Awake: Book 3 of the Wild Love Series

by Jameson, Red L.

  Shane’s shoulders tense. He’s making a fist with his right hand.

  Joe shakes his head and props his big hands on his knees, staring at the empty space between his legs. “I should have left her alone. I knew you liked her.” Then he gives me a small grin. “I should have, but I couldn’t stay away from you, Moira. You, pretty lady, are a tad irresistible. Fuck, I adore everything about you.”

  I’m going to cry, but I try to fight through my clenched-tight throat and the stinging in my eyes to say what I should have hours ago. “I’m sorry.”

  Joe shrugs. “For what?”

  I lick my lips, hoping I can say something that won’t hurt him too much. “I—I have feelings for Shane.”

  He nods. “I know. I—” He winces. “I mean, I didn’t know. But I had a hunch when I asked if you hated Shane and you wouldn’t answer me. At first, I worried you really did dislike him. But then I…I’m sorry. I swore I’d never do it to you again, but I kind of…the Abby story. I told you about her to get a reaction out of you. I manipulated you.”

  I place my hands over my heart, feeling silly, but I can’t help it. It’s the only thing keeping my heart together. “I—I don’t understand. Was the story true?”

  Joe nods, grimacing as he glances at his brother. “But I shouldn’t have said anything. It’s not my story to tell.” Then he focuses on me again. “Yes. It’s true. I—It was really shitty of me, saying I was grateful because you wouldn’t…I mean, I do feel grateful I found you. But it was fucked up for me to say…for me to say how I was grateful for you because you wouldn’t cheat on me. I was trying to gauge if you had fucked him or not.”

  I take a step back, tripping over one of the pillows. But Shane’s there, catching me by my elbow. As I straighten, I wonder if I’ve ever been this hurt before. I hate that Joe used his fucking training, yet again, to force my hand, to give him the reaction he wanted. But I’m even more angry that I wasn’t pure of heart, that my sick secret was there in the first place.

  I feel wild and angry and jerk away from Shane’s gentle touch as if he’d scorched me, shaking as I turn my scowl towards Joe.

  “I know you didn’t,” Joe says. He might have gotten up when I’d tripped but resumes sitting defeatedly on the couch, looking at me apologetically, his brows furrowed with concern. “Didn’t have sex with my brother, I mean.”

  I shake my head, anger coursing through me, but do I have a right to it?

  I’m tongue-tied and fighting my tears when Joe looks over at Shane. “And by the way, bro, you’re getting really bad at covering your feelings. Like I said, I knew it the first night I met Moira. But not just that, every time when we’re hanging out you stare at her, man.”

  Shane swallows, nodding at the ground. “I don’t mean to. I just—” He glances up, his gaze narrows at Joe. “If you fucking knew how I felt about her, then why the hell did you go after her? I mean, yeah, you said she’s irresistible, but—but you know—you knew—what it’s like for me—you know—”

  I think Shane’s nearly as dumbstruck as I am.

  Joe shakes his head, looking down. “I know.” He licks his lips. “I was being a selfish fucker.”

  Shane sighs, his shoulders slump. “No, you—I get it. I’d do—it doesn’t matter. What’s done is done. You two are—”

  “But that’s the thing, Shane.” Joe’s voice cracks. He looks down, his face growing stern and angry, but his eyes are reddening, he keeps blinking and swallowing. “The two of you might be better—”

  I gasp. “Don’t you dare finish that. Don’t you dare say it.” I take a step closer to him, my heart torn in two. But I do know one thing: I love Joe.

  He stands, his face red with white parentheses around his mouth. “I don’t want to fucking say it, Moira. I fucking love you.” His voice broke completely when he said the word love. “I want you so fucking bad. But you make more sense with my brother. The both of you have a similar sense of humor, similar way you talk. Hell, the both of you even think alike. And I was the selfish asshole who knew my brother wanted you, and he’d be good to you, Moira. But I—I just—I don’t know why I did what I did. I just needed you, but that’s wrong.”

  “No!” I scream. Somehow I’m there, standing in front of Joe, smacking him on his powerful chest with my fists. I’m hitting him hard, and I was the woman vehemently against violence. Part me knows that, but I smack him one more time. “Don’t. Don’t you fucking say that to me. I fell in love with you.”

