Then, just when I thought nothing else could bring me down, I got news that would utterly take my breath away. It was an early morning that my father caught me in the kitchen. Buffy wasn’t anywhere in the room, and just as I turned to head out to get away from him, I noticed him covering his face with his hands. “Hope, we need to talk.”
My heart began to race as I faced him, seeing the hurt in his eyes. Right away I panicked, assuming he knew about my relationship with Chance. Perhaps he was coming clean that he’d known all along and sent him away for that very reason. Nothing could have prepared me for what came out of his mouth. I sat down in front of him, waiting for the blow that could end everything.
“I’m listening.”
“Honey, I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but your mom is in the hospital.”
“Did she get into an accident? Oh my God is she going to be okay?” Right away I was worried.
He looked down as he responded. “The thing is, she’s been sick for a long time now.”
“Sick? Does she have pneumonia or something?” I was confused. I’d talked to my mother and she hadn’t mentioned a cold. In fact, she seemed happy with her new boyfriend, and her little apartment.
“Look, your mom didn’t want to worry you. She thought she could beat this without you having to find out.”
“Find out what?” There was no point of him beating around the bush. I needed answers. “Dad, please tell me.”
“She’s got Myocarditis.”
Before he could explain more I blurted out, “What’s that?”
He motioned for me to give him a moment. “It’s a heart condition. She’s had it for years, always knowing this day might come.”
He was scaring me. “What are you saying? Is she going to die?” Saying those words made me immediately begin to tremble. My teeth shattered as tears dripped down my cheeks. “Just tell me the truth.”
“She’s being treated for it. It can be very serious.”
“So she could die?”
“Hope, we can’t even think like that right now.” It actually shocked me that he seemed to care.
I shook my head. People said that when things were bad. “No, this can’t be. I’ve lived with her my whole life. She’s taken care of me, and worked a normal job. The only time I’ve ever seen her cry was when you left. She can’t have what you’re saying. You have to be wrong.”
“I wish I was. Listen, I know you’re upset, but this is the real reason you moved in with me. She knew her health was failing. That apartment she moved into is closer to her doctor. She’s been aware all along that there would come a time when she’d need more progressive treatments.”
I was in denial. There was no way my mother would have lied about something so serious. She’d always taught me to be honest. “Where is she? I need to see her, so she can tell me this is all a mistake. You’re just trying to hurt me.” I stood up and ran out of the house, desperate to find my mother, and put my fears to ease. I didn’t even make it to my car before hunching over with disbelief. I couldn’t fathom that this was actually happening. More importantly, how could she have hid something this severe?
My father came rushing out of the house toward me. He lifted me up and held me in his arms. Though still angry with everything we were going through personally, I clung to him for comfort. He kissed the top of my head as I lost all control of myself. To be honest, I don’t even know how long we stood there in the middle of the driveway. Once I’d finally settled down enough, my father pulled away. “Hope, your mother asked me to bring you to the hospital to see her. She wants to talk to you about what’s going on. It’s going to be okay.”
As much as I wanted to see her, I didn’t know how to look at her lying in that hospital bed. My mother had always been my rock. She’d protected me, seeming like the strongest person on the planet. Now, all of a sudden, I was being told she was weak. Her fragile state left her vulnerable. It almost felt like she was a stranger to me.
As reluctant as I was, I loved my mother, and knew she needed me. After all, she’d given me the best life she could. She taught me how to be the woman I’d become. I owed her everything. Convinced that I was going to be strong, I agreed to allow my father to take me to the hospital.
During the ride I didn’t hold back from breaking down. More than anything I wanted to call Chance, because I knew he’d somehow be able to soothe me. Instead I was sitting next to my father, who’d time and time again let me down.
Once inside of the hospital it became obvious early on that my father had visited before. He knew where to lead me, and once we reached her room, he motioned for me to enter alone. I looked back at him before making my way inside.
No words could begin to describe how I felt when I saw my mother in that bed. Hooked up to monitors, she turned to see me approaching. I watched her reaching a hand out for me to grab. Once I’d taken it, she smiled while displaying weak eyes. “Hi, mom.”
“Hi,” she said in a whisper.
It was impossible to try to remain calm. There was no way that I could see her in this kind of condition and not feel overwhelmed. This woman meant everything to me. “I’m sorry.”
“Please don’t cry.”
I wiped my face off and faked a smile. “Sorry. This is a lot to take in.”
“I’m glad you’re here.” I could tell she was struggling to communicate. “It’s going to be okay.”
“I don’t understand.”
“It’s never been this bad before. The medicine makes me loopy. We thought it was time you knew the truth, just in case.”
“Are you going to die?” I had to know the truth. I was still in denial that this was really happening. This woman, so fragile, wasn’t the person who’d raised me. This wasn’t the same woman that cursed under her breath at my father. I barely recognized her, which was odd because we’d been together recently.
She attempted to squeeze my hand, but failed. “I’m trying not to.”
