by Melissa Hill
Maybe she should just let Olivia and Matt get on with it and she should get on with her own life. She’d get over Matt, eventually – she had no other choice. And Conor wasn’t the worst either, was he? What had started out as a little fling had gradually become something more, and only recently, Conor had said something about taking their relationship ‘to the next level’, whatever that meant. He was crazy about her, and although she had convinced herself she was only using him to get to Matt, deep down she did enjoy his company. And in all honesty, he was a pretty decent prospect for a girl like her; he had more than a few quid in the bank, and a very nice house on the Dublin Road. So, Catherine decided, catching sight of a car rounding the corner at the entrance to the green, maybe she should just forget about Matt once and for all, and concentrate her energies on nabbing Conor before he went in search of someone else.
The car stopped outside Olivia’s house and a tall, dark and – from what she could make out – attractive man, got out. He paused outside the house for a moment, as if unsure whether or not he had the right address.
But no, Catherine decided, shifting her position to get a better view, it wasn’t that, it was more like he was hesitating, pausing for breath. Then, feeling more than a little silly, she shook her head. Her imagination really did run away with her sometimes. The poor guy was probably nothing other than a salesman.
But by the look of utter horror on Olivia’s face when she opened the door to him, Catherine knew that this man wasn’t just a salesman.
57
“What are you doing here?” she asked, her voice a low whisper, her face white with shock.
He looked nervously at her, his features soft, his expression grave. “I wanted to see you. I’m sorry, I know I shouldn’t but –” he ran a hand through his hair, through those locks that just then she ached to touch. “I … I needed to see you.”
Why did he have to come here now – today? When she was feeling terrible and even worse, she thought, looking terrible. Her hair was unwashed and still matted from the night before, and she knew she hadn’t bothered removing her make-up. She’d barely dressed herself this morning – her mind had been completely elsewhere, and she just didn’t have the energy.
“Can we talk? Please?” he asked.
She bit her lip, trying desperately not to just launch herself into his arms, which she knew in her current state of mind she could so easily do. He looked tired and drained, devoid of spirit. He looked … vulnerable.
And he was obviously suffering too.
“Can I come in? Just for a minute or two, and I’ll understand if you don’t want to, but …”
He looked directly into her eyes then, and her stomach leapt with the old familiar sense of longing. “I miss you so much, Leah.”
She knew she shouldn’t, she had to be strong, but it was so hard. “Josh, we’ve been through this before. There’s nothing more to say.” Her voice sounded strange and alien, even to her.
“I know that, and I know you’re probably still very angry with me, but Leah … I just can’t explain how sorry I am.” His voice was thick with emotion. “I made the biggest mistake of my life, I know that. But I also know that I love you.”
“Josh, don’t …” Leah didn’t want to hear this, yet at the same time she did want to hear it. These last few weeks she could barely sleep or eat for thinking about it, for thinking about him, and how much she missed him too. And last night had been especially hard, which is why she’d ended up drinking so much. She’d hoped that getting really drunk would numb the pain and the emptiness she felt without him.
Still, no matter how much she loved him and missed him, Josh had done something unforgivable – Leah had to remember that. There was no going back.
Her mind firmly set, she decided that she’d listen to what he had to say, but that was it. Definitely.
Maybe …
“Look, it’s OK if you don’t want to let me in. But I don’t want to say what I have to say out here. This is between us, just the two of us.”
“Josh, it would have been just the two of us, if you hadn’t gone off with some slapper,” she shot back, the reminder of his betrayal giving her the strength she needed.
“I know that,” he said contritely. “And I’ve suffered over that too, as much as you have – if not more,” he added, when he saw her expression.
Leah sighed. “Come in then,” she said, going inside and expecting him to follow her.
Josh quietly closed the door behind him. “Happy Birthday, by the way,” he said with a hesitant smile, taking in all her birthday cards on the mantelpiece.
“Thank you for the flowers.” Leah indicated the lush bouquet on the coffee table. She’d been all at once annoyed and touched that he’d sent them, touched because he hadn’t forgotten, and annoyed that he’d had the cheek.
“I wasn’t sure …” he shrugged.
The two of them sat at opposite ends of the room, Josh in ‘his’ armchair, and Leah curled up on the couch and under the blankets Robin had used only a few hours earlier. They served as some kind of comfort, some kind of barrier if necessary.
“Leah …” Again, Josh ran a hand through his hair, as if unsure where to begin. “I don’t really know where to start, so I suppose I’ll just come right out and say it. I know I messed up big-time.”
She said nothing, assuming that he expected her to agree, to move the conversation along. She wasn’t doing him any favours.
“That ‘thing’ I did – was one of the lowest moments in my life. I was disgusted with myself for letting you down, for letting myself down, for risking all that we had because I was feeling left out. That’s exactly how I felt, Lee,” he said, when she raised an eyebrow. “I felt left out of everything, thought that you didn’t want me to share all the great things that were going on in your life.” She opened her mouth to say something, but he stopped her. “Before you say anything, yes, I know it was stupid. It was stupid and immature and pathetic but it was the way I felt. I never liked that Andrew Clarke, you know that.”
