by KL Shandwick
He stared at me for a long minute and the conflict he was feeling was clear on his face.
“Get up and go home,” he said, unable to keep his frustration out of his voice.
“Why? What’s wrong with me?”
“Jesus, Valerie. Nothing is wrong with you. I refuse to take advantage of you. That should never have happened. Get the fuck home.”
“You’re not taking advantage. I want this.”
“No, you don’t. I don’t. I can’t.”
“Why not? I’m sixteen.”
“Exactly. You need to go home. Forget we did that.”
“I liked it.”
“So did I, God help me, so did I, like doesn’t even begin to describe how I felt, but I’m not going to take advantage. Get your shoes on and go home.”
“No. Will you stop treating me like a child.”
“Valerie, I’m trying to fight with all that I am to do the right thing for you. Please don’t argue, just go.”
When I still hadn’t moved, he shouted in frustration.
“Get. Your. Fucking. Shoes. On.”
Lee opened the door to the RV, “Everything okay, boss?”
“Make sure she gets back to the house,” Flynn barked before he went into his bedroom and slammed the door shut.
“Coward,” I called after him.
“You heard the boss. Shoes, Valerie, or am I carrying you across to your house?”
I slipped my feet angrily into my shoes and stormed out of the RV and across to the kitchen door. When I turned to look the RV door was closed. I went inside and slammed the door; my heart was hurt and I hated my life. Nothing seemed as easy as it had before my brothers died. I undressed and climbed into bed. My heart felt like it was aching in my chest and I had no idea how I was supposed to continue, but I was drained and numb, so sleep came easier that night.
Chapter 17 ~ Disrespect
My first thought the following morning was that I couldn’t be hard on Flynn for thinking he had done the right thing. He’d been trying to respect my emotional state, and would probably think I’d have regretted anything we did because I was grief-stricken. I knew he’d think I hadn’t been thinking straight the day before, but he was wrong.
I knew exactly what I was doing in his RV. Flynn had told me to call him when I was ready, and I felt I was. Despite missing Ziggy, Flynn was stirring feelings in me. Maybe my feelings weren’t rational at all. My boyfriend hadn’t been dead a week, and I’d kissed another boy. What did that say about me? Maybe Flynn was right, and I didn’t know what I wanted.
I decided to act maturely about what happened and go to talk to him about it. That decision made, I showered and dressed, then looked out the window to check on his RV before going downstairs. It was gone. Panic tightened my chest. I hadn’t heard the engine start. My first thought was to wonder where has he gone, and my second was, when would he be back?
I raced downstairs and found my parents sitting at the kitchen table.
“Did Flynn say when he’d be back?” I asked, my voice sounding a little panicked.
“He’s gone, sweetheart. He said he had to get back to his work.”
Without shame, I threw myself self onto the sofa and began to cry. “He can’t have left without saying goodbye.” Could he?
Mom gave me a weak smile. “He said he’d rather we didn’t wake you when I offered.”
“He did what? Did he leave a number?” My mind was frantic that he’d just ducked out like that.
“There was no message for you, Valerie.”
“So he left deliberately without seeing me?”
“He felt it would be kinder if you didn’t have to deal with that.”
“I suppose Martin, Adam and Ziggy felt the same, right?”
Dad stood up and tried to put his arm around me. I shrugged him off and moved away from him.
“Don’t start trying to comfort me now, neither of you have been here for me in all of this. Flynn was the only one that showed any recognition that I’d lost my Martin and Adam, or even Ziggy.
“Seriously, this has to stop, Valerie. We’re all hurting. You don’t own the rights for being angry. You have to find something to help you contain these outbursts.”
“Fuck you. You left me here alone. You had each other; I had no one. Then, the one person that did get what I was feeling just screwed up by abandoning me again. I’ll be as angry as I have to be until I feel something normal in this whole fucked up life I’ve fallen into.”
I knew they thought Auntie Joan was enough and would have been supportive had Flynn not taken over. I was just being irrational.