  Joe catches my wrists, holding me still. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry.”

  “Don’t give up on me.”

  “Yeah,” Shane yells. “Don’t you fucking give up. Shit, Joe, do you know how precious falling in love is? You don’t give up on it.”

  Joe releases my hands, frowning at his brother. “How can you—fucking hypocrite. I know you don’t just like her. You fell in love with her. Don’t tell me what to do when you’re doing it yourself.”

  I swallow and glance at Shane. Did he fall in love with me? He said he had, but…that was a beautiful poem about a Kool-aid kind of love. I’m so good at compartmentalizing that I’m not sure I fully wrapped my head around that. Maybe he hadn’t either.

  His teeth are clenched. “Joe—Jesus. Fuck. You need her; you love her, so—”

  “You do too,” Joe hollers.

  I can’t seem to breathe as I look from one brother to the other. I keep sucking in these tiny gasps, my heart aching, my body sagging from the emotional turmoil.

  “You nodded when she said she thought it best to stay away from you,” Joe’s growling. “But I saw it in your eyes, Shane. I knew you were dying inside.” A tear surfs down his cheek, and he wipes it away angrily with a fist. “I can’t stand idly by while my brother suffers, knowing I—I caused this.”

  Shane sighs and smiles with so much compassion, taking a step closer to his brother. “No, you—”

  “I grabbed ahold of Moira, Shane. Shit, I kind of forced myself—I didn’t give her a choice about remaining in my company or not. I fucking—I took her, like the selfish prick I am, and I haven’t been able to let go. But—” He catches his breath. “I love you. You’re my brother. I’d—and I was selfish—and I fucked things up between you and Moira.”

  “There is no me and Moira, Joe,” Shane yells. “There never will be, okay? I’ll stay away from her. I’ll do whatever it takes to—”

  “To what?” Joe waves his big arms around. “You think you can fall out of love with her?”

  Shane glances at me, his golden brown eyes full of anguish and despair. Naked pain, I think it might be called. When his gaze is so palpable with misery it stabs me through and through. But he glares at his brother.

  “You’re fucking yourself if you think you can.”

  I can’t handle the conversation any longer. I haven’t gotten a word in edgewise because—really what could I say? Joe, I love you but I think I’m in love with your brother too. Joe, I’m a cheater and I don’t deserve you.

  At that thought, a tear rolls down my cheek. I’m surprised at how warm it is. I wipe it away as I turn from the brothers, wondering what I’m doing, what I should say, how I should feel. I trip on another goddamned pillow, landing hard on my knees and the heel of my hand. In a second, both Joe and Shane are there, picking me up, their strong arms around me, holding me. I’m somehow on the couch, in between them, in between them in so many ways.

  “I’m sorry, Moira,” Joe says, his voice hoarse but soft.

  I shake my head. “You shouldn’t be. I—I—I—” I cover my face with my hands, both men trying to pry my palms from my cheeks. But I lean forward, resting my chest on my thighs.

  “Jesus, Moira.” Shane’s voice is similar to Joe’s, sounding tired and sad. He caresses my shoulder. “I’m sorry. Joe and I have been doing all the talking. You—you should—talk—shit. You should—”

  “I think my brother means it’s your turn, baby.” Joe softly chuckles, and I can’t believe it but so does
Shane.

  I lean back and look at one brother then the other as they’re smiling at each other.

  Shane shakes his head. “I get so fucking tongue-tied around her.”

  Joe nods. “I do anything she wants. I learned how to make pancakes for her.”

  Shane really laughs then, glancing at me but then back at his brother. “Joe hates the kitchen. If you thought my mac ’n’ cheese was low brow, you should see what Joe can cook, which is essentially nothing.”

  “I can make fucking toast.”

  “Burnt toast, sure.”

  Both brothers are chuckling when they look at me again. I would guess I’m looking at them as incredulously as I feel. I can’t believe they’re joking around. That said, I want to too. I want to run away from the torment of this conversation.