“I do know that, but I could never understand why. Andrew never did anything to you. Actually, he likes you. He thinks you and I are well suited.”
“Does he now?” Josh sniffed.
“Yes, he does,” Leah heard her voice rise an octave, “and I’m not going over this again with you, Josh. Don’t you dare try and tell me that you went back to your ex for a night of passion, just because you couldn’t handle your own stupid jealousy!”
“Lee, calm down, that wasn’t it,” he soothed. “In a way it was jealousy I suppose, but not the kind you think. With one flick of his expensive Mont Blanc pen, Clarke gave you everything you wanted. I couldn’t do that. I’m just my dad’s dogsbody, probably always will be, and as a result I felt threatened, useless, all the stupid things I never thought I’d feel. I felt it was my place to look after you, to support you in your dream. But he came along with his fat bloody chequebook and blew me out of the water.”
“It wasn’t like that, Josh. I approached Andrew for investment. Granted it was a stupid drunken conversation, which at the time I thought wouldn’t amount to anything, but it did. And I’m grateful for that. You said yourself that Elysium is my dream. How could I have turned down that opportunity?”
“I never expected you to, but I also didn’t expect you to be so gung-ho about it. You threw yourself into it without a second thought, and all of a sudden it was Andrew this and Andrew that. Suddenly he was the most important part of your life and I felt unbelievably threatened.”
“Threatened? By an old friend who is, incidentally, married to another old friend?”
“Like I said – it wasn’t like that. I didn’t think there was anything going on between you two, but I couldn’t really express how I felt about it. You threw yourself into setting up the shop and didn’t seem to want me involved in any of it. Instead of telling you how I felt, I just kept niggling you about the business being more important than I was. I know you began to
resent me and probably not just for that.”
“What do you mean?”
“Leah, I know you want a child of your own, that you’ve always wanted one. Despite what you said to me about my being enough for you. I know you were affected by Kate’s pregnancy and, despite what you think, I understood how difficult it must have been seeing it all happen for her, all the time knowing that it might never happen for you.
“That’s not fair. I made that decision long ago and it was our decision. Kate’s pregnancy shook me a little, but that’s because she’s changed, not because I have.” In a way, he was right, but Leah wasn’t going to allow this to be all about her.
“Well, with everything that was going on, I became confused. After a while, I began to wonder what you were doing with me. I couldn’t help you with your business, I couldn’t give you what you wanted. I was a total failure.”
“Josh, I’m sorry, but this smacks of feeling sorry for yourself.”
“I know it does, and in a way, it is. But the thing is, over the last few weeks, I’ve come to realise how stupid I’ve been, and how wrong I was to deny you the chance of becoming a mother.” He sat forward. “Leah, I know you probably can’t even consider it at the moment, but if you could possibly think about having me back, then I’d like to have a baby.”
Leah blinked, and instantly her heart tightened. “What? Are you serious?”
“Yes, I know it would take a bit of getting used to, but I know you and I could make a go of it and – ”
Never in a million years did she expect this from him, and despite the fact that Josh was now offering her everything she wanted, offering her the chance to start over, strangely, the idea just saddened her. “Josh, you’re delusional. You think that you can just waltz in here, tell me you’re very sorry for being unfaithful, but not to worry, sure a child of our own will make it all right. What planet are you on?”
“I know we’d have some work to do, but – ”
“Some work? Josh, it’s too late, there’s no trust any more. And yes, maybe I did play a part in pushing you away and making you feel inadequate, but that doesn’t mean that you had any right to jump into bed with the first available person.”
“I know that, but, Leah, surely we can work on it? I love you, doesn’t that mean anything?”
“It didn’t mean much when you were with her, did it?” she said in a broken voice. She turned away, willing away the tears that were threatening.
Josh moved across to sit beside her on the sofa. “Leah, I messed up – I know that, I knew it straight away. I wanted to tell you, but I knew you’d never forgive me and I didn’t want you to think badly of me.” He touched her hand. “I wish I could make you understand how sorry I am.”
“I’m sure you are, but that doesn’t mean much now.”
“Don’t you think we could work through it, Lee?” he said, his voice soft and hopeful. “It would be a shame to throw away all that we have.”
“Josh, if we don’t have trust then we have nothing.”
“But we can work on that, surely? Look, I know it might be hard for you to believe me at the moment, but I know I can do it. I love you more than anyone – you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You’re my best friend, my life, all the usual clichés but they’re clichés because they’re true. I know I want to spend the rest of my life with you, even more now that I know what it’s like to be without you. I know too that you made a big sacrifice to be with me, but what I’m saying now is – if you want – that that doesn’t have to be the case any more. I’m willing to give it a go if you are.” He smiled at Leah then, and amazingly uttered the very words she would have been elated to hear not all that long ago. “Let’s settle down and buy a place of our own – let’s get married and, yes, let’s have kids. We could have a great life, Leah, I know we could. And I’m almost certain that we can get through this. People do, don’t they? If they really love one another, then they can get through anything.”