Dad slapped my arm hard, “Don’t you dare swear in front of your mom and me again. I won’t have you disrespect us like that. Auntie Joan and Flynn made sure you were well taken care of for us.
“Fuck you and your disrespect. I’m so fucking angry at the world right now it’s about all I have to express myself with. I’m stifled and hurt, angry doesn’t even cut it. I’m beyond livid at what God has given us.”
Mom stared blankly in my direction. She hadn’t spoken since my outburst then she stood and hugged herself.
“Valerie Darsin, I did not bring you up to bad-mouth either of us in this way. I know you’re hurting, we all are. Flynn didn’t desert you, but he’s a busy man with a life of his own. It’s our job to take care of you, not his. The fact that he came here for you and all of us says a lot about that boy. You should be grateful,” my mom said to me, her voice shaking with anger of her own.
“Oh, so you remember what your job is now? Pity, I had to wait until you buried them for you to remember I was still here.”
Neither of my parents responded, and there was no point in arguing. They could spin Flynn’s leaving whichever way they wanted. Flynn and I were the only ones who’d ever know my true feelings about him and what had happened between us.
I realized I didn’t have any way of contacting him, “Can I have his number? I want to call him.”
Dad shook his head and glanced at my mom.
“Flynn thinks it would be best for you if you didn’t call him. I think he wants you to move forward now that we’ve laid your brothers to rest. You’re just a girl, Valerie, and he’s a famous young man who’s still establishing himself as a musician with his band.”
When my father told me that Flynn asked him not to share his phone number, it was like a knife in my gut. I wasn’t sure how much more I could take. Losing my brothers brought Flynn back to me but as soon as I’d thrown myself at him, he’d packed up and headed out. I felt ashamed, embarrassed and devastated that he’d flat out rejected me after I’d put myself on the line like that.
“A girl? After what we’ve been through? I’m sorry if I sound selfish but do you even realize what I’ve been through this past few months? Have you any idea? I was with Bradley for over a year, and he cheated on me and walked away because I was trying to do the right thing. Heidi, my best friend for nine years, betrayed me with him. Two major changes two layers of hurt, separation and loss in one hit. Uncle Terry dying was another one. Watching Auntie Joan grieving, another layer of hurt. The deaths of the boys… my brothers who had been in my life for relatively more of it than in yours. Think about it. How old are you? They were there for some of your life, but for the whole of mine. Ziggy was my boyfriend. I loved him too, and Flynn… I feel guilty about losing Ziggy, but I have feelings for Flynn. I don’t know what they are, but I felt safe when he was with me.”
Everyone sat silently, and I took that as they were absorbing my rant, so I continued to express my feelings. “I’m not an innocent girl anymore. I lost that the day the boys died. There’s no way I’m going back to school. What good did it do for those boys? Study hard; keep your head down. Martin could have lived a bigger life than the one he had if he’d ignored trying to do what everyone else told him. I’ll home school again— get my diploma but I am not sitting in a class full of people I don’t like for another year. I only have one year left a
fter the next semester anyway. I promise I’ll take it seriously, but I’m going to live life the way I want to now, instead of the way everyone else tells me I can.”
My father started protesting and shook his head saying I’d never be able to do photography how I wanted without a college degree.
“Pfft, this is the age of the internet, Dad. I’ll do online courses for photography and digital imagery, and I’ll learn more at my own pace. I’m sure I’ll find myself some freelance work, and I’ll fund myself with baby portraits and kindergarten shoots until I learn my craft.”
The uproar about my suggestion continued but the rebel in me was born. They were drained with grief and had misplaced guilt about letting the boys take the trip and what consequently happened to them. So, it was probably part due to their need to keep me close that they’d agreed I could stay home, provided I kept my grades up. I wondered if they thought I’d fail and see the error of my ways by the end of summer because the deal was that I had to prove to them that I could pay for and pass my classes by then. Otherwise, I had to go back to school.