  But I’ll never forget what Joe said—how he felt grateful for me because I’d never cheat on him. He might have been trying to get a rise out of me at the time, but I’d guess there’s a lot of truth in his words. The nursery rhyme chimes through my mind, Peter, Peter Pumpkin Eater, because so many of those words rhyme with cheater, even if it is a poem about a man killing his wife and stuffing her in a pumpkin.

  Shane places the hand that had been on my shoulder on my knee, rubbing it. “And it is your turn, baby. Joe and I have had a few rounds. Now, tell us…whatever you want.”

  I look at Joe, shaking my head.

  He grimaces slightly. “I’m sorry I was such a shit to you, Moira.”

  I smack him again on his strong chest, surprising not only him, but myself as well. I feel so out of control and, crazily enough, I like it. He catches me and so does his brother, holding me back while we’re all sitting on the couch.

  “Say it, Moira.” Joe raises his voice, angrily staring me down, his gray eyes ablaze. “Tell me how much you fucking hate me now.”

  I try to smack him again, but I can’t move, immobilized by both brothers. So I scream. It’s such a strange, otherworldly noise coming from me. I’m full of hurt and desperation. Like a wounded deer that had been struck by a car, I jerk and twitch, full of shock from internal pain, heartache.

  “Say it, Moira!” Joe grits his teeth.

  I’m swaying. Back and forth. Back and forth. Holding my breath.

  “Moira…” Shane whispers.

  A tear falls as I shout, “Don’t you ever fucking give up on me again. You hear me, Joseph? Don’t you ever do that again. Don’t you throw me away like I’m some—”

  “I wasn’t throwing you away, baby.”

  I scream again, making Joe’s eyes widen.

  “He wasn’t throwing you away, Moira.”

  I turn to Shane and smack him on his big chest as well. “And you just throw me away too.” I stand and scream. “I’m so fucking easy to throw away.” Turning, I point at the brothers still on the couch, looking at me like I’m a wild animal somehow trapped inside the house. “No one wants to…” my breathing is spastic, making talking almost impossible, but I stumble through, “…hold…onto…me. Why? What did I do?”

  Joe jumps up, shaking his head, “Baby, I—”

  I hold my hands out as Shane stands too, and I have to step backward. “I know what I did to you, Joe, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I—I didn’t mean to think of Shane that way. I tried to stop it—”

  “It’s okay, baby.” Joe’s stepping closer, but I back away again.

  “No, it’s not. I’m a cheater. You—you—you said—”

  “That was really shitty of me to say that to you, the implications of it.”

  I shake my head. “No, it’s not. It’s the truth. I’m a cheater, Joe. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be.”

  “I know, baby.” Joe keeps walking forward. Shane too as Joe continues, “I know. I don’t think you’re a cheater.”

  I growl and shake my head.

  Joe rakes a hand through his blond hair, a few light tufts standing on end. “Fuck, I shouldn’t have said that. I—Moira, I feel like I’m the cheater here. I cheated you and my brother out of…god, falling in love with you has been the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. I’ve never felt so…It makes me feel like I’m good, like I’m a good man, even after all the shit I did. I killed, Moira. I have to fucking live with that, but some days, no matter what I try to tell myself, I can’t. But you—Jesus, you make me feel like I’m a good man. And being the selfish prick that I am, I wanted to keep feeling like that.”

  “You are a good man.” I suck in a breath that sounds like a hiccup. “You’re one of the best men I know.”

  Joe glances at his brother, understanding my meaning. As he looks back at me, he sniffs, his face growing stern again. “The point is…” His voice cracks and he has to clear his throat a few times. “I shouldn’t have interfered. I shouldn’t have been so selfish, then my brother would know how good this feels.”

  Shane shakes his head. “I already do, man.”

  Joe only looks more miserable, shaking his head. “No, you—I—I’m sorry.”

  Shane sighs. “I’m sorry.”

  “I’m sorry too,” I whisper.

  Joe gives me a sad lopsided grin. “We’re a sorry bunch.”

  I swallow and nod.

  “Let’s sit,” Shane says. “I can’t fucking stand and talk. It’s too hard.”

