The next thing I remember was a tingling pain in my arm and a warm drowsy sensation filling my head. The blackness crumbled away. Thoughts formed like fuzzy clouds across my mind as an orange glow appeared through my closed eyelids. There was a sound like muffled voices. I tried to make it out, and the orange glow became brighter and brighter.
A rushing sensation washed over me and I began to feel very light. The sensation intensified and I felt as if I was floating upwards. I needed to see where I was and, with a massive effort, forced my eyes open. At first, I couldn't make sense of the bizarre scene beneath me.
I was hovering above a massive theatre light, looking down on three surgeons crowded around the top end of a body on an operating table. I watched them with a sort of detached curiosity. A tube had been inserted up the nostril of the body on the table. They seemed to be referring to some kind of camera screen on a side table. I saw the glint of metal wire and heard the sound of suction before a terrible realization hit me. It was me down there. It was my face they were operating on.
Shock tightened its grip on me like an icy claw at my throat. A knot of anxiety twisted inside me and a horrible sense of dread pervaded every part of my being. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. I was young, I had always been healthy in the past, and I hadn't done anything to deserve it. Or had I? My thoughts were interrupted as one of the surgeons spoke.
"We've reached the cyst, just at the bridge of the pituitary. It's small, note the lack of blood vessels supplying it. Looking good for transethmoidal hypophysectomy. Nurse can you pass the protractible scalpel please, yes, and I'll need a little more suction here."
A cyst. The word jangled round in my mind. “It's not a cyst, it's my third eye!” I tried to scream, at the surgeon, but no words came out.
I stared in sick fascination at my limp body below, trying to puzzle out how this had all happened to me. I couldn't help wondering if it was karma. After all, I'd misused my apparent gift hadn't I? It was only fair that I had my third eye extracted.
Madame Pungenti would be gloating if she could see me now. I could just imagine her smug expression as she rocked backward and forward on her footstool, saying, “Karma has taken matters into its own hand."
As I pictured Madame Pungenti and her gaudy red tent on the windswept pier, there was a gentle pull, as if I was being drawn upwards. The nurse below pointed to a machine with tubes in and gestured to one of the surgeons before I felt another tug. I was now floating away through the ceiling. My vision blurred and everything went soft and white. I blinked and there was a swooping sensation and I rushed forward. I was flying at incredible speeds over land, pulled by some invisible force to who knew where. I looked down, but I was moving too fast to enjoy the scenery. The blur of colors made me dizzy so I closed my eyes until the rushing sensation eased.
I became aware of the sound of crashing waves and blinked my eyes open. I stared down onto Blackpool Pier. Below in the distance was the apex of the red and gold tent. I plunged downwards, past a seagull perched on the roof fabric until I was inside the tent. It took a moment for my eyes to adjust to the dimness before I recognized Madame Pungenti below. She was sat in her usual position, but today she was wearing a silken blue sari and had a sort of sheer blue veil over her black wig. The veil had little bells which tinkled as she leaned forward to place her plastic mug of tea on the table. She gave a loud belch and reached into her sari, pulling out a mobile phone. I wondered whether I was dreaming.
"Yes, I am needing to order two dozen more Karmic Eggs, pleasing you. No, that is no good price, I am charity worker you see. Yes, selling them for no profit—it is service for my valued clients. Ten pounds the lot is my best. Very well. Tomorrow is being fine for delivery. Thanking you."
I shook my head as she rang off. The memory of my last visit to Madame Pungenti swirled before me in a new light. I'd just been another victim to her. Another sucker willing to pay a fortune for crappy advice and a fake egg. All that nonsense about karma had all been a farce, Monique had been wrong. Madame Pungenti had no idea what she was talking about.
I watched in contempt as she pulled out a shoebox from under the table. She opened it and began counting the wads of cash wrapped in rubber bands. Her dark painted lips curved and she looked upwards to the apex of the tent. I was sure she would see me, but she looked straight through me. As I saw the sly smile and glint of cunning in her dark eyes, I felt a shiver of abhorrence for what she was, what I could have become. I too had conned people. Like her, I'd preyed on clients and pretended I had a gift, used others—for what? For money, money and self-esteem. But there was one difference, and it was that difference that could save me. I had grown to care about my clients, she didn't. Without caring or empathy, there was no doubt I could have been just like her.