It didn’t resolve any of the stuff with Flynn. I was as mad as hell about him that he’d swept in and out of my life again. I sat watching late night TV too angry to lie down and go to sleep. I reflected on how amazing Flynn had been when I needed him and then he’d let me down by running again. I was beyond wild that he kissed me and just left before he gave me the opportunity to discuss it with him.
A break in the program I’d been watching gave me the excuse to grab a bottle of water from the fridge. I found my dad’s phone lying on the countertop and in the blink of an eye I scrolled through and found Flynn’s cell phone number.
My hand shook as I copied his number from one phone to the other. I placed the cell back where I’d found it and went back through to the family room. I sat down and quickly fired off a text I knew would bring a reaction.
Me: Where did you run away to, you douchebag? Such a coward. I’ll find a real man to teach me about my body.
Less than three minutes later a text came back.
Flynn: How did U get this number?
Me: It wasn’t exactly rocket science.
Flynn: Forget about me, Val.
Me: You are a douchebag for running out.
Flynn: What happened… I can’t let that happen again I’m no good for you.
Me: Y don’t you let me be the judge of that?
Flynn: U think U R hurting now? I’d let you down and destroy U.
Me: You already did.
Flynn: Find a nice guy. You deserve the best.
Me: Fuck you, Flynn Docherty. I’m not stupid I know when I’m being brushed aside.
Flynn: U R sixteen and we just don’t fit, Val. The way I live is no way for someone like you. U’d get hurt.
Me: I already hurt. I wish I’d never met you.
If he responded I never saw it. I spun around and in my temper I threw my cell at the window. It bounced off the wooden plantation shutters and smashed on the floor. “Asshole,” I screamed. Kayden came downstairs and sat beside me. It was the most animated I’d seen him since the accident. He wrapped his arms around me and restrained me before I’d had the chance to do anything else.
“Don’t tell me, let me guess. Flynn, right?”
Reluctantly, I nodded, my emotions bringing tears to my eyes. Kayden closed his eyes briefly as if seeing me hurt was too much for him.
“I’m glad he’s gone. Martin was right. The guy had eyes for you.”
“Eyes for you? What the fuck does that even mean Kayden.”
“You know, the way a guy looks at a girl when he wants to get into her panties.”
“You mean he was eye fucking me? I’ve heard you say that plenty of times. Why can’t any of you just speak normally around me? I’m sixteen, Kayd, not twelve.”
“You’re my sister, Val, it’s different.
“So it’s okay to talk about boning someone else’s sister and shit like that, but not say it about your own?”
“Don’t talk like that. You’re better than that.”
I knew my behavior was vile towards Kayden, but all I wanted was to be treated like an adult. The innocent version of me left the day my brothers died. Ziggy, I couldn’t even think about; I loved and missed him, but I’d lived my whole life with my brothers, and they dominated my thoughts. Maybe that’s why I kissed Flynn; to leave Ziggy’s memories behind me. If that sounded harsh, my life had been tipped upside down, and that turned me inside out. None of my thoughts were coherent at that point.
OoOoO
Spring break ended the following week, and I didn’t return to school. After another five weeks of home study and my mid-term grades hadn’t suffered, my knowledge of digital imagery and photography had grown substantially with the extra study I’d added to my current coursework.
Kayden and I took car rides in the countryside where I worked on snapping photos to build different portfolios like nature and landscapes, famous sights and inanimate objects. The photos were a collection for my end of year assignment. When my dad saw them, he had to admit that I was growing into a talented and professional photographer. I’d passed four exams and my online tutor, Edgar, said I had a natural eye for framing the perfect picture.
My artistic nature helped me to cope with the loss of my brothers. We’d had various hurdles to conquer during our period of adjustment. Adam’s birthday was three weeks after he died, and Kayden’s was right before my finals. Adam’s friends turned up at the house, and there were almost fifty of us who had an impromptu barbecue in the backyard. We lit lanterns and hung them all over the trees and sat out under the stars all night with a small fire pit. It was a vigil and felt just right for what would have been his eighteenth birthday.