  We make our way back to the couch, like war-torn soldiers. At least that’s how it feels. My heart has just battled. It still might be. This isn’t over. Not by a long shot. But I’m tired. I can tell they are too. Tired from the shame and guilt for what we’ve done. Although, Joe hasn’t been selfish like he’s professing. And Shane’s…he hasn’t done anything untoward—when I think of Shane, I think of him using a word like that. Untoward. It’s usage a tad archaic but beneficial, especially in this circumstance.

  It’s me who should take the brunt of the blame here. I shouldn’t have—I never should have—

  But I did.

  I let my imagination and my idiotic heart get the better of me.

  It’s dark. Night has welcomed us into her black embrace, and I hadn’t even noticed. I can barely make out faces any longer, and I hope they can only make out a blur of mine. I’m sure I look like a mess. I feel like it.

  Somehow, I’m in the middle of the brothers again, and this time it’s Joe’s hand on my knee, squeezing, rubbing me comfortingly. “At least, we don’t have any more secrets.”

  I lean back into the couch, wishing I could laugh, but I just nod and say, “No more secrets.”

  “No more secrets,” Shane repeats as he takes my hand in his, holding me tightly, caressing my thumb’s knuckle.

  “I lied,” Joe whispers. “I have a secret.”

  “Me too,” I can’t believe I say.

  We’re all silent. I wish I could take back those few seconds and not have said anything. It might be only two seconds at most. But, god, I regret that brief moment of time. I don’t know what prompted me to say it, even if it is the truth. Actually, I’m pretty sure it was the monster in me, trying to be honest. Is there a place for honesty in polite society? In the heart?

  “I want Moira to go first. Tell us her secret,” Shane whispers. He’s leaning forward, his body’s heat invading me, making me aware of his shoulder against my own, his hand in mine, his other hand caressing a strand of hair from my face.

  “Me too,” Joe also whispers, wrapping an arm on the top of the couch.

  “That’s not fair.” I shake my head. “Two against one.”

  Joe kisses my earlobe, shocking me with the sensual motion, the way it makes my body instantly ache, desire pouring through my limbs, down my middle, straight into my sex.

  He licks my lobe, then says, “It’s not fair. And you don’t have to.”

  Shane’s on my other side, nuzzling his lips against my sensitive neck, his whiskers raking pleasure into my flesh. He kisses me, sweetly, right on my jawline. Then he bites into my throat. It’s quick and over before I can turn and look at him, wondering what he’s d
oing.

  “I want to know your secret, Moira.” Shane’s voice is strained. Only, not from the tension of this argument, or whatever it might be called. No, this is sexual tension, and my body recognizes it immediately. My nipples pucker, making me wish Shane would take one breast, Joe the other, and caress me.

  Oh god, this is insane.

  But that’s my secret.

  I want both of them.

  Shane gently tucks his fingers around my chin, pulling, turning my head to look at him. In the dark, there’s a flash of white. His smile. So like his brother’s. Heat is pouring from him into me. He’s breathing heavily.

  I close my eyes, wondering what to do, when I’m further shocked by his lips against mine. It’s a quick kiss. Tiny. Over before I could even say he kissed me. But it wasn’t chaste. There was a promise in that kiss. He’s affirming he wants me.

  And, god help me, even if it was a hurried kiss, I’d returned it.

  “Tell me,” Shane whispers.

  “I can’t.” I struggle with words, with my body.

  Joe turns my head back to him. A flash of perfectly straight white teeth. “Baby,” he whispers. “It’s okay.”

  I shake my head. “No, it’s not. I never want to hurt you.”

  He sweeps in, kissing me in a frenzy, his lips hard against mine, his tongue demanding. I open for him, and he’s suddenly gentle, his tongue lulling, coaxing me to want more. His big hand inches up my thigh, climbing higher and higher. I pull away, trying to catch my breath and stay his hand.

  He leans his forehead against mine, his breath heavy too. “I’ll tell you my secret first, then. It might help you with yours.” He licks his lips. “I hope you don’t think less of me. But I don’t mind…my brother…you. I understand it. Maybe I should be a jealous asshole. And I do get jealous when I think about your ex. I go out of my fucking mind when I think about him. But I don’t with my brother. Do you think I’m fucked up?”

  “You’re not…jealous?”

  He shakes his head, still leaning against mine. “I—I thought I would be. I wanted to find out if you’d slept with him or not. I said that shitty thing—”