I turned when I heard someone coming in the room. A nurse, wearing cat scrubs came inside and began checking vitals. She smiled when our eyes met. “I’ll just be quick.”
“I need to know more. Is there a doctor I can talk to?” It was too hard for my mother to speak in full sentences. I needed someone to give it to me straight.
“Let me page the doctor for you.” She jotted down the information and headed back outside.
While I waited, I smoothed out my mother’s hair, helped her sip on some ice water, and sat on the edge of the bed to be closer to her. Finally an older man entered. He held out his hand. “My name is Dr. Hodgins. I’m your mother’s physician.”
“I need to know what’s going on. Please, can you tell me what’s happening to my mom?”
He nodded. “Sure. Your mom suffers from something called Myocarditis. It’s a condition with the heart where an infection causes inflammation.”
“Is she going to die?” Maybe he would give me a straight answer.
“I’m treating your mom with systemic corticosteroids. Even though this bout is the worst she’s suffered, I’m optimistic she’ll be back to herself in a week or so. Of course, because we’re dealing with the heart, we need to keep her in the hospital until she improves.”
“And then what? Won’t it come back again?”
“Your mother can live a normal life as long as we remain one step ahead of this. Because her heart doesn’t work normally, she’s required to stay on medication, which also prevents these flare ups. In rare cases a transplant is an option, though we’re not near that degree as of yet.”
I was trying to process everything he said, yet the transplant scared the shit out of me. The idea of my mom being on some waiting list to receive a heart, that she’d probably never get, was horrifying.
I sank down in the chair next to the bed, covering my face to hide my tears. This was not how I saw my day going, and the image of my mother next to me in this bed was something I couldn’t soon forget. I hated how weak sh
e looked, and that there was nothing I could do for her.
My father came into the room after speaking to the exiting doctor. He had a soda in his hand and offered it to me. “Here. Drink some ginger ale.”
By this point my mom had fallen asleep. She finally looked peaceful, which made it easier to look in that direction. “I don’t want to leave her.”
“They won’t allow you to stay the night, Hope.”
“I’m staying here, dad. I don’t care about the rules. I’ll hide in the closet if I have to.”
My father wasn’t amused by my announcement. “Don’t be ridiculous. We’re going home. You can come back tomorrow. By then she’ll have improved. The doctor said she’s doing great.”
I kept staring at my sleeping mother as I spoke. “Can I get what she has?”
He reached over and touched my shoulder, causing me to look up at his standing body. “No. It’s not genetic, Hope. Most of the time it’s contracted virally.”
“I can’t lose her, dad.” There was this constant burning in my throat as I swallowed back my tears. “I’ll never be able to live with myself if something happens to her and I wasn’t here. Please, let me stay. If I get in trouble I’ll call you. After everything you’ve put me through, I think you could at least have some compassion.”
“Hope, about that,” he started.
“Save it, dad. I’ve got enough on my plate, don’t you think?”
I don’t know if it was the way I peered into his soul, or the fact he knew I wasn’t going to budge from my seat. My father sighed and leaned over to kiss me on the head, before heading out.
I honestly don’t know how long I sat there after that listening to monitors. When my mother didn’t wake up again, I must have fallen asleep. Before I knew what was happening, a nurse came in with a pillow and blanket. At first I was startled until she began to cover me up. I looked right at her, shocked that she was allowing me to stay. With only a smile on her face, she checked my mother’s vitals and exited the room, closing the door all the way behind her.
Settled that they were allowing me to stay, I stood up and sauntered over to the edge of the bed. My sleeping mother still looked so comfortable, and I didn’t want to wake her, so I spoke in a whisper. “I still can’t believe you were sick. Why didn’t you tell me, mom? I spent the last year so caught up in school that I didn’t even notice something could be wrong with your health. I feel like it’s my fault that you’re in here. You’ve been under so much stress, with the sale of the house, and everything else.” I reached my hand up to touch her cheek. “Please don’t die on me. You’ve got to recover so I can tell you about the man I’m in love with. Dad wouldn’t understand. He sent him away, and now I feel so lost. The two people I care about the most are hurting, and I don’t know what I can do to make it better. I feel so worthless.” When I began to cry again, I knew it was time to back away from the bed before I woke her. She didn’t need the extra stress of worrying about me. For now I was content with her waking up and seeing me beside her.
34
Watching my mother recover was sometimes agonizing. It took me a whole day to conjure up the courage to talk about it with Chance. By then he’d called me numerous times without getting an answer. I was too distraught to turn my phone on and begin to comprehend how to explain everything that was happening.
I wasn’t just broken from his absence, but also torn to pieces as I watched my mother fighting to heal. I think once I’d told him everything it calmed his nerves. He seemed genuinely worried about my well-being. I assured him that I would get through it, but knew it caused another strain on our already struggling relationship with him being so far away.
I think that I’d originally given his leaving so much attention that when I made my mom first priority it seemed as if I was pushing him away. It wasn’t on purpose, but it didn’t make it easier for Chance, who was seemingly all alone.