I’m not sure why but I’d somehow expected Flynn to call that day, and when that hadn’t happened, I think that was the point I shut him out. I had to move forward and try to forget about him.
Sean and Daryl Langley, two of Martin’s friends, turned up at the house. Sean had always been a really sweet guy and came over often to hang out with Martin. We got to talking, and I found I had more in common with Daryl. He’d just finished a graphics and digital images course at college and did some work for an agency that bought photographs then licensed them. He explained that they sold pictures to the public under license, then the person purchasing had the right to use the pictures. The company got paid commission by the owner of the picture. It seemed easy.
By the following weekend, he’d come to our house several times and sat at our dining room table helping me upload photos I’d chosen to their online stock albums. That afternoon, Kayden wandered in through the dining room, then the glass doors to the family room. Flopping down on the oversized sofa he turned on the TV and switched on MTV. Flynn’s band was on the screen, and my world crashed to a halt. I hadn’t seen much about him since the day he’d left.
I’d avoided the radio most of the time because Major ScAlz’ music seemed to be constantly seeping into my veins via the airwaves. I hadn’t watched TV because I’d been so wrapped up in my homework and online studies; there just hadn’t been the time. When I heard his low, rich, distinctive timbre as he sang, my heart almost stopped. I instantly turned to look at the screen and stood slowly, completely enthralled by the sight of him. My eyes were still glued to the television long after their spot had finished.
“Want to talk about it?”
Daryl’s head nodded toward the screen alluding to my connection to Flynn. Everyone had seen him when he’d accompanied me on the day of the funeral. Most knew about the time he’d sat and cuddled with me on the bleachers. And now, Flynn was big news. Even more so in our little town.
“There’s nothing to talk about, Daryl. It was all bullshit. Flynn never had a thing for me, and we never dated,” I commented, and Kayden turned his head and smirked. Daryl hadn’t seen him.
“Well, that’s a relief. I mean how does a guy compete with that?”
I
smirked at Daryl. “You want to compete? Or do you mean in general.”
“Listen I know it’s not really the time, I mean Ziggy…”
“Ziggy’s dead. I’m sixteen. I’m not over him, but I have to move past that. It’s either that or I stay pining for someone who’ll never come back into my life again. No matter how much I could wish for that,” I said, sounding both harsh and sad.
“And Flynn? You pining for him?”
“No, he’s an asshole. A self-centered asshole.”
“A rich, hot and talented celebrity asshole.” Daryl corrected.
“Whatever.”
“So does that mean you’d consider going on a date with me?”
Daryl was the same age as Flynn. He was in Martin’s class at school, yet had no hang-ups about asking me out. He was a good-looking guy with brown hair and had this hot, brooding look about him. He was built more like a hot ranchman than a computer geek, had a bright future, and I liked how easy things were between us.
“Well, I think it’s only fair that I tell you my heart is still healing, and Ziggy will always be in my affections but I’d love to go to a movie or something with you.” Daryl smiled, nodded his understanding and looked pleased with my response.
I knew I had to try to put all the hurt behind me and not let it consume me. Being strong and determined was the best strategy I had to cope with all I had faced. I’d felt that if I gave it my best shot, I’d be bound to find harmony at some point. With all that in mind, I’d agreed to a date with Daryl. My stomach had tightened considerably when I saw Flynn on TV, but he’d already made it clear we were never going to get off the ground. I knew I had to try to put all the hurt behind me and not let it consume me.
OoOoO
Nine weeks after Flynn left and ten since Ziggy died, I went out on a casual date with one of Martin’s friends. I’d known Daryl since I was five. He moved to our town with his brother and parents when his dad became manager of our local bank. Laid back and reserved, Daryl had his share of interest from girls in high school. In reality, he didn’t seem the type who wanted anything serious, so it suited me that we’d hang out together. Although I’d seen him around Martin he wasn’t a regular at our house; it was more Sean, his brother I knew through his friendship with Adam.
