help me support her.”
Flynn led me sobbing from the room and closed the door. Taking hold of my shoulders he softly said, “Look at me.” I turned and glanced up at him. The tear tracks on my face must have been a familiar sight at that point.
“Breathe, Valerie. You just did Kayden a huge favor. That’s shock talking and thinking for him, Valerie. I read about this, and I suffered just like Kayden is. It’s called survivor’s syndrome. He’s lying there feeling guilty because he survived and your brothers didn’t. He’ll think about what we said and come down in his own time.”
After his intervention, Flynn kept me occupied by honing the wording of the eulogy for the service. I was thankful for his help because he seemed to be the only person who wanted to include me, and he wasn’t even family. His encouragement and guidance amazed me. I was happy that he provoked my thoughts, which helped me to say some of the important things my brothers had given me during their young lives.
Kayden finally made an appearance just after my parents came back from the funeral home. I could see he was struggling with what to do and that he was lost even in his home. I reached out and took him by the hand, and as soon as his hand was in mine his fingers clamped tightly around it. His grip felt desperate, and I’ll never forget the haunted look he gave me. Once I sat him on the sofa, I leaned in and placed my head on his chest. His arms circled my body, and we sat around hugging for most of the rest of the day.
While we sat there, the constant stream of visitors didn’t let up. Many were kind and brought flowers, potted plants, casseroles and enough pies to start a small bakery. People shared in our sorrow, and that seemed to help my parents. Kayden and I were irritated and restless when they came because we just wanted to be left alone. Flynn was conspicuous by his absence until my aunt explained he was giving us space. He never came around for the rest of that day.
OoOoO
Dressed in black, we were all in somber moods, as would be expected for the funeral. Everyone looked immaculately dressed in suits that morning. Flynn knocked on the door just before the cars arrived to take us to the service. He looked like some businessman in his black designer suit and crisp white shirt. Dad nodded a sort of thank you for coming to Flynn. My father was supporting mom, who wasn’t coping at all, and Kayden was being managed by Auntie Joan.
I realized I’d
been waiting for Flynn. I needed him. He was almost a stranger by all accounts, apart from that one visit as Martin’s friend, yet he was the only person to step up to the plate for me when I needed someone the most. School friends had called, but I felt it was more for information than to offer any real support. Having Flynn with me, who instinctively knew what I needed, was an epic relief and reassurance.
My father had chosen the pallbearers. All of Martin’s friends were there for him. Kayden was head pallbearer for Adam, and my dad had Matthew and Ryan lead Martin’s. Ziggy had his dad, uncles and some family friends. When I saw the three silver caskets all in a row at the church alter I didn’t even feel my legs give way. Thankfully, Flynn caught my fall as I sobbed uncontrollably into his chest. I’d wished and wished for it all to be a horrible dream but it wasn’t. It was real. Parts of my heart were in each of those caskets, and the rest was in tatters.
The service was beautiful and ugly at the same time. Everything was too perfect and pristine for my brothers when their lives had been organized chaos. I glanced around the church and saw faces we’d all grown up with, and eventually my eyes settled on Jess. Pale and gaunt her eyes darted nervously around the church. I recognized the signs; she was struggling to hold it together.
I’d been angry about Jess. Why her? What made her so special over the other three people that were so important to me that she got to survive? As soon as I saw how grief-stricken she was it had made all those feelings dissolve. All I felt was pity when I hugged her. She’d lost Martin too, and she was probably the one person in the room that knew how I felt in the sense she had lost a love before it had really flourished.
After deciding I owed it to Martin and Adam to say my piece at the funeral, I stood and tried my best through rolling tears and shaky breaths. When it became overwhelming, Flynn appeared by my side. He held my hand in support to help me finish what I wanted to say. At one point, he had to take over, continuing to read when I couldn’t finish a particularly emotional memory I wanted to share. He even read the part I’d written for Ziggy, about our young love that was untapped and full of hope when he’d left that day.
OoOoO
Flynn gave his eulogy and sang a song he’d written especially for the family. It was an amazing gesture, and it touched the hearts of everyone present. He told me later that his record company was going to release it in the boys’ memories with all proceeds going to bereavement counseling for anyone who knew them. I was choked with emotion by his thoughtfulness, and it would ensure that the boys would not be forgotten.
Once the family had paid their respects and our part of the memorial was over, Ziggy’s family paid their tributes to him, and I cried when most of them mentioned his affection for me saying, “He was the happiest boy alive because Valerie was his girl.”
How we all got through that heartbreaking morning in church, I had no idea. When it was done and we’d gone to the graveside, I felt totally wiped out from crying. When we got back to the house for the wake, I couldn’t go inside and face all the people telling me they were sorry for my loss. Honestly, I’d become immune to those words. I didn’t want people to be sorry. I wanted someone to do something… anything to make what happened a sick joke and for my brothers to walk through our door again… when I refused to go inside, Flynn took me with him, and I spent most of the rest of the day in the RV parked in our driveway.
The house was awash with friends and acquaintances of the boys, and I didn’t want to face them anymore. I was angry they all got to live when my brothers were gone.
The service was done, and my brothers were laid to rest and I just wanted to be left alone. At times during the day, I had found it hard to breathe. The suffocating feelings of distress and sorrow overwhelmed me so many times. Flynn was there for me, telling me to breathe, encouraging me to get through it. Everyone in town was respectful of the fact that although Flynn was a major celebrity he was grieving as well. I was thankful for their common decency with that.