My mother was able to return home after eight days in the hospital. Her boyfriend drove us over to her apartment, and helped me get her comfortable. She still wasn’t cleared to work, but at least could be home. I slept on her couch for an entire week, preparing her food, and helping her get cleaned up. She assured me that she was well enough to do it herself, but my fear of losing her had kicked in, not allowing me to let her out of my sight.
I think by the thirteenth day she was sick of me. She sat me down and begged me to go home. Perhaps she wanted alone time with her new boyfriend, or maybe I was a little annoying. At any rate, I reluctantly left.
I think it took me a while to understand that she was better. The flare up had gone away, and she got back to her normal lifestyle, with the help of medication as a preventative. Without having to focus on her twenty-four-seven, I was faced with the agony of the fact that I’d ignored my boyfriend. We’d still talked, but it certainly wasn’t as much. Two times a day had turned to one short goodnight call. Chance seemed distant, and I wondered if our time apart was changing how he felt about me. He was an attractive man. For sure he could go out and find someone that would give him attention.
Day after day I dwelled on what he could be doing behind my back. Sure, each night he’d say those three words before hanging up, but the connection felt broken. I think the more time that passed made it even harder for me. I played out scenarios in my head of driving down to South Carolina to catch him cheating. Finally, I couldn’t take it any longer. I went to Buffy for answers.
“Can we talk?” I asked as I sat down on the couch next to her.
“Sure, what’s up?” She didn’t take her eyes away from the television.
“Do you think Chance has another girlfriend?”
She seemed shocked as she turned to face me. “Why would you think that?”
“I don’t know.” I shrugged. “I guess he seems distant.”
“Hope, he’s two states away. From what he tells me, he’s super homesick. Had it not been for your mom getting sick I’m sure he would have asked me to sneak you down to see him. As far as finding someone else, my brother can be difficult, but he’s honest. If there was someone else, he’d tell you.”
I appreciated that she was giving it to me straight, but it still didn’t settle my roaming mind. The only way I was going to be at peace was if I confronted the actual source.
I waited until he called that night to address my concerns.
“Hey, baby. How’s it going?”
“It’s good. I miss you, Chance.”
“That’s good to hear. I miss you too.” I could hear giggling in the background. My stomach literally dropped.
“Is someone there with you?” I’d considered how I was going to ask him if he was cheating on me, but this changed everything.
“What? No. It’s just me. I’m in my room.” More giggling, and it was definitely a female.
“Chance, you can tell me the truth. I’m a big girl. I can handle it. What I can’t handle is a liar.”
“Hope, it’s not what you think.”
That’s all I need to hear to end the call. That was a classic line to try to get out of trouble. I wasn’t having it. Chance had someone else in his room while he was calling me. I hung up the phone, and ignored the slew of callbacks from his number. When I refused his calls, he rang his sister’s phone. She walked in my room, sat her phone down on my dresser and headed back out. I could hear him yelling my name, but put my ear buds in to ignore him. I’d been cheated on before, but somehow this was way worse. Maybe it was because I was absolutely in love with this man. It wasn’t a puppy love either. It was deep, and he obviously didn’t feel the same. All I could think is that it was all my fault. Had I not ignored him to take care of my mother maybe I could have held onto him while he was away.
I cried myself to sleep with visions of him sleeping with other women. The more I pictured them, the worse they were. I felt sick to my stomach imagining someone else touching him the way I had. I wondered if he kissed them with passion, and if they offered something extra that I d
idn’t know how to do. I became upset with myself, so much that I knew I wasn’t going to sleep until we had it out. If he thought he could screw whoever he wanted, he needed to hear how hurt I was.
It was four in the morning when I picked up my phone and dialed his number. After three rings he answered with a groggy voice. “Hope?”
“How could you?”
I could hear him adjusting. “You’re freaking out about nothing.”
“Nothing? Do you have a zip code rule or something?”
“What the fuck are you talking about? It’s four in the morning, and after spending hours trying to get you on the phone, I’m exhausted. Whatever you think I did, you’re way off base.”
“I heard female voices. I heard her laughing when I asked you questions.”
This made Chance laugh, which pissed me off. “Baby, you’re being irrational.”
“Are you laughing at me?”
“It’s shocking how jealous you are, that’s all. I think it’s time I come home for a visit to reassure you that you’re my girl.”
I hated that he was being almost comical about it. “Don’t bother. When you come home I won’t be here. I can’t stand cheaters.”
“You think I’m cheating on you? I should be the one who’s mad here. Obviously my girlfriend has no faith in what we share together.”
“I heard the voices. Stop lying to me. Please, Chance, be decent and tell me the truth.”
He sighed loudly against the receiver. “Fine, you want the truth?”
“Yes, that’s why I called. I want you to have the balls to break my heart, asshole.”
He laughed again. “This is bullshit.”
“It is,” I agreed.
“Get your computer, Hope.”
“What? Screw you. Just tell me the truth.”
“I’m trying to. Get your damn computer so I can get this over with and go to bed.”
A Hope and a Chance Page 22