Almost as soon as I had formed that frightening thought, a gentle tug pulled me away. There was nothing I could do to stop myself as the inside of Madame Pungenti's tent dissolved around me. I floated upwards through the roof, and lurched forward at a dizzying pace. When I slowed down and finally opened my eyes, the choppy grey swell and Blackpool pier had vanished. Instead I was skimming high above a turquoise ocean, heading towards a high rocky cliff top with a tiny structure perched on the edge. I floated down lower, the small structure became a flower covered gazebo with four figures underneath. Floating a little closer, I gasped with a pang of recognition. In front of three figures was a man in white and purple robes. There was no mistaking it, I was witnessing my best mate's wedding. But how could that be? They had only flown off this morning. Or was it this morning? Perhaps I'd been in hospital overnight. But time no longer mattered as I was engulfed by a surge of affection for my best friend.
Tanya was radiant in a gorgeous sequined white sarong that swirled around her luscious curves like a wedding dress. She had silver shells weaved into her plaited hair and was wearing leopard print thongs to match the trim on her bikini. I tutted to myself as Titus move closer to kiss Tanya. What was he thinking of wearing Bermuda shorts with long socks and blue garters? Monique stood behind them, wearing an elegant pale yellow linen suit, dabbing at her eyes with an embroidered hanky.
They don't even know I'm in hospital. I'm in hospital and yet I'm here. I'm here at their wedding. I tried to open my mouth to say “I'm here!” but no sound came out.
As I watched the two lovers kiss, I remembered all that time ago when I'd told Tanya she couldn't possibly marry the man she'd met on the dance floor. My words came back and jarred in my mind, “The day you marry a bloke named ‘Tight-arse’ will be the day I die!"
Before I had a chance to think about what that meant, a huge jolt pulled me backwards. I was speeding away so fast the figures under the gazebo melted away in a blur of color. I closed my eyes against the pressure.
I stopped again and blinked my eyes open. I was hovering by the ceiling of the waiting room back in the hospital. My Dad and Harvey sat together on a plastic beige couch. Dad was reading a paper, but Harvey was just staring at the black clock on the wall without blinking, watching the red seconds hand tick past 11 o'clock.
What was Harvey doing here—and Dad? Then I remembered I was in the operating theatre. Someone must have told them. I looked for Mum, but there was no sign of her. It didn't matter. I gazed down at Harvey's mop of black hair and Dad's thinning, wiry thatch. My throat tightened. I had all the people I needed right here. Dad put the newspaper down and nudged Harvey, who flinched. I strained to hear their conversation.
"She's a diamond, is my Amber. You want to hold on to that one."
I smiled.
"I intend to, Mr. Thompson. I'm very much in love with your daughter."
My spirits soared.
"Well, love conquers all, and you know what they say?” Dad paused as Harvey's eyebrow raised quizzically.
"No?"
"A hand in the bush is worth two birds."
I cringed and Harvey coughed quietly.
"Certainly is, Mr. Thompson. I couldn't agr
ee more.” Harvey's knee was tapping and he looked up at the black plastic clock again.
This is like the time at the Body Language Lecture, I realized. I had to get back in my body, and quickly. I screwed up my eyes and tried to remember what I had done before. I visualized the feel of my skin, the weight of my arms and legs. I felt movement but when I opened my eyes I was in blackness. I was being propelled forward to a tiny pinpoint of bright light.
I began to resist moving towards the light, but an incredible calm, soothing feeling washed over me. All that mattered was reaching that shining light at the end of the tunnel. Now that I was closer, I could see that it wasn't just white light, there was color too, something sparkling in the brilliance. I drew nearer still; the circle of light expanded and bathed me in warmth. The most amazing euphoria swept over me. I was so close. I could almost touch it now. Some kind of movement flickered in the light. Shimmering figures, turning towards me. I yearned to go closer, but just as I reached out my hand, another huge jolt made me gasp. I was catapulted back along the dark tunnel, the circle of light spiraling away from me. I closed my eyes and lost consciousness.