Once cocooned in the privacy of Flynn’s mobile accommodation he flopped down and lifted his feet up on the sofa and stretched out. I sat in much the same position, but on the sofa on the opposite side of the RV. We started chatting, and eventually we reminisced about the boys. He talked about Martin at college, and I filled him in on various adventures we’d all had together as a family. I’d been doing well until he said something that triggered a complete breakdown.
“Come here,” he said, his arms outstretched to me. He didn’t have to say it twice. I leaped onto the sofa beside him and snuggled in at the back, resting my head on his chest. Flynn inhaled deeply and stroked my hair.
“I wish I could take all your hurt away, Valerie.”
My throat burned with fresh tears that I couldn’t stem, and I gave in to them yet again. I wondered for the first time how I was going to get by once Flynn had left. That thought triggered a tight knot in my stomach and my heart jolted with shock at the thought. I was headed for even more sadness. Somehow Flynn had wormed his way back into my affections despite all the grief I was suffering. It made me cry harder. He probably thought it was more of the same grief, but that time it was because I’d be saying another goodbye. To him.
“It’s okay, babe. Look at it this way. The worst has already happened. That may sound like an outlandish thing to say, but it has. Everything else from today can only go upward.”
I pulled my head back from his chest and looked up at him and thought that was a callous remark; then I wondered how I could possibly let him go. Flynn’s eyes dropped to my lips and for a second I thought he was going to kiss me. Instead, he placed his hand on the back of my head and pushed it back to his chest.
“Just rest,” he ordered and let out a shaky, barely controlled breath. I wondered if he was exasperated with me. I knew my behavior had been erratic. I still hadn’t made sense of anything I’d been through during that previous four days or was it five? Even that was a blur.
Lying listening to his strong, steady heartbeat was soothing. The regular rhythm lulled me until I fell asleep. Flynn woke me by changing positions so that he lay facing me. I lifted my head confused about where I was for a second, and my eyes stared straight into his.
“Sorry my ass was numb,” he smiled, and his hand squeezed my hip. I’d been cradled in his arms while I lay sleeping and he didn’t seem in a hurry for me to leave them.
“Has any man told you how beautiful you look when you’re asleep or do I get a ‘first’ with you?”
“No man has ever seen me sleep, apart from my brothers and my dad.”
“Then it’s my pleasure. Valerie, you look incredible when you are sleeping, babe. Your face is like an angel’s. Perfect dark eyelashes rest on your beautiful pale skin and your rose-colored lips… the combination is breathtaking.”
I continued to watch his face and saw that there was nothing loaded behind his comment. He was telling me honestly how he felt.
“Thank you, but it’s only looks. I think a good heart is more important.”
“Indeed, and you have both, Valerie, you are doubly blessed.”
Smiling slowly in my direction I found a small one forming on my own face. It felt wrong to smile on such a day, but I felt that Martin, Adam and Ziggy wouldn’t want me to cry for the rest of my life.
Flynn held my face in his hand, and I leaned into it and inhaled shakily, “Thank you,” I whispered.
“For?” he asked softly.
“Being here.”
“Least I could do.”
His warm hand stayed on my face, his thumb strumming over my cheek. Something shifted between us and his eyes filled with lust.
“God, Valerie. What you do to me.”
“What is it I do?”
“You make me want what I have no business to.”
“Meaning?”
“It doesn’t matter.”
“It does to me.”
Flynn’s gaze dropped from my eyes to my lips. He licked his pulling his bottom one into
his mouth and bit down on it.
“You are so fucking tempting.”
“Kiss me,” I whispered. My heart drummed in my chest with anticipation. I yearned for his soft lips that had teased mine six months previously.
Flynn skimmed his hand from my hip to my head and guided my face toward his. I saw his Adam’s apple bob in his neck and glanced back into his eyes. His pupils were huge as he pressed his lips to mine and without hesitation my tongue darted out to taste him. I traced the seam of his mouth, and he took me by surprise when he kissed passionately back. His tongue thrust quickly into my mouth as he pressed my head closer deepening the kiss.
Electricity coursed through my body with excitement. A soft moan left my mouth and I was lost. As our tongues lashed against the other, the sensation was thrilling. Tiny explosions like mini fireworks burst all over my body, and my pussy throbbed with need.
My hand found his hair and I grasped desperately at a handful, tugging it tightly. Flynn groaned and swiftly changed my position lying me down on the sofa and pressing his hard body on top of mine. His hand wandered down the side of my hair to my neck and then cupped my breast squeezing it tightly.
Breathless and full of want, I wriggled underneath him enjoying the hard bulge that had settled between my legs. The feelings he awakened in me were on another level; everything from excited and needy to exhilarating and electrifying. New feelings that were so much removed from the sorrow I’d been feeling. As lust overtook me, I placed my hands on Flynn’s behind and pulled him hard against me. Flynn ground his erection over my mound, and we both moaned loudly.
Suddenly, Flynn tore himself away from me, and the feeling of loss was back instantly.
“Fuck,” he pulled off me and stood up, shakily running his fingers through his hair. He had a shocked look on his face.
“Fuck, Fuck. Fuck. Damn, that should never have happened,” he barked angrily pacing around the RV running his hands through his hair.