Leah’s head spun. It was so tempting, so tempting just to throw her arms around him and agree that yes, they could do it, and yes, they could have a great life. He was telling her everything she so badly wanted to hear. But she knew in her heart and soul that she just couldn’t forget what he’d done that easily.
She shook her head, and she could actually feel the tightness in her heart as she said the words. “I’m sorry, Josh, but I know I can’t do that.” She tried desperately to keep her voice even. “It’s over.”
“You don’t really mean that.”
“I do,” she replied, trying to sound more determined that she felt. “And I’m sorry, but I think you should go.”
“Leah, please, just give me one more chance. I know we could make it work, I’m sure of it. Just one more chance.”
“I can’t, Josh – it’s too late.” Leah stood up and, legs shaking like jelly, moved across the room and opened the door. She stood back, appealing to him once more to leave. Josh stared at her, as if unable to believe that she was really serious. “Please,” she asked again.
After a few long moments, Josh acquiesced. “I’m sorry, Leah. Really I am.”
“I know.” Leah refused to meet his eyes, painfully aware that this really was the end. Every inch of her ached with sadness. “Goodbye, Josh.”
She closed the door behind him, shutting him out of her home and out of her life.
As much as she still loved him, and as tempting as it was to take him up on all he promised, she knew she just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t handle his infidelity, the fact that he had broken her trust. She wasn’t one of those people who could just pick up the pieces and move on. She wasn’t strong enough to be one of those people who could forgive and forget.
She just wasn’t Olivia.
58
Earlier that afternoon, in order to take her mind off things, Olivia had decided to tidy the garden shed. It was a job that was way overdue, and one that she’d been putting off for ages. But as the house was spick and span, the ironing up to date and the shopping done, she couldn’t think of anything else to do other than fret over the situation with Robin, and worry about Adam. Not to mention fretting over Matt’s surprising comments last night on the way home.
Ellie was at her mother’s, Eva having decided that Olivia should be free to travel to the hospital in Dublin should Matt need her. Olivia had tried his mobile a number of times since, but it was switched to messages, and still she’d heard nothing. Despite what they said about no news being good news she didn’t think it was appropriate in this case. Surely Matt would know she’d be on tenterhooks, wondering whether or not Adam was suffering from meningitis? At one stage, she’d been so desperate for something concrete, she’d almost called over to Catherine’s. But an idiotic sense of pride stopped her doing that, as she suspected that Catherine would feel some sense of superiority at the fact that Matt hadn’t been in touch.
She was in the process of dumping some ancient congealed paintbrushes and tins into a black refuse sack, when the doorbell rang.
Matt. She raced back into the house, forgetting to remove her rubber gloves in her haste to get to the door – and hopefully for him to put her out of her misery once and for all. With any luck, all would be well with Adam, and then she could have a good long chat with Matt and finally let him into her confidence about Peter.
But when she opened the door, Olivia’s world spun on a three-hundred-and-sixty degree axis.
“Hello, Olivia,” her visitor said with an unsure smile.
She was so stunned it felt like a couple of hours before she could get the words out. “What – what are you doing here?” she whispered eventually, her head dizzy with shock.
He shook his head apologetically. “I’m sorry, I know I should have called first. But my flight got in around lunchtime and I was really anxious to get here so – ”
“But what are you doing here?” she asked again. “What do you want?”
“What do I want? Olivia, surely y
ou must know – ”
Somewhere nearby she heard a car door slam.
“He’s OK, Olivia,” came Matt’s relieved-sounding voice over the air. Then the sound of his footsteps on the path outside. “It wasn’t meningitis at all, thank goodness – it was just some reaction to – oh, I’m sorry … excuse me …” Matt’s voice trailed off as he approached the doorway. He looked at the other man and grinned apologetically. “Sorry to interrupt, but I had to let her know.”
“That’s wonderful news,” Olivia barely heard the sound of her own voice, so strong was the sound of her heartbeat thudding against her ribcage, so intense were the feelings of anxiety, confusion and – and out-and-out panic.
What on earth was she going to say?
She saw that Matt was looking unsurely from her to the other man, obviously waiting for an introduction, or some explanation as to why she was acting so strangely. And unfortunately, Olivia would have to give him one – one that after last night she knew he wouldn’t be expecting.
She tried to clear her throat, to clear her mind and get some hold on her senses. How – knowing full well that Matt had somehow got it all wrong – was she going to explain this? How?
Olivia willed her heart to slow down, willed her nerves to settle a little. She began to speak slowly, hoping to soften the blow somewhat.
“This is Matt Sheridan, a good friend of mine,” she said, her voice hoarse and her hands shaking as she made the introduction.
Then she turned and looked directly at a smiling Matt.
“And this is Peter – my husband.”