The next thing I knew, I was blinking up at the tiled ceiling in the recovery room, my index finger clipped to a pulse monitor, which beeped to the beat of my heart. I tried to lift my head, but it felt like a lump of lead, and a nurse was suddenly there telling me to lie back and relax, everything was going to be fine.
"Thought we'd lost you for a tic, but you're back in the land of the living now."
"Am I ... alright?” I tried to focus on her as she bustled around my body checking one of my drips and adjusting the blood pressure band on my arm.
"Yes, love, you're doing perfectly. You've just had an operation. You're bound to feel woozy."
"A cyst?” I croaked, speaking was such an effort. My lips felt like cracked tires.
The nurse put a cool hand on my forehead and smiled. “The little lump came off very cleanly, seemed to be only attached by a thread. Now just try lie back and try to rest. No, no more questions until the doctor comes to see you later. Just try and relax, love, you've been through a lot."
"More than you know,” I murmured as I allowed my heavy eyelids to close.
As my sluggish thoughts grappled with what had happened to me I realized that whilst my “third eye” was removed, it had given me one last insight as a final gift: a near death experience.
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Chapter Thirty-Four
Reincarnations
For the first day or two, I have to admit I was spaced out. The smell of the hospital food turned my stomach and, if it hadn't been for Harvey and his warm reassurance and steady presence, I don't know what I'd have done. He even listened to me rambling on about the out of body experience without raising an eyebrow, commenting that the brain had a mind of its own when faced with trauma. Unfortunately, Harvey was not the only one that had rallied round to support me.
"This is absolutely disgusting.” Mum picked up the small jar from my hospital tray between her finger and thumb. She examined it at arm's length, clutching a hand to her throat.
"I can't believe they gave you the cyst to keep. Urgh. I shan't have it.” She put it into the bed table drawer with a shudder.
"They thought it would help me accept what had happened Mum, I was out of it when they gave me the MRI and rushed me to theatre remember? Don't take it personally. Besides, it's a souvenir."
"Don't be ridiculous.” She gave an exasperated sigh. “Of course you know what caused this ... this cyst, don't you?"
I raised a hand in protest then sank back down in the pillow, knowing it was useless.
"It's clearly your diet. I warned you about eating too much chocolate. You always were an absolute devil when it came to Easter eggs, gobbled them down like a turkey, didn't she, Eric? Anyway at least you're looking better since they took that packing out of your nostril. Thank goodness they did keyhole surgery through there. You wouldn't have had that man of yours around if they'd shaved your whole head now would you?"
"Well, I dunno, lovey, I know a lot of people that like Kojack,” Dad piped up and I groaned.
The best way to handle it, I soon discovered, was to make out that I was still feeling very weak and unwell. That way, when Mum started, I could just feign tiredness and they'd leave. Thank god they were driving back today. The doctor had granted my request too.
It was surreal to have Mum bustling around my private room, arranging flowers, and tucking in my covers whenever they creased. I'd expected Dad, but not her, especially since I'd not seen her during my out of body experience. Mind you, she spent most of the time in the foyer phoning Sophie, so perhaps she'd just been on the phone when I happened to float by. I was strangely touched and yet totally frustrated by her presence. I half wished they hadn't come at all.
Each day was a carousel of frustration, exhaustion, and elation as Mum, Dad, and Harvey visited me in turns. All the while, the doctors kept me under observation. In the first couple of days they took blood tests and kept checking my blood pressure and temperature. They even wheeled me into the MRI for another scan on day three. After that it was just regular temperature and blood pressure twice a day. Finally the doctor looked pleased with the ticks on the chart hanging over the edge of my bed.
By day five, I knew I had spent too much time with Dad when his jumbled clichés started sounding normal.
"Just bumped into your Doctor—sounds like you'll soon be in the tickled pink, love.” Dad set down the cup of tea he had gone to get me.
Mum leaned across me and switched off her hair tongs. She stood back critically to admire her work. “Well, I don't think I've done a bad job actually. Especially considering how wiry your hair is. Such a shame you didn't inherit my hair like Sophie did."
Harvey tapped at the door and I wriggled up in the bed, feeling immediately revived.
"Well, here's the man himself.” Dad stood up and shook Harvey's hand.
Mum became all smiles and sweetness as she saw Harvey in his suit. “Hello, Harvey, dear, do come in. I say, aren't those carnations beautiful? What a pretty pink. Gosh Amber's a lucky girl to have you. I must say, I'm furious with her for keeping you in the closet for so long, though. Sometimes I think I'd get more information about her at the supermarket than I do from the conversations we have..."
"Sometimes it's better to stay in the closet eh?” Dad murmured and gave me a peck on the cheek. “Come on, love,” he called to Mum, “let's leave these two love nests to it. We promised to call Sophie now didn't we? And we ought to grab lunch before we drive back."
At that moment, I loved Dad more than anything in the world.
"Good lord above, you're right, Eric, we must fly. And, as for you, young lady, no more choccies, and make sure you ring later; Sophie will want to speak to you again.” Mum blew me a kiss and leaned towards Harvey's ear on her way to the door.
"Sophie's devastated about her sister, poor girl,” she whispered, loudly enough for me to hear. “She's terribly delicate and sensitive, you know, been very affected by this whole ... upset."
Harvey nodded sympathetically murmured a few niceties as the door closed behind them. He leaned his back against the door, grinning broadly at me.
"Mummy and Daddy Oddball seem in good form today, but what about you? Is little oddball feeling perkier?"
"I'm always perky when you're around, and the Doctors reckon I'm ready to rock and roll too.” I beamed back at him and threw the covers off, striping off my dressing gown to reveal I was fully dressed underneath. “Now, let's get the hell out of here."
[Back to Table of Contents]
Chapter Thirty-Five
Homeopathic
One week after the operation, I was back at home, well my new home, that is. Harvey had insisted on moving all my stuff, even poor old Pudding, while I was in hospital. I was feeling and looking pretty much like normal again. At first I couldn't help checking for signs of chin hairs in the mirror.
Each day, I went through the same routine, turning my face from side to side to see if my nose had grown and then examining my chin. Each day, I found nothing. Thank God!
My voice lost its husky tone and, whilst my feet, hands, and nose remained the same, my skin regained its healthy glow. The second scan and blood tests revealed my hormone levels had dropped and my pituitary gland was functioning adequately. I would need another scan in three months time but that was just a check up. The doctors were quietly confident that no further treatment would be needed. I was lucky.
In the first week at home, I still had the occasional day when I felt exhausted, especially after Tanya and Monique had been to visit. That had been a strange day. I'd felt such a strong sense of deja vu when they described the wedding. The photos looked so familiar, but when I told them that I'd seen it all when I was in theatre as part of my out of body experience, Tanya just cracked up.
"Gawd, girl, you need to get your head seen to—oh yeah,” she nudged me and tossed a grape for me to catch before eating one herself, “you already did."
"Thank god it turned out to be something benign though, darling.” Monique perched on Harvey's leather chair.
"Yeah, I totally freaked when I found out you were in Hospital, girl.” Tanya draped her arm round me.
"It was so weird, I knew I was in hospital, but I was also at your wedding.” I tried to explain.
"You probably dreamt it, darling.” Monique bright eyes assessed the various antiques in Harvey's flat. “Once I was given gas at the dentist and had the most peculiar dreams.” She lowered her voice. “I dreamt the rather dishy dentist there was fondling my breasts while I was asleep."
Tanya and I exchanged a glance.
"Perhaps that wasn't a dream, Monique.” I propped myself up on the couch and turned back the tapestry throw Harvey had bought specially for me.
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